Completely dumbfounded and lost

Badlands

Member
Hi I’m new to this entire thing .
I am 34 year old female and I’m sorry if this is long as hell but I have to get this entire story off my chest because I’ve been living with this for 2 years . I have felt so ashamed and embarrassed, devastated, disgusted and every emotion you can think of. But I feel some type of peace knowing I’m not alone . My fiancé is addicted to porn and serial online cheating .
and i am in complete disbelief.
we’ve been together for over 2 years now and I am absolutely in love with this man . He’s brilliant and talented beyond belief with art .
when we met it was on fb . we just hit it off from the start Perfection, happiness, safety , partnership and just made my life and my daughters so much more.
He told me that before we even attempted to have sex that he had issues with holding an erection and cumming.
ok.. alright damn that happens we will deal with it when the time comes . I notice very soon that he would ask for pictures or videos of me and tell me he’s horny when he’s at home . I’m not a woman who shares photos it’s creepy and I don’t want my body out there for all. But I did it once. And regretted it ,thinking damn how many chicks sent him pics ?? because obviously he’s going to ask. Immediately he tells me he isn’t into porn and it’s stupid and prefers the real deal , GIANT red flag btw. Fast forward a few months of awkward sex. ZERO connection , dead fish No want or desire to even apply effort , just like dead to the emotional part of sex . And Intimacy was completely absent so the sex 40 minutes 60 minutes 2 hours of me working to make him orgasm if he can even at all. So I start noticing a pattern when a man doesn’t see his gf in 3 days he should be able to cum. If he was spending more time with me he was able to sometimes get off. If he was not with me when he was back to the same old issues. Also at this time I noticed a certain female who was added and whom she messaged him on fb for a few days Immediately I said something is off . So one night she asked him if he had snap chat and he responded no, made fun of her and then left my house where we were laying in bed about an hour later. To go jerk off to this girl on Snapchat . That night I said to myself “ he’s cheating “ so the next day I messaged the girl and told her I knew he was cheating on me with her , she confirmed and sent me everything he was saying and pictures.
devastated is not the word, you can never un see what you saw I was hysterical, broken I wanted to die . And I confronted him . He cried begged for forgiveness deleted all forms of social media which for him was HUGE because he’s a tattoo artist and social media is his life . So he promised it was a mistake and would never again do that. And I believe him that he has not cheated again. He moved in and Soon after I got pregnant Which was something that was hard to do because he hardly could cum.but the more I dug into his phone and iPad I found more and more and more lies , he was chatting with more than 4 girls at the same time and it wasn’t just me he cheated on , he never deleted anything from his phone . YEARS of cheating only online . Mainly because I’m assuming he can’t keep an erection so he lived his days in very short relationships and always chatting sexting and porn with every girlfriend he had .
sadly I ended up loosing the baby and my health and mental health spiraled out of control .
I hated myself , I was ugly , disgusting, I didn’t want to see my body or him to see me . I felt like i was worthless and my body wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t enough and I can never compare with what he was looking at for porn , the girls on the other hand 😏
We decided we wanted to try again for a baby so we decided there would be no porn because it was so rare he would ejaculate . For about 4-5 months he was getting off every time and no issues with his penis going soft or anything.
then I started noticing again a pattern and he lied said he wasn’t watching porn , of course I found the porn and I blocked everything. Who can’t stop themselves from jerking off when they are trying to have a baby ? And you know you have issues … so again everything went back to normal for a while, I ended up losing my father and was going to fly out of state and had a series of massive anxiety attacks that landed me in the hospital for a week.
that’s all it took was one week for me to be away and I noticed right away and he lied again. He wasn’t able to watch porn so he went on YouTube and watched girls in thongs shaking their asses . Of course I confronted him and he wanted to leave me . Said he has an issue and admits it and didn’t ever think porn was the Cause . At this point something is wrong and I need to know how we can work through this , and how can we work through this? Can he change? He says he wants to , he doesn’t want to lose me and I want to be there for him . Does anyone have any advice on what to do ?
Do we stop having sex ?
Obviously blocking everything he has on everything
Social media is out
How the actual hell do I process this and be strong when I feel like I can’t comprehend this . I’ve read all day on this forum and this is some serious shit! It’s scary 😞
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Hi I’m new to this entire thing .
