“Maybe one day he’ll want me?”

I called this journal “Maybe one day he’ll want me?” because I guess that’s the hope I’m searching for here.
I’ve had healthy sexual relationships, with a lot of love, enough kink, and plenty of the gentle quiet intimacy that follows a sexual encounter between two healthy people in love who rely on one another (96-98% exclusively) for sexual satisfaction. I’ve experienced sexual abuse. I’ve experienced a relationship with a man with a severe P addiction, a weakness for strippers, and ED. I’ve experienced a man with intimacy problems that led to ED.
I now find myself in a relationship with a man who hasn’t ever had a relationship before and has relied his entire adult life on P. I tend to look down on people who pay for P because it seems like a waste of money, given the amount and variety of free content available - spending money to me means being overly invested. That is where I draw the line and say, “This is a problem.”
Maybe I could learn to live with the fact that he is a…. subscriber. What I cannot live with is the abnormal sex life we have. He is psychologically and physically so desensitized that he cannot achieve orgasm with me. PIED, or PIDO (P induced delayed orgasm - is that one of the acronyms too?)
I’m not used to NOT being able to satisfy a man. It’s crushing my ego, and I am losing interest in sex with him at all. It feels like a fruitless endeavor. It’s not as fun.
He can make (and does) make me come, but this one sided sexual relationship is just not for me. I thrive on being able to please the man I am with. We’ve discussed his problem some, and he has said that he recently stopped masturbating (presumably that means he isn’t watching P), and has noticed sensitivity returning.
He’s still far far too overstimulated sexually though. The video games he plays are full of doe-eyed huge-titted anime girls in basically no clothing. The memes he sends me are the most disgustingly sexually graphic things I’ve ever read. He’s just totally desensitized. I cannot even express the disgusting, sexually deviant and sexually violent stuff in these memes and he just…. Laughs at stuff that’s at its tamest as graphic as the gimp scene in Pulp Fiction. Every joke is sexual. For someone who doesn’t have a normal sex life, it’s like sex is just….. somehow so much of his personality, and not in any good or mature way.
It’s like being around middle school boys who mimic women’s orgasmic moans and giggle - it’s as though he hasn’t experienced sex as an adult. And realistically, he hasn’t! He said he’s never come with any woman. All he knows is porn, some number of one night stands, and now me.
I can’t compete with the girls in porn, and I don’t know how to tell him that I think we should stop having sex until he’s actually ready. Do I pull back or lean in? Does bringing it up at all out further pressure on him (when that is the last thing I want).
I care for him. I want to keep seeing him. I will never be as stimulating as what he can get with a credit card. And increasingly, I find that I am less sexually interested in him, and more creeped out by his extensive sexual knowledge without experience. Having sex with a man whose knowledge of sex comes primarily (damn near exclusively) from porn is…. Well let’s say it’s going to take a lot of course correcting.
(Just a side note for any gentlemen reading this that have been similarly educated - please do some research on your own. Those women are being paid to pretend to enjoy what is happening to them; not everything you see on screen actually feels good and some of it is just uncomfortable or painful (that ridiculous, just in and out jack hammering into a woman’s cervix with no other motion, for example).
Any words of encouragement (or information or even an attitude adjustment) are welcome. TIA.
 
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Onmyway19

Active Member
This is heartbreaking to read. I'm sure even more difficult for you to write. Ultimately you have to decide what your boundaries are and make them clear to him. Tell him your feelings, and show him any information or journals from here, to validate that. Not that you should have to validate how you feel to him, but as you said P has desensitized him to how actual real life relationships work. If you're both willing to put the effort in, it can be stronger than ever.

It's ultimately his reboot, that he has to want. You can suggest and imply until the cows come home, but if he isn't willing to see it for what it is, that's on him.

No woman deserves to feel she isn't good enough for her partner, or feel like they can't compete for their attraction. Set your standards and make them clear, and if he isn't willing to meet those standards, then it's his loss. Cold as that may be, you shouldn't give away parts of yourself because he isn't willing to meet those standards. You deserve your partners total attention.

It's taken me a majority of my life to see the light. Fortunately I have a partner that's shown grace and empathy throughout all the pain I've inflicted. Give him a chance to take the right steps, but don't lose yourself trying to save him. I wish you both the best in this difficult process.
 
This is heartbreaking to read. I'm sure even more difficult for you to write. Ultimately you have to decide what your boundaries are and make them clear to him. Tell him your feelings, and show him any information or journals from here, to validate that. Not that you should have to validate how you feel to him, but as you said P has desensitized him to how actual real life relationships work. If you're both willing to put the effort in, it can be stronger than ever.

It's ultimately his reboot, that he has to want. You can suggest and imply until the cows come home, but if he isn't willing to see it for what it is, that's on him.

No woman deserves to feel she isn't good enough for her partner, or feel like they can't compete for their attraction. Set your standards and make them clear, and if he isn't willing to meet those standards, then it's his loss. Cold as that may be, you shouldn't give away parts of yourself because he isn't willing to meet those standards. You deserve your partners total attention.

It's taken me a majority of my life to see the light. Fortunately I have a partner that's shown grace and empathy throughout all the pain I've inflicted. Give him a chance to take the right steps, but don't lose yourself trying to save him. I wish you both the best in this difficult process.
I really appreciate that validation! It’s tough as a female partner to want to be desired, want to meet his needs, and feel that I somehow fall short. Addiction is complicated. Behaviors are learned and have to be unlearned. I understand it all from a logical perspective, but that doesn’t take the emotional side away - the side of me saying,” Why can’t you just like me” and “why am I not enough?” It takes setting aside the ego.
but you are 100% right - can’t lose yourself in the process.
I’m willing to put in work. I’ve made some suggestions about how we can transition from his sexual satisfaction coming from… well, his “usual means” of the last decade plus, to involving me in some way (like hey, let’s start with me even being in the same room). If the only way for us to have a healthy sexual relationship is for him to walk away from P entirely (whether temporarily or forever)….. I guess that’s what scares me- I’m scared that given the options, I wouldn’t be what he chooses, or that he could verbally say he’s choosing me, but lie. The lie would be obvious to me because of the lack of intimacy that would accompany it. And somehow that would be even more unbearably painful than just hearing “ya know, you’re kind of a prude, and I’ve been fine this long just paying to see naked women. Don’t need you after all, and it’s over.”
it would hurt to lose him to porn if I gave him an ultimatum, but it would hurt much worse to deal with a secret being uncovered.
I appreciate the feedback and support. I really hope I can find some helpful resources in this community and find ways to talk about this issue without doing irreparable damage!! It’s SUCH a sensitive subject. Maybe the most sensitive for men since their sense of intimacy and of shame is so deeply connected to being physically accepted.
 
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