Lazarus

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 11

Confession time. I've been slipping. The past two days, when I went to bed, I've been letting dirty thoughts enter my head. I haven't O'd yet from it, but I've been humoring the thoughts and masturbating. I've been through this process too many times to not know that this is the crack in the foundation that makes the whole building crumble. I need to stop.

I've been trying to keep a regular sleep schedule, I've been reading before bed, I'm actually tired when I sleep. It's just this little naggling issue that seems tiny but is entirely lethal. I'm thinking about building a new habit of prayer for sound and pure sleep before bed. Strength to keep my thoughts on heavenly things and not lapse into lechery. It's all I can think of for right now.

I gotta remember by who's strength I'm doing this. I know victory is closer now than it's been in a long time.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 12

Praying about it worked. I was able to get to sleep more soundly yesterday, glory to God. Had another long day at work, kinda pigged out when I got home. Gonna go for another walk before the day's out.

Not really sure what to make of how I felt today. The way I was feeling, it was like I had never started a reboot. All the angry, bitter, petty thoughts that started to fade when I began this particular streak came back. Towards the end of the day, though, I really thought on it, and realized that I was just responding wrongly to legitimate wants, and that God's love really is sufficient to cover the difference this side of the Jordan.

It's in what is to come that I set my hopes. 12 days is more than double what I usually make on a streak. Anxiety aside, I'm encouraged.
 

arandomguy

Member
Day 12

Praying about it worked. I was able to get to sleep more soundly yesterday, glory to God. Had another long day at work, kinda pigged out when I got home. Gonna go for another walk before the day's out.

Not really sure what to make of how I felt today. The way I was feeling, it was like I had never started a reboot. All the angry, bitter, petty thoughts that started to fade when I began this particular streak came back. Towards the end of the day, though, I really thought on it, and realized that I was just responding wrongly to legitimate wants, and that God's love really is sufficient to cover the difference this side of the Jordan.

It's in what is to come that I set my hopes. 12 days is more than double what I usually make on a streak. Anxiety aside, I'm encouraged.
Be encouraged. Keep killing it.
My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 13

Almost at two full weeks. I wish I was in better spirits for it; I feel like I'm on the knife's edge of a relapse. Every little thing makes me heave with hunger for release. My brain is begging me for a motherlode of dopamine. But, grace of God, I have to press on. If I can just hold out until church time, then I might make it. that's about 45 minutes. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS!
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Relapse Report

How:
On 07/31 I relapsed at about 12:30-1:00 PM. Struggled with sexual thoughts in bed; got hard. Touched self briefly. Ejaculated prematurely. The following day after waking up, M'd in the shower. Later M'd in bed while trying to nap. Tried to M again but stopped by guilt.

Why:
Recent emotional stress from FOMO and singleness. Did not expect premature ejaculation. Leading up to relapse, found several provocative/pornographic images through aimless browsing of various image hubs (Steam community pages, google images, movie ads, youtube thumbnails.) Pornography was not used in any of the M's.

How do I feel?:
For the bulk of today, I felt distraught. I just narrowly missed the milestone of two weeks without PMO. I felt ashamed that I kept going back to it, each time praying for forgiveness. After taking Gigi out for a walk by the bayou, my mood improved. I don't feel proud for making it nearly two weeks, however I can objectively regard it as a marked improvement. Should maintain habits/patterns that helped hold back PMO use.

What to do differently:
  • No more browsing. If I go onto any site where even the potential for stumbling onto provocative/triggering material exists, I will stop myself and decide if I need to go there, what I am looking for, and then go to it without any side-glancing.
  • Cut out looking at community pages for steam games. Useless information intermingled with softcore imagery.
  • Replace secular podcasts/audio with audio Bibles and Christian music while using headphones.

What to keep doing:
  • Daily Bible reading and prayer before bed.
  • Daily journaling on Reboot Nation and checking in with my counseling logs.
  • Keep taking Gigi out for walks.
  • Keep in contact with various accountability partners both on and off Reboot Nation.
 
Relapse Report

How:
On 07/31 I relapsed at about 12:30-1:00 PM. Struggled with sexual thoughts in bed; got hard. Touched self briefly. Ejaculated prematurely. The following day after waking up, M'd in the shower. Later M'd in bed while trying to nap. Tried to M again but stopped by guilt.

Why:
Recent emotional stress from FOMO and singleness. Did not expect premature ejaculation. Leading up to relapse, found several provocative/pornographic images through aimless browsing of various image hubs (Steam community pages, google images, movie ads, youtube thumbnails.) Pornography was not used in any of the M's.

How do I feel?:
For the bulk of today, I felt distraught. I just narrowly missed the milestone of two weeks without PMO. I felt ashamed that I kept going back to it, each time praying for forgiveness. After taking Gigi out for a walk by the bayou, my mood improved. I don't feel proud for making it nearly two weeks, however I can objectively regard it as a marked improvement. Should maintain habits/patterns that helped hold back PMO use.

What to do differently:
  • No more browsing. If I go onto any site where even the potential for stumbling onto provocative/triggering material exists, I will stop myself and decide if I need to go there, what I am looking for, and then go to it without any side-glancing.
  • Cut out looking at community pages for steam games. Useless information intermingled with softcore imagery.
  • Replace secular podcasts/audio with audio Bibles and Christian music while using headphones.

