Starting again

searching4good

Active Member
The last 24 hours have been spent with the lady - a lovely, genuine experience that in no way can ever be replicated by pixels on a screen.

Whatever happens with this relationship, it's a reminder that if I ever want to have something meaningful and real, I have to be clear of P and all of its toxic-ness. There is no way that I would have been able to be in the moment, to be intimate - physically - if I had recently consumed P. Instead, I was fully present, in awe of the womanly beauty in front of me.

She is the most wonderful woman and I am the luckiest man to be able to appreciate her. And if it doesn't last, then I know I will still be the better for her being in my life.

Signing off with a very clear mind. Tomorrow I start anew.

Day 12 ✅
 

searching4good

Active Member
As I approach the day counter when I had my last major slip (13/14), I wanted to reflect on the reasons for why I'm embarking upon this journey.

-I am not a fully functioning man when I am on P. I do not take care of myself, I do not plan well for the future, I do not feel all the ups and downs of life in a meaningful way. I am instead a shell that just 'exists'. What a tragedy that is when life is so precious and so short.

-I have so much warmth and goodness within me to give to friends, family and a life partner. I have that capacity within me to make the world a better place - as we all do - but I negate that reality when I am on P. As I've gotten older I've increasingly recognised that we carry a responsibility on our backs to realise the best versions of ourselves. It's a heavy responsibility and a lifetime of work, but it could not be more worthwhile. Yet, it's a responsibility that's entirely shirked when on P. I want to stand tall and proud at the end of each day and I cannot truly do that if P has been part of it.

-building on the above, I want to be the very best life partner I can be for whoever I hopefully end up with. I've read as many of the 'partners' threads on here that I can and I have found it heartbreaking to see the first hand reality of the grief and pain that P can inflict on a relationship. I have nothing but admiration at the candour and rawness with which people have shared their own stories and for me it only reinforces the importance that I get on top of this now before I inevitably become another contributer to this narrative, irreparably damaging a woman who has otherwise accepted me with an open heart.

-all my insecurities are worsened when on P. There is no way to have a healthy mind and a grounded outlook when we carry within us such intense shame and decay that P elicits. I can only see things clearly when I am clean.

-the nature of how I've used P in the last few years has meant that there has been a financial cost too. I've gotten a buzz out of paying for subscriptions and content, that has the potential to spiral out of control. If I want to have the ability to enjoy a secure financial future, P has to be a distant memory.

I will come back and add to these as I have more time. For now I will keep working on the life I want to have.
 

searching4good

Active Member
Thanks @Blondie - I'll never stop saying it, it's a hell of a lot easier knowing there's men like you who are fighting this fight with me.

Signing off on Day 13 ✅

Tomorrow I start anew.
 

searching4good

Active Member
So today has been both just another day but also a significant one as well. It's the first time since I was 19 that I've gone a whole fortnight without PMO, or even looking at P. That's 14 years - each day of this stretch symbolically represented by a whole year of my life. That's mad. And depressing. And telling.

I've kept myself busy - helping the parents clear out their storage unit, and spending as much time with the family as possible. I got to the 14th day a few weeks ago and slipped badly, and that was definitely on my mind a lot as I went about my business today. Sporadic thoughts of P drifted into my consciousness every now and then and it was a bit of an effort to shift them in all honesty.

I'm definitely finding myself questioning whether it will get easier - do those old compulsions and visceral memories start to lessen in their intensity and frequency? Does it become less of an active effort in one's recovery to stay alert and to not succumb? I really, really hope so.

Even though I haven't exactly been close to a slip, today is a sobering reminder of how deeply wired these habits are. As I approach the start of week 3 in some ways I'm now entering uncharted territory...but in many others ways nothing changes from the last 14 days. If I need to make my sobriety the number one goal of each day then I guess that's just what I'll have to do for the foreseeable, trusting that in time the process becomes a bit more secondary.

I'm mindful I have a lot of work I didn't quite get to over the weekend, and that I've had feelings of inadequacy and relationship fears creep into my headspace this afternoon as well. All of which are stresses and classic triggers for me to seek out that old, supposed comfort blanket and wrap myself in it to numb myself. Well that old habit didn't happen today and regardless of the fact I'm not feeling particularly good in myself right now, I can hold onto the fact that today was another day without P. Tomorrow I start anew.

Day 14 ✅
 
Hey man, it definitely does get easier with the porn cravings / flashbacks. The intensity ebbs and flows but even at its most intense post 90 days it isn't as bad as when you first quit. Keep with it
 

searching4good

Active Member
Right.... I ended up coming home from an amazing little trip with the new GF, felt so empty and bereft to be in my own company again that I ended up lapsing and looking at P for a couple of hours this evening to blanket the feelings.

Fuck - what was I doing. Like what the fuck. urgh... So angry and disappointed for the mistake.

I'm getting STRAIGHT back onto the horse. I've just had my longest streak in years. It WILL prove to be the building block to beating this for good. There is no other option.

I'm so sorry to everyone who's been supporting me. I promise to you and to me that I won't let this lesson go to waste.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @searching4good, it happens, there's nothing to say sorry about.
I'm getting STRAIGHT back onto the horse. I've just had my longest streak in years. It WILL prove to be the building block to beating this for good. There is no other option.
This is all you can do. Ask yourself why you relapsed, learn from it, then keep on moving!

That was a great streak, focus on that and not today. That's who you are now, not who you were today.

Best
 

searching4good

Active Member
Hey @Dungalef, thanks so much for checking in. Tbh it's been a pretty mixed few days, a couple of days clean and then a relapse. I was nearly 2 days clean again today but relapsed this evening. Pride stopped me from coming on here as I wanted to get a little run under my belt first... I know that's completely counter productive so I'm just diving fully back in here again.

I have to beat this now. I have too much to lose if I don't get a grip on it. Things are progressing so well with the girl I'm seeing but I'm at risk of throwing all that away. Throwing away my potential and my future happiness... potentially her's too, and lots of those around us when you think about the butterfly effect.

Thanks again @Beautiful1973 and @Blondie for your compassion.

Tomorrow will be a better day and I will check in here no matter what.
 

searching4good

Active Member
So ended up having a bit of a slip in the evening after a pretty good day...I'm counting it as a fail and am going to see tomorrow as day 1 again... Posting here to stay accountable and to try and get some kind of momentum again... To get back to where I was with my recent streak... I have to do it and I will not give up.
 

searching4good

Active Member
Thanks @Blondie - you're absolutely right and despite a far from ideal past week, I know that I'm not defeated, that I'm not quitting the fight.

Today has been spent in a state of tiredness, thanks to yesterday evening's slip. A heavy price to pay and a reminder of how damaging these lapses can be.

Despite that, it has been a much better day today. Last night gave me every opportunity to cancel on plans to be introduced to a friend of the lady's for drinks this evening but I made sure to follow through irrespective of the lack of energy... It felt like it went really well and I'm so so glad I did it. To think that I may not have done it because of P is pretty sickening. Cancelling may have been a small thing in itself, but when added together is the kind of pattern that can sink a relationship.

It feels like I'm back on the path - it's only 1 day, no more no less, but it feels good to be back here.

Day 1 ✅
 
Top