It ends here.

Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
downhillfromhere said:
After saying goodbye I feel different. I think I have been taking her for granted, because looking back now I see how happy I've been with her. I haven't been feeling down or overly anxious or depressed. She made me feel good about myself and I could just be myself with her. We talked effortlessly and we had a real connection. I was so happy to have someone to really talk to.
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Hey @downhillfromhere, I have a few thoughts here but no answers. I agree with @Androg that this could be the Coolidge effect, which is what our brains do after too much porn exposure, always seeking out new experiences. I know in my relationships, I've questioned this myself sometimes, asking, am I trying to get out of this because I want more "action" or, "Is it really over and it's time to break up?" None of these are wrong or right answers, just possibilities. Plus, I must add, monogamy is just a social construct, and many people don't fit into it as easily as others; I know I don't, though I'm still aware of the possibilities of porn tainting this natural proclivity. Furthermore, the mind has another trick it can play on us when we break up, it will suddenly make us "remember" all the good times and memories that we had, and make us want to go back, even though our intuition was just saying otherwise. Statiscally speaking, many many relationships are formed and cultivated out of fear of being alone, and not because of some true strong connection. This isn't a bad thing per se, it's just an observation, which is what I do best! :cool:

I gather you're probably an introvert (you possibly told me that), well I'm one too, and these things can really affect us, because we naturally live in our heads, over thinking and analyzing it all, thus, not actually living life, just computing information. I would suggest living and granting yourself permission to "make a mistake", whether that would be going back and seeing what could happen, or doing nothing at all and waiting for something that really gets you excited. The only mistake here is going back to porn.

Yes, I'm aware this is NOT an answer. Welcome to my mind.

Best
 
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downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thank you for that @Blondie. Thank you too @Androg for your comment.

There is no answer for any of this, but I appreciate getting some reminders about the things you say. I'm having a hard time getting by right now, but I know it will get better eventually. We have talked more about the situation and I think I really hurt her by acting a bit cold and not really showing much affection. Not taking initiative to meet and saying that I need time alone when we already saw each other just two or three days a week. I guess it might not a big deal in and of itself, but I failed to communicate my feelings and I left her uncertain and wondering.

It could be many things, but it kind of freaked both of us out how I went from head over heels for her to having doubts in a pretty short time. Maybe I wasn't really ready for a relationship, because before I met her was the first time in my life I was both single and also feeling confident enough to actually try dating. Maybe I wanted more of that and felt like I was going into something serious. And freaked out about it.

I think you're also right about remembering only the good things, I read something about this today. These short relationships that suddenly end can possibly be more painful than ending a longer relationship, because you're still figuring out the person and you're wondering what you're missing out on. You don't know all those flaws that every person has that could actually make it easier to leave.

Truth is I don't really know what I feel. She's pretty convinced that I don't actually have feelings for her, and that I'm devastated about it now that I've lost someone in my life. Like it's not actually her I miss, but anyone. It's just what you said about fear of being alone. I think I need to give this some time, get over this worst longing and see how I feel about her afterwards. She also needs time to figure out if we can continue, since all of this changed how she feels about me.


I have been thinking about the way I acted when I was with her. I would be looking at other women all the time, sort of looking for the next thing. And I am just not that guy. I don't want to be like that, the thought of having a supposed commitment and always looking for someone else. I'm not talking about just appreciating someone's beauty, but actively searching for anything else instead of being there with the person I'm with.
I think that could very likely be some damage caused by porn, and other things in my life. Looking for novelty, like the Coolidge effect you guys mentioned.

Either way, you are quite right. Porn will not make anything easier, it will actively make things worse.

Day 11
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
It's been a while! Could be doing better I think, I realised today that I needed to come back here and start holding myself more accountable.

For most of the months this year I have intermittently been using porn and having a week or two without at a time. At times it has felt like I have it under control, but it's clear that I'm not really getting to the place I want to be, which is no porn at all. It's time I really made an effort, like I did last year before things started getting out of control.

Still doing some reading about addiction and how to change, and thinking a lot on how I spend my time. Porn is one huge problem for me, but also social media use where I just sit and consume and let my time waste away doing nothing. I want that drive back, to do the work I want to get done and to find joy in things again. This isn't going to be easy, I guess I always knew that - but it's not getting easier unless I take some deliberate action.

It's been well over a year since I started trying to quit porn. I didn't think I'd still be trying to recover after so much time, but change takes time. One day at a time.

