Lazarus

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 0

I relapsed not long after I posted that last message. I'm going to start taking brief breaks before leaving my workplace after I clock out to plan. I need specific plans of action for when work gets crazy and my sleep schedule gets thrown out of whack.

On a positive note, I did just that this morning and ended up bumping into a men's Bible study group. I'm planning on visiting their meet-up next week!
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 2

Working on emotional/attitude control. Been looking into Old Testament prophecies on Babylon; lotta interesting parallels with Revelation 18 and other parts of the Bible's last book. Jeremiah 50-51 are a goldmine.

Feeling a little lonelier than usual, but stable.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 3

Had a close call yesterday. I allowed some thoughts to creep in right as I was getting ready for bed; had to hug myself to sleep to keep from M'ing. Which is something I may start doing as a response, 'cause it actually worked pretty well. Gives my hands something better to do. Helps me to feel less unstable.

Didn't get much done after work today. Just tired, dawg.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 0

Another morning relapse. These are getting more common. I need to start setting coffee out on days when I know my sleep ain't gonna be the best. On the bright side, there was one notable difference from last time: I didn't have the urge to go look at P afterward. I actually felt a bit more remorseful. That's a good thing by my metric.
 
I actually felt a bit more remorseful. That's a good thing by my metric.
Regret is actually powerful and necessary for changing behavior, so that's good. Regret is healthy, but do watch out for guilt and shame, because these can sabotage successful attempts at change! Confessing your faults and practicing your faith are good tools for overcoming guilt and shame.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 0

I think I've narrowed down the current pattern: I keep having really dirty thoughts when I'm going to sleep, then waking up and relapsing. Specifically while showering. Going to try establishing a buffer activity between when I wake up and showering so that I can sort of clear my head. Maybe have breakfast so I can get my strength back, then I can take a cold shower and have less hesitation (jumping straight into a cold shower right after bed would have its benefits, yes, but I can't work myself up to do it consistently.)

I know I can break this cycle if I keep trying. Bear with me, my fellow get-back-uppers.
 

Simon2

Active Member
You have to stop "trying" and just "do". Yoda Lol.
Here's what Yoda said: Do or do not. There is no try.

I know. I know. Easier said than done. BUT it is true.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 1

Found a good sermon on repentance today; helped me to realize that it's not the end of the world to stumble and have to repent again. Obedience is a result of faith and repentance, and is fruit in keeping with repentance, but not repentance itself. At least, that's what he seemed to be saying. Thinking that way and aligning my mind to catch these wayward thoughts and bring them to God certainly seems to have helped today.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 2

I keep catching myself in thoughts and repenting. It's actually pretty effective so far, just having the alarm up. It ain't perfect, and sometimes a thought hits that's too obstinate to get rid of in one fell swoop, but it seems to work for me.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 3

Had to use a different shower than usual after waking up. I think I'm going to use that same shower from now on when I can; it's a big enough change that it sort of counteracts my shower-related triggers.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 2

I overestimated myself, it seems. Wanna know what triggered my relapse this time? A completely SFW picture of a fully clothed woman. I'm that got-dang thirsty. Still, even with these relapses, I've slowly been rebuilding my arsenal, and leaning more and more into the strength of my God. I know that a break-through is coming if I cling to faith and don't lose hope. And it also helps to remember the pain these relapses have caused each time I start to get a little shaky-footed.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 4

Had the night off. Had to really wrestle with sexual thoughts a few times. One element of what I've been doing that's been helpful is to re-imagine whatever "women" my mind conjures up as being grotesque, boil-ridden, demonic-looking things. Feels accurate enough when I weigh out where these thoughts, left uncontrolled, have been leading me for years.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 5

It's been a rough day for my purity so far. I wasted about an hour fantasizing. I didn't O or use P, but I did M. I feel kind of down about it. However, I am glad that, at least so far, I've managed to step back out of the pit before it was too late, glory to God. More than anything, I'm convicted of two things: that victory is still possible, and that I still need to remember just how lethal even a straying mind can be.
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
Absolutely ^ those hit it nail on the had. Doing the right stuff can lead to amazing things, but the wrong stuff can lead to very bad.

Keep up building these days up!
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 7

I'm honestly a little shocked I got this far. I was really starting to lose hope with those last few relapses. But my Lord's mercies are new every day.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 8

It was a rough day today. Sundays tend to be like that. I think my mind got so blurred when I was in that last cycle of relapses that I forgot how bad Sundays in particular were. I think it's spiritual warfare and the deceiver trying to bring me to shame when I should be worshiping, personally, though it could also be something psychological.

As for why I call it a rough day, I spent about 30 minutes in the shower edging. I'd have probably O'd if my friend hadn't called me. I think going to church and partaking in fellowship and worship really helped refocus me on the fight for purity, and how it's won. I surrender to Lord Jesus. My life is His, and He is my hope. I will not forget why I started this journey.
 
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