It ends here.

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thank you @Phineas 808 for the advice! I did check it out, but I should’ve paid more attention.

There was a night last week where I screwed up big time. I was staying with family but had my own room, and my phone was with me. Unfortunately I couldn’t sleep at all that night, and I ended up picking my phone up several times and making some really bad choices for hours. I didn’t MO or anything because I can’t stand the thought of doing that in someone else’s home or with anyone else being in the same building for that matter, but it screwed me up.

As soon as I got home I relapsed. It had built up in my head and I couldn’t stop thinking that it was going to happen. Then it did. And I can’t really blame myself for seeking that release when I had built up so much tension, but unfortunately I sought out P in order to get it.

The night after I had a dream where I shit myself at the office. I vividly remember having to run to the bathroom past my coworkers, hoping no one would notice. I thought it was a very fitting image for what had just happened. And I suppose I didn’t really wipe myself clean until yesterday (figuratively, that is), and I’m ashamed that it took me a couple of days to get my head on straight again. I guess I thought that since I already shit myself, I could just do it again a couple of times and it wouldn’t make a difference.

But here I am, and man does it feel good to wash off and put on a fresh pair of underpants!
 
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downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 1

Good thing is that I made it 25 days, that’s not nothing. While visiting family I did better that I used to in the past, I tried to keep some of my routines in place like taking cold showers, doing push-ups and going running. I think what made me slip up was not sticking to my rule of putting my phone away at night, and I really suffered for it.

I’m trying again with the same rules, but will be cutting down further on social media, banning some sites on my phone, and then putting it away at all times unless I really need it.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey Down Hill.

Sorry to hear about that, but it looks like you've alreadly got up and started to run!

I’m trying again with the same rules, but will be cutting down further on social media, banning some sites on my phone, and then putting it away at all times unless I really need it.

I like this.

Your dream about shitting your pants made me laugh. Isn't weird how our brains work and how we dream about shit that's going on in our lives? When I get off porn, that's one of the first things I notice, a returning back to having dreams, or at least remembering them again. So strange.

Best man.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thank you Blondie! Congratulations on your 10 months, happy for you and hope to get there some day!

Yes, it’s very strange! I’ve noticed having - or remembering more dreams since I started recovery. I guess it signals some return of normal functioning of the brain, improved sleep and so on. Another great reason to quit this stuff!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Thank you Blondie! Congratulations on your 10 months, happy for you and hope to get there some day!

Yes, it’s very strange! I’ve noticed having - or remembering more dreams since I started recovery. I guess it signals some return of normal functioning of the brain, improved sleep and so on. Another great reason to quit this stuff!
I don't know all the science but having an idea how porn affects the brain, there is no doubt we experience problems. Porn messes with the dopamine system and the dopamine system is involved in many things. After binging porn I usually don't sleep well and after getting drunk too and both work the dopamine and the chemicals in the brain. I quit drinking 17 days ago, porn 16 days ago and for the first time in months I slept well before morning shift.
 

JSP

Member
Day 7

I wanted to post here just to solidify my thoughts and maybe help others going through the same situation. Feel free to comment.

I'm 34 years old and and started using porn maybe 17 or 18 years ago. There was a sense of deep shame especially the first few years, but I think that I gradually came to accept that I was always going to continue using it, and the shame got less and less prominent and even turned to acceptance the last few years. Might be because I have an understanding that masturbation is fundamentally not wrong and is even a healthy thing to do, but I got the concept conflated with porn - which in itself is really worrying.

I think most times I used porn over the years, just after reaching orgasm I felt like never doing it again. I guess that's what they call clarity, and I should have been listening to that feeling. There's really nothing about porn that's actually compelling to me, if I just look away from the routine and automaticity of the act. I don't want to spend hours in the dark in front of a screen searching for the "right" moment. Moment for what? It's all just a waste of time and energy. There is nothing I get out of it. I've pretty much been stuck in a loop, triggered by the smallest thing at first, and ending in the same way every time. I've been a slave to this bullshit, and I'm not going to let it continue.

I should mention that I actually did manage to quit at some point, when getting into a relationship. I was pretty much a virgin back then at the age of 24, and I guess the relationship made it easier to live without porn - but without actually making the decision mindfully, I was completely unable to resist getting back into porn when we broke up a few years later and the loneliness set in.

-

The last three years I have been masturbating to porn sometimes every two or three days when trying to cut back and sometimes one or two times a day when indulging. This is in addition to the habit of scrolling through all kinds of content on social media like Instagram and Reddit, where the search often begins and ends up spiraling out of control. I started to notice weaker erections during this period - my erection did not match my horniness and I experienced delayed ejaculations and sometimes loss of erection. I have also been experiencing depression and social / general anxiety.

