Lazarus

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 19

No P, M or O today. Actually a pretty low-stress day altogether. Got out of work more-or-less on time, got my workout in, hung out with family and got most of my to-do list knocked out. Day technically ain't over, but I'm feeling alright.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 20

Work and home were both a little high-strung today. Not an excuse for what I did; edged again. Thankfully I was able to snap out of it quickly, grace of God. No P or O otherwise.

Little surprised I made it this far again. I thought after last time, "That's it. I'm never making a whole month again." Not there yet, but I will pull through. Not by my strength, but by His.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 22

Still goin'. Trying my best. Thoughts have been getting pretty intense lately. I've been having to wrestle with the temptation to take a weekend day and just shamelessly relapse, throw away all constraint type of thing. Then my friend at small group said something really wise that put the chains back in place: "You can't resist Satan by Satan. He'll do his best to convince you you can, but you can't."

Really motivated me to keep this going. I can do this. I just need to lean on my rock, and all will turn out alright.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 23

Very nearly relapsed today. Really, I feel like I did relapse, but I reached a stopping point before O. Anyway, I caved in and looked at P again. M'd and edged for maybe an hour beforehand. Vere nearly O'd, but then I got some DMs from a friend who's also in this fight that pulled me back from the cliff. I feel so ashamed. I'm really tempted to set the day counter back to 0, but if I do that, it devalues the lifeline God threw me and could even sucker me into going back and doing it again tomorrow. I can hardly call today a resounding victory so much as an escape by the skin of my teeth, but I'm still in the fight.

Afterward, I installed a content blocker on my main PC and put on all the sites I used, plus some others that I know have lead me down rabbit holes in the past.
 
There's no shame in resetting your counter. Everyone's goal is different though. If your goal is to simply avoid O but to watch P and do M, then you don't have to reset your counter.

I personally could not watch P or do M on a daily or periodic basis without O. But again, everyone is different. I know PMO mode is very hard, which is why I can only do P mode right now. If you think you might want to do P mode for a bit until transitioning into harder modes, then there's no shame in that either.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Days free from...
P: 1
M: 1
O: 24

What I did yesterday definitely had some detrimental effects on my body today. I could barely leave bed when I woke up, and that was after a full eight hours of sleep. Still, I'm at least glad that not all my counters are back to 1. There was a very real urge yesterday to go back and "finish the job". I didn't do that. I will not do that.
 

arandomguy

Member
Days free from...
P: 1
M: 1
O: 24

What I did yesterday definitely had some detrimental effects on my body today. I could barely leave bed when I woke up, and that was after a full eight hours of sleep. Still, I'm at least glad that not all my counters are back to 1. There was a very real urge yesterday to go back and "finish the job". I didn't do that. I will not do that.
Hey Sam.. it's been quite the while. Glad you're still fighting. When we stop fighting, that's when we lose.
About effects on the body, I didn't realize how true that was until I was on this journey. The exhaustion and sloth that follows it is crazy bad.
And that just adds to the list of sins this leads to.
Fight on brother. Praying for you tonight.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Days free from...
P: 2
M: 2
O: 25

Feeling a lot better than I was yesterday. I'm still pretty unfocused, especially when I'm not at work, but at least I'm able to stand easily again. Keeping these three trackers is surprisingly good motivation to cut out dirty thoughts at the roots. No fantasies, no M, no call to P. Not that it's that simple or that easy, but it's something to work towards. Hope y'all are doing well.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Days free from...
P: 3
M: 3
O: 26

Not a bad day today. Hung out with my brother, did my work, did my exercises, got some vitamin D. Still kinda occupying a bad headspace, not sure how much it relates to PMO though. Short version, I'm emotionally exhausted because I keep running into this one thought that keeps coming up from the traditional circles I run with: You're single because you're not good enough. You don't have a good enough job or a good enough physique or big enough dreams. Hell, all that could be completely correct, but it's like... dude. I'm in pain. Saying and implying that all my problems stem from me being an unlovable screw-up isn't exactly the pep talk of the century. I need to listen to less political radio, man.

