Just a quick post - some temptations when I returned home from work but managed to fixate on other things and they in time dissipated completely. Need to hold onto that for next time. Not having access to a laptop is a massive help as it removes the main trigger for me. The way I've used P over the years means I have very little interest in seeking it out on formats that don't involve sitting in front of a computer. I guess in some ways that's a good thing.
Feels like I'm grinding it out a little bit right now but that's ok. It's the same result at the end of the day, and hopefully will lead to smoother sailing once that momentum builds. An early (ish) night for me and tomorrow we go again.
Ended up having a very busy Friday - working from the office with barely a moment's downtime and then out with some friends for drinks in the evening. All very pleasant and meant that I didn't even have a chance for P yesterday, had I wanted to (which I don't think I did, despite a few fleeting thoughts).
Today, and this weekend, will represent the real challenge. I'm not hungover but I'm a little fuzzy and probably didn't get quite enough sleep. I also have an intentionally quiet weekend ahead of me as I need to recharge, which will mean a lot of time by myself. All big typical triggers for me...
I plan to keep myself busy with various things I haven't had time to get round to recently, as well as generally just spending some time on the sofa with a film/book.
I'm going to have to work hard at it this weekend but the prize is 2 more P free days, 2 more days of building resilience and a life that little bit further away from what has come before. Whatever tricks my brain tries to play on me, this is totally worth the struggle.
Hey @Dungalef - a big thank you again for taking a moment to stop by. Wow, what a lovely feeling.
Since my last post life has been hectic to say the least. Lots of work, a slip and a reset to the day counter (actually 2 slips) but also some really amazing developments with the girl I've been seeing. A couple of days ago she brought up where we were at and made it clear that she did feel ready for us to be official boyfriend and girlfriend, which was a pretty great feeling.
It's also helped to make absolutely clear in my mind, regardless of any bumps in the road between us in the future, that whilst we are together and making a go of this, that looking at P would 100% be cheating on her in some way. Before, even though things were going well I could almost tell myself - wrongly in retrospect - that maybe it wouldn't be because she didn't like me, because it was never going to get to a serious stage, etc etc...
That was bullshit. I owe it to her and to me to give this relationship my absolute all - to be the best version of myself that I can be for her and for the both of us. I'll post more tomorrow but for now I'm knuckling back down and pressing ahead again on the path. 4 days since my last slip and a newfound energy and sense of purpose to harness.
So... I ended up having a peek on my phone at some sites I would usually act out to. I didn't do anything with it, but I definitely stayed on longer than I should have done, and shouldn't have visited it at all in the first place.
On the one hand it's 100% not ideal behaviour, but on the other, I was able to step away from it and didn't even start to 'engage', to use a euphemism. So that's definitely something to acknowledge. In the context of my own recovery this doesn't feel like a full-blown slip, but it's a real warning sign that I'm not giving this my absolute all right now.
Still having some self-downer thoughts and am making myself too beholden to the sentiment of others - eg this relationship is still really early days and a few messages from the other half have given me opportunity to think the worst of things. It's almost certainly irrational thinking but it's again a reminder that I'm not working on my own self growth enough right now. That's the critical other side to my recovery from P and I've got to take more meaningful strides towards that.
Tomorrow is due to be spent with the lady and there's nothing to say it won't be another really fun day together. Heading to bed now and am ticking this off as another day of not falling back into old habits. JUST.
Very busy couple of days (again!). Yesterday was a great one though with the lady - meeting a few more of her friends and spending some quality time together. And having some more great sex. Talking purely physically for a moment, I still don't think that the size of my erections are what they were a couple of years ago, but I am able to get consistently hard and ejaculate fairly 'normally'. Recovery is obviously not all about the penis, but it's a good to know that increasingly staying away from P is bearing fruit in that department.
It feels the last couple of weeks the lady and I have really moved forwards a lot and are now on the cusp of what definitely has the potential to be really special. Potential however that I know full well can be fully wrecked by P.
Today was back to work and reality. This week is going to be pretty brutal and it's just a case of gritting my teeth and getting through it. On the plus, the fact that I've been so busy has meant that any thoughts of P have been a lot further from my mind. Let alone having the time to dwell upon them...
As I turn in for another day, I'm again at the 1 week mark of being clean. That's now the third time since I've really tried to take things seriously that I've got here. In some ways it shows how far I still have to go, but in others, it really is a sign of progress compared to where I was before. Going a whole week without P was pretty much a never event for me. So to have 3 in relatively short succession is significant. And even though the streaks aren't where I want them to be, when I add up all those days together, I must be getting on for 30+ days without P in the past couple of months. That's DEFINITELY progress for me. Like big time.
