Lazarus

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 3

I'm starting to learn that self-checks are a pretty crucial part of keeping a level head. I won't lie, I had some bad M episodes today. I even took an upstairs shower. Didn't O, but got a fresh reminder of why I need to avoid those things. Beyond that, I also realized that the games I've been playing on my days off absolutely affect my success. For example, I swapped out Cyberpunk with Banjo-Kazooie and it's like switching from alcohol to water. Just way more wholesome in tone.

Beyond that, like I said, self-checks and a willingness to stop a train of thought if it's going bad places. If I'm thinking dirty thoughts, I'll do something to calm myself down. Say, count to 50, think about some nerdy crap that I know too much about, and in the mean time physically distance myself from whatever surroundings might be triggering me and ask myself what moved me to teeter on relapse in the first place. It's a lot of mental self-examination.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 4

Not sure what to type. I'm a little surprised I made it this far again. That might be a little depressing, but I just thought my goose was cooked yesterday. Still, don't see any reason to not keep going.

Went to small group today, so that was good. Listened to some apologetics, chewed for a while on some theology. Still have plenty to learn.

All honesty, I felt like crap throughout today, though I feel strongly that it was more because of a recent blood donation and less-than-adequate sleep. I'll get some good Z's in today.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 5

As far as rebooting goes, today's been a bit of a mess, though perhaps a necessary mess. Let's start with the worst news: I looked up what could be construed as P today. It wasn't hardcore, there wasn't any actual nudity, but I could tell it was hitting the same neurons as P probably would. I've been edging and fantasizing periodically throughout the day. My mind is just... raunchy beyond comparison, man. It's such a nagging thing.

I've also noticed that, for whatever reason, reading actually activates my libido. I'm trying to get through a book on genetics right now and it's downright arduous to focus for 15 minutes so I can actually get information in. Maybe it's an old neural pathway I formed in school, back when I wasn't even trying to kick the habit.

I'm not entirely certain I'm going to be able to head tomorrow's entry with "Day 6". I feel incredibly weak right now. But, so that I can write down some hope here, I'll note that I haven't done the shower thing. I did get through a chapter of that book too, fantasies be damned. And I was somewhat reassured that, after watching those videos, I found myself more turned off by them than anything.

Of course, the main hope is that, barring tragedy, I have every reason to think tomorrow is going to come. Whether I win or lose the battle today, the war ain't over.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 6

Somehow ended up getting to sleep yesterday. Can't complain about that, lol. Honestly, more than anything, what was different about today was realizing just how stupid P is. Like, I'm slowly starting to reckon with the parts of my sexual tastes that have been molded and corrupted by P, the stuff that I know is far beyond both my personal ethics and the realms of reality, and all of it is so... so, so dumb. The fantasies, the fetishes, all of it. Not one bit of this is what God intended when He gave us the gift of sexuality. The whole P industry and all of its freebie offshoots will not be missed when everything is at its end.

Been doing self-checks throughout the day, periodically. Also got some gaming in after work. Not a lot, just like 30 minutes of some goofy indie game. Feeling a bit better than I was yesterday. Might just be able to make a ten-day streak this time if I don't give in. Here's hoping.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 7

Hoo boy. I feel alive again and a little dead all at the same time. My body has been caffeinated, nauseated, horned up and worn down this past week, and that I got through it with seven, albeit imperfect, days under my belt is... shocking.

I'll start with the worst news of today regarding the reboot: I M'd in the shower. It wasn't a long, drawn-out thing like usual, but this time it was in the downstairs shower. It's starting to worm it's way in there too. I'm thinking I'll do something that's helped in the past: putting on theology videos while I clean up.

I'm also starting to take on some new responsibilities at work. Not a bad thing, per se, but I need to mind that the additional stress doesn't send me scurrying back to PMO.

And that's today's report. Glad I could get this far. Let's go farther.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 8

I woke up maybe 30 minutes before my alarm today. Wrapped up in covers as I was, I didn't care to look at the clock. After a few minutes, I started edging to fantasies. Twice I stopped and realized that what I was doing was wrong, but I didn't stop completely. My alarms finally got me to drag my butt out of bed. That stopped me.

I'm still pretty worn out. Today was a little rough at work. Had people call in, got us staying late. Stress is wearing me down. I'm more than a little demoralized. I hope that tomorrow is better.
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Had a bit of edging to fantasies myself in that moment of the morning when you are still waking up, it happens.
Good that you realized what you were doing, it took a while for me, haha.

Good luck, I hope you manage!
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 9

I'm feeling... actually pretty good today. I got out of bed without much of a struggle; I took Androg's advice and took my shower cold this morning (at least initially, tried to keep water lukewarm at most). Haven't really M'd at all today. That's the good news.

The bad news is that yesterday, after posting, I did the shower thing. After that, I really wanted to look at P. I got my headphones on, I whipped out my phone, I was this close from turning off my content blockers and then I just... took a breath. I heard my own heartbeat going. And God pulled me back from the brink. I put my phone back away, went and talked to someone for a little while, got the day's stresses out of my system.

Today was a lot easier than that. A lot better in general, actually. Not without challenges, but better. And while I still definitely feel the incline towards P, I find it a little easier now to just say "Watching erotica and hogging off is not me."
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 10

It's a big encouragement just getting to type that. Today was a close call. I had sex on the mind today and it drove me to fantasies, which worked me up until I made the decision to break my rule again and take a morning shower upstairs. I keep making the same logical mistake: "I'll be in, then out." So I wrote a new note and put it up on my door.

I think I've figured out why this particular mistake is one I tend to make on my days off, not that it's any big surprise: whenever I get really comfort-hungry, or whenever I feel tired or lazy and feel the want to be cozy, that's when the whole shower thing gets into my head. Then 40 minutes later I'm wondering where on Earth the day went.

