Starting again

[searching4good]

Just a very quick one to say I'm back from my trip - had lots of opportunities to slip but I didn't have any inclination to do so and am heading into day 7 tomorrow as a result. I literally haven't had a moment to post properly but I'm going to catch up on here tomorrow. Lots of life updates to try and get down and make some sense of. Some good, some confusing.

But most importantly I'm on the path and have a great opportunity to keep building some momentum.

 

[chap]

Just a very quick one to say I'm back from my trip - had lots of opportunities to slip but I didn't have any inclination to do so and am heading into day 7 tomorrow as a result. I literally haven't had a moment to post properly but I'm going to catch up on here tomorrow. Lots of life updates to try and get down and make some sense of. Some good, some confusing.

But most importantly I'm on the path and have a great opportunity to keep building some momentum.

that’s awesome! congrats on the new one week milestone, i just hit my week too! let’s make it two!

keep yourself occupied, pmo is not an option! cheerio!

 

[searching4good]

I've had a rough week or so since I posted here last. On the verge of making it to a week, I slipped, slipped again, and again...(etc...). Last week was rough. Late to bed, not enough sleep, low moods, not applying myself at work, lower moods and increased stress because of that. And more besides.

I'm now coming to the end of 3 days clean having managed to tear myself away and get back to see the parents for a few days. It's been a much needed reset, getting some perspective back on where I am and where I need to get to. Whilst I still haven't been quite as productive as I probably needed to these past 3 days, they've still been a damn sight better than what came immediately before, so that's something. Today I felt an urge to 'have a peek' on my phone but I resisted, so that's something too. I've spent a lot of time reading the forums today about various milestones some people are marking and it's honestly fantastic to read. The transformations and the sense of achievement. It's a reminder that that's what I want, and need, for myself too.

Tomorrow I'm in the office and then seeing my lady for the first time in a few days so that's something I'm looking forward to, and it means it'll be another clean day. I won't get a chance to post much until Sunday now probably but I really wanted to get back on here and try to get into some kind of groove again.

I'm still fighting and I'm still mindful of the shit I need to sort. Tomorrow can be another positive step towards that.

 

[Androg]

Stay strong!

 

[chap]

i’m right with you @searching4good , let’s get our groove back on together! i’ve been having slips too. the chaser effect is in full swing—recognizing that helps remind me that slips are bound to happen especially after a relapse.

you make a good point about a lack of sufficient rest and stunted emotional and cognitive behavior. when those are out of place, i believe it is much easier to slip and regress back to our maladaptive ways—the very thing we’re so adamant of erasing from our lives. your mind and body are so important, we must do what we can to take care of it and treat it right!

kudos to your three days clean, and great job fighting the urges. lately, i’ve completely given in to them. so reading this is reminding me to remember that we have to fight back, we can’t let it win so easily.

keep trying. progress is made choice by choice, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, etc. *fist bump*

 

[searching4good]

Thanks @chap for checking in, it always means a lot to know that others are keeping track in some way. And yes, let's totally get that groove on together, love it!

Just a quick post at the start of day 5 - today will be a good day and a day without PMO. This is all.

 

[chap]

let’s go! kill it!

 

[searching4good]

I've been really struggling since my last post... Slipped back into old ways and have completely fallen off the path. Binged and have stopped taking care of myself. Emotionally and physically. This is the first time I've come back on here in a week and I've got to snap myself out of this.

The first step of this is going to be tomorrow morning when I wake up, by removing the personal laptop currently in my flat which has been my gateway to relapsing. I just cannot have that temptation in my home, especially when I live alone. At least not yet anyway.

I've got to stop this and get to a better place. I don't know what else to say for now.

 

[Androg]

Glad you're taking steps to pull out of the nose dive. It's a cunning addiction, and it's good to try to outsmart it. ;-)

 

[Blondie]

Hey @searching4good, you have this man.

Not too long before my last streak started, I blew it, then just took a nosedive into the filth for a few weeks. It was terrible. It's not a pretty place to be, but we've all been there. You can get out of it, but you have to believe you can first, and then just make it happen.

Best to you.

 

[chap]

hey @searching4good i was where you were a week ago. kudos to you for taking the measures to prevent the relapses from occurring.

remind yourself to treat yourself kindly and with grace. this is probably my toughest battle to fight, and i think we can all agree, it’s our toughest battle.

adding to what blondie said, we have to believe in ourselves. believe that we are the men we want to be.

you got this!

 

[searching4good]

Thank you all so much. As always. Your words were exactly what I needed to hear and give me strength.

