Lazarus

FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 10

I may have spoken a little too soon; last night's succubus was a bit much. But it didn't last too long, thankfully. I have high hopes, I really think I can go far this time.

Not that I expect it to come to much, but there's also this foreign girl I've been chatting with over messages. She's sweet. It's been helpful.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 12

Alright. Few things. Last night, I'm pretty sure I didn't M at all. Didn't fantasize that much either. So that's nice.

However, I'm pretty sure I very nearly had a wet dream. To make a long story short, I had a dream about nearly having an orgy and then walking away feeling guilty. Didn't O. Not that I would consider it a relapse if I did, but the reappearance of these dreams does imply that the reboot is running its course.

Also, I've kept talking with that foreign girl. Like I said, just having that connection has been a little helpful.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 13

Things seem to be getting better incrementally now. The night fantasies aren't nearly as bad. No wet dream last night either. I'm still talking to that girl. I've still got anchors to hold me to what's right and good. God willing, I will make it through all this.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 14

Alright... this is going to be a painful one to type. I did something that I'm deeply, achingly ashamed of. I've got a very strong urge to bury it, but only by exposing these things to light can accountability be taken, and healing attained. So... forgive me, please.

On my nights off, when I go to the gym, I've been using the gym showers to wash off so I can avoid M'ing in my personal shower later. That was working well until tonight. In particular, and this is going to be a bit graphic, I'm trying to avoid a habitual practice where I take a detachable shower head and focus it on certain parts of my anatomy to achieve stimulation, which seems equitable enough to masturbation. However, they have one of these at the gym as well and after my work-out, I ended up... you can probably guess. For clarity, this was not in front of other gym-goers, the showers are all cordoned off and partitioned, but still.

I can't shake off the disgust I feel at the pit of my stomach for my actions. I knew it was a bad idea, and I still did it. I'm only limited in my acrimony for my own bad decision by the fact that I did eventually come to my good senses and leave before O'ing. The shame clings to my bones like rot.

But... tomorrow will be a new day. I have that to look forward to, at least. I can come back from this, because my Father's mercies are renewed every single day. This is not the end.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 16

Sorry for not posting yesterday. Got tired and didn't have a lot of time. But I didn't O.

I have not made today the best day for my reboot. It was going alright up until after I went to the gym. I intended to shower at the gym again and use one of the stalls without the detachable, but I realized only after I got there that I left my change of clothes at home. So I did my thing and went home, and tried to wait it out. I didn't last. M'd in the shower. Didn't O. But the brainfog since then has been pretty intense.

That foreign girl? The one I've been talking to? I've started using her picture to calm myself down. Motivate myself to push through the struggle. I don't know if anything more than friendship is necessarily going to come out of it, though I wouldn't mind if it did. Even just the vague hope is helpful, though.

I can't give in.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 17

Today was... better. A lot better, actually. For one, it looks like I might start getting out of work on time for a while, so that's a stressor reduced, albeit it also means less overtime pay.

But the big news is this. I decided to call that girl and read today's portion of scripture with her. It was really nice. Girl's sharp, and inspiringly God-fearing.

Guess the lowlight of today was my trip to the gym. Arrived later than I wanted to, and wasn't able to make it through my full workout. I tried doing a full hour on the elliptical, but gassed out about halfway through. Admittedly, I'm used to doing aerobic exercise like that on nights when I'm not working; doing it after a shift probably meant I was at least a little more drained than I realized. Or maybe I'm a big sissy. /shrug
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 18

Been getting outta work on time for the past few days. It's been refreshing, I admit. Didn't get a chance to read scripture with my friend again. 's a bummer. I did, however, manage to do my full set of exercises, including cardio, today. It was only 30 minutes for cardio this time, but I seriously felt like quitting the entire time. Still didn't.

