Lazarus

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 4, Evening

Tried to wake up early for meet-up with friends, but about 15 minutes after waking up, I figured it better to get my full 8 hours since I slept so little the day before.

Still a decent start to the day, by my metrics. No PMO at all yesterday. Some dirty thoughts before bed, but they seemed more "in-control" this time. Maybe it was the shotgun method, or maybe it was good-ol' plain exhaustion. Either way, I'm feeling pretty good about it right now. Looking forward to having an awesome night tonight!

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 0, Morning (Relapse)

FML.

I went down the slippery slope again. I KNEW the music video was going to lead to worse stuff but I just didn't stop myself. An entire morning wasted, and I know this is gonna throw my mood out of wack tomorrow. It was shaping up to be a nice week-end. This blows, man.

Edit: On the bright side, I made it a day further than my last streak. I'll take that silver lining right now.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 1, Evening

I didn't really sleep well today. I woke up in an awful mood. Then I took a low-temperature shower and prayed, and it swung my mood around a lot. I'm going to do my best to defy my own expectations from earlier and make today a good day.

Back in the game. Hoowah.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 1, Morning

Urges at a minimum today. I don't expect that to last, but I ain't afraid. Seeing my counselor today; going to tell them about my experience with all this so far. I think it's been a helpful tool.

Did a buttload of writing today. It's actually really nice, I'll write a bit of my synopsis for a story, hit a point where I ask "what's the next progression of all this?" and go out for a long walk while I ponder that. It's fun

Despite that day counter, today was a good day.

 

[Arthacos]

Your current average is 3 days sober for one day of relapse bro. Imagine this on a Day Trading or a cassino basis. As AL Brooks said, one just need 60% of gain to 40% of loss to get very rich in the long run and you have 75%! I'd like to compare porn addiction with gambling addiction. I'm very conservative, so I also see speculation (in any timeframe) as a kind of gambling (not so different than beating on horses, wrestlers and cockfights). It's not that way so bad, there are some tricks to increase your gains, but it still a gamble and humans do not have any control over the future. I'd really recommend you to read The Zurich Axioms by Max Gunther. Gambling has the same effects on the brain as porn. I know this both from theory and practice, one need a very strict set of rules in order to survive. In the short time and space I have to write here, my advice is to fight against greed. Porn addiction is the most greed thing I've ever seen. Both from a moral and technical perspective, we're gonna be judged for greed.

• Axiom #2 on Greed: “Always take your profit too soon.”
• Greed means always wanting more reward than should be expected.
• “If you can conquer greed, that one act of self-control will make you a better speculator than 99 percent of other men and women who are scrambling after wealth.”
• In other words, less greed = better chance at wealth.
• “If they wanted less, they’d go home with more.” — Sherlock Feldman, Dunes casino manager on the power of greed.
• Don’t press your luck: “In the course of gambling or speculative play, you will from time to time enjoy streaks and runs of luck. You will enjoy them so much that you will want to ride them forever and ever. Undoubtedly you will have the good sense to recognize that they cannot last forever, but if greed has you in its grip, you will talk yourself into hoping or believing that they will at least last a long time…and then a bit longer…and then just a little longer. And so you will ride and ride, and in the end, you and your money will go over the falls.”
• Since most lucky streaks are a possible but rare series of events, go in assuming any lucky streak will be short and not very profitable. In other words, when the odds are against you, walking away is the best decision, even in the unlikely event the streak continues.
• “Always bet on the short and modest. Don’t let greed get you. When you have a good profit, cash out and walk away.”
• “That which hurts, teaches.”
• Fear of regret will be the biggest thing working against you in following Axiom #2.
• Minor Axiom #3: ” Decide in advance what gain you want from a venture, and when you get it, get out.”
• Helps give a specific answer to the all-important question “What is enough?” or When to sell?

- The Zurich Axioms by Max Gunther. Summary by Novel Investor.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 2, Evening

Good day so far. Slept pretty well, ~7 hours. Had a big chat with my counselor yesterday and my experiences with this forum came up. She actually had some really helpful advice. For starters, she told me that most intense urges have a lifespan of about an hour, give-or-take, and advised me to brainstorm things I can do to occupy my mind while I wait for the temptation to pass. She even said to have different lists for different times of the day since my urges come on strongest at around bedtime.

She also advised me to keep a "vent journal" where, among other things, I write down what I'm thinking and feeling during intense cravings. She said it would help get those emotions out of me and allow me to review them later once the moment has passed.

I'm going to start doing both of these. With any luck, these will be another big push towards consistent sobriety. Hopes and prayers, gentlemen.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 2, Morning

Been trying to keep busy all day. Started off with some writing, then did a bunch of cooking for the week. Right now I'm transferring a story I hand-wrote over to a digital copy. Going-going-going.

Did some M earlier, up to the point of precum. Thankfully some footsteps from outside the room brought me to my senses. That's why I'm just typing away right now. Other than that, uneventful day. Not gonna lose this momentum if I can help it, and I can.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 3, Morning

Urges are a little more than normal. Woke up wanting M. Luckily my counselor's advice came in handy: I put up some lists next to my bedside of things to do when the cravings come on. Read a little bit, watched a little youtube, got in control of my breathing and made it out alright.

