It ends here.

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thanks @Ezel, appreciate your support, it means a lot!

You’re right that we need to be careful with those small things. I think everything kind of snowballed from trying to masturbate, and I don’t even know why I felt the need to do that in the first place.

It’s really strange that I didn’t really think when seeking out those substitutes, it’s kind of like I went into a different mode where only one thing was important. Kind of scary how powerful that draw can be.

Will certainly learn from my mistakes, as you say! Failing like this is part of how I will learn to improve my life and get away from porn. I’m committed to doing it.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey DownHill, so sorry to hear about your relapse.

I've been there so many times that I completely understand how you feel. I know the drill, It starts off "innocently" enough, just a few pictures of nothing you can't see on a street in America, but then before you know it, you're back into porn again wondering what the hell just happened?

The best thing you can do is just get up and keep on moving. Your honestly is a beautiful thing, and I mean that.

A good question to ask yourself is what did you learn from all this?

What were the feelings you were feeling before you started?

Sad? Angry? Lonely?

The answers to these questions will help you out the next time you feel the urges.


You got this man. And whatever you do, don't let your brain say you've ruined all the progress you've made over the last while!

Best
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Hey DownHill, so sorry to hear about your relapse.

I've been there so many times that I completely understand how you feel. I know the drill, It starts off "innocently" enough, just a few pictures of nothing you can't see on a street in America, but then before you know it, you're back into porn again wondering what the hell just happened?

The best thing you can do is just get up and keep on moving. Your honestly is a beautiful thing, and I mean that.

A good question to ask yourself is what did you learn from all this?

What were the feelings you were feeling before you started?

Sad? Angry? Lonely?

The answers to these questions will help you out the next time you feel the urges.


You got this man. And whatever you do, don't let your brain say you've ruined all the progress you've made over the last while!

Best
Thank you! I’m fortunate to have you guys listening, it’s truly a big help to me.

I will keep going. I don’t feel like I’m back to the start, still feel like I’ve made progress even if I made these mistakes. Only hope I can be better equipped next time, and what you’re saying about paying attention to what I’m feeling certainly makes sense.

In this instance I didn’t really know what I was feeling, but thinking about it now I had just spent five days on my own, thinking a lot about certain things that made me feel frustrated, sad, angry, a lot of things at different times. I will pay attention to that, and focus on doing things that I love doing and that are good for me.
 
It must be really frustrating @downhillfromhere . But it's okay to make mistakes. Loneliness is Porndevil's favourite playground.
cause I'm a bit emotionally unstable, I'm single and I'm just not getting intimacy from anywhere. But that's no excuse. Whatever situation I'm in, it's all temporary, and I sure as hell won't find intimacy with someone if I keep seeking comfort from a screen.
That's very true @downhillfromhere . Our mind deals likes this, "You're dead single, you've no woman in your life, no exciting stuff, lets get you bunch of few hot women".

We can definitely fight it off @downhillfromhere . All you just had was one more trick that your mind played which you can put it off if it comes again.
 
I'm starting again. It's really frustrating to reset the counter, but hey - it's not about that number for me right now. In fact what's important is to reset it and let myself know that this was not okay. I can't keep doing this.


Day 0.

I will do everything I possibly can to stay away from porn and all substitutes.
Sorry to hear about the relapse brother, but we've all been there
It seems you have the right attitude though, as shown above
Like you say - it's not about the number, it's about the progress, and it seems you are making good progress
Straight back on the horse brother. You got this 💪
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Thank you, @particularly_respecting! But I didn't make it this time. o_O

It's really scary to see my resolve in the last post I made. That the very same day, I would willingly search for porn and masturbate to it.

