It ends here.

[particularly_respecting]

Sorry to hear about the relapse downhill!
But sounds like have a great proactive approach to recovery
Definitely agree also that social media can be dangerous

All your other things to spend time on instead sounds like a great idea too

Stay strong brother - rooting for your success!

 

[downhillfromhere]

Thank you!

 

[downhillfromhere]

Day 2

Doing quite well today! No real urges to speak of, and am still trying to hold myself to my new daily routine. In a moment I'm going for a walk, and when I get back I know what I will be doing, I have a plan.

So if porn wants an appointment with me tonight, it'll just have to make a request - oh, seems like my schedule is already full this evening.

I decide what happens.

 

[Restless Mystic]

Thanks so much, that's really nice of you to day. It's a strange coincidence you should say that, just a couple of days ago I started trying to write a bit late at night just before bed, in order to try to work on my creativity and "daydreaming". I listened to a podcast about this, and I realized how rarely I actually daydream or imagine things happening - things that are positive and stuff that I want to experience. I have a tendency to ruminate, worry about things and imagine things going wrong. This could be a great way for me to start thinking more positively about what might happen in life, as well as training my creativity.

Bring your subdued potential out!

 

[Restless Mystic]

On a sadder note, I'm afraid I have to say that I relapsed again. It was a full relapse this time, with porn, twice in one night. Feels pretty bad. But I know I just need to get back up and keep going. Failure is part of learning.

I won't go into detail here, but a couple of things happened throughout the day that weakened me to the point I couldn't resist. I'm also pretty sure I thought something along the lines of "I already relapsed a few days ago, this will be fine this one time". I decided to look someone up online I knew would really get me going. I knew exactly what I was looking for, and got it done without much distraction. Then shortly after I did it again.

To look on the bright side, there wasn't really any novelty chasing involved. It was straight to the point, so at least I didn't waste a huge amount of time. And right now, it feels like I'm a little bit back to where I was, when I was so incredibly committed to turning this around for good. I want that dedication back. I need to do more reading on the subject, keep reminding myself. Spend more time on these forums.

I didn't expect things to become this difficult now. I was almost coasting along those first weeks, but then something changed. I lost control over what I was looking at online, started searching for things I shouldn't. I need to start cutting down drastically on social media, and not let myself slip even a little bit. It started so small, but ended with a full relapse.

Day 0

Now for what steps I'm taking to replace PMO with other things I can focus on and spend my time mindfully on. Like I mentioned in my last post, I'm setting aside some time every day to just write - daydreaming, making stories, journaling, or just writing about my day. Going to work on looking for the humour in the things that happen.

I'm aiming for around two hours every day, and I will also spend some of this time on making music, playing guitar, making 3D environments/characters on the computer, listen to music. Things that I know make me feel more fulfilled and happy, but that I just don't get around to doing most days. I think that setting aside those couple of hours will help me just get going.

I'm also going to continue to work out twice a week, and go running at least once a week for 30-45 minutes. This stuff is so good for me, and so far I've managed to stick to it most weeks.

That's it. Again, it ends here.

You'll come out stronger than before. Keep fighting.

 

[downhillfromhere]

Thanks, Restless! Still in the game.

Day 3

Checking in early in the day. No issues so far, but I’m eager to get this streak going.

I’m really feeling it again. The need to succeed in getting porn and mindless browsing out of my life for good. I’ve been successful for a couple of days in keeping away from social media - for the most part. Been looking at posts from a few friends, but stopping there. Feels like it’s helping me in grounding myself in my own reality here and now.

Honestly, sites like Reddit have been giving me a few good laughs here and there. And I’ll admit to have enjoyed some of the content I’m now trying to turn away from. That includes women taking selfies, nudes, even porn. I did enjoy it. I wouldn’t have become addicted if I didn’t. But I need to look at what is good for me in the limited time I have on this earth.

Looking at myself and at how I’ve been behaving from the outside, I do not like what I see. The stuff on the screen might be incredibly alluring and pleasurable, but in reality I’m sitting in a room by myself, looking at something that isn’t really there. And I have to say that I’m looking kind of dumb.

And I have the nerve to judge other people for staring at their phones on the bus or on the sidewalk - “just look up” I would think. But I’m doing it myself when no one is looking. Maybe I’m judging others because I’m insecure about my own ability to stay tethered to the real world. Maybe I need to look at myself and let others live their lives as they wish.

Stay strong, guys. Good luck out there!

 

[downhillfromhere]

I'm just checking in again.

I know I just recently joined these forums and shared my story, but fuck it's been a long journey. I've been subconsciously trying to quit this thing for so long. Years of working on myself, therapy, endlessly trying to figure out what's going on inside my own head, never really figuring it out. I'm so happy I found this place, somewhere to share my story and get to know others who are going through similar things.

I want this so badly, for this part of my life to over and done with.

And I just need to remind myself again to not replace PMO with anything, no matter how small or harmless it might seem. Absolute zero tolerance for any triggering content of any kind. No searching for anything on Instagram just to take a quick look and get back out. It doesn't work that way for me. And no endlessly browsing news and stuff on Reddit anymore, I'm pretty sure that is feeding something in me that wants back to where I was.

Working on new routines and habits. Erase and replace.
(unintentional Foo Fighters reference)

 

[Blondie]

I want this so badly, for this part of my life to over and done with.

I love this downhillfromhere, this resolve will get over the hill (or down the hill?) and up and onwards. Thanks for inspiring me and making me that much more focused on my resolve.

And I just need to remind myself again to not replace PMO with anything, no matter how small or harmless it might seem. Absolute zero tolerance for any triggering content of any kind. No searching for anything on Instagram just to take a quick look and get back out.