This, however, can be overcome. I'm certain.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 11

Forgot to change my alarms (work started a few hours early last night). Didn't have time for a shower or breakfast, so no chances for M. Not planning on making that the norm, but worth noting.

What's even more worth noting, however, is that I just learned I've got a six-day workweek this week. Which means that my eyes are focused squarely on my next night off. Six days without a break is sure to build up stress, and chances are high that my body is going to want some "release". So I figure on that day, I'll actually make multiple posts here, clocking in and making sure that I don't lose sight of my reboot goals.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 12

Forgot to say, hoorah! Finally making double-digit streaks again. Gotta take a minute to be intentionally happy about that, lest I take it for granted. I can also definitely feel a sort of softening of conscience; even when dirty thoughts come up, it's easier to push back against them.

But all of that can still be lost in a moment of weakness. Thats' why I still have to be discrete and deliberate. Make no bridges for PMO to re-enter. I've been continuing the practice of taking cool showers. Not ice-cold, but not warm by any means.

Still got binoculars on my next night off. I strongly feel that just about any errant salacious thought that I don't wrangle into submission throughout the week is going to snowball when that day comes. But if I can get through it, what a win it will be.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 13

I'm starting to notice a pattern as I keep going here. Some particular kink or fantasy will get lodged in my head, and for about 24 hours, I will want to slap the salmon to whatever that thing is worse than I want air to breathe. Then, after I get past it, it might still be "alluring" but to nowhere near the same extent. I think it helps just to keep the presence of mind that, even if I really want something bad, the itch will go away in time if I don't scratch it.

Now time for the bad news. I M'd in bed yesterday and in the shower last night. I thought as time went on I'd stop getting the urge to do these things; maybe it's going to take longer than I hoped. Truth be told, I've been a little restless lately, and quality sleep has been hard for me to get. But even still, I've had at least a couple days where I didn't M at all. It's not entirely hopeless, I just have to keep pushing and tying up every loose end I can. And ask God to bless the effort.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 14

Hey, that's two whole weeks! Longest streak I've had in a hot minute, that. I gotta say, I had lost hope for a while there. I know full well that I can still slip, but this at least demonstrates that it's never too late to pick back up and try again.

That said, I'm not feeling particularly strong today. I'm starting to get to the point where my "anatomy" feels backed up. My body is starting to reject the reboot. What's important, however, is that I hold fast to the goal. Don't lose sight of the real end goal, which is freedom. I imagine it'll only get more difficult from here. I'm still watching that next night off like a hawk. I've got two more nights of work. Then the real test starts.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 15

Half a month. Got my last shift of the six-day week tonight. Think I might celebrate and buy something nice for lunch. Fixed a flat and put up a whiteboard today. That's not directly connected to the reboot, but it is nice to have these little things to busy my hands.

I'm pretty sure I M'd a little in bed last night. I should note that it seems like my M-ing is slowly decreasing in length and frequency. Not in a straight line, but overall. So maybe there's hope for real cleanliness. For now I'll just take every W I can.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 16

Today was a little complicated. My mind was a little less dirty throughout the day than before, but when I got home, I did the shower thing. I noticed, however, that I stopped myself a little earlier than usual. I finally listened to the part of me telling me to quit it and get out as quick as possible. I feel like a fool continuing to do this, but my body gets so worked up that I really itch for relief.

It wasn't all bad today, though. I rebounded from that and went to teach Sunday school. Being around fellow believers really helped me out.

In all honesty, I'm iffy about my chances of getting through tomorrow. But I'll do the best I can. And even if I screw up, it's not too late to try again. I made it this far.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 17

(Part 1)

Posting at about 9:45 PM (start of my night). I ain't gonna lie, guys, I already feel weak. I M'd in bed, I've been seeing some suggestive material, all I want to do is look at P all day. I feel like an abject mess. But I said I was gonna post updates throughout the night, and that's what I'm gonna do, whether I succeed or not.
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 17

(Part 2)

I caved. PMO'd twice. I let the stress get to me and I couldn't take the pressure anymore. I feel disgusted with myself. Completely and totally defeated. Really, though, I also feel like I've been giving in this whole past week. Like I said, today was going to be a culmination of what I did for the six days I was working. I compromised then, and it lead to compromise now.

So that begs the question, what do I do differently now? Well, the way I see it, I have a means of improving. It's in remembering that all these temptations pass. I've mentioned a few times, I think, how my mind will fixate on some theme or fetish for a day at most, then move on to something else, and whatever the last thing was is no longer as titillating. Beyond that, it's really just a question of how to stop touching myself. It's just hard fighting that battle of willpower every free moment, man.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Have you already experimented, when you desperately need release, with a single masturbation (no porn, no binge) and see if that will help you get back on track? It doesn't work for everyone, because usually the intense cravings you describe are addiction-to-porn-related, not genuine libido. But even seeing that clearly can be useful. GL!
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
Day 1

So... update on how the rest of the night went. After my second post, I MO'd two more times. Pretty sure it messed me up. Had pain you-can-imagine-where that woke me up in the middle of the day. In between the third and fourth MO, I actually went and spent some time hanging out with other believers at church. I can't hide my sense of absolute disgrace at doing what I did after I got home, before going to sleep. I refused to exercise even the least bit of self-control. I'm ashamed of myself.

However, this is not the close of this journey. It's a definite low point, but not the end. More than ever, I feel resolved to take this 16-day streak and stretch it out farther this time, and without the compromises I was making along the way. No more "shower time", no more M in bed. I have a chance to start again, tabula rasa. I'm not going to waste it.

I'll close by saying that, despite the days after I relapse usually being pretty unbearable, today was pretty alright, aside from the guilt. My emotions felt a little easier to control.
 
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