Also, just sort of noticing how as I near week 3, it's a lot easier for me to get erect. In any other context than a reboot journal I wouldn't blurt that out, but it's pertinent insofar as my anatomy might be starting to stabilize around where an at least somewhat-healthy 25-year-old oughta be.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 25

Sorry I ain't been posting regularly. Just been finding things to do with the time. I'm still hitting the gym pretty regularly, and I've kept talking with that foreign girl. I'm struggling a bit less with M in the shower, thankfully. The one most persistent adversary I've had in this fight is my tendency to slip into fantasy as I'm going to bed. In that moment when I let go, it gets so easy to just drift mentally, and so much of the water I drift on is tainted by years of shameless self-desecration... to put it poetically. Basically it's real hard to not think of tits when my brain starts going to sleep.

But I've gotten a helluva lot farther than I anticipated, and not on my own. I've had help from Jesus, from friends, from family, and I intend to keep going. Freedom isn't here yet, but it's coming.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 26

Been a rough one for me so far. I edged in the shower, I've been hand-jiving in bed, and I feel just downright awful. I know a new day with new opportunities to fight and win is right around the corner, but I feel myself slipping hard. Still, it could be worse. That girl texted me. Interrupted what I was doing. Way I reckon, it's Providence giving me a lifeline. So... we're talking right now. It's helping me to work my way down out of the tree. I think I can still make it to the end here if I just cling to what I know is right.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 3

I know, disappointing, right? Well... not like a screw-up negates the month of W's. The real battle is still within.

To start with, I relapsed the same day I made my last post. About a week later I relapsed twice. All MO's without P. Made me realize that I'd been flirting with the beast, making compromises. It also made me take another hard look at where these desires and imaginings are really coming from.

Ergo, I've been praying that the Lord would help me to see the improper use of His gift of sexuality with the same righteous fury He sees it with. I've also been reminded that for me, it's not just a libido issue: it's a pride issue as well. I escape into fantasies of being wanted by women to cope with old, festering feelings of rejection. I've asked for His healing in that matter too.

I'm sorry that I went silent for a week and only came back with bad news. But the battle's a lifelong one.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 2

A little disappointed, but I did have another relapse. This time, I can point to one thing that really did put me over the barrel: in preparation for a workout, I drank an energy drink a little too close to bed time. Since being in bed is sort of a locational trigger for my urges, being unable to get to sleep really eroded my strength. Obviously, this means no more energy drinks/caffeine that close to when I sleep. I wouldn't do that normally either, but I figured a good workout would get enough of it out of my system.

I think I've also been underestimating the worth of doing things to take my headspace elsewhere. Maybe listening to comedy or jamming to heavy metal would help when the pressure's on. Worth considering.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
If you're nearing bedtime, maybe something more soothing than heavy metal would be in order. :cool:
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 3

I won't lie, lads. I really struggled yesterday while I was trying to go to sleep. Invasive thoughts kept pecking at me. I went into a loop of edging, stopping, trying to calm down and go to sleep, again and again. Eventually, thankfully, I just passed out. It's a good thing this was all before my night off; I had to take a serious power-nap a little while after getting up today.

But oddly enough, today's been alright. I've actually gotten a few things done that needed doing, things I'd been procrastinating on. Laundry, bedsheets, oil change. Even made a little bit of progress in a book after a long pause. A kind old man complimented my cardio results at the gym today. And while I'm still not able to do a full pull-up without any assistance, I can tell that I'm a fair bit closer.

While I don't intend to compromise my end goal of casting out this demon once and for all, maybe it'd help to not see this walk in black-and-white terms. I serious struggle with serious consequences can coexist with deeper joy. I've been panicking; it's time to regain my composure without slackening my grip.
 
FiveFortyFour

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 4

I'm still struggling. But then, I guess it never really gets easy. Not as long as my anatomy's still working the way it should. I can at least say today wasn't a waste. I went to the gym, got some good leg workouts in, read my Bible. The low-light of it all is that, while I was driving home from the gym, I knew that I was going to be really tempted to do the shower thing. I didn't for a while, but then I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and suddenly got the itch real bad. I didn't relapse, but I did tamper with it. I'm still really ashamed of it.
 
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