It ends here.

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
@WinkTinkTillium @Ezel and @Blondie thank you guys!

I’m a bit better now, but had a couple of days just lying under two wool blankets. I watched some series and even a movie that normally would be very triggering for me. I wanted some easy entertainment to pass the time, thankfully I didn’t really respond to any of it as far as I can tell. So that’s a good sign. Soon my next goal will be 60 days!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 30

If I truly want to get better, making it 60 days without P is the very least I can do for myself.

Last night I couldn’t sleep, and ended up with MO just to fall asleep. Maybe it was a bad excuse, and I think I regret it. I need to get back to my routines, start working out and eating better - being sick kind of messed with all that. It will get better.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Hope you get there soon! Covid has been really messing with a lot of people even long after they recover, so hope none of that is happening to you.

Today was an awful day, I had to leave early from work and slept for 3-4 hours as soon as I got home. This probably means I’ll be up late and not get enough sleep tonight. I’m a week into what I think is just a normal cold, but starting to wonder it it might be something else.

Well, just have to wait this thing out and hope it’ll get better soon.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hope you get there soon! Covid has been really messing with a lot of people even long after they recover, so hope none of that is happening to you.
Thanks Downhill, yep I've been back to normal the last few weeks as far as my health is concerned. It's just getting back into the routine that is the challenge! :cool:

Get better soon - being sick is no fun. And stay strong, it's never worth it.

Best
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
@Blondie and @WinkTinkTillium, thanks guys!

I took the day off, went for a walk in the sun and got a treat on the way home. I think I needed that, feel a bit more like myself now. Dying to get back into my routine and do some creative work again. Today I think I’m going to try to play the guitar for a while and maybe do some reading.

I made a mistake today, received an email from ArtStation that was promoting some anatomy references with nudity. I viewed a couple of previews before managing to quit. Now, I should be able to look at this sort of stuff without it being a problem, but unfortunately I’m not there yet. I could really notice how my brain started obsessing and craving more. This is how it starts getting out of control.

I’m going to have to be careful and remember my rules - put my phone away whenever I’m at home, stay away from social media etc.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Okay, I feel like I'm finally getting better. After taking it slow today, I suddenly got the urge to do something. Played some guitar, worked out a bit, made myself a decent meal and went for a walk. It was dark and raining by the time I got outside again, and just by walking with some music playing I felt like I was coming alive again. It's such a rush coming out of a period of sickness and to feel strength returning to the body.

Man, this past week has just been a complete slog, I have almost not done anything worthwhile at all. Just sat in front of the TV, played videogames. Even masturbated several days in a row, and I don't really know why. I did not enjoy it. And I guess I sort of have an excuse for my behavior being sick and all, but there was always a choice in the way I spent my time. I didn't have to let myself go that far. Today really accentuated the change in my life in a broader sense - from sitting at home in front of a screen - to getting out there and just doing anything. Just a walk in the rain at night is endlessly more rewarding than sitting at home just mindlessly consuming.

The strange yearning, the euphoric recall that I've had for pornographic material is fading away by the day. Instead, I'm excited for what's ahead. I just need to keep turning away from this sickness and keep my eyes on what I want in life.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
I am so tired of being alone. It’s becoming clear that I’m absolutely starving for affection and intimacy. On the bus the other day, there was this woman who sat down next to me and our arms touched. There wasn’t any attraction or anything, but it struck me how incredibly strange it is that the most intimacy I have felt in my life lately is to a stranger on the bus.

Meanwhile, I know what porn is always there, just waiting. I have depended on it for so long just to feel okay, and keep the sense of loneliness and isolation at bay. Looking it up right now would probably give me an extreme rush, and make me really feel something. And that’s so incredibly sad.

The only way forward here is to keep abstaining from porn and substitutes. Start feeling purpose in the normal things in life, regain emotional stability and keep working on finally meeting someone.
 
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