Lazarus

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 2

Long shift, woke up early, way tired, and gotta get up early again tomorrow. I had another M-less shower. Remembered to do a couple self-checks throughout the day, especially when I could tell my mood was souring. So far so good.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 3

I'll start with the bad news, then go to the good news.

I M'd when I was going to bed yesterday. Fantasies got in my head and I didn't shake them off. Thankfully I fell asleep pretty quickly. Early on today, after waking up, I really felt like I was going to relapse today. I felt doubt.

I didn't, though. Instead I stopped to ask what emotional or spiritual hole I was trying to fill with p*rn. That sort of worked me down out of the tree I had gotten climbed up into. Feeling a lot stronger now, though I'm remaining watchful, since the old itch can still hit me when I'm feeling confident.

Also, went to the gym again today, did aerobics. Made it 50 minutes on the stair machine before I petered out; thing kicked my butt. But boy did it feel good.

 

[Androg]

Have you tried vigorous exercise when you are struggling?

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 4

So far, still no P. Not even from the prior relapse. I need to remember that. That's still an improvement from where I was a couple years ago.

@Androg That's why I've been going to the gym on my nights off; that does help a lot. But it's a little harder to start getting my heart rate up right when I'm trying to go to bed, which is a major time when I'm tempted.

Now, as I've been posting these last few days, I've been trying to take showers a little before bed to try and retrain myself to stop seeing as a place for M. However, after a near-relapse today, I think I'm going to put a stop to that for now. At some point, I do need to take back the BR as a place of hygiene, but until I'm more stable, that may not play out the way I'm hoping. What has helped significantly is picking up a full-fledged study Bible, which has been helpful in that it encourages me to linger a bit more during my reading and really ponder the deeper aspects of my faith. I know not everyone here is religious, but faith is my primary anchor in this entire enterprise. As much as I can, I want to live consistently with my Father's ways, even if I know I'll still have temptations at every step of this current life.

 

[Brutus]

This might sound weird but have you considered changing how you bathe as an experiment? Maybe taking a slightly warm or cold bath would be better than taking a hot shower? Might be worth a shot.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 5

Holy canoli, what a long shift today. Thirteen hours! I'm worn out. Gonna get my prayers in and pass out.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 6

Another decently long shift. Found out I'm moving forward in the Asst Team Lead program. Also went and got in a good work out.

That's the good news; here's the bad: I've been M'ing. Shorter sessions than before. Like, I tried to take a nap, got worked up, and M'd for like 2 seconds before coming to my senses. After I got back from the gym, I gave up the fight against my own temptation and did the shower thing, but again, only relatively briefly before stopping. It feels like my mind is tugging at me every second. Even if I don't look at P, my brain will cook up some errant thought or fantasy and peck at me with it. It's all so tiresome, man.

But I'm still in this fight. I hate every compromise I've made, but I haven't thrown in the towel yet. I just need to get to bed and let today end. Whatever tomorrow brings, it will at least be a new day.

 

[Androg]

Once we're in an addictive cycle, giving into intense cravings tends to make the next wave of cravings more intense. You want to find a way to power through them. Once you're through withdrawal they gradually recede.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 0

For the record, I didn't post yesterday, but I did manage to get through the day without any PMO. Now as for today, I honestly thought that after I got done with my workout I'd just take a quick, easy cold shower, but I gave in to temptation. I also now know that, to shower at the gym, I will need to bring my own towel. That's what I'm going to do from now on after working out.

Since this particular relapse, I've been trying to control myself, but it's been an uphill battle. A lot of the fight just seems to be avoiding places of weakness. But I generally just feel weak right now.

Despite my bad decision earlier, though, and in spite of my present urges, I'm not giving up. I want to be free from this burden, and even if this is my last day on this fallen world, I would rather pass on while fighting this spiritual battle than meet my Creator after quitting the field.

 

[Brutus]

Day 0

For the record, I didn't post yesterday, but I did manage to get through the day without any PMO. Now as for today, I honestly thought that after I got done with my workout I'd just take a quick, easy cold shower, but I gave in to temptation. I also now know that, to shower at the gym, I will need to bring my own towel. That's what I'm going to do from now on after working out.

Since this particular relapse, I've been trying to control myself, but it's been an uphill battle. A lot of the fight just seems to be avoiding places of weakness. But I generally just feel weak right now.

Despite my bad decision earlier, though, and in spite of my present urges, I'm not giving up. I want to be free from this burden, and even if this is my last day on this fallen world, I would rather pass on while fighting this spiritual battle than meet my Creator after quitting the field.

Sorry about the relapse, it's good to hear you're still fighting though. God sees your effort and righteous desires and blesses you for them.
As you completely rely on the Lord to fight these battles for you the lust will start to disapear. Don't lose hope.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 1

Fresh start, I guess. Even after posting yesterday I still seriously struggled. But at least as far as I remember, I only had one real relapse yesterday. Let me mark this for future reference: I feel a lot better being able to say that now, after the fact, than I would feel knowing that I relapsed multiple times in a day.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 4

Busy. Work. Exercise. No PMO. Took a cold shower at the gym; helped.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 5

Won't lie, I've been pretty stressed lately. A lot of changes are about to take place at my job, and I've had a decent chunk of stress/anxiety from it. I may be getting a promotion and changing locations in the near future, though, which has positives and negatives.

I really wanted to cave in today. I still do, a little bit. But more than that, I wanted a break. A little bit of escape. So I sat down with my family and we played some video games together. It didn't really remove the want, not completely, but it made the severity of it tolerable. I'm gonna crash soon, but if I can just make it to that finish line, then today's leg of the reboot is a win.

 

[Androg]

You can do it!

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 6

Still feeling the pressure, but managing. A long-time teammate and I basically ran the crew tonight. Picked up a few things. It felt empowering to be entrusted with these responsibilities. I'm actually starting to look forward to taking on a leadership role.

Anyway, so far, so good.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 7

Went to the gym again; took my shower there. That definitely seems to help in that it keeps me from having an excuse to shower when I get home. I confess, however, that my imagination's getting harder to control. I keep getting these dirty thoughts that spiral into fantasies if I don't have the awareness to quiet them down each and every time they pop up. Doing that in conjunction with work/life stress has been difficult.

But still, I press on.

 

[Androg]

Learning to control your mind (instead of it controlling you) is a valuable skill...not just with respect to sexual fantasy.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 8

Doing... okay today. I think I'm hitting a point I've hit before where I look back on some of the things I've fantasized about and realize how bass-ackwards they are. Like... how did my passions get this twisted up? Of course I know why, but it can still be a little shocking.

It's a good thing, though. It means my conscience toward this stuff is softening. And it also doesn't mean I'm anywhere near being out of the woods yet.

 

[Androg]

Sexual conditioning is far more powerful than our sexologists realize. We all need to choose carefully what we get aroused to, because it will shape our future tastes without our realizing it...and it's a struggle to undo.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 9

Word, Androg. I've started taking my post-workout showers at the gym (or foregoing them completely if it's late enough in the day) and that seems to be really helping. Only problem now is still the persistent old nettle of fantasies at bedtime. Luckily even these seem to be loosening their grip for a time in terms of severity, if not regularity. Basically I'm not as tempted by them as I was, say, a week ago. But they're still very much there.