Here We Go Again

160450

Member
I’ve had a generalized sex addiction for as long as I can remember, and like anything it got worse and worse over time. As a teenager, I would pay per view porn on my parents’ TV and it was never discussed. In college, I started calling phone sex lines. Sometime after, I discovered cam sites where people would have cameras on 24 hours a day. Then, I discovered camsites and suddenly found myself dropping tokens. This progressed to me starting to go to strip clubs alone. Much of this was triggered by drinking, but they are two separate addictions. Finally, after I became concerned that I contracted an STD in the VIP room at a strip club, I hit rock bottom and contemplated suicide. It was like I was leading a double life and couldn’t control myself any longer.

Instead, I came clean and had an understanding partner and, though it was a rough go, I got help. I stopped drinking. I started therapy. I went to some meetings. Days turned to weeks turned to months turned to some years.

My slip into relapse was gradual. First, I allowed myself to check free porn sites. Then, I would occasionally check the Twitter of my favorite camgirl. Then I started logging back in to my cam site of choice, going through the process of reactivating my account, checking on the profiles of my favorite cam girl and a couple of others, making sure I’d deleted any trace of history, and deactivating. I felt once again the fallacy of having it under control.

And then about five months ago, in a particularly stressful time, I logged back in to my favorite cam girl’s room. I was hoping she wouldn’t remember who I was. She did remember who I was and actually had an emotional reaction. It was the opposite of what I wanted. I told myself it was one visit and told her I had a sex addiction but that I just wanted to not let her think I ghosted. And then I never went back in. Until a few weeks later.

I kept a bright line of not buying tokens, “but if I follow her Onlyfans and that’s it, it will be ok”

And then, finally last night, i bought tokens again. And the relapse was complete. Almost three years had passed. And then I couldn’t sleep. And the guilt creeps back in.

I’m much stronger than I was when I hit rock bottom. I know I can do this. But I’ve also realized that I have to shut off all stimulation to rewire. I’m taking those steps now. A Google search took me here, but after reading through this site, I feel like this is the right space for me to try to recover and start over.

I will get through this. One day at a time. Thank you for reading.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
P is a distraction, distortion and delusion.
In P we live fantasies, not reality, so we end up getting more confused and messed up when we return from P trip.

To break the P relationship one needs to do 2 things:
1. See P and all it's associates as THE ENEMY
2. return to reality without excuse or escape.

1. When one can see that P benefits only itself. Your camgirl is interested only in your money. They sitting in front of a screen doing all sorts of personal stuff for 7 hours a day 5 days a week is tough.
Just as we don't care about the performers, they don't care about us too.
Each half is abusing the other.
But P people are getting a better deal. They are moving our blessing and benefits to them. They are getting richer at our expense. They rise higher and happier as we dig ourselves deeper into dispair. There is no fair trade here. They are our WORST ENEMY.

2. We turn to P because something isn't right in reality, but either we don't realize it, or are unwilling to fix it.

Ask ourselves, what make me happy?
A. Taking good care of ourselves, including recognizing our emotions and giving ourselves time and space to recover.
B. Getting appropriate love and attention from others
C. Doing things and feeling accomplished and achieving our goals

Does P do any of the above? No.
That's why we never feel good after P, no matter whatever false lies we try to tell ourselves.

To truly feel good is to go back to the ABC.
And once we feel good, there is absolutely no need for THE ENEMY to be in our life.
 
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Day 5. Let’s win today. Ignoring that “you can just look quickly” vibe.

Read your struggle, feel your pain. I've got a suggestion (one I'm trying to follow) that may help. In the past when I've tried to end my addiction, I focused on the days. "OK, there's day one, if I can make it to day 7, that's a new record", or "If I go a month, then I'll buy X as a reward", et cetera. It's never worked, and feels a lot like some form of water drop torture. My suggestion is to ignore the days/weeks/months and instead, make it a decision on a moment-by-moment, hour-by-hour, and day-by-day process. Decide every moment you're beyond this and looking forward. You're not that person you were, you made a decision to be different. And you're making that decision again every moment. That way, you can deal with the temptations and the triggers of the moment and get past the time-block approach.

But hey, what do I know? Seriously, I'm just getting going again, so maybe my approach is crap. But I'm going to try it, and make it work.

Best wishes for a good day and a better day for you.
 

160450

Member
Thanks, brother. I appreciate this and you’re looking out. I’m taking it day-by-day. Since I fell off with over 2 years under my belt, I definitely know to take it day-by-day at this point. Stay strong!
 
Hi, do you have still your partner or you are alone? Try not to be alone, find fellows-even if yolu find here some.
I am hoping that this distarcts me from porn.
 

160450

Member
Thanks for that. I’ve got support systems but just need to stop hiding from them. Reading what others are going through helps though.
 
We will always find excuses why we fell off. Maybe we will never be able to change completly, but to put it in a moderate way...? That P shall not take over control on us.
I read here, almost all of us fell once, twice, some a houndred times.
You should consider it as a stumble, continue the fight. Not even fight, lets consider this as a climb up to a hill, now your grip slipped, hold on and get another grip, go on, keep on climbing.
 

160450

Member
Thanks for this — 10 days on track since my slip and feeling like it’s not square one and I can do this. Appreciate the support.
 
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