In this same period of time I started working out and running, started eating healthy, cut back on sugar, tried meditation and yoga quite a lot, and although I've been feeling better than ever physically, nothing has really been changing for the better in my head like I thought it would.

-

Well, last Wednesday I discovered yourbrainonporn.com and Reboot Nation - and let's say that things have changed pretty dramatically for me. There's been a huge shift in my attitude. I think that getting educated on the issue, the way the addiction works, and especially the consequences porn addiction has on your life is necessary to really make the change - because I feel like I've been trying for years but never making it more than a few days, thinking the problem would somehow be solved if I could make it a week or two. I appreciate all of you sharing your experiences and your knowledge here, and I hope I can contribute something.

This last week has been interesting. My penis has shriveled away into almost nothing, as if it wants to hide. I'm not worried, because I know it works just fine, and I just need some time for my brain to process the change. I have not had a single strong urge to look for porn, even though I can feel it lurking deep down. Anxiety and tension in the body seems to be better, and social problems have been somewhat relieved. Today I was walking to work by myself and just smiling at others because I felt a sense of hope for what's coming. Talking to colleagues and even a crush of mine was way more effortless. I felt warmer and more secure. This is strange, because I was expecting some pretty severe withdrawal symptoms and difficult times for the first few weeks. I guess knowing and feeling that I'm on my way somewhere better is really giving me a lift, and I can't wait to see what my mental and state will be like in a few months.

Meanwhile, I will not be tempted. I will not make little snowballs and roll them downhill. I will remember the toll that this addiction has had on my life, and draw strength from knowing that things can only get better from here. I don't want to count days, because this change is final in my mind - although I will probably be checking in here periodically and probably do a count then. :)
Good for you and I’m glad you found reboot nation and your brain on porn. Excellent resources and support. Keep up the hard work and as you already mentioned, you are feeling better already!! It’s been 44 days for me now porn and masturbation free!! Keep up your hard work. It’s so worth it and when I think of all the time I wasted looking at porn it’s crazy
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Absolutely, @Escapeandnevercomeback, I really get that! Sleep is so incredibly important as well, and not getting enough sleep can lead to lowered judgement and repeated unhealthy behaviours, again leading to less / lower quality sleep - a vicious cycle.

I used to not care how much sleep I got, as long as I felt relatively okay waking up. I would consequently get maybe 5 or 6 hours of sleep, would on occasionally go out drinking the night before work and sometimes get only a couple of hours sleep. Combined with alcohol, which makes sleep quality really suffer, I felt like absolute shit, but probably was damaging myself more than I knew.

A couple of years ago I listened to an audiobook, I think it’s called Why We Sleep. I can tell you that I got scared straight, just like learning about what porn does to your brain. I believe getting enough sleep is the single most important thing anyone can do for their own health, both physically and mentally. Really recommend getting the book or listening to it like I did.

For example, there were a few examples of how someone’s ability to learn things - and remember them - is directly lowered by getting too little sleep. If you were to take a test on Monday and your studied Wednesday and Thursday the week before, going out drinking that Friday and getting less quantity + quality sleep actually would lower your ability to remember what you already learned. So even if you had all weekend to recover and your slept enough the night before the test, the damage would already be done.

By the way, I really want to commend you for tackling the drinking and the porn addiction - I seriously can’t even imagine going through that simultaneously. 16/17 days is fucking amazing, and I wish you well going forward! Focusing on sleep seems like it will be a great help to you, so stay focused on that!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Good for you and I’m glad you found reboot nation and your brain on porn. Excellent resources and support. Keep up the hard work and as you already mentioned, you are feeling better already!! It’s been 44 days for me now porn and masturbation free!! Keep up your hard work. It’s so worth it and when I think of all the time I wasted looking at porn it’s crazy
Thank you @JSP! Yeah, it’s been great coming here, it’s been very helpful to me. Most of all, being honest with you guys on here makes me be more honest with myself and not bullshit myself - keeps my head on straight in a way.

44 days, very nice! Let’s not waste another minute on this trash called porn.
 

JSP

Member
Thank you @JSP! Yeah, it’s been great coming here, it’s been very helpful to me. Most of all, being honest with you guys on here makes me be more honest with myself and not bullshit myself - keeps my head on straight in a way.

44 days, very nice! Let’s not waste another minute on this trash called porn.
I agree. It’s not easy. Porn is free and it’s convenient and it’s anonymous but not good for us. Of course jerking off feels great and the orgasm but it’s the afterwards feeling of guilt. Stroking feels great but being porn free is way better. Glad you are here!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Absolutely, @Escapeandnevercomeback, I really get that! Sleep is so incredibly important as well, and not getting enough sleep can lead to lowered judgement and repeated unhealthy behaviours, again leading to less / lower quality sleep - a vicious cycle.

