It ends here.

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Indeed, they call that life. Something we all forgot about when we were neck deep in the P!

Stay strong brother. You're only 35, yes you're older, but you're not THAT old yet, so don't rush into anything quickly. We always make mistakes when we do that, especially when we feel we're "behind" etc.

I understand what you're saying though.
Thank you. Yes, I know it's not too late for me, somehow through all this I still retain that feeling that everything's going to be fine. I'm connecting so much more to people, and that has to result in a romantic connection sooner or later.

I can really relate to this entry. Realizing how meaningless the distractions that we've submerged ourselves in for so long are, compared to the fulfillment of forming a family of our own; that's a pretty intense feeling. As for how to handle it in a healthy way, use it to empower yourself rather than as ammunition for self-hatred. You're not fundamentally flawed, and you're not too old to revolutionize your life.

Developing feelings for a woman that are among the strongest that you've felt in your lifetime, doing so during a period of awakening (in our case rebooting), doing so with a woman who has a regular presence in your life and is already with someone else, and thinking about her frequently, I feel you on all of those things. It feels amazing and reassuring to have regained the ability to love someone in such a way, but the reality of their relationship status stings.
I have good news for you: That stinging can become less painful, if you actively change your viewpoint of things.
If the relationship that she's in is healthy, being in it is a blessing for her, allowing you to be happy for her. While you're doing so, you can reassure yourself, "There are single women out there that I'm capable of falling in love with". And this in turn inspires you to progress your recovery further and get out into the world. [This is easier to do when she lives far away from you; not applicable to your case obviously but worth mentioning]
Porn can make us selfish, especially in regards to feeling entitled to women. It's totally natural to be upset that you can't be with someone romantically, but don't let this influence of porn twist things. I suspect that it's not very effective on you though, considering your maturity and rebooting progress thus far 😁👍
Thank you for the comment, I know I'm not the first to be in this situation but it helps to hear this.

I'm trying not to get down, to not be frustrated with her or with myself. I still feel like getting to know her better, just because I really like her. I really admire her, and it goes far beyond anything physical about her. I'm going to see her pretty much every day going ahead, and I just need to deal with that in the best way possible. What I have to watch out for is not to feel sorry for myself and try to get her pity somehow, I have had a tendency to do that and it leads nowhere good for anyone.

What you're saying about being happy for her rings very true to me. That should always be a priority when you care for someone, of course I want her to be happy. Of course I want their daughter to grow up with both parents still together. And I would never deliberately get in the way of something like that. With that said, part of the reason I fell so hard for her is just the way she looks at me sometimes. I got the feeling there's something there, but I'm aware that my interpretation of social cues might not be 100% yet. This whole rebooting and recovery process might be messing with me and getting me to think something is more substantial than it really is.

And yes, I'm already feeling a huge boost to better myself. It's probably subconsciously a way for me to be more attractive to her or any potential partner, but hey... it is what it is. Bottom line for me is just to play this cool. Be a friend to her the best I can, and if there's anything to this at all then time will tell.

The day after I found out that she has a boyfriend, I wrote down a list of positive aspects regarding the existence of the relationship and my discovery of it existing. Doing so was helpful, and as strange and personalized as some of my strategies for other things have been, this list idea might be effective for you and/or other people in this sort of situation. I wish you well with all of this, and I hope that you're able to healthily develop some sort of friendship with your coworker, at one point or another. I was able to immediately continue strengthening my friendship with my crush (so well that her hunch about me having feelings for her weakened 😅😎), and doing so has been incredibly rewarding. The feelings never entirely went away of course, but I've proven to myself that I can develop feelings for other women that are reassuringly stronger than the ones that I have for her nowadays, women who I can actually be with.
Thank you for sharing, and I'm glad you were able to do this. It sounds like a helpful thing for me to do right now, so I'll give it a go. Already have a few things in mind. :)
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Great job on day 70 @downhillfromhere!

90 days is just around the corner.
. I'm connecting so much more to people, and that has to result in a romantic connection sooner or later.
Great to hear! Yes, out of the 3,904,727,342 women in this world, odds are that literally millions of them would love you. Keep that in mind when you're feeling down.

I understand how you feel about that woman at work, I've had similar situations like that myself. The heart wants what it wants, and you really can't control how you "feel" about someone. However, you can control your actions. I would advise you to be very cautions about that situation and try to find someone else to crush on as soon as possible. If there's anything that can be said about us men it's this, when we're feeling lonely and need companionship and sex (all good things) we have proven, over and over again, that we're capable of making really bad decisions in the heat of the moment. Let's just say, even if it did work, think of all the complications that would happen that wouldn't be there if you just found someone single who didn't have a child with someone else?

