Lazarus

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 20

Hooooie. The urges are coming out in full force today. I'm worn out, I've been ruminating all day, I've been having to wrestle with my own eyes to keep them off of improper things... but God has kept me standing. By His grace, I'm on the cusp of making it to the farthest I've ever gone in a reboot since I first started PMOing all the way back at age 11. 21 days... 3 weeks. If I last 2 more days, I loose sails on uncharted waters. Admittedly, I'm a little scared, but I've been delivered this far.

I'm not sure what to say... but I'll be here tomorrow morning, either with triumphant shouting or somber mourning. Let's hope it's the former, yeah?
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 21

And here we are. Last time I got this far, it took a snowstorm and a power outage to stop my streak. I'm feeling pretty triumphant, but now more than ever I gotta avoid getting cocky.

Still getting strong urges, but it's been getting more tolerable to not give in.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 22

Looking like it's going to be a rough week. Found out today that I'm working 6 days in a row, and today's shift was nearly 12 hours. Getting through this will take some real prayer and some real doing.

The good news, PMO-wise, is that it seems I've still got momentum on my side. There's too much I've got to manage here to throw it all away in the pursuit of dopamine.

The only way out is through; let's get to digging.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 23

Rough day. Not because of work. I felt like my mind was on an incline towards rumination and self-doubt all day. Couldn't stop thinking of how things in my life would be different or better if I wasn't a damned loser. If I had half an inch of actual talent or value to speak of. If I could stop finding my way to friends who aren't there when I need them. If I wasn't a habitual last-placer, no matter how bad I want to win or how hard I chase after it.

That whole spiel was the first thing that came to mind to type. This is never a good sign. Self-esteem issues and PMO usage go hand-in-dong-filled-hand for me. I need some kind of way out of this mental rut before it takes my best streak since I started this long journey and throws it into the bonfire on a melodramatic whim.

I know this is a lot less sure-footed than a lot of my entries, but this really is what's on my plate today. This has been my day. I need help.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hang in there FiveForty. You're definitely NOT a loser. You're here trying to fix a big part of your life, something that most people don't even care to see or even want to see, that's a heroic deed to be sure.
 

sho0fl

Active Member
I'd like to add a quote from Seneca here:
We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.

Stay strong man, address your thoughts and introspect on why they're there, think about how you feel and why you feel this way.

Then ask yourself if your thoughts and convictions are true in reality, or are they true just in your mind. This usually helps me.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 24

I'm feeling a lot better's the good news. After the encouraging messages posted above and a good chat with my accountability partner and friend Swaraj here on the forums, I think I was able to get through the worst of yesterday's funk without many regrets. A lot of what was making me feel down, without going into detail, was just in my head. All things that are beyond my control and that can't affect me any more than I let them. Learning to control and contain these thoughts is just another part of the over-all goal of self improvement.

Work hours are still weighing heavy on me, but I'm getting through the slog of it. Working out has become a pretty big part of dealing with the physical stress of the work; reading and playing with my puppy for the mental stress. Things will get easier in due time, I'm certain.

Also noting this: women just look prettier now. Gotta be careful to not let this segue into thoughts in bed, but this change is still a W in my book.
 

arandomguy

Member
Day 24

I'm feeling a lot better's the good news. After the encouraging messages posted above and a good chat with my accountability partner and friend Swaraj here on the forums, I think I was able to get through the worst of yesterday's funk without many regrets. A lot of what was making me feel down, without going into detail, was just in my head. All things that are beyond my control and that can't affect me any more than I let them. Learning to control and contain these thoughts is just another part of the over-all goal of self improvement.

Work hours are still weighing heavy on me, but I'm getting through the slog of it. Working out has become a pretty big part of dealing with the physical stress of the work; reading and playing with my puppy for the mental stress. Things will get easier in due time, I'm certain.

Also noting this: women just look prettier now. Gotta be careful to not let this segue into thoughts in bed, but this change is still a W in my book.
Glad this is how you're doing after your previous post. Keep going man.
There's a light at the end of this depressing tunnel.. remember this is a momentary affliction..the joy that is to come far outweighs it. And even this momentary affliction will become lighter with time as we rewire our brains from this filth.
Much grace to you. You've got this.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 25

Getting close to that 30-day mark, huh? If that old demon wanted a good time to strike, he's had plenty this week. Hasn't landed a firm blow yet, grace a' God. Speaking of which, I've been noticing another big change lately.

When I first had that three-week streak at around the end of 2020, it was in large part because of a rediscovery of faith. I'd started listening to these little 30-minute Billy Graham sermons. Couldn't get enough of them. They awakened in me a transcendent passion for the Lord and His will. Then I had that relapse during some freak weather, and even though I got baptized afterward, week by week, I could feel every callous God had shorn off building back onto my heart.

We're a few months off from it being two years since then. I think starting this journal and just being sick and tired is what kicked off the 13-day streak last month and this current reboot. And as it's been progressing, I've been finding that passion for Christ that I lost. Where my longing flares up and my soul aches, where tears, groans and wails sound in the depths of my soul like the echoes of shifting waters from the blackened belly of a grotto, He steps in. Joy lights the darkness, and a pleasure beyond description wipes away doubt.