I am 34 year old female and I’m sorry if this is long as hell but I have to get this entire story off my chest because I’ve been living with this for 2 years . I have felt so ashamed and embarrassed, devastated, disgusted and every emotion you can think of. But I feel some type of peace knowing I’m not alone . My fiancé is addicted to porn and serial online cheating .
and i am in complete disbelief.
we’ve been together for over 2 years now and I am absolutely in love with this man . He’s brilliant and talented beyond belief with art .
when we met it was on fb . we just hit it off from the start Perfection, happiness, safety , partnership and just made my life and my daughters so much more.
He told me that before we even attempted to have sex that he had issues with holding an erection and cumming.
ok.. alright damn that happens we will deal with it when the time comes . I notice very soon that he would ask for pictures or videos of me and tell me he’s horny when he’s at home . I’m not a woman who shares photos it’s creepy and I don’t want my body out there for all. But I did it once. And regretted it ,thinking damn how many chicks sent him pics ?? because obviously he’s going to ask. Immediately he tells me he isn’t into porn and it’s stupid and prefers the real deal , GIANT red flag btw. Fast forward a few months of awkward sex. ZERO connection , dead fish No want or desire to even apply effort , just like dead to the emotional part of sex . And Intimacy was completely absent so the sex 40 minutes 60 minutes 2 hours of me working to make him orgasm if he can even at all. So I start noticing a pattern when a man doesn’t see his gf in 3 days he should be able to cum. If he was spending more time with me he was able to sometimes get off. If he was not with me when he was back to the same old issues. Also at this time I noticed a certain female who was added and whom she messaged him on fb for a few days Immediately I said something is off . So one night she asked him if he had snap chat and he responded no, made fun of her and then left my house where we were laying in bed about an hour later. To go jerk off to this girl on Snapchat . That night I said to myself “ he’s cheating “ so the next day I messaged the girl and told her I knew he was cheating on me with her , she confirmed and sent me everything he was saying and pictures.
devastated is not the word, you can never un see what you saw I was hysterical, broken I wanted to die . And I confronted him . He cried begged for forgiveness deleted all forms of social media which for him was HUGE because he’s a tattoo artist and social media is his life . So he promised it was a mistake and would never again do that. And I believe him that he has not cheated again. He moved in and Soon after I got pregnant Which was something that was hard to do because he hardly could cum.but the more I dug into his phone and iPad I found more and more and more lies , he was chatting with more than 4 girls at the same time and it wasn’t just me he cheated on , he never deleted anything from his phone . YEARS of cheating only online . Mainly because I’m assuming he can’t keep an erection so he lived his days in very short relationships and always chatting sexting and porn with every girlfriend he had .
sadly I ended up loosing the baby and my health and mental health spiraled out of control .
I hated myself , I was ugly , disgusting, I didn’t want to see my body or him to see me . I felt like i was worthless and my body wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t enough and I can never compare with what he was looking at for porn , the girls on the other hand 😏
We decided we wanted to try again for a baby so we decided there would be no porn because it was so rare he would ejaculate . For about 4-5 months he was getting off every time and no issues with his penis going soft or anything.
then I started noticing again a pattern and he lied said he wasn’t watching porn , of course I found the porn and I blocked everything. Who can’t stop themselves from jerking off when they are trying to have a baby ? And you know you have issues … so again everything went back to normal for a while, I ended up losing my father and was going to fly out of state and had a series of massive anxiety attacks that landed me in the hospital for a week.
that’s all it took was one week for me to be away and I noticed right away and he lied again. He wasn’t able to watch porn so he went on YouTube and watched girls in thongs shaking their asses . Of course I confronted him and he wanted to leave me . Said he has an issue and admits it and didn’t ever think porn was the Cause . At this point something is wrong and I need to know how we can work through this , and how can we work through this? Can he change? He says he wants to , he doesn’t want to lose me and I want to be there for him . Does anyone have any advice on what to do ?
Do we stop having sex ?
Obviously blocking everything he has on everything
Social media is out
How the actual hell do I process this and be strong when I feel like I can’t comprehend this . I’ve read all day on this forum and this is some serious shit! It’s scary 😞

Firstly, I'd like to acknowledge the brave step you took in coming here to open up. It's not easy. I'm sorry that your family is going through this.

