No more excuses

I have a 50+ year history of issues with sexual insecurities, sexual obsessions, pornography, and other related issues. I know I'm not alone in having these problems and have spent decades trying to deal with them on my own. I'm going to keep a personal journal here to help me put my issues to words and to document my progress in dealing with these problems, finding ways to combat my compulsion and addiction, forgive myself for my limitations, and make progress towards realizing my potentials as a man, a husband, and as a father. Today is a new first step.
 
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Some particulars. I'm in my mid-60's, I had a 30+ year successful professional career and retired my early 50's. I'm athletic, married over 30 years and have two children. I've had some significant health issues but am in pretty good condition right now. I have a wide variety of interests and there's much I want to learn and accomplish.

I feel that pornography and sexual insecurity has been a huge negative influence on my life ever since my early teens, and continues to be so today. I know I can make significant, life-long changes, and have good discipline and willpower in nearly all areas - except this one. For health issues, I recently decided to stop drinking alcohol completely - and I'm 100% sure this is a decision I'm never going back on. If I could do the same with my issues regarding pornography and sexuality, it would be incredibly positive for me. But I've tried about 10,000 times in the past and have failed. I'm here today because that string of failures is at an end and I'm going to be a different person.

I would appreciate any suggestions and support as I start this process. My intention is to come here every day and update my progress. I will also take the time to read others postings and offer encouragement. I'd offer advice but I recognize that at this point, I have none because I haven't been successful in the past. As I find things that help, I'll be in a better position to make some suggestions to others.
 
Some other things to know about me and pornography and my sexual history. I have never confided in anyone about my problems, and that includes my wife. I have never been caught masturbating or watching porn, despite doing it daily for about 50 years. I had many girlfriends and sexual partners before marrying my wife, and I have been 100% physically faithful to her (no affairs or outside romantic relationships of any kind). I don't pay for pornography in any form, I only view what's available online for free.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
@zubeneschamali , i feel P addiction isn't simply about P.
It's about your overall relationship with life. If you don't go out to explore and find new and enjoyable things to do and experience, you'll always come back to P.

Recovery cannot happen in a vacuum. You need to replace P and the time with P with something else.
You also need to do other things that make you feel good about yourself. P is a comfort medium. So having something else that comforts you or makes your happy is intrinsic to recovery.
 

Simonly

Member
@zubeneschamali I'm in my mid 50's also overcoming an addiction that goes back a similar time, so I'm guessing that if like me, our addiction has traversed, and progressed over different medias ... from glossy magazines, VHS tapes, DVDs ... and now in the era of fast Internet and HD movies.

For me, owning up to myself that I was addicted, and joining this forum was a big step.

Working out what "triggers" you to watch Porn ... and when? ... will help you put in place measures to overcome the urges. For me ... in more recent years my addiction is / was simply fuelled by habit that built over many years, and also stress. The "habit" can be interrupted by willpower, use of blockers, and also developing new interests to divert attention away. I am now working avoiding "stress" which is a trigger.

Your "triggers" maybe different?

Retracing and exploring your past may help you identify and address any longer term, deep rooted issues that fuels addiction.

Hope this helps. Good Luck.

... and so onwards we go!
 
@zubeneschamali I'm in my mid 50's also overcoming an addiction that goes back a similar time, so I'm guessing that if like me, our addiction has traversed, and progressed over different medias ... from glossy magazines, VHS tapes, DVDs ... and now in the era of fast Internet and HD movies.

For me, owning up to myself that I was addicted, and joining this forum was a big step.

Working out what "triggers" you to watch Porn ... and when? ... will help you put in place measures to overcome the urges. For me ... in more recent years my addiction is / was simply fuelled by habit that built over many years, and also stress. The "habit" can be interrupted by willpower, use of blockers, and also developing new interests to divert attention away. I am now working avoiding "stress" which is a trigger.

Your "triggers" maybe different?

Retracing and exploring your past may help you identify and address any longer term, deep rooted issues that fuels addiction.

Hope this helps. Good Luck.

... and so onwards we go!

