It ends here.

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thank you Blondie!

I got careless the last few days. Today was a really close call, I really need to sharpen up and stay vigilant.

Things have gotten out of hand regarding eating habits, physical activity and social media. Been feeling pretty bad some days, almost depressed again. And I started seeing someone I really like hanging out with, but I realised I am not really attracted to her physically. It hurts me to think that I probably need to break it off, because I like her so much. It’s been so good to get to know someone in that way, like I’ve been wanting to for so long.

All of that just pushed me to a point where I just wanted to feel good again. So I went to a chat room for a while a couple of days ago and again today, before I got to my senses and stopped.

I can’t go back to the way things were. Now I need to get back to my routines, stay active, keep working on things and stay away from all porn and substitutes.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Hi @downhillfromhere - sorry haven’t corresponded in ages. Love you candour. It’s a fantastic quality. Being able to say it all on here. How good we are and how bad we are. How we achieve and how we fail. Honesty is something pretty fucking new for most of us. But it’s the most important bit. Your 116 days is now about 130 isn’t it?
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thank you @GBS! No worries, I haven’t been active lately.
Thanks for checking in @Blondie

I have to tell you guys that my conscience is not clear. I continued to look up chat rooms, masturbating a little then it got out of hand. I think it happened several days in a row, and I ended up with full PMO. I told myself it wasn’t a big deal because it was it actually porn in a traditional sense, but it’s as close as you can come to it.

It hurts to think about resetting my counter, but I will be lost without being honest about it. I am a bit sick of counting days though, so I’ll just mark a date from which I know I have been clean. December 1st, 2022.

Thank you guys for being a support through all of this. I don’t know if I will be as active going forward, but know that I’m still fighting this. I am not going back to how things were. And 120+ days is a huge thing for me! I am celebrating it as a win, and going forward with a clear goal in mind. :)
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Just to keep track of what went wrong, I have been overworked lately, 12 hour days up to almost 15. It wrecked me a little, and I’ve been worried about speaking to this girl I’ve been seeing - worried about telling her I didn’t feel attracted to her, because I really enjoyed hanging out. Basically I wasn’t in a good place, I stopped working out l, too much social media etc.

Feeling a bit better now though. I talked to the girl, and we’re still friends and we are both interested in just hanging out as friends. My routines and stuff will come back as soon as I stop stressing about work and go back to normal hours!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thanks @Blondie :)

The date went well! We’ve already been talking online for over a week, but I was still pretty nervous about it - I’m always a bit quiet at first when getting to know someone. But I talked to her about it and we got along really well.

Definitely felt some real attraction, and I think it was mutual. It’s good to be feeling this, something real for the first time in a long while. So yeah - will keep my head cool here, and see how this goes!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Some urges right now, they’ve been gone for a few days. Decided to show up here and just write it down, think about it and remember what I’m doing here.

Have a date with that girl this weekend, but we basically can’t see each other apart from two nights a week, since I work days and she works nights. I’m noticing that this is testing my patience and resolve, maybe this is why I’m seeing some urges right now. But I will wait, if I slip up now I think I will really regret it.

This is something I can look forward to! I think mostly, the urges to look at anything online has been replaced by thinking about this girl almost constantly. It’s still early, but eager to see where this goes.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thank you @GBS and @Blondie for your words and support. I’m sorry I haven’t been more active here, but I’m feeling good about my situation. Trying to shift my focus from what I don’t want to do towards thinking about the life I want to live. Still, I know that being active here is going to help me not get complacent or careless.

Second date is done, she came over to my place and we had breakfast and spent some time just hanging out with my dog and talking. Eventually things progressed, and I’m happy to say that there were no problems in the bedroom - I was a bit nervous at first but it quickly sorted itself. I think I still have a lot of room for improvement though, but I believe it will be better with time!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
I felt like coming here with an update, just to get my thoughts down somewhere.

Please excuse me for my single-mindedness, but I’m finding it really hard to think about anything else than this girl I’m seeing - she’s on my mind day and night, at work and at home. We were together again for a night and it was just mind-blowing. I won’t go into detail, but seems like things are improving physically with me.

Porn seems more like a distant bad dream, even if last contact was just three weeks ago. There is literally nothing porn has that can compete with this experience with a real woman. On the surface it promises excitement and novelty, but inside it is dull, boring, pointless, emotionless, empty.

Maybe I’m trading one obsession for another? I don’t even care, at least this is real!
 
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