Got through yesterday, despite everything. Dunno if today's necessarily been easier, but I don't feel quite as tempted today as the other days. That could change at a moment's notice, though. Can't get too complacent.
It's normal to want to feel better when you feel off, but one of the key lessons of recovery is that short-term distraction has long-term costs that make it not worthwhile. But I'm sure you already know this.
Make a list of things you can do to feel better when "poor me" thoughts arise.
I chose poorly again. MO'd after getting home from the gym. Then PMO'd later on. Plunged into scripture after that. It made me want to cry, but I it also healed the short term wounds and put me back in the mind of the fight. This ain't over yet.
Perhaps you should set a goal for only one week without porn? Think of this as a smaller goal to accomplish and NOT no porn for the rest of your life. Obviously a lifetime is what we all want, however, it's real hard to get that into our system, or more importantly, to even believe we can, when we've done this for so long. It's a mental trick but it does work for some.
When a war breaks out, it's too much to think of winning the entire war at the moment (that is, for a lifetime) no, a general has to think battle by battle (week by week) to accomplish the end goal of final victory (that is, a lifetime of no porn).
Went to the gym again today. I'm finally starting to see a change in the overall frame of my body. Saw myself in perfect profile in-between sets, realized that my current resting posture makes my gut and my chest even in protrusion. Still a long bloody way to go, but there's movement in the right direction.
Dealing with this PMO habit has, however, been slightly less satisfactory. I can tell that my mind's starting to give. Dirty thoughts have been getting more prevalent, and I've been letting them linger too much. But this is still a salvageable situation.
Doin' a bit better today, for sure. Feeling a little stronger. Which is why I feel both the need and the resolve to confess something.
I've got a vacation coming up, and I intended to use tomorrow to PMO furiously and "get it all out of my system." I thank God that He convicted me of how mountain-movingly imbecilic this idea was, and for giving me the strength to decide otherwise. And in all reality, it makes sense. Even if just going nuts for a day bought me a week of calm, at the end of that week I'd be even hungrier for more degeneracy. The only way to build momentum is to fight back and win.
Damn it. I'm so mad at myself right now. I knew this was coming, I thought I was evading it, and I still chose evil. I know I can't just pack it in and give up, but I feel so damned helpless. So pathetic.
I tried. Even when I was phasing in and out of the decision to relapse, I tried to push myself back from the edge. I looked at this thread. I tried to stall it. I just didn't muster the will to fight back.
I know that it's still not the worst thing to say that I made it nearly a week without. I know that's a startling improvement from where I began in this journey to recovery.
I'm going to take on an accountability partner. Someone else fighting this wickedness, preferably who has similar hours to me. I had one for a while, then he vanished. I still worry about that guy.
And on the bright side, I do have vacation coming up. That means a switch back over to daylight schedule. More time to spend with family and friends. This habit thrives in isolation and gets burnt up in the midst of fellowship. Maybe things are headed for a positive turn.