Lazarus

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 1

So, yeah, I stumbled. After I lied down to sleep, I started getting really intrusive thoughts, and I ultimately caved. The good news is that I seem to have taken it in stride. All throughout today I was getting really strong urges to look at P. Still haven't yet. I think I can still move on from this stronger.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 0

I relapsed pretty hard today. PMO twice. After that I watched a video about the crucifixion and wept my eyes out. I feel like you could lob my moral compass into the winds and start a twister with all that spinning.

Gonna buy a new journal for tracking personal progress, some sticky-notes to put on my computer screen, and a second alarm clock to help me haul ass out of bed. Also got some melatonin to knock me out a bit easier.

Lastly, I wanna say that if I hadn't had my accountability partner to talk to after the fact, I'd probably be taking this a lot worse. Having someone else in the fight to share the burden with really seems to help process the shame without forgetting that I've still got to keep pushing.

I'm not out of hope yet.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 1

I've posted several sticky notes around the edge of my computer screen. Mostly Bible verses, plus a reminder to not be on the computer for more than one hour without taking a break.

The images of what I looked at yesterday are still fresh in my mind. I've been trying to keep focused on what's right in front of me and keep my hands busy. Even the music the videos played is still stuck in my head. But my God is sustaining me.

Gonna listen to a little bit of music to try and wash it out.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 4

Sundays are, as always, rougher than usual for no discriminate reason. But somehow, just knowing that kinda helped me keep a relative level of control. Not that it's all sunshine and rainbows; I M'd in the shower again.

That aside, I've also just been kinda depressed lately. Maybe withdrawal, or maybe life circumstances. The general tone of life right now just seems bitter. Hell, as I type this it's raining cats and dogs out there; could just be the weather. IDK. But I'm sure I'll get better.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 0

Alright... I'm establishing a rule to not take my showers in the upstairs bathroom. Every time, it just leads bad places. I know that this habit can be triggered by certain locations and times, and that location seems to just have some bad mental mojo for the time being.

I also did something I haven't done in a while: I turned on worship music and just had a long moment of quiet, prayerful meditation. It didn't stop me from going on to relapse, but it did make me feel like things are going to be alright. I think if I keep doing this, it'll help lighten my spirits a bit. If I'm not feeling so down, maybe these urges will find less perch to push me back down. If I'm already feeling fine, why turn to PMO, right?

And as mentioned above, I'm going to start getting some exercise when I get urges. Push-ups, curls, squats, walking, anything to get the energy out.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Know your triggers! That's a great strategy. So is the habit of turning to anything that lifts your spirits in a wholesome way.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 6

I stumbled a bit, earlier. I was going so strong. I didn't O or use P, but I did M while showering. I did not use the upstairs shower. It seems I need to narrow down my use of showers further to only at certain times. That's a feasible adjustment. I'm going to learn from this mistake and do better.
 
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