Starting again

[GBS]

Hi @searching4good - those allegedly low bars are not low. They’re high. You’re a fucking hero for getting over them. Keep going man. You talk sense. You seem to have the ability to act sense. Keep going, mate. We have your back, we understand I promise you.

 

[searching4good]

Thanks @GBS it's made me feel 7 feet tall to read that. It's really kind of you to share, and means an awful lot.

Today has been another good day all things considered. I'm definitely turning over in my head the difference between counting days and trying to build up a 'streak', against the feeling that actually, I need to become someone who accepts that they never look at porn again. That porn just isn't something I do. It's been really helpful to mull over all the wisdom shared on Blondie's thread in that respect, and it does seem to be a real mindset shift required.

That said, I also don't want to start getting too far ahead of myself. Taking things one day at a time for now seems like the best approach.

And 4 days clean feels like a good place for me to be.

 

[searching4good]

Quick check in as I turn in for bed. Has been another clean day and generally felt very few urges. Work has been busy and I'm feeling down on myself in a few areas but I'm reminded that I'm so much more capable of managing these challenges effectively when I'm not binging and medicating with porn.

I'm really trying to explore this sentiment of moving away from counting days, and instead, instilling a narrative that I simply don't look at porn. No more, no less. I'm not explaining that very well but it's something I want to spend more time unpacking.

But for now, 5 days clean is feeling pretty good.

 

[searching4good]

Day 6

Wasn't able to post yesterday as I was away with friends in the evening but managed another clean day. I had time to myself in the morning and I had the strongest urges yet. If I had still had access to a laptop, truthfully, I may have struggled to resist them. But I managed to largely distract myself and get on with work and other bits. I've woken up today knowing I've had more drinks last night than I've had in a while but I wasn't too out of control, and am more tired rush anything.

I'm heading back home today and will have the afternoon and evening to myself. I'm under no illusion this will be my biggest test yet since my reset.

I'm trying to remind myself of how much more capable I am of managing life's pressures when I'm not binging, and how the urges do pass, despite how it feels in the moment.

I am capable of this.

 

[Blondie]

Hey, @searching4good. Nice job on almost a week clean and moving through your urges.

I am capable of this.

Yes, you are!

 

[searching4good]

I ended up falling off the wagon despite my best intentions. I had a rough week or so, lapsing back into habits.

That said, I'm now a week clean and this has coincided with meeting someone who I feel pretty darn excited by. I'll post more soon but wanted to check in and use this space to help anchor myself.

I'm at a fork in my life and I need to take the right path here.

 

[iampf]

Keep at it searching. I'm in a similar position - had some good run, and then last week have also fallen off the wagon.
I think we're of a similar age group - let's overcome this and replace this (P) with something far more satisfying (life) together.
Get back on the wagon.
Exciting yiou've found somone who you have a good connection with!!

 

[searching4good]

I needed to come on and post again. It's been rough since I was last on here. I have fallen back into the depths and things have escalated badly. Today has been particularly painful. Hours wasted and so much money spent on it too.

I'm too tired to post more but I have to hold on to tomorrow being a new day. It's clear I can't do this by myself. I need structure and I need therapy. I can turn my life around.

 

[iampf]

How you doing today Searching?
I am in a similar position. Replied to you in oct last year -> but have failed back too, particularly today for me. How have the last day or so been?
My plan: finish my book I'm reading, easypeasy, then head to read some other books and forums too ->, here, and perhaps YBOP. Focus on the solo tips as well as the success stories for the first week to get my spirits up. Then I might read another book or two.
I'm going to try some other tactics/techqniues have been thinking of, see how they go - before I share.
Hope you are ok, stay strong. I hope since your last post, you've been ok. We're in the same boat here.