Starting again

searching4good

Active Member
Today has been spent with friends, living life and doing wholesome things. It's noticeable how good it feels to be in the moment without that lingering guilt that a recent P binge generates - casting a shadow over my time long after the initial 'hit' has worn off.

Getting to the end of another day without P feels great and I've got to keep putting in the work to make this into a permanent shift, regardless of what else is going on. I'm moving in the right direction and good things will come of it.

Signing off for now and ready to go again tomorrow.

Day 8 ✅
 

searching4good

Active Member
Day 0

It's been a mixed week and definitely a bad few days. I lapsed again today and realise I have got to dig really deep to start again. I do have progress to draw on and without doubt so much to fight for. Tomorrow is the start of the next chapter. Actions not words.
 

searching4good

Active Member
I'm back on the path. I had to dig a little deep today to make sure that was the case, but - and to be kind to myself after a few days of not being so - I did well.

Trying to put back in place a few things that have slipped in my routines since I fell off circa a week ago.

There's a lot of change going on in my life right now and I need to find the time to get some of it down here. In short, I'm again at a fork in the road and one way has the potential to lead to a truly wonderful future. It's on me whether I take the right path, and if I do the hard work to stay on it. I really want to. Tomorrow is the next step on that path. Exciting!

Day 1 ✅
 

searching4good

Active Member
Thank you so much @Beautiful1973 - I've been reading about your yoga experiences and the line you have hopefully drawn in the sand with your ex. You are such a ray of light on here and you really do deserve contentment. I truly hope you find it.

As for my fork... It's been a few months now with the GF and things have moved forwards quite considerably in the last few weeks. The 'L bomb' was dropped by her a few days ago and she's made it quite clear that she sees a future with me. Like - a marriage and forever kind of future. Who knows if it will come to pass but what I do know is that hearing those words made me so happy and that I do really hope to have that future together with her too.

What's also clear is that I absolutely do not want to be bringing the toxicity and deceit of PMO into that kind of thing. I just do not want to be that man. With all the stories I've been reading on the partners forum in the last few months it's abundantly clear to me that the way in which I have consumed P in recent years runs completely counter to the ability to truly give myself to another human. A human who deserves to be loved unconditionally and with a purity of heart, as we all do.

This feels like the moment I have to really, REALLY buckle down and get this thing beat. No more putting things off and downplaying the severity of the situation. There is a beautiful future potentially in front of me and it's to a large degree up to me whether I choose to seize it. There's lots more swirling around my mind but I'll return to it tomorrow. Now it's time for bed. Tomorrow is another step on the path.

Day 2 ✅
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
You are such a ray of light on here and you really do deserve contentment. I truly hope you find it.
Thank you @searching4good what a lovely thing to say and I really appreciate it.


What's also clear is that I absolutely do not want to be bringing the toxicity and deceit of PMO into that kind of thing. I just do not want to be that man. With all the stories I've been reading on the partners forum in the last few months it's abundantly clear to me that the way in which I have consumed P in recent years runs completely counter to the ability to truly give myself to another human. A human who deserves to be loved unconditionally and with a purity of heart, as we all do.
This is wonderful acknowledgment, just be aware not to put too much pressure on yourself and cause yourself further overwhelm…… small steps.
I think you know which path you want to choose, and I wish you all the best on your journey.
 

searching4good

Active Member
Thank you @Beautiful1973 - these were very prescient words as it turned out.

So after my last post I got back to my house on Sunday after a few days away and despite everything I said in my last 2 posts... I ended up slipping. It was a combination of having some anxiety about returning to work, an afternoon without structure and convincing myself that I should just enjoy 1 more 'session'. Suffice to say I felt pretty shitty about it and it was a really bad way to start what was a pretty hectic week with lots of work and social pressures.

That said, I've managed to draw a line under it and am now coming up to the end of day 5 of the latest reboot effort. I'm trying to put in place more healthy patterns in my mindset and in my days and am feeling pretty good all things considered. Indeed, I've spent today hungover having had some Xmas drinks with friends last night and that's usually a huge trigger for me. However, I've steered clear of old habits and have spent the day just lazing around and being 'normally' hungover. So that's definitely a win.

I'm winding down for the evening so will stop there for now but wanted to get back on here quickly as I've been looking forward to marking what has been a successful few days...

Day 5 ✅
 

searching4good

Active Member
Very busy weekend and didn't get a chance to log on here as was in company the whole time. Which in retrospect is great. Will be back alone this evening and therefore will need to double down to avoid any triggers. But things are going well - a week down and I'm on the path.

Day 6 ✅
Day 7 ✅
 

searching4good

Active Member
Further to the above...Test of being alone this evening sincerely passed. A good day - productive at work, caught a friend for a bit in the evening and got back to eat an ok dinner and tick a couple of life admin things from the list. In bed before 10pm and journalling on here. A small part of my brain feels that it missed out on that 'euphoria' associated with P but I'm trying my hardest to remind myself that that feeling is just an illusion. And that everything above is so much more meaningful and healthy than the alternative could ever actually be.

I'm getting towards the point where I lapsed last time but I'm hopefully able to draw on more inner strength and recent experiences to keep on going. Life is blowing a bit of a gale right now but having the constant of abstinence to fall back to is a really reassuring anchor and as a consequence, is making everything that much easier to navigate.

I keep thinking of the approaching end of year and the state of reflection it encourages, alongside the natural pull to think of resolutions for the year ahead. I also think of 'if not now, when'... And by that I mean, how wonderful it would feel to start 2023 with those good habits already well on the way to being formed. To start the new year with my longest streak under my belt, to be on the cusp of 30 days sobriety for the first time since I even knew what P was.

