It ends here.


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After saying goodbye I feel different. I think I have been taking her for granted, because looking back now I see how happy I've been with her. I haven't been feeling down or overly anxious or depressed. She made me feel good about myself and I could just be myself with her. We talked effortlessly and we had a real connection. I was so happy to have someone to really talk to.
Hey @downhillfromhere, I have a few thoughts here but no answers. I agree with @Androg that this could be the Coolidge effect, which is what our brains do after too much porn exposure, always seeking out new experiences. I know in my relationships, I've questioned this myself sometimes, asking, am I trying to get out of this because I want more "action" or, "Is it really over and it's time to break up?" None of these are wrong or right answers, just possibilities. Plus, I must add, monogamy is just a social construct, and many people don't fit into it as easily as others; I know I don't, though I'm still aware of the possibilities of porn tainting this natural proclivity. Furthermore, the mind has another trick it can play on us when we break up, it will suddenly make us "remember" all the good times and memories that we had, and make us want to go back, even though our intuition was just saying otherwise. Statiscally speaking, many many relationships are formed and cultivated out of fear of being alone, and not because of some true strong connection. This isn't a bad thing per se, it's just an observation, which is what I do best! :cool:

I gather you're probably an introvert (you possibly told me that), well I'm one too, and these things can really affect us, because we naturally live in our heads, over thinking and analyzing it all, thus, not actually living life, just computing information. I would suggest living and granting yourself permission to "make a mistake", whether that would be going back and seeing what could happen, or doing nothing at all and waiting for something that really gets you excited. The only mistake here is going back to porn.

Yes, I'm aware this is NOT an answer. Welcome to my mind.

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Thank you for that @Blondie. Thank you too @Androg for your comment.

There is no answer for any of this, but I appreciate getting some reminders about the things you say. I'm having a hard time getting by right now, but I know it will get better eventually. We have talked more about the situation and I think I really hurt her by acting a bit cold and not really showing much affection. Not taking initiative to meet and saying that I need time alone when we already saw each other just two or three days a week. I guess it might not a big deal in and of itself, but I failed to communicate my feelings and I left her uncertain and wondering.

It could be many things, but it kind of freaked both of us out how I went from head over heels for her to having doubts in a pretty short time. Maybe I wasn't really ready for a relationship, because before I met her was the first time in my life I was both single and also feeling confident enough to actually try dating. Maybe I wanted more of that and felt like I was going into something serious. And freaked out about it.

I think you're also right about remembering only the good things, I read something about this today. These short relationships that suddenly end can possibly be more painful than ending a longer relationship, because you're still figuring out the person and you're wondering what you're missing out on. You don't know all those flaws that every person has that could actually make it easier to leave.

Truth is I don't really know what I feel. She's pretty convinced that I don't actually have feelings for her, and that I'm devastated about it now that I've lost someone in my life. Like it's not actually her I miss, but anyone. It's just what you said about fear of being alone. I think I need to give this some time, get over this worst longing and see how I feel about her afterwards. She also needs time to figure out if we can continue, since all of this changed how she feels about me.

I have been thinking about the way I acted when I was with her. I would be looking at other women all the time, sort of looking for the next thing. And I am just not that guy. I don't want to be like that, the thought of having a supposed commitment and always looking for someone else. I'm not talking about just appreciating someone's beauty, but actively searching for anything else instead of being there with the person I'm with.
I think that could very likely be some damage caused by porn, and other things in my life. Looking for novelty, like the Coolidge effect you guys mentioned.

Either way, you are quite right. Porn will not make anything easier, it will actively make things worse.

Day 11