As someone who has also been given many chances, probably more than I deserved, I definitely know what you 2 are going through. I've seen the pain and trauma this type of addiction can cause in a relationship. I've lied to my best friend and wife, not to hurt her, but because of the shame I felt. I thought I was protecting her from me. Obviously that wasn't the case. I think the best thing you can do is create boundaries of what is exceptable, though I'm certain you already have, reiterate them and stick to them. Offer support and guidance. I really believe this time, for me, that's been the difference. I never tried to quit with support. I was sure I could do it by myself. I've struggled for over 30 years with this, and though I'm still relatively early in my reboot, I'm more confident than I've ever been that I'll never do anything to jeopardize myself or my relationship again.

He has to want to. Really want to be done. Not only want to, but take the steps that are necessary to make it successful. He's the only person that can make him. His addiction is not a reflection of you as a partner or a person. They are his own personal demons that he's been battling since before her knew you.

It is a scary situation. If he's willing to do the work, it can lead to your relationship being stronger than ever, and great benefits for him, and not only sexual benefits. It really can make you the best version of yourself, but its not easy. Introduce him to this forum. There is a wealth of resources and support. It's truly a community that's made this journey much easier.

Best of luck
 

Badlands

Member
Firstly, I'd like to acknowledge the brave step you took in coming here to open up. It's not easy. I'm sorry that your family is going through this.

As someone who has also been given many chances, probably more than I deserved, I definitely know what you 2 are going through. I've seen the pain and trauma this type of addiction can cause in a relationship. I've lied to my best friend and wife, not to hurt her, but because of the shame I felt. I thought I was protecting her from me. Obviously that wasn't the case. I think the best thing you can do is create boundaries of what is exceptable, though I'm certain you already have, reiterate them and stick to them. Offer support and guidance. I really believe this time, for me, that's been the difference. I never tried to quit with support. I was sure I could do it by myself. I've struggled for over 30 years with this, and though I'm still relatively early in my reboot, I'm more confident than I've ever been that I'll never do anything to jeopardize myself or my relationship again.

He has to want to. Really want to be done. Not only want to, but take the steps that are necessary to make it successful. He's the only person that can make him. His addiction is not a reflection of you as a partner or a person. They are his own personal demons that he's been battling since before her knew you.

It is a scary situation. If he's willing to do the work, it can lead to your relationship being stronger than ever, and great benefits for him, and not only sexual benefits. It really can make you the best version of yourself, but its not easy. Introduce him to this forum. There is a wealth of resources and support. It's truly a community that's made this journey much easier.

Best of luck
Thank you so much . For your response, I literally have been waiting all night to see if anyone would reach out to me and help me .
This has destroyed my life and self esteem Immensely some of the things I’ve done as boundaries are
i have blocked social media he uses fb for work but it’s linked to my phone
Porn sites
Youtube
I don’t even know where else to start , it’s never ending the sites keep coming and coming new ones every day , I never even heard of before . He feels like I’m being “controlling “ and I feel I am as well which gives me guilt . But I know how easy it would be to fall back into
he opened up a lot and has created an account here as well for help and advice .
i am reading alot but alot of people seem to be single .. how do we do this when we are together?
do we not have sex? Or keep having sex
Some people say no using of the hand
I’m really sad for myself and family but I’m sad for him too , because he has never had a meaningful relationship in his life .
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
All good starts. Basically, be his accountability partner. I couldn't imagine doing this successfully without my wife. Your not being controlling, you're holding him accountable. But he has to be accountable to himself also. As much as you're involved, it's ultimately his reboot.

Some steps he can take are Journaling, meditation, any positive habit to replace the use of P and P subs. Coming here each day and reading and using the forum for support and giving support has been huge for me.

It is a very daunting journey. It's really a complete lifestyle change, just like dieting or drug and alcohol recovery. There will be hard truths and realizations, many up and down days.. but the freedom from porn's grasp is worth every tough moment.