You're right, this battle can't be won half assing it, you have to give it your all. That doesn't mean we're not going to make mistakes, but it does mean, we will do everything within our current ability to overcome any know and foreseeable obstacles.

Working on new routines and habits. Erase and replace.
(unintentional Foo Fighters reference)

Nice reference

 

[downhillfromhere]

Thanks for the comment @Blondie, that’s great to hear. I think you’re right that this has to be done with 100% dedication, and I hope I can keep this feeling going.

Day 4

It’s constitution day here today, and I have to say that I’m feeling pretty lonely. This is a day that most people spend with their families, friends, partners, kids and so on. It kind of underlines the situation I’m finding myself in, as I’m spending the day by myself with no invitations from anyone.

Now, I know that I’m responsible for making plans and making suggestions for hanging out, just as much as anyone I know. That’s something I’m working on, and even though it’s incredibly difficult, I hope this is something that gets easier with time.

Part of me sort of hopes that this addiction has been holding me back in terms of making strong connections to other people, because making close friends or even acquaintances is something I’ve really been struggling with.

It might be a coincidence that my social struggles started around the time I discovered porn. Or it might not be. I don’t know, I guess it’ll become clearer as I progress in my recovery.

On a brighter note, I made sure to make some plans for myself and I stuck to it. Went for a long walk to a lake and brought my dog with me, took a quick bath in the very cold water and sat for a while meditating on the shore. There was a moment right then that felt really profound to me, looking over the gentle waves in the water, trees lightly swaying, birds chirping in the distance. I guess I felt present in the moment, and I felt a deep appreciation just for being there.

That’s something I need to focus on. In that moment there was no need to fret about what others might be doing, what I might be missing out on. Can I learn to be content with what I have right now, what’s right in front of me? Appreciate the person I’m talking to and try to learn about them, instead of imagining I’m somewhere else?

 

[particularly_respecting]

There was a moment right then that felt really profound to me, looking over the gentle waves in the water, trees lightly swaying, birds chirping in the distance. I guess I felt present in the moment, and I felt a deep appreciation just for being there.

Amazing progress downhill - I guess you're the same, but moments like this were totally lacking when I was deep in the addiction
It's only once we start to fix it that we realize what we were missing

About loneliness - don't want to sound cliche, but I am sure if you keep putting out good energy into the world people will feel that and want to spend time with you (not just romantically, but also as friends), so it will pass I am sure
Stay strong brother!

 

[downhillfromhere]

Amazing progress downhill - I guess you're the same, but moments like this were totally lacking when I was deep in the addiction
It's only once we start to fix it that we realize what we were missing

About loneliness - don't want to sound cliche, but I am sure if you keep putting out good energy into the world people will feel that and want to spend time with you (not just romantically, but also as friends), so it will pass I am sure
Stay strong brother!

Yes, those moments have been few and far between for sure. Pretty much the only times I experienced this has been when listening to music - often a negative, sad or melancholy feeling paired with a strange nostalgia and a feeling of relief that I was actually feeling a strong emotion. This seems different though, it’s like a feeling of just being more in tune with the world.

I think you’re definitely right about putting out good energy, that’s something I really hope recovering from this addiction will help me with.

Thanks for your support!

 

[Phineas 808]

I think you’re definitely right about putting out good energy, that’s something I really hope recovering from this addiction will help me with.

On that front, and it's really uncanny, but being a man more in control of himself. we send out as it were an 'inaudible signal' to women, and they just seem more attracted to us.

 

[downhillfromhere]

On that front, and it's really uncanny, but being a man more in control of himself. we send out as it were an 'inaudible signal' to women, and they just seem more attracted to us.

Thanks, Phineas! That’s something I can get behind. Feeling that I’m in control is going to make me more assertive and confident in myself. That’s going to affect the way others see me, I’m sure.

It’s not just that I want more friends, closer friends than I do at the moment, not just that I want a partner. I really want to be a person who listens, who is interested in what people have to say. Hoping for a future where I can really be there for the people around me.

 

[downhillfromhere]

Day 5

Trying to keep away from anything triggering. Watched a Youtube-video about a specific exercise, and some images came up that weren’t great, but I let them pass. I was of course temped to do something, but I think I got past it. There’s nothing to be gained for me by looking up anything now. These things can exist in their own without me having to chase anything or do any searches. I can see someone beautiful and just let that be it, and move on.

I’m thinking that the more I train my brain to just accept something like this, the easier it will get to stay focused and stay clean in the future.

 

[downhillfromhere]

Day 6

Today was kind of strange, I’ve been feeling pretty good mentally, but also exhausted. My resolve to keep going with this recovery is unchanged, but it’s also kind of hard to actually feel how I’m doing because I feel so tired.

I did the longest continual run I’ve ever done yesterday, so that might have something to do with it. Gonna keep going, and trying to still make time for some creative work tonight.

Good luck everyone!

 

[Blondie]

Almost at a week, you're doing great.

 

[downhillfromhere]

Thank you, @Blondie!
Checking in early today. Slept well, and feeling better.

Day 7

 

[particularly_respecting]

One week downhill - nice! Absolutely crushing it

 

[downhillfromhere]

Thanks, @particularly_respecting!

I feel keeping away from MO is helping me through these days. Makes it easier to just let things be, you know? I can wait for something good to happen. Let my brain heal itself and try to reset everything, and let myself get better so I can be better able to meet someone. I’m done with staring at a screen. I want to live my life for real.

 

[Blondie]

Let my brain heal itself and try to reset everything, and let myself get better so I can be better able to meet someone. I’m done with staring at a screen. I want to live my life for real.

This is what it's about.

Real or no deal.

Cheers mate!