What to keep doing:
  • Daily Bible reading and prayer before bed.
  • Daily journaling on Reboot Nation and checking in with my counseling logs.
  • Keep taking Gigi out for walks.
  • Keep in contact with various accountability partners both on and off Reboot Nation.
•To stop aimless browsing try Screen limit feature.
•Use app lock
• Immediately text your partner if you feel like M-ing.
• Identify more and more triggers and cues.
 
Have tremendous desire to achieve success. The striving person says, "I will drink the sea, the mountains will be broken into pieces by my will." Have this kind of strength and desire, work hard, you will find success.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 1

Very nearly didn't attend small group today; glad I did though. Some good food and company and group prayer really sorted me out and got me in the right mindset to start again. I'm feeling optimistic about this go-around.

Been quick to catch myself when I'm wandering the web so far. No accidentally seeing things.

Long day at work though. Tired. Think I'll sleep well today.
 
Day 1

Very nearly didn't attend small group today; glad I did though. Some good food and company and group prayer really sorted me out and got me in the right mindset to start again. I'm feeling optimistic about this go-around.

Been quick to catch myself when I'm wandering the web so far. No accidentally seeing things.

Long day at work though. Tired. Think I'll sleep well today.
Keep it up bro.👍
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 2

Conversation with my counselor was productive. Talked a lot about self-image, non-verbal communication especially through the eyes and taking on an inward-focused improvement mindset. I'm also going to start setting aside a little time each day to reflect on the positive relationships in my life, which should brighten my general mood.

No P or M today. Still, generally unproductive. Tried doing some reading; got tired kinda quickly. Also did some light weight-lifting to lift my spirits.

Gotta keep my eyes on the future.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 3

Reeaaally long shift today. I am cooked. Still, been ticking little things off the to-do list. Even got a little writing done after what feels like months of procrastination.

Starting to notice myself staring more at women. Them hips do thangs, man. Double-edged sword, really. I'm glad that I'm building back my attraction to real women, but I don't want to backslide into being a perv. Anyway, don't really have a strong urge to PMO now that I'm home, though I could tell my brain was jonesing for the dopamine at work today.

Looks like that relapse might not have cost me all my progress. I can hope, anyway. Let's rock.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 4

Another day of realizing that my libido is starting to come back to reality. I don't think the journey is nearly over yet, but I am encouraged that porn is starting to lose its luster. I've started regularly doing small workouts after work. The endorphins from that are probably also helping.

Sorta lining up with my usual "Day 4" experience from prior reboots, the negative attitude that I keep around like a bad habit is starting to recede. I know it comes back again later with a vengeance, but, Lord as my strength, I will not tremble or doubt.

I am ready.
 

arandomguy

Member
Day 4

Another day of realizing that my libido is starting to come back to reality. I don't think the journey is nearly over yet, but I am encouraged that porn is starting to lose its luster. I've started regularly doing small workouts after work. The endorphins from that are probably also helping.

Sorta lining up with my usual "Day 4" experience from prior reboots, the negative attitude that I keep around like a bad habit is starting to recede. I know it comes back again later with a vengeance, but, Lord as my strength, I will not tremble or doubt.

I am ready.
Keep going man. We're winning this!
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 5

Relatively easy workday today; got out pretty much on time. Low maintenance kind of day; think I'll shoot for getting my full eight hours of sleep today.

In regards to urges, I felt my mind tugging toward... well, tugging, while I was at work. Little mental whispers of keywords to throw in a search bar later, promises of pleasure that I know are empty, same old stuff, different day. By the time I was off the clock my urges were well in hand.

I regret to confess, however, that last night I did trip up and do some M in bed. I stopped before going to sleep, thankfully, but I will address this chink in my armor with prayer and preparation. It's worked before; I trust it to work again.

By the guidance of the Spirit of Truth, I will outdo my last streak.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 6

Just got back from church. One thing I noticed is that I was actually enjoying socializing after the service. Felt like I was able to carry a conversation somewhat smoothly, which is unusual for me. Definitely a W.

Urges have been strong today. It's taking all I have to not jump in front of the metaphorical bus and start going places that I know are going to trigger me. But fortunately, all I have is God, which is an abundance. Also notice that I've been getting tired lately, though it may be due to a recently adjusted sleep schedule. I'll figure it out.

It's not easy to confess this, especially after my previous post, but I did it again. While I was laying down, I could feel myself getting hard. I pressed down on "it" through the sheets and that alone was enough stimulation to nearly make the bomb go off. I had to lay perfectly still for like 2 minutes straight to keep from O-ing. I'm ashamed of myself, of course, but still thankful that I didn't completely lose control. I'm not giving up on prayer, but maybe a little more focus is needed.

Either way, I will overcome by the grace of Him who has made me more than a conqueror.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 7

Hoo, boy. I really didn't think I'd be writing that in my journal today. I felt like I was going to relapse today for certain, but my reliance on God was met with faithfulness from above. Every time I thought I was going to slip, I was talked down from the edge. I'm still trying to root out any and all traces of M, even just the little 2-second-long moments of weakness, but today was a win. No doubts about it.

Reaching out to my support network played a massive role in keeping me off the smut. Family, friends, accountability partners and all. I'm glad that I've been given so many pillars to lean on in this trial, the greatest of which is hope and faith in Jesus.

Another week cleared. Time to march on.
 
Top