Just a thought from a realist perspective. You can always tell me to fuck off lol.

I'll leave you with this. If you could believe deep down that there is someone out there that could like you and make you feel just like this girl, but would have none of the baggage that this situation has (child, husband), would you have even half the feelings you have right now? I have a hard time believing you would. Trust me man, there are many women that would love you, you just have to believe it.

Desperation makes us men "feel" insane shit, often not even real, but it feels real, because we can't see that there could be another reality.

Just a thought brother. I hope you don't take this the wrong way.

Best
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Great job on day 70 @downhillfromhere!

90 days is just around the corner.

Great to hear! Yes, out of the 3,904,727,342 women in this world, odds are that literally millions of them would love you. Keep that in mind when you're feeling down.

I understand how you feel about that woman at work, I've had similar situations like that myself. The heart wants what it wants, and you really can't control how you "feel" about someone. However, you can control your actions. I would advise you to be very cautions about that situation and try to find someone else to crush on as soon as possible. If there's anything that can be said about us men it's this, when we're feeling lonely and need companionship and sex (all good things) we have proven, over and over again, that we're capable of making really bad decisions in the heat of the moment. Let's just say, even if it did work, think of all the complications that would happen that wouldn't be there if you just found someone single who didn't have a child with someone else?

Just a thought from a realist perspective. You can always tell me to fuck off lol.

I'll leave you with this. If you could believe deep down that there is someone out there that could like you and make you feel just like this girl, but would have none of the baggage that this situation has (child, husband), would you have even half the feelings you have right now? I have a hard time believing you would. Trust me man, there are many women that would love you, you just have to believe it.

Desperation makes us men "feel" insane shit, often not even real, but it feels real, because we can't see that there could be another reality.

Just a thought brother. I hope you don't take this the wrong way.

Best
Yeah, this whole thing might be a bad idea even if it worked. That's a fair point. I should probably look somewhere else, and that's probably what's going to have to happen eventually.

On the other hand, I don't feel like ignoring or repressing what I'm feeling. It's been so long since I felt anything like this, and I can't just turn from it. What I mean to say is that right now, I would have her even with all the baggage in the world. Maybe that's just being a hopeless romantic, maybe I'm caught up in some feelings that I just can't handle right now.

To be clear, I don't mean that I'm going to try anything or even talk to her about it. I don't think it would be fair to do so. But just allow myself to engage with what I'm feeling somehow. And see what happens. I think I just need some time to work things out in my head.

But thank you for your advice, I'll try to keep this in mind if at some point I'm able to look at things more objectively. :) I think you're right that there are a lot of women out there who would be interested. I have just been so closed and walled off from the world that I didn't believe it.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
On the other hand, I don't feel like ignoring or repressing what I'm feeling. It's been so long since I felt anything like this, and I can't just turn from it.
Hey man, I definitely understand what you're saying here. And just to clarify, I think it's beautiful "what you're feeling" and I know how it feels because I felt the same way when I got off porn years ago. There was a woman at work I fell for as well, it was something that would never have worked, but it didn't matter, because it was just nice to "feel" something again. So I hear you. :cool:

I was just talking the practical aspects of it all, and how important it is for you to know how big the river is when it comes to women, thus, don't jump for the first fish! ;)

When I began to use dating apps, it felt surreal that women were complementing my looks. And even now, a few months later, it still feels a bit strange
Amen!



Best to you @downhillfromhere, and enjoy those beautiful feelings!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thanks for the comment @Blondie. Will certainly try!

Day 71

Today has been a tough one though. First day in a long time I have really been down, even if I’ve been quite sad the past few days. But right now for obvious reasons life feels pretty meaningless to me. I’m feeling the loneliness again, and I haven’t really felt that in a while. Life can be pretty damn bleak sometimes. I’ve never been suicidal (and I’m not now either, to be very clear), but on days like these I kind of understand how some people get so low. Like it might be better to just stop everything, you know?

But I’m trying to remember that things won’t feel like this forever, good days are coming. Have to remember that overall, I’ve been feeling better about my life in general, I’ve been more social, I’ve been a lot happier. I’ll get there again, there’s no reason I won’t. Just need to get through this.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Hang in there @downhillfromhere, we've all been there. It comes and goes in waves, that's just the way it is.

