Lazarus

FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Androg said:
Have you already experimented, when you desperately need release, with a single masturbation (no porn, no binge) and see if that will help you get back on track? It doesn't work for everyone, because usually the intense cravings you describe are addiction-to-porn-related, not genuine libido. But even seeing that clearly can be useful. GL!
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I haven't tried that, and while I appreciate the sentiment behind the advice, this isn't something I'm interested in trying. To me and my conscience, it still feels like giving in. I do appreciate all the support you've been giving me throughout this leg of my journey, though!
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 2

Self-checks are definitely still helping. Got real worked-up at one point; realizing that I was slipping calmed me down right quick. I'll check out that website eventually, Androg.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 4

Self-checks are still doing me good. Just gotta keep the practice up. It's been especially helpful when a self-check helps me realize that I'm horny, which I know sounds weird, but sometimes I get worked up and don't even realize how it's affecting my decision-making.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 5

Another day of stopping myself when I'm at my emotional fever-pitches to check and see what's got me worked up. So far, I haven't M'd this whole reboot. I don't say that as a boast; it's only 5 days and even if it were a month I'd not want to invite pride in and risk opening a blind spot. Still, that's good news.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 7

Sorry for missing yesterday; must've lost track of time. I'm still going strong, though. Had the night off tonight. I actually did my first workout routine in a long time today. Nothing wild, just some curls and crunches, but still. I'll get in some more exercise tomorrow unless work keeps me too long.

Kinda crazy, but this marks an entire week without any P, M or O at all. Not in bed, not in the shower, nowhere. Just keeping in-tune with myself enough to be aware of where my emotions lead me is a pretty effective method. You know the saying "an ounce of prevention's worth a pound of cure"? I think that applies here.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 8

Good day so far. Feeling alright. One thing I've been doing daily that I haven't given quite as much spotlight in this journal but is a much bigger contributor to my success than anything: having a daily time set aside for prayer. It really does strengthen me to say no to temptations.

Speaking of temptations, I came 🤏 this close to M'ing in bed yesterday. I didn't, but it kinda shook me. Still, I have a chance to not do that today and I intend to use it.

Oh yeah, and I didn't find time to work out today. :(
 
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FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 0

I started my day by going to my men's Bible study group. It was actually a pretty good, encouraging experience. When I got home, I decided to take a shower. Bad move; I was feeling tempted right there and then. Since I had the night off, it might have even been a better move to just forego a shower for the day, but I didn't check myself and made a bad decision on impulse. I also caved again later on, this morning. I did not do a lot of self-checks throughout the day today. I did, however, hold to some other important habits.

I did my daily prayers. I also worked out, and managed to get some clean-up done around the place afterward. I know that none of that changes that I relapsed today, but I'd like to give light to the good things so that I can stay cheerful about this endeavor.

Also, while I don't have anything written down yet, I do have a place on the whiteboard next to my door put up for a plan. Namely, a plan on how to spend my next night off so that I have some structure. It's a lot easier to avoid relapse on work days because I have stuff to do that takes up most of the day. When I feel aimless, that's when this thing gets its hooks deep in me.

One last thing. I'd still like to smile at the fact that, up until tonight's relapse, I had an entirely M-free 8 days. That's great news in my eyes. That's the goal right there. Purity. That may not be what I hit, but it's what I'm aiming at. 🎯
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Last message popped off, huh?

Day 4

No PMO still. Think I'm coming down with a seasonal cold. Work's been pretty brutal lately; keeping it together is probably going to be a bit difficult. I've been having to stave off fantasies all day and right now I've got all kinds of urges going every which way. But still, no PMO. Still plenty to fight for.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 5

Finally found something I can do on my nights off. Got a gym membership at a place that's open 24/7. Went last night, it was really nice. Got some muscle workouts and cardio in. Also did some cooking, some gaming... all in all a good day. No PMO thus far.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 1

I've noticed an issue now that I've started working out. Basically, I feel the need to shower when I get home (and I don't really feel comfortable using the gym's showers) and I end up doing the shower thing. That's what started this previous relapse. I didn't use any P, just MO. I'm gonna take note right here that I don't think this should impede me from going to the gym; I just need a different strategy. Either I need in-and-out cold showers at home, or I need to just man up and pack changes so I can use the gym showers. Until I get a good backpack, I'll probably just do the cold showers.

Other than that, I need to get back into doing regular self-checks. Those really helped me out, but it's easy to slip out of the habit of doing them without noticing. So yeah, there's problems, but they can be mended.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 3

Keep being too tired to post here; had some crazy-long shifts these past few days, but I'm doing aight. Urge to PMO has been awful strong lately and I've been neglecting to do regular self-checks, which needs correction, but I'm doing aight.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 5

So, a brief recap. I've taken today as a rest day. My mind's been wandering a bit today. I still haven't rebuilt my habit of regular self-checks. Perhaps consequently, I've been having a lot of unrestrained dirty thoughts. I also M'd in the shower earlier today, and I do feel a lot weaker in terms of my motivation because of it. I lean on the accountability this journal pushes me into in asking for forgiveness; to some extent these repeated mess-ups reflect a lack of being able to give PMO the killing blow here.

I do have a radical idea, though. I'm thinking that I may have done myself a disservice by turning my own bloody bathroom into a forbidden fruit. So instead, I'm going to start taking a shower each day before bed. A quick, hot water, in-and-out, get-wet-and-dry-off type shower. That may be a terrible idea and cause me to relapse, in which case I'll try a different tactic, or it may desensitize me to where I stop associating that location with M, and undo my problem here. Either way, I intend to try.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 1

Ended up waking up halfway through my sleep. MO'd. Not proud of it, but then, I shouldn't be entirely surprised given the shower incident from earlier on. On that topic, however, I enacted my plan today. Hit the shower after sun-up. Didn't M. Just enjoyed the warmth of the water, then switched it over to cold to cool myself down. Was actually pretty nice.

I know I keep messing up, but I'm not out of this fight yet.
 
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