On a sadder note, I'm afraid I have to say that I relapsed again. It was a full relapse this time, with porn, twice in one night. Feels pretty bad. But I know I just need to get back up and keep going. Failure is part of learning.
I won't go into detail here, but a couple of things happened throughout the day that weakened me to the point I couldn't resist. I'm also pretty sure I thought something along the lines of "I already relapsed a few days ago, this will be fine this one time". I decided to look someone up online I knew would really get me going. I knew exactly what I was looking for, and got it done without much distraction. Then shortly after I did it again.
To look on the bright side, there wasn't really any novelty chasing involved. It was straight to the point, so at least I didn't waste a huge amount of time. And right now, it feels like I'm a little bit back to where I was, when I was so incredibly committed to turning this around for good. I want that dedication back. I need to do more reading on the subject, keep reminding myself. Spend more time on these forums.
I didn't expect things to become this difficult now. I was almost coasting along those first weeks, but then something changed. I lost control over what I was looking at online, started searching for things I shouldn't. I need to start cutting down drastically on social media, and not let myself slip even a little bit. It started so small, but ended with a full relapse.
Day 0
Now for what steps I'm taking to replace PMO with other things I can focus on and spend my time mindfully on. Like I mentioned in my last post, I'm setting aside some time every day to just write - daydreaming, making stories, journaling, or just writing about my day. Going to work on looking for the humour in the things that happen.
I'm aiming for around two hours every day, and I will also spend some of this time on making music, playing guitar, making 3D environments/characters on the computer, listen to music. Things that I know make me feel more fulfilled and happy, but that I just don't get around to doing most days. I think that setting aside those couple of hours will help me just get going.
I'm also going to continue to work out twice a week, and go running at least once a week for 30-45 minutes. This stuff is so good for me, and so far I've managed to stick to it most weeks.
That's it. Again, it ends here.