As far as having sex goes, rewiring with a partner seems to be the most beneficial. The while point is to get back to REAL LIFE feeling and emotions. A good way to look at it that someone said here. " If it's not real, no deal!" Artificial stimulus has zapped our brains. Real life stimulus will heal it. As far as pleasuring himself, there are different ideas about that. It's normally closely associated with P use, so it's typically a good idea to refrain if at all possible. Some are able to and some aren't. No reboot goes exactly the same. The best thing he can do is start and give it all he has. And not use P or Psubs. Especially the last one.

We all are here to support you. This forum has been a life saver for many, myself included. But you have to use the resources and do the work for success. Best of luck to both of you and please keep us posted
 

Badlands

Member
It’s been about a week or so since he’s watched anything . The big fight happened about 4 days ago and oddly as this sounds , we have fought over this for about a year . But we have never had make up sex ever . He has never had that experience in his life time. he said that was the most connection he’s ever had with a woman and the sex was amazing.
and the last 3 nights he is all over me , really trying to show me he’s into me but I can’t help think , is he thinking of something else and using my body ? could this be from the lack of the pornography? He’s craving it so wants sex more? He says he doesn’t think of anything else or fantasize because even with other women it doesn’t even work for him cause if it did he would be able to get an erection and he can’t .

Maybe this is my own insecurities from all the lies not sure . But this information has been eye opening to say the least
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Something that was helpful for me when re-wiring was to have sex with eyes open. Both of us. Then I knew he was not going somewhere else in his mind. It made me feel more secure.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
he said that was the most connection he’s ever had with a woman and the sex was amazing.
and the last 3 nights he is all over me , really trying to show me he’s into me but I can’t help think , is he thinking of something else and using my body ?
I know the 1st we had sex after I started rebooting it was incredibly intense. There's a lot to be said for not flooding your mind with poison. I definitely am more aware of my wife's beauty and the connection is so much deeper since I've stopped consuming P and P subs.

You're going to question everything, for the foreseeable future. You have every right to the answer. I've been going through this with my wife. The hurt and doubt is still there. Betrayal leaves lots of unanswered questions. Honest open conversation is the only way past that. It hurts to reopen the wounds, but in the long run, it's necessary.

His libido may be higher at the moment due to not watching porn, but that doesn't mean he is thinking about it during sex. I've found a much deeper physical connection with my wife and it's part of what has really made this easier for me.
My attraction to her has multiplied since I've stopped. It's more of a realization of what we were missing, I think.
 

Badlands

Member
Something that was helpful for me when re-wiring was to have sex with eyes open. Both of us. Then I knew he was not going somewhere else in his mind. It made me feel more secure.
I will speak with him about this , he usually has his eyes closed . Fucking hell , this is a full time job on top of a job on top of full time parenting .
Fucking technology!
Trying to block everything took hours and I didn’t even make a dent
I don’t know how to block the damn Xbox which I’m about to smash on the ground and light on fire
Parental blocks
Family link
Going to switch phones to all iPhone so I can monitor everything. I don’t even know how to keep up with all the sites and shit . Porn subs
WHAAAAAT , how the fuck do I even block those for Christ sake can look at any site and find asses in thongs . My brain is going to implode

HOW MY SUBCONSCIOUS FEELS and what this can do to a woman

This has legit almost killed me
I feel like my partner is killing me
My heath which we have been battling for over a year now I truly believe is due to extreme emotional stress.
I get so stressed out that I vomit, get internal tremors where my entire inside of my body shakes , I wake up shaking and nauseous every day . I’ve gone ghost white to the point of almost passing out . Ended up in the hospital for 4 days cause they thought I was having a heart attack
But it was just continuous stress and anxiety.
i am now on anti anxiety medication for the first time in my life
2 miscarriages later and wondering wtf is going on with me ? Why can’t I carry these babies
This is my 2nd month of like extreme stress and my entire menstrual cycle is FUCKED
I’ve had normal periods for over a decade and now after everything my hormones are everywhere
Now I get 2 periods a month or early periods 😒
I really believe I lost the babies due to this stress.