Yesterday the temperature suddenly increased by 10 degrees centigrade, and something in me woke up. It started with testing my erection, just to see what was going on down there. Then I somehow went to Instagram and did some searches, almost like I was on autopilot. Then scenes from porn that I have watched before popped up in my head, and I went looking for them. Ended up finding some chick who just checked all the right boxes, and boom. Three relapses in the last two days. I couldn't resist.
Yes, I know very well how this goes. It's too familiar. Now I could tell myself: "I'm completely done with porn, I know it, it's gon work out really well!" and even feel it from head to toe only for 1 hour later to think: "Fuck it, I want the pleasure, I can't miss this chance!" Up and down, fuckin rollercoaster. It's very annoying.

About the second paragraph: I've done things like this, getting excited about the idea of having an erection without my hand and the next second I was in bed, on my back with the phone in my hand watching favorites... Once you trigger the dopamine with any behavior that is tied to your porn addiction, it escalates quickly and it becomes irresistible. That's why a good rule is to stay away from starting the dopamine. I know it's easier said than done.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Yes, I know very well how this goes. It's too familiar. Now I could tell myself: "I'm completely done with porn, I know it, it's gon work out really well!" and even feel it from head to toe only for 1 hour later to think: "Fuck it, I want the pleasure, I can't miss this chance!" Up and down, fuckin rollercoaster. It's very annoying.

About the second paragraph: I've done things like this, getting excited about the idea of having an erection without my hand and the next second I was in bed, on my back with the phone in my hand watching favorites... Once you trigger the dopamine with any behavior that is tied to your porn addiction, it escalates quickly and it becomes irresistible. That's why a good rule is to stay away from starting the dopamine. I know it's easier said than done.
Yeah, totally agree. It’s getting obvious that I can’t be engaging in any of that stuff. I need to stay away from any searches, any substitutes, and any form of masturbation for as long as I can.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 3

Have been feeling a little more depressed tonight.

I'm starting to see a pattern in my bad days and relapses. Two times a week I see my ex, because we still share our dog since we broke up. I have noticed that when I relapse, it's usually the same day or the day after. I'm going to have to keep an eye on that.

It's tough to get through, I have been thinking about her a lot more since I learned she started something with someone. I wrote about it earlier, but basically there's a lot of history and bad memories that are making things painful for me right now. I'm sad, angry, relieved, disappointed - it seems to change every minute.

And I want to move on. I thought I had. I feel like I really need to have a connection with someone else, and I'm scared to get desperate. Really holding on to the hope that if I really focus on myself, if I care of my body, hone my skills and interest and do the things that really make me happy. That stuff will follow, when I learn to live my life free of fear.

Thinking a lot about engaging with the things that scare me. It's small things right now - like walking through the city where I feel it would be most uncomfortable. Or saying something to someone at work when I feel the need to look down. Being noticed when I feel like not being seen. I'm going to have to build from there, and see where it goes!
 
Last edited:
Thinking a lot about engaging with the things that scare me. It's small things right now - like walking through the city where I feel it would be most uncomfortable. Or saying something to someone at work when I feel the need to look down. Being noticed when I feel like not being seen. I'm going to have to build from there, and see where it goes!
I think this is a good plan - keep making yourself uncomfortable and you will grow as a person
Like a stoic thing
Nice work thinking about the causes of your own relapses too - definitely a good way to start working on them
Stay strong brother - you got this 💪
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 4

I have decided to work on controlling my exposure to highly stimulating activities in my life. Porn is certainly one of the worst things I have been using, but I’m realising that I still have a problem with use of social media, video games and watching YouTube.

Watched a video (on YouTube, ironically) on the subject of dopamine fasting by Anna Lembke that got me thinking this way. What was especially striking to me was the way she described our bodies shifting the balance towards feeling pain when we engage with things that make us feel good.

If I sit around and watch YouTube while simultaneously browsing Reddit on my phone, I’m overloading myself with dopamine in the same way I would open multiple tabs with porn and just chase the perfect scene for hours on end. The result, if I do this every day, is generally feeling unhappy and anxious.