Anyway, all that's been tempting me to cave in and reach for the proverbial needle again. I'm not falling for it, but I wish things were just a little easier sometimes.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Days free from...
P: 3
M: 3
O: 26

Not a bad day today. Hung out with my brother, did my work, did my exercises, got some vitamin D. Still kinda occupying a bad headspace, not sure how much it relates to PMO though. Short version, I'm emotionally exhausted because I keep running into this one thought that keeps coming up from the traditional circles I run with: You're single because you're not good enough. You don't have a good enough job or a good enough physique or big enough dreams. Hell, all that could be completely correct, but it's like... dude. I'm in pain. Saying and implying that all my problems stem from me being an unlovable screw-up isn't exactly the pep talk of the century. I need to listen to less political radio, man.

Anyway, all that's been tempting me to cave in and reach for the proverbial needle again. I'm not falling for it, but I wish things were just a little easier sometimes.
I understand what you're going through, man. I also have the problem of no girl in my life and not good with girls in general. I think this is how my porn addiction also found a way to grow as my "sex life", you know? You do it because you want the sexual pleasure that you are not getting like "any other normal human being" and shit. Anyway, keep grinding, man.
 
Short version, I'm emotionally exhausted because I keep running into this one thought that keeps coming up from the traditional circles I run with: You're single because you're not good enough. You don't have a good enough job or a good enough physique or big enough dreams.
There are certain groups or societies that promote those ideas or thoughts. I avoid them. I avoid and downvote any Youtube video that devalues a man based on relationship status, even if it's a small joke. There is nothing proud about forcing a lesbian into a heterosexual relationship. There is nothing wise about having a girlfriend who has HIV. My dad had 3 wives and they robbed him of his money, houses, and kids. Every time he suggests a girlfriend for me, I remind him of what women had done to him.

Don't ever be ashamed of your relationship status. I've read of men with girlfriends who regretted it.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @FiveFortyFour, sorry to hear about people giving you shit for not having a girl. I know the pressure to have a girlfriend/wife can be huge, especially as you mentioned, in more traditional circles.​
You're single because you're not good enough. You don't have a good enough job or a good enough physique or big enough dreams.
However, this is the worse thought that can occupy your mind, even though it's understandable to have. Let's just say even IF it is true, or semi true, so much of it is within you control. What do you think you could do to fix some of that? Even one thing? Whatever that is, discover it, then work on it with you all your heart!

I find it funny that we still judge men and women on these old standards in our society even though 50% of marriages do not make the cut and end in divorce. Ironically, for us men, that percentage is even more alarming, since most divorces are initiated by women, somewhere between 70-90%! Let that sink in for a moment lol. Bottom line is, us dudes sign up for some insane shit just to have some companionship, constant sex and hopefully, a good place to raise kids. I'm not against marriage per se, but these days I would be extremely careful who you decide to do that with.

Just because you need sex and companionship, doesn't necessarily mean you need to walk down the aisle. However, if you are a more conservative type, I understand you might think the old way is the only way, which I can respect. However, just be real careful who you chose to walk down the aisle with, and whatever you do, don't just do it for sex or "she's the only girl who has ever liked me" excuse, because that is a bad frame to be in when entering marriage.

Stay strong man

Best
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Days free from...
P: 4
M: 4
O: 27

Let me start by saying thanks to everyone here for being so supportive when I opened up about some personal issues in my last post. After talking through the issue with a close friend and spiritual role model who similarly was single for a long time into adulthood, I came to realize that the heaviest pressure to marry was coming from my own self. I was whipping myself up into a state of desperation when I really need confidence instead. I need to cool down and remember that I have all I need in my Lord and Savior. That doesn't make my desire unnatural or bad, but I don't have to think of it like I lack something utterly crucial for happiness. To the contrary; a happy and blessed marriage is far likelier to follow a happy and blessed singleness. That joy is available and unrestricted; I need only remember it and seek it.