It hasn't been a perfect few days as I have peeked at a few websites, but as mentioned in my previous post, I no longer have access to my personal laptop which has meant by hook or by crook, I haven't had any PMO in 3 days. Truthfully, I don't think that would have been the case if my laptop was still here and working, but either way it's given me a chance to pause and reboot. Sometimes to cling onto...

A lot to work on but hopefully I'm moving slowly in the right direction again, or at the very least, no longer so obviously in the wrong direction. I'm getting an early night and am hopeful that tomorrow will be another small step towards a better reality for me.

Hoping everyone else is taking care and doing well.

 

[searching4good]

I've been away for too long and have been really up and down in the last few months, unfortunately with a lot more 'downs'. I've been drifting and normalising porn use again. Slipping into really bad old habits and veering into self-destructive mindsets and routines. Completely jeopardising my potential and ability to find contentment. it happened again today. For whatever reason, afterwards I resolved that regardless, I will get back on here and post something, anything, to at least try to salvage something from the day.

So this is really what this is - trying to jumpstart the self to try and get me back onto the journey to a better place.

Tomorrow is a stressful day with big meetings and deadlines, and i have an early start to try and give me enough time to get my prep done. I fucked a good chunk of today up but the positives are that I am here, I am getting an early night rather than staying up until 2am corrupting myself, and I am reflecting on my behaviour and trying to push forward, again. This is all for now.

 

[Blondie]

I've been away for too long and have been really up and down in the last few months, unfortunately with a lot more 'downs'. I've been drifting and normalising porn use again

This happens @searching4good, but you came back here which says a lot about you. Just get back up and keep on moving, that's all we can do.

Do you have anyone that you could reach out to in your personal life that could keep you accountable? I know for myself that has really kept me in order.

Best

 

[searching4good]

Thanks @Blondie - what a source of comfort you are. Bless you, truly. And I'm keeping on trying. The last few days have been a bit of a setback, more of the same. Today included. But I'm still posting and not giving up.

You're right that I really do need to open up to someone. I have a person in mind and will ponder the best way to open up to them. Alongside this I increasingly recognise that I really need to engage in proper therapy. I'm making the same mistakes and repeating the same patterns and am really getting a sense now of how much of this is rooted in some kind of block about facing into things. Rather than doing things that need to be done or facing into difficult decisions and/or actions, I chronically avoid them, mediating myself with P and detachment. But that's slowly killing me, it really is.

So they are 2 things and I'm making a commitment to myself to move both of them forward materially within the next fortnight. More tomorrow, for now it's really time for bed.

 

[Androg]

Try staying away from your phone except for fixed periods. It's too easy to distract yourself first before digging into a project (and then never getting to it...again), rather than getting something done first, and then rewarding yourself for a job well done.

 

[searching4good]

Just a very quick one to acknowledge today was a clean day and a good day. Going to bed recognising that is a good feeling.

 

[Blondie]

Rock on @searching4good.

 

[searching4good]

Porn has been kicking my ass recently, it really has. I've been letting it do it as well. It's felt like my drive to beat it has fallen away, me putting in the work has stopped and I've fully slipped into old habits, visiting old sites and willingly spending horrifying amounts of money on subscriptions, chatrooms and the like. It was my birthday last weekend and as I hit my mid-30s, I realise time is running out to turn this around. It's only going to get harder the longer I let things fester.

I've also realised that I really cannot do this by myself. The last (inset number of years) has fully proven that. The longest I've managed to steer clear by my efforts is a little over 2 weeks. That's it. Not that it's necessarily all about steaks, but, it's pretty sobering nonetheless.

With these thoughts gradually converging in the last month or so, I finally started looking into therapy. I contacted someone who's profile resonated with me a little more and I had my first session today. It was only 50 minutes and it was naturally a fairly exploratory discussion, without me actually mentioning porn itself, but we talked a lot around it (i.e. my damaging behavioural patterns and what I want to get out of this process) and I suspect that it won't be long until I feel comfortable/brave/ready etc to bring it up specifically.

I don't know exactly how this process is going to go and how I will respond to it, but I do know that today felt like a really important milestone. It felt good in itself and it gives me a renewed sense of hope that maybe I am able to alter my future in respect of this corrupting, damaging addiction I've let into my life.

I hope that getting back on here and having consistency with my posting will go hand in hand with my therapy, and I will continue to try and put in place better habits and the structures I know I need to get to where I want to be.

I'll leave it there for now, and be thankful for today.

 

[downhillfromhere]

Brilliant stuff man. The only way out is to do something about it today, to make an effort and you have done just that. Seeking help is such a great thing to do for yourself too - let’s face it, there is no point in going through something like this alone. Keep us posted