It ends here.

downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 8

Feeling pretty good. Mentally, everything feels a lot more stable. I have been focusing a lot on allowing myself to feel negative emotions, to regain some of my emotional range. Trying not to let myself shut down, allow opportunities to pass just because I’m afraid of what will happen if I try. It will be a long road, but I have to start somewhere.

Physically, I think I’m in the best shape of my life. Starting to notice small changes to my body that reflects the ways I have tried to improve myself over the past months.

I never used to work out, ever, and I have suffered for it. Bad posture, low energy, low self-esteem. I would judge others around me who made an effort, without even thinking a second about it. Somehow I would see myself as superior to a person who was out running, hiking or working out. Now I see that was just a manifestation of my own low self-esteem. I needed to put people down in my head, in order to feel better about myself. This is so massively unhelpful and damaging. Putting out bad energy, secretly disliking people for no real reason.

I’m so glad I’m getting past this stage of my life. I need to allow others to be as they wish to be, and try to look at myself more. Forgive myself for my past mistakes, move on and be better right now, today.

Quitting porn is a massive part of this change, for me. I need to make this happen. And if I can take a small stand against the porn industry at the same time, I’m a happy guy.
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
On a side note, wanted to voice my appreciation for you guys and for this forum that allows me to get my thoughts down somewhere. I know before I found this place, my thoughts were just floating around with no place to go, I would feel confused and change my mind about everything all the time.

Wishing you all good luck today, or tonight, whatever time it is. :)
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
downhillfromhere said:
On a side note, wanted to voice my appreciation for you guys and for this forum that allows me to get my thoughts down somewhere. I know before I found this place, my thoughts were just floating around with no place to go, I would feel confused and change my mind about everything all the time.
Click to expand...

Hey downhill, I appreciate you as well. I love reading your thoughts, it helps to make sense of my own. This place is a great find, and I'm glad you're here writing them out. Writing my own thoughts helps me out as well!

Cheers.
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
I somehow managed to look up a specific Instagram profile earlier. Was out of there in a minute or two. It’s nobody I know, just someone that really triggers me, and that I find extremely arousing. Just a fully clothed woman, not really any skin showing.

First mistake since my last relapse.

I keep thinking about her, images are appearing in my head pretty much every day. I miss looking at her (I should say “it“, as it’s an account on the web, and not anyone I will ever meet) and I find myself wanting to go back. But I know it’s not going to give me anything of value, I know it’s going to be an ultimately empty experience that will lead to a relapse some day.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. But hoping it will help to just write this stuff down to process it and try to avoid looking it up again. I need to accept that it’s on my mind, try to think about it objectively and not give in to the desire.

This is difficult. Maybe if I frame it this way: I’m choosing between feeling meaningless and easy pleasure right now, versus choosing the uncomfortable alternative that could be completely life-changing in the long run.

Is there really even a choice?
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
I see it this way. Let's say you look at that picture/pictures, and you get a small bit relief and feel good. That feeling/dopamine will probably be a 3 our of 4 on the dopamine scale. Not to bad, but then you'll want more dopamine, thus porn, a full out 10 out of 10. Now let's say your happiness level right now is around 4 our of 10, nothing great but nothing to write home about either. If you look at porn now, or later, after the initial "happiness" you true happiness will go to shit, leading you back to the land of depression and feeling a 1 out of 10 of happiness and contentment.

I hope that helps, that's how I see it.
 
Last edited:
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
That does help. I know for a fact that last time this happened and I ended up relapsing, my happiness and mood went downward fast.

I am going to bed and putting my phone as far away as possible, as usual. Will remember this tomorrow, if I feel trouble brewing. Thank you!
 
Last edited:
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thanks @Anacott_Steel and @Orbiter!

Day 12

Still going, low libido and feel very tired, low motivation at the moment. But I’m keeping busy, not letting myself get tricked into doing something I shouldn’t. Feels like it’s getting a bit easier to resist the temptation to check social media all the time.

Still want to do this. I really need to see the effects of being rid of PMO in my life.
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 13

I have the day off. All by myself today, my dog is somewhere else and I have really nothing to do, so this will be a test for my resolve.

If I feel urges today, I am promising myself I will come here to just write it out. I will not check out instagram profiles just to check, just for a minute. Even one second is too much, in fact just doing that search is a step in the wrong direction.

Still feels like a flatline I’m going through. There’s no morning wood, no activity at all, seems kind of shrunken and dormant. I think I will commit to a 90-day period of no M/MO, because it sort of feels like I’m going though and processing something now.
 
F

fa84

Member
Hello downhillfromhere

I know perfectly what you mean with " have really nothing to do, so this will be a test for my resolve"...i have to work on it as well
It's definitely a weak situation/condition...
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
fa84 said:
Hello downhillfromhere

I know perfectly what you mean with " have really nothing to do, so this will be a test for my resolve"...i have to work on it as well
It's definitely a weak situation/condition...
Click to expand...
Yeah, I can really feel it becoming more difficult today. Some days there’s just too much time available. Really important to have some good routines and habits in place, that you can go to when you need it.

Honestly, I’ve been very close to doing a search today, at least a couple of times. It’s been pretty tough to resist the urge and just let it be. So far so good though.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top