There is beauty on the other side brother!

Best to you.
72 days is impressive. Keep going. You inspire me and doubtless many others.
@downhillfromhere you are crushing it man, ✌️😎 keep going, God bless...
Thank you, appreciate the support!

Today was a slightly better day. Managed to control my emotions better than yesterday, things still seem kind of pointless but I think I'll be okay eventually. I'm still feeling restless like I have the last week. Like I don't want to waste a second watching Youtube and do something worthwhile. At the same time I still feel depressed and nothing really has any meaning. I'm kind of suspended in a state of wanting to spend time with someone and knowing that I can't. It hurts, but at least it's something right? Maybe this is what I've been afraid of, actually allowing myself to get hurt instead of burying myself in pointless activities.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Small update is in order here. I had my lowest point in a long time earlier tonight, I think I had intense anxiety or a panic attack of some kind. I haven’t felt that miserable and hopeless in years.

This might be linked to my porn use. It’s kept me insulated from feeling anything like this, in a state of numbness. This time I just had to sit with it, and I made a conscious effort to feel it instead of distracting myself with entertainment.

Man, this isn’t easy. But one good thing is that I don’t feel like using porn at all. I would rather have this torture and find better days on the other end.

Speaking of porn, I have not had any cravings in a while, a few weeks I think. A couple of times I remember what it looks like, what it feels like and I guess it still feels tempting - but I just know what it will mean for me if I go back. It’s never going to be worth it.

Leave it behind for good. I know you guys are with me here.
 

searching4good

Active Member
Hi @downhillfromhere - just a quick one to say that I can totally relate to finally feeling things that I haven't let myself feel in years due to the supposed comfort blanket of P being removed. I'm so far away from 70 days clean (which is amazing btw and so inspirational) but I have been feeling very intensely the vulnerabilities and pressures that I've been carrying around somewhat unwittingly all these years.

It can feel a bit overwhelming but you're absolutely right that the only way is through it. I've no doubt whatsoever that one of the keys to our respective recoveries is rediscovering (or heck, maybe even discovering for the first time) that being able to recognise and process these vulnerabilities is intrinsic to growing into the kind of men who can look rationally at P and realise, deeply, that there is nothing for us there. It sounds like you're making such good progress in that respect already. There's only one way to keep going. You've got this, you really do. Tomorrow is a new day full of possibility.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Hi @downhillfromhere - just a quick one to say that I can totally relate to finally feeling things that I haven't let myself feel in years due to the supposed comfort blanket of P being removed. I'm so far away from 70 days clean (which is amazing btw and so inspirational) but I have been feeling very intensely the vulnerabilities and pressures that I've been carrying around somewhat unwittingly all these years.

It can feel a bit overwhelming but you're absolutely right that the only way is through it. I've no doubt whatsoever that one of the keys to our respective recoveries is rediscovering (or heck, maybe even discovering for the first time) that being able to recognise and process these vulnerabilities is intrinsic to growing into the kind of men who can look rationally at P and realise, deeply, that there is nothing for us there. It sounds like you're making such good progress in that respect already. There's only one way to keep going. You've got this, you really do. Tomorrow is a new day full of possibility.
Thanks man. It does make sense, that we just have to go through some experience in dealing with emotions that suddenly are felt in a much deeper way. For me it’s not even a choice anymore, the positives so far have far outweighed the negatives.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 73

Kind of crazy that I’m at 90 days in just a couple of weeks. It seemed almost impossible a few weeks back!

Today was better still. Was able to enjoy my day somewhat, things are going to be okay. I booked an appointment with a clinic in my city, going to try out a treatment that I think could help me regarding my depression and anxiety. I figured I might as well try it now that I need it most, have been considering it for a long time now. So I’ll see what that brings, looking forward to it.

I’m sorry for not being more active in the forums these days, I will try to make some time to do that soon, once I get my head in the right place.
 
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downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thank you, Escape! Regarding porn use I’m in a good place right now, but trying to stay aware that it could change at any moment. But I would say that the more days I spend away from porn and substitutes, the easier it gets. Been following you as well, and you’re doing excellent, keep it up that way!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Today was better than yesterday, I’m noticing a trend here. I still have these feelings, but I’m now able to see this woman at work without losing it completely. Working myself towards feelings of admiration and platonic love for a fellow human being instead of thinking the world is going to end if I can’t be with her. I just can’t, and that’s the end of it.
 
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