So far, so good.

 

[ActivistNotWacktivist]

Was really depressed today. Or rather, I found it really easy to think depressing thoughts about what my friends thought of me, or think up negative scenarios and "live them out" until they hit me emotionally as if they had happened.

I've had similar problems with focusing too much on hypothetical scenarios too (both good and bad ones), as well as having paranoia regarding the opinions that other people have of me. You being aware of those things and making an active effort to snap out of them is a good sign

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 4, Evening

Feeling weird. Picked gaming back up after a long break today. Got back into touch with some old friends. It feels like they barely missed me and I got all self-conscious and offended. Ended up M-ing quite a bit. No P or O. Also picked up writing in a vent journal for when I get strong cravings or just volatile emotions.

I realized that when I M, it's more because I feel angry or afraid or alone than anything else.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 4, Morning

Had a good chat with a friend at work, feeling a helluva lot better now. Been keeping my vent journal going. I hope I don't jinx myself with this post, but I feel like I'm about to make it even farther than I did before. Hopefully farther still.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 5, Evening(!)

No PMO yesterday! Still getting raunchy thoughts at bedtime and in the morning, but still, progress!

 

[Phineas 808]

I realized that when I M, it's more because I feel angry or afraid or alone than anything else.

This is something I tell myself, which is hard to admit- but M and edging are for me like a 'grown-up' way to suck one's thumb, or hold a security blanket... Not very flattering is it? Lol..., but it helps me to realize that my obsessions come from a more deeper place- where, as you know, prayer really helps.

The journaling and breathing are really helpful as well!

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 1, Evening (Relapse)

Ended up busting one yesterday (earlier today before I slept anyway.) Long day at work, compounded by a lot of really negative thoughts throughout the day. Went to Easter service. It took a lot of the pain away. I can't lie and say that I'm not deeply ashamed to then come home and charge headlong into sin, but I know from my Lord's promise and from the progress that's already been made that this is not the time to give up.

It's in another thread, but I saw something from @Arthacos about how desire in excess can drive away that which we pursue, and I think it's something I want to try and incorporate. Not just into this whole battle with PMO but with the thing that's been driving me to so much negativity lately (desire of approval and admiration from my friends/acquaintences).

I didn't hear no bell.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 1, Morning

Had a very productive conversation with my counselor today. Not so much about PMO though as about personal issues that, thankfully, I sort of got in control and headed in a more positive direction before I called her. Still, good day so far. About to go to bed. Deep breaths, self-control and the knowledge that nothing my mind comes up with can force me to do anything. Praise Jesus.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 2, Evening

Definitely feeling a lot better mentally. Went the whole of yesterday without any PMO, not even at bedtime. Granted, I was also exhausted from a long day of heavy lifting at work, but I'll take my W.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 0, Morning (Relapse)

I tripped and fell hard.

Tuesday morning, I had a really long shift at work so I grabbed some fast food on the way home. I'm now certain that it helps make my body stay up when I'm trying to go to sleep. Then after about 3 hours of trying and failing to sleep, and staving off spurts of M along the way, I gave in and watched some P. Then the evening after that (this past evening) I had several sessions of PMO. I'd probably be doing it again right now if I hadn't stopped for one minute and remembered: if I don't feed the temptation, on average, it's got about an hour lifespan. I'm still trying, but God do I feel like I failed today.

 

[ActivistNotWacktivist]

Avoiding fast food is a good principle to have in general, and it sounds like you have a bonus incentive to do so.

I'd recommend trying to tire yourself out with a decent activity, in order to get yourself closer to sleep and distract yourself from those sexual thoughts.

Thank you for coming to your senses and for being honest. Here's to less failures and more victories in your future

 

[W4tchmak3r]

Hey man, which demonination of Christianity are you part of that believes MO is a sin? Just wondering cuz I grew up Baptist and never head much of that.

Aside from turbulence in life, glad to hear you're spending some time to reflect on the events leading up to relapse. Even though its great to understand why you get stressed/depressed, I think its important to know you're always gonna end up in states like that every now and then. I normally meditate or go for walks when that stuff happens to me. Just lets my head decoil itself and takes me away from my phone too.

Also, currently it sounds like you're really fighting a battle against your natural sex drive. Considering you don't wanna MO, maybe you could take some of that energy and drive towards the dating scene? That's what its there for after all maybe persuing real women more will remind you what really matters sexually and spiritually here ) and yeah I agree with ANW^ exercise is fantastic for you and often we just wanna be sexual because we have too much energy!

Hope your week is nice dude!

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 1, Evening

Took a break from these forums after my second-to-last relapse. Made it 4 days, nearly. First two days I had occasional twitches of craving but nothing major. Third day things started to come back, and by the fourth day, I was struggling. Going to start making to-do lists for the day, see if some structure will help to sort me out. It was another hot shower that took me out this time.

Gonna keep trying, no matter what.