Last relapse was 15 days ago, back to day 0 for me!
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thank you! Yes, I always put it in the kitchen when I do to bed, but have a bad habit of getting it in the morning and using it before I actually get up. One big thing I have to work on - when the alarm goes off, I get up and don't lie down again.
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 2

Going well so far. I think the first two weeks now will be quite okay to get through, then it might get difficult, I don’t know. But I’ve been here before, it’s just a matter of adopting a new normal and keeping busy.

On the physical side of things, I think I have figured out a lot of things over the past few months. Been focusing a lot on my breath, different techniques like box breathing, cyclic breathing, Wim Hof etc.

I think there is a lot to be gained by noticing how we’re breathing throughout the day, and taking a few moments or even 5-10 minutes of deliberate breathing and seeing how it can affect the body. Sometimes when I do this and I’m able to relax all the way from my head down to the pelvis, it feels like something is unlocking.

I have been doing kegel exercises for a few years now, but I think for me it’s useless without the ability to relax as well. Like I’ve been getting stuck in the “on”-position for so long that I’ve been unable to turn off, if that makes sense. With that in mind I have been spending the past few weeks deliberately relaxing my pelvic floor as often as I can, even stretching out in the opposite direction of what you would be tightening when doing kegels. And it really is making a difference for me, it makes it a lot easier to feel what’s going on down there. I won’t go on about it, but it’s something I’m going to keep an eye on!
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 3

Keeping busy. Lots to do this week even if I’m off and at home, so no urges to speak of yet. Hardest part was that chaser effect after this weekend, but it’s clearing now. Spending a lot of time cleaning up and home and clearing the apartment of stuff I don’t need. And have got my dog with me, good company for days like these!
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 4

Still keeping busy here! Making sure to have something to do every day, and I'm writing to-do-lists and checking things off. Feels good.
Also, have got a date next week that I'm really looking forward to. Things are looking pretty good all in all! And I'm feeling grateful to be part of this supportive community - checking in here every day is a great reminder of what we're doing here and the benefits that can be achieved.
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 7

I’m doing good, mild urges at times but nothing I can’t handle. Trying to limit my phone and media use but I can still be a lot better at that.

Sundays have been a difficult day for me in the past, so I will watch out. I plan to take a walk now, work out a little and maybe some house work - but after a week at home I’m running out of things to do 😄

Anyways, generally things are feeling pretty good for me right now. I’m still relatively young and I’ve got my health, I’ve got lots of interests and there are so many things I’d like to experience. I’ve got my amazing dog to hang around with, and I appreciate being able to spend time with him. Lots to be thankful for!
 
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downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
I didn’t say anything before, but I ran into some trouble on Sunday. Basically a name turned up in the news that triggered some nerves to fire that felt a bit too familiar. I ended up looking. And it feels crazy that it takes so little, even if I’m only a week in here. This is probably going to come back and bite me in the ass, but for now I’m still going and I fully intend to keep at it.

Be careful out there!
 
L

logicprox

Well-Known Member
downhillfromhere said:
Day 18

Still feeling pretty good. Been watching a few videos by Gabe Deem on his YouTube-channel, reminding myself why I’m doing this and educating myself further. I think it’s important for my success in removing porn from my life for good.

Thinking a lot about the need to replace PMO with healthy activities and habits. I think I’m in good shape generally, but I can still be better. Trying to play less video games at night, and instead work on making music or other things that are a bit more constructive. But still allowing myself to reward myself after making an attempt at it!

It feels like I’m experiencing a bit less brain fog, still doing better in terms of social anxiety and depression. Also feels like I’m… feeling a bit more. This is all good - but still worried about not experiencing more negative side effects, and bracing myself for the weeks to come. Won’t let my guard down.
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Bro great job on the 18 days. But also what kind of music you working on?
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thanks! I think you found an old post there, it’s over a year later and I’m just at 13 days at the moment 😄 It sucks, but the number is no big deal. Just reminding myself that the fight itself is what matters, not necessarily how many days in a row we have accomplished at a given time.

That said, it’s inspiring to see how well many people around here are doing, achieving things I once thought would be impossible.

Well, I don’t really have a specific type of music I like to work on, but it’s a lot of rock, metal or jazz inspired things, and I also like to make some electronic music. Still trying to figure my way through the process and trying to spend more time doing it!
 
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