Lazarus

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 1

So, yeah, I stumbled. After I lied down to sleep, I started getting really intrusive thoughts, and I ultimately caved. The good news is that I seem to have taken it in stride. All throughout today I was getting really strong urges to look at P. Still haven't yet. I think I can still move on from this stronger.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 0

I relapsed pretty hard today. PMO twice. After that I watched a video about the crucifixion and wept my eyes out. I feel like you could lob my moral compass into the winds and start a twister with all that spinning.

Gonna buy a new journal for tracking personal progress, some sticky-notes to put on my computer screen, and a second alarm clock to help me haul ass out of bed. Also got some melatonin to knock me out a bit easier.

Lastly, I wanna say that if I hadn't had my accountability partner to talk to after the fact, I'd probably be taking this a lot worse. Having someone else in the fight to share the burden with really seems to help process the shame without forgetting that I've still got to keep pushing.

I'm not out of hope yet.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 1

I've posted several sticky notes around the edge of my computer screen. Mostly Bible verses, plus a reminder to not be on the computer for more than one hour without taking a break.

The images of what I looked at yesterday are still fresh in my mind. I've been trying to keep focused on what's right in front of me and keep my hands busy. Even the music the videos played is still stuck in my head. But my God is sustaining me.

Gonna listen to a little bit of music to try and wash it out.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 4

Sundays are, as always, rougher than usual for no discriminate reason. But somehow, just knowing that kinda helped me keep a relative level of control. Not that it's all sunshine and rainbows; I M'd in the shower again.

That aside, I've also just been kinda depressed lately. Maybe withdrawal, or maybe life circumstances. The general tone of life right now just seems bitter. Hell, as I type this it's raining cats and dogs out there; could just be the weather. IDK. But I'm sure I'll get better.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Are you exercising vigorously when you get urges?
Can't say that I am, no, though that doesn't sound like a bad idea for urges that occur throughout the night when I'm off work. I've done things like that before; it's a good habit I've fallen out of. I'll work some of that in.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 0

Alright... I'm establishing a rule to not take my showers in the upstairs bathroom. Every time, it just leads bad places. I know that this habit can be triggered by certain locations and times, and that location seems to just have some bad mental mojo for the time being.

I also did something I haven't done in a while: I turned on worship music and just had a long moment of quiet, prayerful meditation. It didn't stop me from going on to relapse, but it did make me feel like things are going to be alright. I think if I keep doing this, it'll help lighten my spirits a bit. If I'm not feeling so down, maybe these urges will find less perch to push me back down. If I'm already feeling fine, why turn to PMO, right?

And as mentioned above, I'm going to start getting some exercise when I get urges. Push-ups, curls, squats, walking, anything to get the energy out.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Know your triggers! That's a great strategy. So is the habit of turning to anything that lifts your spirits in a wholesome way.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 6

I stumbled a bit, earlier. I was going so strong. I didn't O or use P, but I did M while showering. I did not use the upstairs shower. It seems I need to narrow down my use of showers further to only at certain times. That's a feasible adjustment. I'm going to learn from this mistake and do better.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 7

I have resolved to not take showers at the end of the day at all, unless I'm covered in filth or something similarly extreme.

I M'd and fantasized a lot today. I had the night off, so I had a lot of time for it, unfortunately. I did, however, manage to busy myself by cleaning my firearm. It was a little frustrating, but it grabbed my attention for a good little while. I'm still not sanguine about my performance today, but at least I got this far.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Can you make a list of things you can turn your attention to when cravings distract you?
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Can you make a list of things you can turn your attention to when cravings distract you?
Can definitely put that on the to-do list. One thing just off the top of my head is theology, meditating on different verses and concepts.

Anyways, Day 8

After getting through yesterday, today felt just a little bit easier, albeit I still had to keep careful watch of my mind. Made tacos.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 1

Fantasies kept me up for hours yesterday. Eventually I caved. I'm still upset, if I'm being honest, but I also recognize that I just had a pretty alright streak, and that it didn't really start falling apart until the end, which I can tie back to a particular trigger. One for which I've established protocols.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Knowing your triggers and having a plan to shift your attention is half the battle. Good luck!
 
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