Well to get there I've got to keep taking it one day at a time, slowly building that momentum and strength. Today was one of those such days. I am thankful for that and will endeavour that tomorrow is one such more.

Day 8 ✅
 

searching4good

Active Member
Frustrating to come back here to acknowledge another slip happened on day 9. I seem to be in a real cycle of building up a run of circa 10 days, slipping, and then taking another 2-3 days to find my way again. This most recent skip happened due a combination of reasons I think - work stress, feelings of inadequacy and realising that a personal laptop I thought was fully broken actually somehow was still functional. I ended up not being able to look past all those things and fell off the wagon as a result.

The weekend has however been spent entirely with the lady which has meant 3 days of not being by myself and being away from temptations. We had a bit of an argument today about something that probably shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did but it's left me feeling a bit flat and emotionally drained either way. Its a reminder that so much of what drives to P is the coping mechanism and the emotional fragility I have within me, and which I obviously still need to work on big time.

It's something I need to reflect more on but just wanted to come back on here quickly to try and get back into positive habits. Telling myself that I need to put the work in to see results.

Off to bed now - tomorrow is the start of a new week and a new chance to make real growth.

Day 3 ✅
 

searching4good

Active Member
Today wasn't a good day - I'm not in a good place right now with the relationship or in myself, as a development from yesterday has triggered a few things. It culminated in 2 slips which needless to say compound how I then felt.

In a crumb of comfort, I got to the gym in the evening and am feeling slightly more positive about things tomorrow - largely in terms of working through a long work and life to do list.

I've also resolved to come on here and acknowledge what happened today, in the hope that it sets me on a better course for the morning. I'm not lost yet but god, I've sure as hell got a lot of work to do. No better time than tomorrow to start it I guess.
 

searching4good

Active Member
Quick check in as it's late. Had another slight tiff with my partner which hasn't made me feel great. And has led to some overthinking. But I spent the evening chatting to a friend and generally putting things in perspective which has helped a lot.

I also feel good that I didn't revert to the old comfort blanket, which I know would have made me feel so bad. Hopefully will be able to get a good night's sleep as tomorrow is a busy one.

All in all, a small step but it's on small victories that real growth comes. I'll try to keep that in mind as much as I can.

(The forums have helped hugely today - thank you to everyone)
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Great work! For me at least, those days when there's relational tension can be so hard.

It may be a small step, but small steps are huge, especially at the early stages.
 

searching4good

Active Member
Pulled myself back from the brink this evening. Found myself opening up old tabs on my laptop and going on autopilot, but just about managed to snap myself out of it. Far from ideal but I'll take some positives that the willpower kicked in and I had enough clarity to realise this wasn't what I wanted at all.

A few things 'led' to this - I slept abysmally last night as I woke up at around 2am and had recurring, intrusive thoughts about the argument with the gf. Could not switch my brain off and reckon I got 3-4 hours sleep tops. Needless to say that put me in a bit of a funk, was unproductive at work and didn't make it to my exercise session in the evening.

At the risk of stating the obvious...Sleep really is critical to setting up a good next day. Have got to keep that in mind and put in place better evening structures.

To return to the positives, things are broadly patched up with the gf, I managed to get a few life things done this evening and I'm in bed just gone 10, which is the time I'm targeting moving forwards.

So all in all a mixed bag. But, I'm still just about on the path, and tomorrow is a chance to take a much firmer step towards where I know I need to be headed.
 

searching4good

Active Member
Didn't get a chance to check in yesterday as was with my partner all day and having a lovely time out and about with good company.

Today however I was hungover and found myself opening up old tabs on my laptop when I got back to my own flat. As with Wednesday, I again managed to pull myself back from the brink and shut things down before I went all the way, but it was definitely far from ideal and quite problematic behaviour.

In the truest sense I think I know it counts as a slip, but I'm taking solace from the fact that I managed to pull myself back again. And that I'm back on here and taking stock of things. I know I need to keep going and remember why I'm doing this. I'm now back at home with the family for Xmas which should give me a real reset opportunity - a chance to recharge batteries and build some momentum again. All in all I know I am on a better trajectory than I was a few months ago, but it's frustrating things still aren't fully clicking into gear yet. But it will come - I know it. And it's going to be so brilliant when it does. Getting an early night and looking forward to tomorrow.
 

searching4good

Active Member
Thanks as always @Dungalef, it means a lot to have your support here.

So today has been a good day on the whole. At home with the family for Xmas and it's been spent eating well, getting a good exercise session done and generally resting and recharging.

A calmer state of mind has come to pass and I've been able to reflect a little more on the last few months. Whilst I still haven't been able to get a longer streak under my belt, I've had more clean days than not in the last 4 months, which, considering what recent years have looked like for me, is something to recognise and be pleased with.

I desperately want PMO to be my past and something that no longer has a hold on my emotions and coping mechanisms. I no longer want it to hold me back in life and cast its dark shadow over my very being. What's apparent, based on the last few months at least, is that I seem to be able to get to around the fortnight mark on willpower alone, but I probably need a little more to go beyond that. So I'm going to work on putting more structures in place so that I'm better prepared for when the urges do resurface, as well as try to be more proactive in building healthier habits and new past-times. Alongside all of this is a deep realisation that I need to work on my sense of self-compassion, both in terms of how I talk to myself throughout the day, as well as putting more time into mapping out the kind of life I want to live - in the long and short term.

Lots to think about, lots to put into action. Looking forward to tomorrow and another brick in the wall.
 
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