Yeah, it's been a lot of stuff over the years. I never was much of one to pay for anything. Magazines, then tape rentals. Pretty much straight from there into internet porn, which is the most insidious. I've known I'm an addict for years, have tried forums before to no success. Much higher motivation this time, so I'm confident this will be more effective this time.

I'm pretty much triggered by nearly anything, which makes it much harder to avoid. Biggest trigger for me is procrastination. When I have things I know I need or want to do, but can't get going on it, porn/MB is my release. Often, it actually works, because I'm so disgusted with myself for giving in and wasting the time, that I get to what I should have done in the first place. That's the trigger that I'm going after the most.

As for retracing and exploring, I've done a lot of that. I have a pretty good idea of the more deep-rooted sexuality problems I have that are the core of my porn/MB addiction. I'm going to deal with that by putting it all down in words, acknowledging it, forgiving myself, recognizing the warped mindsets that I have to get over, and liking myself.

Thanks for reading and helping, it's much appreciated.
 
@zubeneschamali , i feel P addiction isn't simply about P.
It's about your overall relationship with life. If you don't go out to explore and find new and enjoyable things to do and experience, you'll always come back to P.

Recovery cannot happen in a vacuum. You need to replace P and the time with P with something else.
You also need to do other things that make you feel good about yourself. P is a comfort medium. So having something else that comforts you or makes your happy is intrinsic to recovery.

Agree, it isn't the porn/mb, it's more deep-rooted sexuality problems in my case.

As for replacing porn/mb, I agree, and it's not like I'm lacking for things I need and want to do. Fear of failure at those things leads me to procrastination, and procrastination leads me to porn/mb. The wasted time and missed opportunity to do what I need or wanted to do feeds the fear of failure, and amplification occurs. The cycle repeats. My goal is to break the cycle at the beginning, which is not the porn/mb. It's overcoming one of humanity's biggest problems, fear of failure. I'm going to do a lot of reading on that to help me, and writing .

Thanks again for your input and taking the time to read and respond, much appreciated.
 
Just checking back in. All going well, controlling my triggers, getting stuff done. Not much progress on dealing with my long-term sexuality issues, but I'm getting back to that. Not really counting the days, because I'm not going back to who I was, and looking forward is my focus. Thanks for reading.
 
I'm recognizing that one of my strongest triggers is procrastination. I have used PMO to avoid doing things I needed to do for ages. I can also see where I've used other avoidance techniques (e.g. online games) in place of PMO when I've been resisting the urge, to also enable procrastination. Working hard to break this trigger.
 
Still doing well. Big factor for me is suppressing mental imagery. Porn imprints persistent images in your brain that enable you to relive and experience porn completely in your mind. Such imagery can pop up into your consciousness at nearly any time. It's important for me to suppress it the moment it happens, and put my mind elsewhere. At least for me, this is one of the most powerful triggers and one that's the hardest to fight against.
 

Carl_Smith

Active Member
Hey Z. I'm 42 and had a messed up view of sexuality for most of my life. Divorced parents, gangster rap, stupid friends/peers, jerking off, then porn.... but a few years ago I did learn about and figure out tantric sex (imho what sex should be) and quit porn 7 months ago. I've never been in a better place mentally. I have two sons and I've told them about my addiction, and hope they don't go down this road (oldest is 12). good luck man, keep it up.
 
Hey Z. I'm 42 and had a messed up view of sexuality for most of my life. Divorced parents, gangster rap, stupid friends/peers, jerking off, then porn.... but a few years ago I did learn about and figure out tantric sex (imho what sex should be) and quit porn 7 months ago. I've never been in a better place mentally. I have two sons and I've told them about my addiction, and hope they don't go down this road (oldest is 12). good luck man, keep it up.
Thanks, will read about Tantric practices.
 
Well, my urge was weakening, too, but it was still strong enough for a relapse. I know what triggered it, I know how to deal with it next time. The path to success is never linear. I said before, I don't count days, I focus on the here and the now. Understanding why I relapse is part of the process.
 
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