Starting again

searching4good

Active Member
Xmas day today and another day without PMO. I've been thinking about whether this is day 2 of this latest stretch of simply another clean day in the bank... Of course it's both, but in some ways it helps thinking it's the latter, with there being less pressure somehow attached to it. It's kind of like... If I want a future without PMO, then does it matter if it's day 2 or day 200. Yes and no, but right now I'm not feeling a need to go with overt day counters and that's absolutely fine. I'm going to embrace it and see how it works out.

Today brought a few fleeting moments of sadness and negative voices in my head about certain things (e.g. how I look, how I weigh up against others) but those passed eventually and lighter feelings replaced them. I think this is going to be a bit of a cycle but the most important thing is that I don't try to medicate them with P but, instead, acknowledge and process their existence. That side of things is going to go hand in hand with my recovery and it's going to be a lifetime's work to get the inner me to be kinder.

For now, I'm acknowledging a good 24 hours. I'm also grateful for going into tomorrow with an amazing opportunity to build on it with a little more.
 

searching4good

Active Member
I've felt sad and low for most of the day. My skin is playing up and it's made my inner demons go into overdrive a bit..."you look horrible, you're too short, whatever you have with your girlfriend won't last because she's going to find someone better...etc etc...".

It's been quite exhausting to be honest and has left me feeling pretty despondent and insular.

Despite all of that, I did drag my butt to the gym and most importantly, had as pure a day as they come when it comes to PMO.

Hopefully my mood lifts a bit tomorrow but either way, P isn't the answer and will only make things worse. I've just got to face into whatever this is and keep putting one foot in front of the other. That's all for now.
 

searching4good

Active Member
Thanks as always @Dungalef. And as always, right back at you too.

Today has been a lot - started the day again feeling low, although this quickly got consumed by various family stresses. Feel pretty wiped but the main thing is that I'm still facing into the storm and trying to move through it all.

Another clean day and a pure one of thought. These last 4 days have been hard work at times but they have all been good days to bank in the recovery. I also made it to the gym again and am starting to build up some momentum with my fitness. God knows that's been needed.

That's all I have the energy to write for now - despite it all, it's a good feeling to go to bed knowing that I'm still on the path. Tomorrow is another opportunity to keep moving forwards.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
@searching4good what’s going on with your skin sweetheart, I’m a Skin Therapist, I might be able to help?

Also, could I suggest you listen to some positive affirmations to combat your negative self talk. You need to tell yourself that you are enough, that you deserve her, that she wants you….. I’m speaking from experience, my man pushed me away for exactly the same reasons…. for what, to end up going back on dating sites to try and find someone else like me🥲 good luck to him with that one!
 

searching4good

Active Member
Thank you as always @Beautiful1973, it means a lot.

Another crazy day at home with lots of stresses but I've been keeping busy and have moved a few life admin things forwards.

Most importantly it's another day clean. That's day 5 now if I'm counting (which I am and I'm not). Tomorrow is going to be more of a test as I'm due to have some alone time, but I'm feeling relatively strong and am ready to fight if any destructive thoughts come into my head.
 

searching4good

Active Member
Last couple of days have been a lot - life is hectic for several reasons and I barely got any sleep. Haven't been able to take care of myself these past 48 hours and I don't feel good for it.

Despite that, I've had another clean day and am on course for hitting the one week mark tomorrow. These past 6 days have been really intense - whilst there haven't been lots of cravings or temptations, I feel like I've had an emotional wrecking ball thrown at me and I'm wiped out from it.

The most important thing though is that I'm having 'real' days - this is what life is. It's hard. It's not always fair. And you have to play the cards you're dealt as best you can. No matter how difficult the day is nor how much it takes out of me, there's a satisfaction from knowing that I haven't falsely tried to medicate myself via PMO. And with that I'm signing off and looking ahead to what tomorrow will bring.
 

searching4good

Active Member
So I've made it to day 7. For various reasons that I won't go into her for the purposes of anonymity, this has been one of the most intense weeks I can remember. Part of that has been as a result of external factors, and part has been because of what's going on inside my head. The fact that I've stayed completely away from P however has meant that I've felt each component as fully as I ever have.

