Starting again

[searching4good]

Have had a horrendously busy day - in the process of moving house and have been sorting stuff pretty much non stop since waking up.

Absolutely done in and tomorrow might be even busier, but finding some solace in managing to stay clean, actively avoiding taking notice of a couple of triggering pieces of media when finding YouTube content over a brief break earlier in the day.

First time I've gone 2 days in quite a while, which is pretty awful but also somewhat encouraging to be finding some motivation again. Will try to keep giving this my best shot.

 

[searching4good]

Day 3

Today was possibly the busiest and one of the - on the surface - most stressful days of my life. Am crashing into bed now - still amongst boxes, bags and general chaos - but pleased to say it's a clean day and the start of a new life chapter too. Onwards and upwards.

 

[searching4good]

Day 4

Not getting much time to post at the moment as things are so busy but pleased to have another clean day to report.

Some intrusive thoughts earlier with feelings that it would be very nice to put on the old comfort blanket, but managed to get past those, partly through spending time in company with a close friend.

Feels good to be building some momentum, and I'm finding myself actively looking forward to posting on here before I go to bed.

Keen to share more detailed thoughts but that will have to wait until I have some breathing space.

 

[searching4good]

Day 5

More intrusive thoughts this morning - the feeling that I'm 'missing out' on something really nice and soothing and exciting, by not giving in. But those thoughts went away as I got into the day, and were likely linked to a stressful work thing this afternoon that I was worrying about.

Still lots of life stresses going on too but managed to have an evening of getting a few things in order, which certainly helped with my mood.

Clocking in to report a clean day and about to put phone away for some bedtime reading and then hopefully a good night's sleep.

Lots to be thankful for and all things considered, I'm doing ok. Staying away from porn helps hugely with those feelings.

 

[searching4good]

Day 6

Fewer thoughts of porn today - definitely linked to less work stresses compared to recent days. Increasingly realising that work stress is a major source of temptation - largely as an escape mechanism - is incredibly revealing.

Cooked a meal for my new housemate and his GF tonight which was a really enjoyable thing to do. So much more rewarding than an evening spent watching porn, and so much more helpful - if I had spent even a fraction of the hours I've spent engaged in porn instead learning new recipes or techniques I would probably be a very dab hand in the kitchen! Something to reflect on.

Friday tomorrow and an opportunity to clock in my first porn free week in months. That's exciting.

 

[searching4good]

Day 7

I got home to see my parents today and it was really tough - my elderly father is recovering from an operation and he is not doing well at all. It's like it's aged him 15 years overnight and he's no longer able to go to the toilet by himself and can barely walk. It's quite upsetting to see him this way as he's clearly scared, and it's also upsetting to see the impact it's having on the rest of my family.

I had a good cry when I got upstairs to bed and it's helped a bit, but there's a lot more residual sadness attached to my family situation that I need to try and work through. I'm here for the whole weekend and I will have to try and find moments to get out and have moments where I can decompress a bit.

On the flipside, it's meant that a few intrusive thoughts I had this morning about possibilities to act out in the coming days/weeks were pushed really far from my mind, but I will try to be on my guard as they will no doubt resurface.

It's a week clean though, the first time I've managed that in a long, long time. Life is sure hitting hard now but I guess I can take some comfort that I'm doing my best to face into it and actually feel it, rather than being a numbed shell that's no good to anyone, least of all me.

 

[Blondie]

Sorry to hear about your father @searching4good. It's a hard thing to see someone age like that. I guess it's a stark reminder that were all heading in that direction one day, and that we ought to make the days given to us most fruitful.

You'll be in my thoughts.

Congrats on a week clean.

 

[searching4good]

Thanks @Blondie that means a lot. And yes you are right - my 30s are already accelerating on by, and it's sure as hell not going to slow down. How much we will regret all the time wasted to porn when it's too late to do anything about it.

