Tales of Ordinary Masochism

derp

Member
I'm 21 and I'm addicted to watching big women beat up small men.

I've been watching this sort of stuff on porn sites since I was 16 but I've had the kink my whole life. For as long as I can remember I've fantasised about getting dominated and/or protected by a dominant female, in bed each night. It's soothing. I'd have insomnia otherwise. I remember being seven or so fantasising about being about 10 centimetres tall and having the fat girl in my class shove me up her ass.

Lately I've taken to starving myself and cycling. The thought of being extremely skinny and weak is exhilarating. Although "starving and cycling" is exaggerated a little as since it's an urge-based thing I don't really commit, I probably just eat slightly less and exercise slightly more. I can't make a firm decision to commit, as if I'm horny or whatever it is that I become then it would seem like a good idea, but if I'm not then I'd be feeling sensible, and since I'm aware of these two states and always under the influence of one of them, it makes the right choice hard to see. Because I don't know how much, if any, of the masochism is a healthy part of me. I've thought before that none of it is, and that if I want to quit the addiction I should gain weight. But if that were true I'd be giving up such a large portion of myself. A change in identity (although it must be noted that no-one knows about the masochism, it's likely that they would suspect it via subtle hints in my behaviour).

I start this journal on day five. I've had many failed attempts in the past. Generally failed on day four. In fact, day four on this attempt was tough. I was at uni staring at every girl in the library. Looking at the fat ones and imagining myself tiny trying to fight them and losing. My body was flooded with dopamine, or I assume that's what was happening. Anyway, my whole body felt good fantasising and I was lucky to be in a public place.

It helped to observe my bodily reaction itself. The women aren't objectively exciting, and in fact they are not what I like. What i like is my body's reaction to them. Keeping this in mind and paying attention to the sensations that arise seems to help. Although what I think is different this time, although it's only early days, is that I have a clear and enticing vision of change that keeps me going.

I lied before about being on day five. I'm on day four at 11pm. I drank some beers and then decided to write a post here as I've been putting it off for a long time. My plan was to write the post and then quit porn (although it's never actual porn, mainly mixed wrestling-type videos. For five years I've wanked to them most days, although in the last couple months I've upped it to twice daily). I haven't tried to quit for a while, and I thought that I needed to try something new, and that posting here would keep me accountable, and I can journal a bit and that might help too. But a few days ago I got sick of waiting and felt good and motivated to quit but still couldn't be bothered writing a post so I just turned on the blockers on my phone and thought I'd give it a crack.

The plan is 90 days of nothing and then after that I get a weekly wank.

Here is a small portion of what I have to say on the matter. I wrote a whole heap on here once and clicked save draft but it didn't save the draft. I'll be adding more I reckon since I've got the ball rolling now, don't you worry. I intend to fill in the gaps as I understand there's a bit there that might need some explaining.

I'll be sleeping now (the urges are worse when I'm tired) so I have to wrap this up.

More to come.

Goodnight.
 

derp

Member
I relapsed after five days and have had another five day streak since my original attempt.

I failed the first time because I got a new phone and therefore had free access with no blocker blocker so I caved to temptation. I have since added a blocker, but have been using my brothers computer again.

What I've lacked is a clear response to any devilish argument my mind conjures when gripped with an urge. I've considered breaking down everything I've told myself before a relapse and coming up with premeditated responses for next time. However, I've noticed that I never really have an obvious, compelling reason to quit anyway. So I need to determine why I should bother. I've come up with five reasons:
  • It’s gone on long enough
  • It keeps me in my comfort zone, alone, with no need to change or better myself
  • I may experience health problems in the future
  • It will become harder to quit in the future
  • Overcoming such a challenge will fill me with enormous pride and belief
I'll reflect on this list regularly. Perhaps there's other reasons. I need to be careful of adding things willy-nilly though, as if it's too easy for my tempted mind to debunk then the rest of the list could lose credibility.

In saying that, I have noticed some consequences of regular use that I've listed to remind myself that it's not totally harmless:
  • Low energy, no discipline, no motivation
  • Memory loss, brain fog, poor thinking quality, inability to think entirely
  • Low interest in women, ED
  • Fetish evolved, become gay
  • Sexualising of everything
  • Bent, smelly cock
  • Weak or no orgasm
  • Constant fantasising
  • Increased appetite
  • Extreme urges, instances of desperation, addiction
  • Social anxiety, low mood

I've also been working on establishing a decent ideal for the future and what the opposite could look like.

While my ultimate goal remains to quit any form of visual sexual stimulation forever, I am now allowing myself a wank every fortnight. However, the three months of no masochism still remains. Meaning no masochistic fantasies, even while wanking, and no starvation.

Finally, I've written down some tips and rules to follow to make it easier. First, I'll be cutting off any fantasising as soon as I notice it, and I'll avoid looking at women as much as possible. Second, I'll maintain a consistent level of discipline, exercising and meditating in the morning and then doing uni work during routine hours. I'll then keep myself busy in free time. I'll also try to be more assertive, as this is the trait that I desire most and crave in others, so embodying it myself will hopefully reduce such cravings. When I feel an urge, I'll pay attention to the urge itself, instead of seeing the object of the craving as something objective. If the urge is strong, I'll exercise or pour cold water on myself.

Lastly, I will regularly journal how I'm going, how I'm feeling, how hard each day is, etc.
 

derp

Member
I am at the end of day two. I scraped through today somewhat shamefully. I was drinking last night which makes me feel terrible, mentally, the next day, giving me heavy cravings. I spent most of the day fantasising and then ended up browsing through photos of mixed wrestling I found on Facebook. I spent probably close to two hours doing this, rubbing myself a bit too, almost making it occasionally. But it's visual stimulation I want to cut out entirely. It shouldn't make a difference whether I make it or not.

Anyway, I shall continue on my current streak. I shall stop drinking as frequently. I shall forbid fantasies, diligently. I even started starving myself again and fantasising about wasting away. I shall put that on hold for three months as promised. Most importantly, I shall stick to the golden rule of no visual stimulation.
 

derp

Member
Yesterday I relapsed after a week.

I am not too bothered. What I have done in the past is only count singular, long streaks as progress, but I now realise that this is stupid, and I should simply keep going (still refreshing the streak), instead of having a long period of continual use building up to another measly attempt.

Yesterday when I relapsed I went two times again afterward. Today I have been craving it and I have noticed that it is this craving that makes it hard to do any uni work. My mind can't focus on something else, especially something challenging, until it gets what it wants. This difficulty is all the more motivation to keep going.

Last time I let myself fantasise and even look at things on various online forms. I can't allow myself to do that again. I must be more mindful.
 

derp

Member
Relapsed two days ago and then yesterday.

Some days it's extremely hard to do anything and it seems like it's my mind demanding porn and nothing else, especially nothing hard.

I didn't need to relapse yesterday. I could have kept going. I have extreme cravings from early to mid afternoon and then they subside. That happened today, big time. I never used to crave it the day after, or even within a couple of days after.

I need to keep in mind the difficulty of doing anything as evidence of how I've been affected, as well as the increased appetite. It makes sense: five years of daily use. I need to keep this in mind as well.

I have changed my mind somewhat on the five reasons I decided would motivate me. I now consider myself at the standard of having already beaten it. It's helped me when faced with urges to consider a relapse as a loss of dignity, and it means I keep going after a relapse and don't sweat on long streaks. In saying that, the last couple of days have been pretty poor, but I was feeling down then and I'm better now.
 
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