he is So positive he won’t relapse and his attitude has changed a lot and I’m very proud of him for it . He’s an amazing father to my daughter they are so close it makes me love him even more .
But HOLY FUCK! I think I’m going to need more therapy Than him and Am taking this way worse 😭😭😭 on top of trying to be supportive and keep my emotions under control .
i want to love him. Marry him and murder him at the same time 😭
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
For sure the pain is real. I encourage people to get the book Love You, Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer.
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And here is the mark Chamberlain blog that is helpful.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
The two things above helped me become sane and start getting my brain more organized. They helped me take care of me. We read them and discussed what was in them.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Going to switch phones to all iPhone so I can monitor everything
Badlands - Can you please explain further? We both have iphones, but due to the VPN on his phone (for work) I can't find an app that will work properly. Is there a way to monitor simply because we both have iphones?

And yes! Worse than a full time job! I literally feel like the stress is killing me! Head hurts, palpitations, exhaustion!
 

Badlands

Member
You can use parental controls like family link , where he needs to have your permission for downloads of apps , sites ect and all porn sites are blocked I literally spent days researching as many as I could find and apps and blocking them with only a code I have . He can’t even get on YouTube music because they will look there too for videos .
i had to research so much step by step to block everything on each browser . I’m not internet savvy so it was a BITCH.
it fucking sucks so much and causes so much shit ! But I’m lucky that he’s pretty easy going , he did throw a bitch fit when I took YouTube music tho 🤷‍♀️
but our life has been so much better since he’s not been watching anything or doing things. I do believe he hasn’t gotta have hope!
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Sigh! Mine is being pretty easy going about this too. I set up parental blockers and spent HOURS going through his viewing history (I should be a PI by the way) and not sure what I did but they all disappeared! So now a few key ones are blocked but not enough. As you said...how can you block every site that has thongs...or how about bathing suit sites...or even just clothing sites...FOR FUCKS SAKE! EVERYTHING has something tantalizing! You can't even see commercials without getting triggered! FUCKING PORN!

On a lighter note.......Have you read the book that Gracie mentioned? My husband was agreeable (actually eager) to read both "Love you hate the porn" and "The Trust Factor". (I'll do anything, for you dear, anything🎶:cautious:) After reading the books he was "honest" with me...I know he wasn't totally honest because his ipads that he handed over were wiped of facetime calls and his whatsapp was deleted. BUT, It was amazing to watch him watch "your brain on porn"...He was nodding his head in agreement with so many of the "side effects".

He thinks it's just a bad habit he developed for distraction but can see the bad path it was taking him on. Sigh again. I really want him to come read the stories on this board. He is definitely a person that has very good self control and can change on a dime, but I just feel like from everything I am reading here he is underestimating the power of P.

Ya, I guess in re-reading this it is clear he is just trying to pacify me. But why bother pacifying me...That's what I don't get. Hmmm...this is where it would be helpful for the men to step in and help us understand.

32 years of marriage and finding out that for most of it you were not actually part of it fucking sucks!

As "Blondie" so eloquently puts it...FUCK PORN!
 

Badlands

Member
Honestly it’s because they are sociopaths , they learned this behavior and with it comes
Pathological lying , gas lighting and more.
i honestly am at a stand still , I’m not married to my man YET we we’re engaged and I put that on hold , because I can’t trust him, BUT on his defense he has EARNED trust back , he has zero social media without me being connected to it , there is no WhatsApp or Snapchat a person in a relationship doesn’t even need those apps since they were actually created to be a site for cheating . Most people don’t get that!
the apps are solely there for people who want to cheat and get away with it period. It’s not for your little friends and snapping back and forth it’s for discrete stuff. They may care what they do to us at some point but it seems it’s NEVER enough and fall back into this addiction. It’s not a bad habit he’s addicted to it and honestly I’d suspend all internet access unless he’s at work .
and yes they tell us what we want to hear and pacify us because this is the only reality they have other than that they have nothing , the women on the screen doesn’t care about him she’s not REAL. So they use our bodies for what they want and need at the moment , it’s actually really sick to think about but it’s fact. What will your husband have left if you leave? A divorce, his issues coming out , his family finding out ect . I mean 32 years of marriage is a LONG time that’s as long as I am alive.. of course he will pacify you .
mine legit deleted 5k people who followed him on Instagram and fb . Cause I had his bags packed he’s a tattoo artist so imagine that one 😏😏😏😏😏😏 girls message him to ASK him to cheat . And as bad as it sounds I kept every single thing that he’s done, every sex picture he sent and messages ect for the past 7 years! you wanna talk PI 😂 I went through every email every text screen shot everything and messaged every girl that was there. Sameeeeeeee scenario. and I told him I will expose you to all of everyone if you don’t get help. So ya I scared the fuck out of him cause he will be ruined 🤷‍♀️But it gave him the jump he needed to get fucking normal!
Also I have a daughter she ADORES him and he adores her so that was HUGE he doesn’t want to lose her either and she would be heart broken . We haven’t read any of the books honestly we are so fucking busy 😭 I want to read them but I feel like it won’t tell me anything that I don’t already know .
All I can say is if he’s worth it stick it out but honestly if he’s not all that then ✌️
I mean we can get any guy to dote on us and find us sexually attractive and actually have a hard Penis ….but it’s an issue with our actual men😏 that’s fucked up
I have noticed HUGE improvements even with communication he struggles Baaaaad with it but getting better 🖤
 