I have been making significant progress in my mood and lowered my anxiety a lot by working out twice a week, running once a week and taking cold showers every day (in addition to staying away from porn), but I have a feeling this is the missing piece of the puzzle for me. Yes, exercise and seeking uncomfortable situations is going to balance out my mood, but if I keep binging YouTube under a blanket for hours every night, things just aren’t going to come together.

I thought simply had a problem with procrastination that would resolve itself if I recovered from porn addiction, but I really think I’m going to have to deal with this now to help me recover. Porn is massively damaging, but also it is just a part of this bigger issue for me.

I’m going to create some sort of plan to get through this. Ordered “Dopamine Nation“ and will read it when it arrives.
Will start to spend some time relaxing by reading or listening to music instead of lying down in front of the TV.
Maybe I will allow myself to watch an episode or something while eating dinner, something like that. Same with video games, but using it as a reward for a day well spent instead of a go-to activity.

Need to think about my interests, in order to get going with this and spend my time on that. Listing some stuff right here, so I can go back and refresh my memory when needed.
- Listening to music
- Reading a book
- Hiking with my dog
- Spending time outside, getting sun when I can
- Petting my dog and playing with him
- Practicing drum rudiments on a pad
- Playing guitar and singing
- Singing along to music
- Creating characters or environments in 3D software
- Learning to use Unreal Engine
- Recording music on the PC
- Playing other digital instruments like my synthesizer and drum machine
- Drawing something with pen and paper


Things I would like to do outside of home:
- Taking singing lessons
- Joining a choir (I have severe anxiety of singing in front of people)
- Joining a class in some physical activity, not sure what yet
- Taking every single opportunity to get together with people from work, doing anything, working on creating bonds with others
- Go on a date. Not sure how I will do this, might try a dating app just to get going.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
That's great to hear DownHill! I remember sometime ago (during this current reboot) while listening to Pavarotti's Nessun Dorma again, I cried like a little girl who just lost her favorite balloon. Yes, I have no shame in saying that :cool:.

I need to chase this feeling, music is something - maybe the thing - that really gives me purpose in life.
l love this. Make this your new "obsession" and "bad habit" and you've be free of porn forever. Transfer all that energy you would consume trying to find that "perfect" picture over to music. Thus, doing sometime beautiful and truly productive and long lasting.

I like your thinking about quitting all social media, YouTube etc. A full on dopamine break could do wonders for you and all of us probably.

Best my man, and congrats on day 4.
 
Nice work getting to day 4!
You will enjoy Dopamine Nation - I found it helpful
Agree on the general idea too. I'm sure some people experience it differently, but for me porn feels like a more intense version of overloading with dopamine through reddit/youtube etc. Definitely linked
Nice idea coming up with a list of healthy ways to spend time too. Keep on killing it brother! 💪
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
That's great to hear DownHill! I remember sometime ago (during this current reboot) while listening to Pavarotti's Nessun Dorma again, I cried like a little girl who just lost her favorite balloon. Yes, I have no shame in saying that :cool:.


l love this. Make this your new "obsession" and "bad habit" and you've be free of porn forever. Transfer all that energy you would consume trying to find that "perfect" picture over to music. Thus, doing sometime beautiful and truly productive and long lasting.

I like your thinking about quitting all social media, YouTube etc. A full on dopamine break could do wonders for you and all of us probably.

Best my man, and congrats on day 4.
Thanks man, I really need to go for this. I know it’s the thing I want to do, have known it for half my life. Feel like I know what’s been holding me back for so long.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Nice work getting to day 4!
You will enjoy Dopamine Nation - I found it helpful
Agree on the general idea too. I'm sure some people experience it differently, but for me porn feels like a more intense version of overloading with dopamine through reddit/youtube etc. Definitely linked
Nice idea coming up with a list of healthy ways to spend time too. Keep on killing it brother! 💪
Thank you! Looking forward to reading it. Absolutely agree that porn is the most powerful compared to social media etc, since it’s linked to sexual behaviour. I’m still treating it like enemy nr. 1, but also believe that cutting out most of my time on social media and YouTube will help heal my brain.
 
Top