As I keep at this, I've got to have faith that things will start to click and build in a meaningful way. I've got to keep putting in the work and taking things 1 day at a time... But I'm also recognising that I am making progress.
If staying clean is the only thing I achieve with my day, then hell, I'll take it right now. I'll keep fighting away.
Just to quickly follow up the previous post... It's not exact but having had a quick go at counting it all up, I reckon I've got circa 43 clean days in total since the beginning of September. That's pretty cool. Considering where I was before, I AM making some real, quantifiable progress. And there's a hell of a lot more to come...
Quick post as work was super hectic, 12 hour day and big meeting pressures and deadlines. Exhausted, but the upside is that I have had even less of a chance to dwell on any intrusive P thoughts, of which there haven't been any of today anyway really.
Working from home tomorrow which will be more of a test but right now, despite the tiredness, I'm feeling strong. One day at a time and keep working away. That's all I can do for now.
Quick check in - I ended up slipping the next day after my last post. About to head out for the day so just posting for accountability and to get myself back on the path.
Short lesson is that I had an extremely stressful few days of work and became completely overwhelmed with deadlines and pressure to get deliver. Rather than face into it I let myself seek escape and 'comfort' from P. Several times. It needless to say exacerbated the situation and meant that I had a couple of very late nights, compounding things the next day.
There are a lot of lessons for me to absorb here and I'm really going to think through them and put a plan in place tomorrow. For now I'm off to spend the day with friends and staying overnight which I know will mean no opportunity to relapse again, even if I wanted to.
Coming up to the end of day 2 - weekend was a mixed bag. Brilliant Saturday followed by a pretty cruddy Sunday, which involved a slip. Again.
I haven't been very active on here the last few days but I've been working hard at a personal level on getting back on the path and trying to instill good behavioural patterns again. Yesterday and today have been good days as a result and I've been feeling that post slip clarity high. From the experience of recent weeks I know that won't last and I've got to keep working hard and taking things day by day. Will try to reflect more on where I'm at tomorrow. For now, it's good to be back and remembering why I'm doing this.
Had a bit of a spat with the GF today - the first since we've started seeing each other. All resolved by the end of the day but I noticed how strong the urge was to wrap myself in that old comfort blanket and not 'feel' the hurt and worry. God, it was a real reminder of how much P has been a form of medication and avoidance for me over the years.
I managed to get past that urge when I got home and instead busied myself in the kitchen and doing some general housework. Just 'doing' was what was needed for that urge to pass, and then, lo and behold, I felt better for it and was in a good headspace to talk things through and patch things up over a phonecall. The alternative would have been avoiding the call, getting myself into a terrible headspace, staying up late in front of the laptop and then compounding everything into a much worse situation.
Today was exactly the kind of fork in the road moment that by itself might not seem the most significant, but is the sort of thing that stacks up and up. Making more of those right decisions also compounds in a positive way and gets me closer to the relationship I want to have and the person I want to be.
Have got to keep taking things day by day but it's another 24 hours without P and that makes it a success regardless.
I've again not been on here regularly enough. And again this is partly because of a slip on Thursday and then again on Friday morning. I can 100% relate this to feeling intense work related stress - an overwhelming deadline that I faced away from and used P to facilitate that.
I've however done my best to get straight back up again and am clocking off at the end of day 3. I'm keeping on making mistakes but I'm taking encouragement from keeping on also fighting this. I am heading in the right direction, there's just a few speedbumps in the way. I have to learn from these - that's the key. Heading to bed - tomorrow WILL be another good day.
Today has been a good day. Living life - seeing the GF and friends, getting back late and being tired, but from wholesome, sociable things, rather than from staring at the computer screen and being brainless for hours and hours.
Got home from work this evening, spent a couple of hours of low key time on the sofa. Found myself having a peek at an old subscription site on my phone which was definitely dangerous, but managed to tear myself away and not act on it any further. I definitely shouldn't have done it but I'm counting as a small win overall by managing to control the urges and step back.
No PMO for 6 days now - I need to double down on this current streak and work at increasing its purity and putting the building blocks in place that can lead to more meaningful recovery. That means getting back into the gym, eating better and progressing life things that I've been putting off for various reasons.
I am on the right path and I've got to work so so hard to stay on it, no matter what. No matter what...
Posting at the end of day 7 meaning I've again gone a week without acting out. Considering I could barely string a couple of days together when I first started, this is definitely another sign of general progress, even if the long streaks aren't quite there yet.
I definitely had some temptations this morning, which were partly triggered by the prospect of a pretty hectic day with lots of work pressures to navigate. Today has been a lot but I'm proud that I didn't act on any of those pulls. Instead, I faced into it all and had a productive and broadly successful Friday.
I'm now absolutely exhausted after an evening with friends but am feeling content that I might be building some momentum here. Excited to see what tomorrow brings.