Now, all that said, here's todays log: Cravings were tolerable. I saw a few women at work today who triggered my old hungers, but I got my mind and eyes back under control. Got to spend some time with the family. Feeling great! 😁
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Days free from...
P: 5
M: 5
O: 28

Feeling a little less pressured lately. Got to read a whole bunch today. Still didn't take care of everything on the to-do list, but I can hang my hat on today and say it wasn't a waste. Urges have been steadily rising, but so far I haven't buckled. We'll just have to see if I can pass the week-mark without any PMO. I've gone a while without the O; I had a pretty dang long streak of no P before this recent incident; M and the fantasies that come with it are the things that have died the hardest. But die they will.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Days free from...
P: 6*
M: 6
O: 29

Debating on whether something I saw earlier today counts as a P relapse. I just went to check my email, but because I use Yahoo, I ended up on their homepage. Where they post tabloid articles. With pictures. And there was one of a lady in see-through clothing that clearly showed off her chest. I didn't stare at it, I just went straight to my inbox, and made sure to take the homepage off of my recommended sites. I think from now on I'll just skip straight to my inbox from the search bar.

This is ridiculous, though. What's the world coming to when you can't even check your email without nudity getting cannoned at you? I swear.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Days free from...
P: 1
M: 7
O: 30

Decided that, even if it was unintentional, what I saw did count as seeing nudity on the internet. I laid out what these three categories were in my head the other day.

P is anything that I see, incidentally or intentionally, that functions as triggering content. This could include actual nudity, or specific fetish material. This may seem like a strict rule, but the intent is to wash this stuff out as thoroughly as possible, which means being particular.

M is any usage of my hands or an instrument for self-pleasure. No get-arounds.

O is... well, O. Any time it's caused by intentional stimulation. This does not include nocturnal emissions. Basically, if this counter gets reset, another counter is being reset with it.

I'm going to give this my best shot, but the wonderful news is still that I don't need to rely solely on my own strength. I am at God's side in this effort. No wall can stand before such a siege.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Days free from...
P: 1
M: 10
O: 33

Good to be back again; busy schedule lately. So, bad news and good news. The bad news is that I've actually had to reset the P counter twice in my absence. Once, it was a "related video" on youtube that had a thumbnail far too raunchy to describe here. The other was a provocative drawing in an art forum I was frequenting. The good news is that I've stopped going to that forum and I'm being a lot more careful about browsing, even on non-P sites.

I'm not overly discouraged or surprised by how the P counter keeps getting reset. Shine a light on an issue and you'll see all the warts real quick. But hopefully, as I nip more potential triggers in the bud, triggers that I wasn't accounting for before, it will eventually start to tick up reliably.
 

sho0fl

Active Member
Hey 544, I think that you're too harsh on yourself with the counter.

It's day X after you've realized that there's a fight to be won and you're fighting.

From reading your journal I can say that you're killing it. Your struggles and how you're managing them. Maybe from your perspective it's gloomy, with so much work, but from a person reading your journal I can say that you're doing great. Focus on the positives, I would say that for me, you're not on day 1.

I would also say that it doesn't matter in my opinion on which day you're on. Focus on kicking it, not on counting days here and there. I know that resetting this can be discouraging, and this is a self-defeating action.

Keep killing it
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Hey 544, I think that you're too harsh on yourself with the counter.

It's day X after you've realized that there's a fight to be won and you're fighting.

From reading your journal I can say that you're killing it. Your struggles and how you're managing them. Maybe from your perspective it's gloomy, with so much work, but from a person reading your journal I can say that you're doing great. Focus on the positives, I would say that for me, you're not on day 1.

I would also say that it doesn't matter in my opinion on which day you're on. Focus on kicking it, not on counting days here and there. I know that resetting this can be discouraging, and this is a self-defeating action.

Keep killing it

Well, I'd start by saying that the P counter resetting wasn't discouraging so much as enlightening. The purpose of setting such a strict standard was to encourage myself not just to avoid P, but to avoid triggers that could segue into P. That said, you do raise an interesting point. If I'm counting unintentional encounters with suggestive or visually stimulating material, why not count every time I look at a woman's butt for more than a split second? If every brief, accidental slip-up like that is counted, the counter would perpetually stay at 0. And it's not like a day counter is the most substantially effective way of gauging my own self-control. It's just "how long since X,Y,Z has happened".

All that said, I'm still going to use a day counter for all three, but maybe you're right. For now, until I find a better way of keeping track, I'll count P as things that I seek out, not things I run afoul of. All that said...

Days free from...
P: 13
M: 13
O: 36

For the record, that's 2 days longer than my last streak without O. I'll still write about triggers in my journal when I post, and try to give them a wider berth after bumping into them.
 
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