SoberRich

Member
I would avoid calling your SO a sociopath, although I can definitely understand and appreciate where your anger and vitriol are coming from. That builds a wall, a fortification between you and him that makes rebuilding your relationship harder. If he isn't clean and in recovery, by all means, but if he is in recovery then thinking that way will make rebuilding harder.

Sex gets better as he abstains from porn and learns to be in the moment. Hope things get better!
 

SoberRich

Member
It's also important to realize that porn causes sociopathic type behaviors itself. All addictions do. So your SOs behaviors are likely do to the porn and aren't a part of his personality.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
I want to read them but I feel like it won’t tell me anything that I don’t already know .
We both read them. It didn't really tell me anything I didn't know, but it validated my feelings (which was hugely important to me after the years of him saying "it's all in you head"), but more importantly HE was able to see that I wasn't over reacting and that this addiction can get be a very slippery slope.

I have to say, I am impressed with your idea of exposing him to the world. (Guess that's the leftover resentment talking)
 

Badlands

Member
It's also important to realize that porn causes sociopathic type behaviors itself. All addictions do. So your SOs behaviors are likely do to the porn and aren't a part of his personality.
This is what I was speaking about , so yes he is a sociopath and no he had tendencies since he was a young kid.
manipulation,lying, not really affectionate as a child nor as an adult . He knows he is and he is trying to change himself . Most people have some type of sociopathic tendency but some are worse than others . This addiction has definitely pushed him into the wrong direction and made it easier to creep in . Also P addiction and sociopathic characteristics are actually pretty scary … no one wanted to believe that Ted bundy and John Wayne gacey and many more were highly obsessed and addicted to P and the right mixture of it desensitized them to emotion to people and led them down the path of murder and rape… the psychological aspect behind this is actually huge.
not saying everyone who watches P will be so, but you won’t find a sexual sadist without the use of P directly in their lives.
Even men on here I’ve read they need more and more “thrilling” things after a while 😳😏 from hardcore PAIN to the woman of torture to animals and even same sex when they aren’t even gay.. I think this should be talked about much more than it has been.
I support my SO in what he’s doing and he’s doing well but I am not one to beat around the roses . If it walks like a duck it is a duck .
therapy and communication and really wanting to change will be the only thing he can do.
and so far kudos to my guy! But we are 2 months in and it has been much better and the sex is actual sex , not him dead fish bored out of his mind
 

Badlands

Member
We both read them. It didn't really tell me anything I didn't know, but it validated my feelings (which was hugely important to me after the years of him saying "it's all in you head"), but more importantly HE was able to see that I wasn't over reacting and that this addiction can get be a very slippery slope.

I have to say, I am impressed with your idea of exposing him to the world. (Guess that's the leftover resentment talking)
Lol yea I wasn’t playing around but at the same time shitty that I have to hold all your deep dark secrets in while he was killing me😏 but it makes me know I’m a good person cause I didn’t expose him lmao but I could have 🤷‍♀️ He always says it’s a “dog eat dog world “ and that I’m to kind , but I guess I’m the fucking alpha now huh!!!
 
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