 

[searching4good]

Day 8

Today was spent pretty much entirely caring for my dad - even with other family members around, it was fairly non stop. Either busy in the 'doing' of caring, or not able to relax, in anticipation of the next thing that he will need help with. I'm only here for a couple of days so am trying to do as much as I can, and it's hard to shake the feeling of guilt that I am leaving the others to it when I depart on Monday.

Because of how non stop it all was there wasn't really much time to even think about porn, although there were a few moments where my mind wandered to certain performers that would be 'nice' to fall back into. But it was helpful to also unpack the instincts of what makes it appear 'nice', and it doesn't take long to realise that it's just an illusory escape, and it won't help the real world situation one iota.

Life is sure not simple just now but staying clean is helping an awful lot, as is spending more time on these forums again, absorbing and reflections on the wisdom of others. Thanks to everyone who's posting, this really is a wonderful place.

 

[searching4good]

Day 9

Another day at home on caring duty. Felt a bit more 'normal', but still quite upsetting in moments to recognise the decline.

Day just ambled on by without too many thoughts of PMO, until cleaning my teeth and getting ready for bed that is, at which point a fairly seductive voice in my head flashed up the prospect of accessing websites on my phone.

I didn't do that and stayed strong, telling myself how much worse I would feel afterwards. I haven't had any orgasms in the past 9 days so I suppose part of me is now wondering whether MO might be something to consider in the next few days as a way of releasing the 'valve' and stopping myself feeling overwhelmed by thoughts of PMO. We will see, but it's a good reminder to stay vigilant and to be mindful of my thoughts.

Next week is the last full working week before Xmas and hopefully it should present me with a few opposition to unwind a bit with friends, before I come back home to provide more care support next week.

The first time in a long time I've closed in on double figures and it's a nice feeling of accomplishment if I'm being honest. One day at a time.

 

[searching4good]

Day 10

Not quite sure what to make of today. After last night's post musing on MO, I found myself waking up quite aroused first thing, in part prompted by a dream of accessing PMO. I found myself in bed on IG looking at some pictures on my feed that were definitely pretty provocative, but decided the 'less bad' option would be to MO to a picture of someone I used to get with IRL. It didn't take very long at all!

I definitely felt the chaser effect throughout the rest of the day, and found myself lingering again on my phone's IG feed, clicking on a few photos that were very risqué, very gateway into worse things.

Thankfully I pulled back from the brink and didn't go any further, and managed to have a much more nourishing evening without any more dangerous behaviour. Thoughts of PMO are lurking in the background though, so have to stay strong and keep reminding myself of how illusory its pull is, and how much worse my life becomes when I succumb.

Signing off nonetheless, just about, recognising that I've hit double figures for the first time in a long time. I'll give myself some credit for that and keep taking it one day at a time.

 

[searching4good]

Day 11

A few more tempting thoughts in bed this morning, but managed to act on them significantly less company to yesterday.

I then became consumed in my day - in the office and then out for dinner with old friends this evening. Very little time to even think about PMO.

Just getting into bed now, tired and potentially facing a slight hangover tomorrow but it was a very enjoyable time so worth it on balance.

Another clean day in the bank which is something to be thankful for.

 

[searching4good]

Day 12

Didn't sleep brilliantly last night and felt absolutely exhausted most of today as a result. Woke up fairly early and struggled to get back to sleep and found myself, just before I actually had to get out of bed, scrolling through IG again and looking at some fairly suggestible content. Not P per se, but scantily clad women who were likely using IG as a gateway to other stuff they have out there.

Managed to stop and dragged myself out of bed, and got on with my day, but I'm very mindful right now that the pull of PMO is lurking in the background. Having quite a few thoughts of 'maybe at this point/on this day' it would be more feasible for me to give in and 'reward myself'.

I'm trying to not linger on these feelings and just keep taking it one day at a time. The saving grace is that the next few days look so incredibly busy from a social perspective so may not have much time to myself, and go temptations, anyway. But I need to stay vigilant and keep reminding myself of how much worse my life is when I'm in the PMO spiral.

Hopefully things will get easier the longer I can keep this up.