Lazarus

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 8

A much easier day today, praise the Lord. The flames that burned in me yesterday were quenched. I haven't had nearly as much trouble maneuvering out of sexual thoughts.

Long shift at work, though. Plus an early wake-up for small group. Still, despite my fatigue, I feel oddly vigorous. It feels great.

I'm gonna savor this energy, then press on. The best is yet to come!
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 9

'nother day down. Been working on myself a little bit more as of late. Made some beans and rice. None of the store-bought crap, home-made with sriracha and avocado. Exercised. Think I might buy some bigger weights soon.

I don't just feel energized, I feel confident. I'm not being pushed into these changes by some outside force, or by envy of anyone else, but just by an internal hunger for what I want. I sort of reasoned that out with my counselor today. I don't thrive in comparison or wanting to be like anyone else. I don't shun the concept of competition, but making everything about pride, honor and rank does more to discourage me than edify me.

Which is why I've been turning off from Twitter and internet "alpha male" BS. Both have put me in the kind of emotional state to relapse. Maybe that makes me a beta male, but I'll be whatever letter of the Greek alphabet if I can also be free.

Slowly but surely working the self-touching out of my bedtime routine, not that I ever added it intentionally. Lord watch over us.
 
Way to go! Competing against oneself is a great way to go - reading your post motivated me!

Everyone is different for me I had issues with touching before bed or even feeling like I woke up touching myself. Silly as it may sound, I simply wear underwear and a t-shirt and tape the t-shirt to the underwear with paper/medical tape - it tears easily and takes me maybe 10 seconds to do it. It's not some unbreakable seal - but it's just enough that it makes touching myself without a conscious awareness, impossible.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 10

Had a weird time going to bed yesterday. Didn't use any P, didn't M, but the thoughts I was having were vivid enough to nearly get me to O. Not to beat a resurrected horse, but I've noticed that when these thoughts become too much to handle, putting my mind on the cross is just the tonic. Will apply as I go on.

Otherwise, had a good day today. Worked hard, got praised for my diligence, and then got to play video games with my best friend after work. Had some sharp fatigue towards the middle of the day, but my gut tells me that had more to do with getting a slice of pizza along with my regular lunch. Taking a nice long walk in the heat while I write this.

Anyway, back into double digits again. I ain't far from beating my previous streak. Onward!
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 11

Good day today. Kept to my meal plan; no pizza slices on the side. Boss did buy me a big coffee though; had a big boost of energy at day's end. Feeling good right now.

I'd be lying if I said I had no more dirty thoughts last night, but imagining the barren cross and the empty tomb gave less room for pervy fantasies to break in. Definitely an improvement.

I do hope all the religion talk isn't turning off non-Christians who read these journals, but I can't deny the pillar I lean on.

Keepin' on keepin' on.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 12

Getting near the point in the streak where I relapsed last time. Meaning, glory to Christ, I'm about to start my new record for the year. Got outta work on time today, or close to it, and did a bit of shopping at that. Found me a new favorite snack to help phase out all the chips: pickled peppers!

Haven't been M-ing in bed of late, though I still get the thoughts. If it's any sign of progress, the fantasies are getting a bit more down to earth, less far-fetched or unreasonable. Not like that's my stopping point, but I'll take every W I can.

I hate to say it, though, but I messed up. I did end up scrolling through one of those steam community pages for an old RPG and saw a polygonal nude. I closed out immediately. Not sure if that counts as a P relapse, but I'm still putting "Day 12" at the top.

Time to break some new ground.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 14

Gonna be a bit of a tonal shift from yesterday. The Lord is still perfect, but I stumbled. Around the late-middle part of my day, I started having some pretty intense sexual thoughts. I didn't M at any point, but I did undress while I fantasized. Eventually I moved on to watching raunchy music videos on my TV, although those left me flaccid as wet spaghetti. I could tell my brain was pushing me towards more hardcore content, but then I felt a call in my bones, conviction of the Holy Spirit, to turn from my course. I threw my clothes back on, knelt at my bedside, and prayed fervently until peace rang in my soul.