I used to not care how much sleep I got, as long as I felt relatively okay waking up. I would consequently get maybe 5 or 6 hours of sleep, would on occasionally go out drinking the night before work and sometimes get only a couple of hours sleep. Combined with alcohol, which makes sleep quality really suffer, I felt like absolute shit, but probably was damaging myself more than I knew.

A couple of years ago I listened to an audiobook, I think it’s called Why We Sleep. I can tell you that I got scared straight, just like learning about what porn does to your brain. I believe getting enough sleep is the single most important thing anyone can do for their own health, both physically and mentally. Really recommend getting the book or listening to it like I did.

For example, there were a few examples of how someone’s ability to learn things - and remember them - is directly lowered by getting too little sleep. If you were to take a test on Monday and your studied Wednesday and Thursday the week before, going out drinking that Friday and getting less quantity + quality sleep actually would lower your ability to remember what you already learned. So even if you had all weekend to recover and your slept enough the night before the test, the damage would already be done.

By the way, I really want to commend you for tackling the drinking and the porn addiction - I seriously can’t even imagine going through that simultaneously. 16/17 days is fucking amazing, and I wish you well going forward! Focusing on sleep seems like it will be a great help to you, so stay focused on that!
(y) Thanks, man.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
You're right, downhill, 25 days is not nothing! There is that progress, and practicing distancing yourself from your unwanted habits. Good on you!

I like how you immediately made changes to your routine and bounced back, and didn't waste time wallowing in self-pity.

The dream thing, I know all about that..., it's definitely a dream about shame, about 'not wanting to get caught', etc.... Explore ways to deepen your sense of self-acceptance, which not only includes those moments when we're doing good, but also (if not especially) those moments when we've failed or are struggling.

The concept 'radical acceptance' is so important in recovery. You got this, brother, and you're doing good!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Yes @Phineas 808, that’s one thing I feel is becoming better at the moment. Accepting that I make mistakes, even though I sometimes struggle with admitting it right away.

It’s all about how we deal with making those mistakes, and understanding that if we don’t have some form of self-compassion, accept that we have flaws, and being willing to work on them, getting back up will be so much harder.

Radical acceptance, I like that. Thank you for the encouragement!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 3

Things have been going well so far. Trying to be a bit more active on the forums, trying to learn.

My dog had a small operation yesterday, it was a superficial growth that needed to be cut away and tested. Only problem is the resulting wound is right on his knee, so he can not go for more than 5-10 minute walks throughout the day. I was planning on taking long hikes this week as I’m still off work, so it’s kind of a bummer - but I’m going to have to just stay at home, watch over him and try to do some constructive stuff.

I don’t think I’m going to have much difficulty with urges, but will be sticking to my rules regarding my phone, social media etc.

I guess I’m slowly getting better. It’s not so long ago I would spend hours every single day on porn. If I wasn’t watching it, I would be exciting myself using subtitutes, reddit pages, Instagram profiles, camgirls, and so on. So many hours wasted on absolutely nothing. I’m glad it’s over, and I can’t wait to cut it out of my life for good.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 4

No urges yet. Doing well, but getting a little restless because I can’t go anywhere. Feeling a bit flat and emotionless.

Can’t complain though, things will be back no normal soon enough and I can get going with my routines.
 
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Recovery Will Come

Active Member
Keep on trucking!!! I admire how you can bounce back on track so quickly.. That was always the hardest thing for me… I would always go on a binge for weeks which turned into months and and years… Keep going man!!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thank you @Recovery Will Come!

It’s always tempting to think that once you relapse, doing it just once more won’t hurt. And then you sort of just keep going. I think stopping myself before that happens is crucial, because once the habit creeps in then it becomes harder to stop.

I’m guilty of this as well, and it’s usually a day or two before I get my shit together and realise I don’t want to spend my days like that.

Hope you are doing well in your recovery :)
 

Recovery Will Come

Active Member
Thank you @Recovery Will Come!

It’s always tempting to think that once you relapse, doing it just once more won’t hurt. And then you sort of just keep going. I think stopping myself before that happens is crucial, because once the habit creeps in then it becomes harder to stop.

I’m guilty of this as well, and it’s usually a day or two before I get my shit together and realise I don’t want to spend my days like that.

Hope you are doing well in your recovery :)
Yes that was the most challenging part to me… To the point where it just can’t be a option anymore…. My hats off to you man and stay strong!! We got this
 
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