That's made it more difficult at times but it's also meant I've truly been able to process things and grow through them. I've surely got my shit to sort out but fuck, I'm clearly already in a better space than I was a week ago. Which draws to think, if I can have this intensity of feeling and growth in this period, imagine where I could be in 30 days, in 90 days...with a lifetime of recovery behind me...

The potential in each of us is just incredible and the tragedy of life it seems to me is how rarely that it's realised. I'm of course scared that I'll succumb to old habits when the holiday period is over and 'normality' resumes but I've got a well of strength within me to draw upon and with each day, that well gets a little deeper.

Thank you to everyone who are sharing their stories and here's to the impending new years giving us all a shot in the arm.

Day 7 ✅
 

searching4good

Active Member
I haven't been active on here for a few days. I ended up getting to double figures but then had a moment of weakness, which ended up being repeated the following day. I've been thrown off the course and am feeling the effects of it but have an opportunity now to get back on track.

Tomorrow is the start of that and I will remain positive. I am still here and am still fighting.
 

searching4good

Active Member
Today has been a busy day and I am quite exhausted. Work was full on and I have had a lot of life tasks to get through as well. That said, I have ticked off a fair few things on the list and am looking ahead to a busy, but hopefully fruitful weekend. Most importantly, it's the end of a day without PMO.

I definitely need to take things one day at a time again, but I'm also reflecting on the fact that a bit of a pattern is emerging - I'm consistently getting to day 8, 9 and 10 and then falling off for a couples of days, before getting back on the wagon. Now compared to where I was this time last year, it's definitely progressions of a kind, but I also need to find a way to break through this plateau and embed a much longer duration of abstinence.

In my last streak I didn't really get round to working on routines and structures that could both support my abstinence, as well as serve the dual purpose of enriching my life.

Despite the weekend ahead being very full, I will do my absolute best to finding at least some time to start plotting out a few things in this regard.

For now, I'm thankful for today and looking ahead to tomorrow with a positive mindset.
 

searching4good

Active Member
Didn't get quite as much of my list done today as I would have hoped - largely as a result of other family duties coming up, and generally feeling exhausted all day. Wondering whether I had a bug about to surface, however I've had a chilled evening and I'm feeling a bit better (touch wood).

Noticed a few urges coming into my head but managed to not give them any serious consideration and felt good for it. It's only a day but on such small victories progress is achieved.

Am signing off now, hoping for a good sleep and looking forward to tomorrow. Take care all.
 

searching4good

Active Member
Right... I got back to my flat on Sunday after a few days away, realised that an old laptop that I thought had died was actually still working, and I ended up slipping. And then I slipped again this evening, with the mindset of 'well, this can be the last time...'... God sake, so disappointed in myself and frustrated. The only silver lining is that I've since made completely sure that the laptop is now indeed broken (laptop - meet hammer, meet bath...)... somewhat cathartic and I'm now trying to put things in place ahead of what will be a very busy and stressful Tuesday.

I'm still fighting and I'm not going to give up. I will do better...
 

searching4good

Active Member
Just back from work - today has been an awfully busy day with lots of pressures and stresses. I also didn't sleep brilliantly last night either which didn't exactly help. That all said, today was made SO much easier by the reaffirmed resolution last night that I am still in the fight and that I am redoubling my efforts. I will prevail in this and if it's meant that I've had a few more bumps along the way to get there than expected, then so be it.

Have more things to do this evening but all is being taken with a sense that I am moving towards a better place. At the risk of oversimplification, I suppose in some ways that's what we're always doing - we're either progressing or we're regressing. I'm thankful for this renewed fire that's been lit in me and I'm hopeful I can really harness it.

For now, it's back to the grindstone and excited to see what tomorrow brings.
 

G.123

Member
Hey man, I’ve not been on here for a few months but I’m back and trying to kick this habit again! Glad to see you are still active on here and doing well. Hope you have had some success these last couple of months?
 

searching4good

Active Member
It's been a difficult few days for several reasons but I'm not going to wallow and will get right back on this. Tomorrow will be a better day and posting here is the start of that process.

Ps great to have you back @G.123, it really is. You've often been in my thoughts and fingers crossed we can both build some momentum again.
 
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