Immediately after that I started reading a book to busy my mind. Thoughts were still persistent while I read, but I reached out to my accountability partner, did some light exercise, spoke to my family and eventually found my center again. After that I went and ran some errands, showered up and... well, here I am.

While I won't oversell the content I viewed, I realize that this has been a setback in weening my brain off of the dopamine from suggestive imagery. I'm not calling it a full-on relapse, but this was not preferable or planned. Still, by the grace of God, I move on.

Week 3 begins tomorrow. Road hasn't been without its bumps and tilts, but the road lies in front of me still.
 
Nice to hear about your great day prior to this one - but that being said well done pushing through and pulling your self out of a bump and aiming to be on the right path. The persistence and correcting bit by bit is key in my opinion - keep it up!
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 15

Guess I really did outdo my last streak. Hats off to the Spirit. I'm starting to notice how doing this has started to greatly compliment other efforts of self-improvement. I just ate a salad instead of fast food after an 11 hour shift; I usually crash into binge eating after working that long.

Didn't sleep well yesterday, but also didn't M in bed. No P since those music videos.

The ride is still real.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 16

Not much to report on today, no PMO, urges came up a few times but were contained, thank God. So instead I'd like to state some gratitude for recent changes to keep positive.

For starters, I'm not pissing away all my free time on MMOs anymore. 'bout 4 months ago I was spending every second I reasonably could in a pointless virtual world; now I have limits on how much I game even on weekends. Weekdays I barely play, if at all.

I've also spent considerably more time cooking and reading, I've almost made Bible-reading a daily practice (though still not without hiccups, sadly), I'm working out with weights 4 or 5 times a week and walking every day, my boss is seeing better and more reliable output from me, I fit into jeans I used to barely be able to wear, and I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. For all of it, I praise God for patient guidance and powerful edification.

Still a helluva way to go, but I'm feeling a Godly confidence about this journey, and I wish all the same for whoever reads this. Onwards!
 
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arandomguy

Member
Day 16

Not much to report on today, no PMO, urges came up a few times but were contained, thank God. So instead I'd like to state some gratitude for recent changes to keep positive.

For starters, I'm not pissing away all my free time on MMOs anymore. 'bout 4 months ago I was spending every second I reasonably could in a pointless virtual world; now I have limits on how much I game even on weekends. Weekdays I barely play, if at all.

I've also spent considerably more time cooking and reading, I've almost made Bible-reading a daily practice (though still not without hiccups, sadly), I'm working out with weights 4 or 5 times a week and walking every day, my boss is seeing better and more reliable output from me, I fit into jeans I used to barely be able to wear, and I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore. For all of it, I praise God for patient guidance and powerful edification.

Still a helluva way to go, but I'm feeling a Godly confidence about this journey, and I wish all the same for whoever reads this. Onwards!
Great going man. Keep at it and praise be to God for the journey so far.
 
Day 17

Posting from the break room after work. God, what a shift...

Really tempted right now to throw good sense away and binge. I'm also aware that, if I binge, that buckling mindset will make urges harder to resist.

But there is a path, and I've still got legs to walk it with. Let's go.
You can do it!
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 18

Update on the situation yesterday: don't worry, I got a salad instead. Also didn't PMO, funny enough.

Another shift lasting into the double-digit mark today. Work might get a little less killer once two of our members get back from vacation; until then it's hold-the-line mode. Been managing the stress through prayer, exercise and reading. And posting here. It's a nice stabilizer.

Still working on the whole "be nicer" thing I posted about before. It's as much a process as all of this, but I know I can rely on the good Lord to see me through it. Just like with this.

Already half-way to the month mark. Be a helluva thing to see when it happens, God willing.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 19

Been noticing it getting easier, little by little, an inch a day, to press back against sexual thoughts. They're still there, but looking away has been less challenging. Can't fall back into complacency though.

Spent some time after work today gaming with my brother. Feels nice to spend time with my family.

Urges are still strong, but God hasn't stopped being stronger. Looking forward to this thing reading 'Day 20'.
 
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