I’ve had a generalized sex addiction for as long as I can remember, and like anything it got worse and worse over time. As a teenager, I would pay per view porn on my parents’ TV and it was never discussed. In college, I started calling phone sex lines. Sometime after, I discovered cam sites where people would have cameras on 24 hours a day. Then, I discovered camsites and suddenly found myself dropping tokens. This progressed to me starting to go to strip clubs alone. Much of this was triggered by drinking, but they are two separate addictions. Finally, after I became concerned that I contracted an STD in the VIP room at a strip club, I hit rock bottom and contemplated suicide. It was like I was leading a double life and couldn’t control myself any longer.
Instead, I came clean and had an understanding partner and, though it was a rough go, I got help. I stopped drinking. I started therapy. I went to some meetings. Days turned to weeks turned to months turned to some years.
My slip into relapse was gradual. First, I allowed myself to check free porn sites. Then, I would occasionally check the Twitter of my favorite camgirl. Then I started logging back in to my cam site of choice, going through the process of reactivating my account, checking on the profiles of my favorite cam girl and a couple of others, making sure I’d deleted any trace of history, and deactivating. I felt once again the fallacy of having it under control.
And then about five months ago, in a particularly stressful time, I logged back in to my favorite cam girl’s room. I was hoping she wouldn’t remember who I was. She did remember who I was and actually had an emotional reaction. It was the opposite of what I wanted. I told myself it was one visit and told her I had a sex addiction but that I just wanted to not let her think I ghosted. And then I never went back in. Until a few weeks later.
I kept a bright line of not buying tokens, “but if I follow her Onlyfans and that’s it, it will be ok”
And then, finally last night, i bought tokens again. And the relapse was complete. Almost three years had passed. And then I couldn’t sleep. And the guilt creeps back in.
I’m much stronger than I was when I hit rock bottom. I know I can do this. But I’ve also realized that I have to shut off all stimulation to rewire. I’m taking those steps now. A Google search took me here, but after reading through this site, I feel like this is the right space for me to try to recover and start over.
I will get through this. One day at a time. Thank you for reading.
Instead, I came clean and had an understanding partner and, though it was a rough go, I got help. I stopped drinking. I started therapy. I went to some meetings. Days turned to weeks turned to months turned to some years.
My slip into relapse was gradual. First, I allowed myself to check free porn sites. Then, I would occasionally check the Twitter of my favorite camgirl. Then I started logging back in to my cam site of choice, going through the process of reactivating my account, checking on the profiles of my favorite cam girl and a couple of others, making sure I’d deleted any trace of history, and deactivating. I felt once again the fallacy of having it under control.
And then about five months ago, in a particularly stressful time, I logged back in to my favorite cam girl’s room. I was hoping she wouldn’t remember who I was. She did remember who I was and actually had an emotional reaction. It was the opposite of what I wanted. I told myself it was one visit and told her I had a sex addiction but that I just wanted to not let her think I ghosted. And then I never went back in. Until a few weeks later.
I kept a bright line of not buying tokens, “but if I follow her Onlyfans and that’s it, it will be ok”
And then, finally last night, i bought tokens again. And the relapse was complete. Almost three years had passed. And then I couldn’t sleep. And the guilt creeps back in.
I’m much stronger than I was when I hit rock bottom. I know I can do this. But I’ve also realized that I have to shut off all stimulation to rewire. I’m taking those steps now. A Google search took me here, but after reading through this site, I feel like this is the right space for me to try to recover and start over.
I will get through this. One day at a time. Thank you for reading.