Still working on the self-esteem issues. I still get all kinds of thoughts. When I'm at work, my brain will prod me with keywords to look up later. Nothing at all is perfect, but this... this is powerful. The stakes are higher now than they've ever been, but the rock on which I stand is unshaken.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Glad this is how you're doing after your previous post. Keep going man.
There's a light at the end of this depressing tunnel.. remember this is a momentary affliction..the joy that is to come far outweighs it. And even this momentary affliction will become lighter with time as we rewire our brains from this filth.
Much grace to you. You've got this.

Thanks, man. It means a lot. That joy that comes in its own time... hunger for it keeps me going. Sometimes this whole thing feels like a languid crawl, but every day that I move forward will add up in the end.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 28

Hoowie, where to start...

I missed a day, obviously. I didn't really find the time for this Sunday morning. 12-hour shift, on my 6th day in a row working, with over 50 hours logged in the 5 preceding days. I. Was. Pooped. Caught the tail end of church service with my friend, played some video games with my brother, then crashed like the stock market. Reboot-wise, a pretty good day.

Then today happened. I knew beforehand that it was going to be rough; it would have been wise to plan more and block off more routes of access to suggestive imagery. M'd in the shower. I've been stopping myself from doing that for the past few weeks by blasting Christian metal while I clean; today it didn't keep me from starting, but the music reached my head before I O'd. I stopped, got out, and prayed for forgiveness, then went back about my day. Played some games with some friends, read a little, then started fantasizing. I stripped down and just... thought. Lost about a half-hour to that, and then couldn't get my head straight for the rest of the day. Started letting my mind and eyes drift to more risque visual content (Not hardcore P, but still activating). Still haven't O'd. Hoping that the sleeping pills I just took will knock me out before much longer.

Honestly, posting here yesterday might have been enough to head off at least some of this. My "streak" might still technically be going, but today feels like a near-disaster. There is some solace in that I was caught when I teetered. And hey! 4-week mark. Plus, tonight is small group, which is always a nice window-opener.

So as for what I intend to do differently next time...

  • I'm setting a new rule for game-time on Sunday nights off in particular: Two hours tops, multiplayer games only. This might seem trivial, but it wards off isolation and allows more time for doing other, more productive things. Feeling like I'm not wasting the day is a good feeling to have in pressing back temptations to PMO.
  • On days off, replacing shower music with audio bibles. If Christian music isn't a strong enough dampener of the flesh, the Living Word may be the two-edged sword to cut the beast. As for why just days off: I wake up pretty soon before work time. Urgency doesn't allow the time to slip up.
  • When I get the urge to fantasize, consult the list of things I'd like to study. Occupy my mind with something interesting, rather than letting it wander.
 

sho0fl

Active Member
I think you're making good progress 544. I think that the most important thing here is to kill the desire for P and that you're doing just that. I also think that MO is also fine, you shouldn't be harsh with yourself for this. Focus on the positives for the past 4 weeks, not on the negatives.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 29

Today was... very spiritually productive. Not going to go into detail, but some things seemed to move in the direction of getting closure and restoration.

In bed right now, doing my best to keep wicked thoughts at bay. My "best" isn't as successful as I'd hoped, but I'm stillnin this race. Feel like tomorrow's gonna be a real knock-down-drag-out kinda fight.

Best I get my rest for it. God bless.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 30

Day. Thirty. Could type those words out a few more times. Day friggin' 30!

I almost can't believe I got this far. I thought success would be more gradual, but I've been blessed! I'm winning the fight!

And the next victory is in the mind. I haven't been making my to-do lists lately because of how hectic work's been. I need to get back into it; something about doing those makes bringing my thoughts into submission easier. I've got to do internally what's been done externally. Capture my wild and perverted thoughts; do a nice deep clean. Then I'll statt hitting the porn cravings where they live.

This is only the start, but, by the deliverance of God, I'm proud of it. I'm proud of myself. I've accomplished this through Christ who strengthens me, and I'm deeply gladdened and proud.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 31

Reporting modest successes in getting my mind under dominion. Urges and negative moods still pop up now and then; I've been catching myself and swatting them away. A big part of it, an indispensable part actually, is seeking sanctuary in God. Finding little silent moments to breathe deep and check in. Soothes the heart.

Made a to-do list today. Another long shift has drained out a good bit of the time I would have used for personal development, but at least all this overtime is hopefully building character.

I'm going to make the most of this momentum. God bless.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 32

It occurs to me that I've now attained a long enough time of uninterrupted reboot to have, with proper timing, completed No-Nut November. Guess I'll just have to keep this streak going until then, eh?

In all seriousness, today was a good day. My shift was (relatively) short, and I'm hoping I might just get to sleep a full 8 hours today. Urges of varying kinds seem more under-control, though I can tell there's still plenty of work to be done getting my fantasy-habits put away.

Looking forward to tomorrow's victory. Praise God.
 
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