Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal

[Phineas 808]

It's a good point. Perhaps it's time I stop searching for a 'silver bullet' solution to this and focus instead on breaking this thing down one day at a time.

It's actually a combination of the two, a 'silver bullet' and a daily [non-] focus.

The 'silver bullet' will be different for everyone, but it's that 'aha moment', that revelatory... or moment of realization. It may take a few silver bullets or moments of realization (about ourselves, about our circumstances, about our habits), but these will or can build momentum for us. These silver bullets can come from inspiration from a buddy who overcame this crap, or from reading a book that spoke to you, or from self-analysis- or likely all the above.

And of course there's the day-to-day vigilance (not 'hyper-vigilance') of basically ignoring the cues ('triggers') and the urges that follow.

Believing in you, Orbiter, as always.

 

[Orbiter]

Thanks Phineas, sage wisdom as usual. I guess saying it's either one or the other is perhaps somewhat a simplification of something that needs to be tackled on multiple levels.

Anyway so i'm back after yet another hiatus. I needed to but I also wanted to.

So the skin issue turned out to be shingles, which took me a month to heal. It seems to either have scarred a large, visible section of my chest or is in some fashing still there. Every time I don't have clothes on, I see it and just feel awful about it. I also started having problems with my vision & focus around the same time and that seems to be showing no sign of improving. Honestly It's been an exhausting, miserable & utterly dispiriting experience just going through day to day life over the previous weeks.

At some point in the middle of it I just cracked and had enough. I started smoking again, been using regularly throughout etc. PMO has probably been close to the worst it's been since I first found out about porn addiction, PIED etc. I don't know what to say. I'd just had enough and could no longer find any strength or reason in myself to keep trying.

I'm not going to say i've 'turned it around' and all that 'i'm back, i'm gonna turn it around this time' but, even if this time I kick it, I don't or whatever, I can't just keep doing this. While the opposite is tough to keep going, living like a hopeless addict is even more exhausting & awful.

Throughout this though, I did manage to follow up on my 'mission' to rebuild my social circle. While it has been great to catch up with all of these people, some I haven't seen for over ten years, all of these people are partners married, some have kids, some have houses. I'm happy for them of course, and it enriches my life & world being a part of their lives, but it was a reminder of how much time has passed and how much life i've missed out on being stuck living like this. Something that I struggle more & more to imagine ever changing.

Anyway, I need to get all that out of my system. Either way, i'm back, I needed to, I wanted to. I'm a bit over 1 day clean.

Hope you've all been well in the time i've been absent. Best wishes & much strength to you all.

 

[Androg]

Thanks Phineas, sage wisdom as usual. I guess saying it's either one or the other is perhaps somewhat a simplification of something that needs to be tackled on multiple levels.

Anyway so i'm back after yet another hiatus. I needed to but I also wanted to.

So the skin issue turned out to be shingles, which took me a month to heal. It seems to either have scarred a large, visible section of my chest or is in some fashing still there. Every time I don't have clothes on, I see it and just feel awful about it. I also started having problems with my vision & focus around the same time and that seems to be showing no sign of improving. Honestly It's been an exhausting, miserable & utterly dispiriting experience just going through day to day life over the previous weeks.

At some point in the middle of it I just cracked and had enough. I started smoking again, been using regularly throughout etc. PMO has probably been close to the worst it's been since I first found out about porn addiction, PIED etc. I don't know what to say. I'd just had enough and could no longer find any strength or reason in myself to keep trying.

I'm not going to say i've 'turned it around' and all that 'i'm back, i'm gonna turn it around this time' but, even if this time I kick it, I don't or whatever, I can't just keep doing this. While the opposite is tough to keep going, living like a hopeless addict is even more exhausting & awful.

Throughout this though, I did manage to follow up on my 'mission' to rebuild my social circle. While it has been great to catch up with all of these people, some I haven't seen for over ten years, all of these people are partners married, some have kids, some have houses. I'm happy for them of course, and it enriches my life & world being a part of their lives, but it was a reminder of how much time has passed and how much life i've missed out on being stuck living like this. Something that I struggle more & more to imagine ever changing.

Anyway, I need to get all that out of my system. Either way, i'm back, I needed to, I wanted to. I'm a bit over 1 day clean.

Hope you've all been well in the time i've been absent. Best wishes & much strength to you all.

Sorry to hear you have been struggling. Wishing you a swift recovery and a generous dose of ongoing optimism.

 

[Orbiter]

Thanks Androg for the well wishes & encouragement, I appreciate it.

Day 3 today. Didn't manage to post last night due to the internet being down but so far, so good.

 

[Phineas 808]

Hi Orbiter, sorry to hear about the shingles. I know from experience how much that sux, and how long it takes to heal... (and how painful it is).

Of course your brain did what it thought was best for you in that challenging time, offering you relief through acting out. That's what brains do, it keys in on what we turned to as a way of getting out of pain or discomfort, and this- of course- became habitualized.

No matter, though. Have compassion on yourself for this, and just know that at any point you can restart, or continue to seek healing. If you're feeling equanimity or a baseline "everything's not too bad" feeling, just go from there. You know what cues look like for you. You know what if or when you're starting up a ritual, even if it's just p-subs. You can just be careful about not setting yourself up for failure (so to speak), and just live your life. If you lapse (which may be a given for many of us), just pick yourself up and try to go longer next time. Don't shame yourself about it.

Awesome work on rebuilding your social circle!

 

[Orbiter]

Absolutely Phineas. An addict life of endless highs and lows becomes so tiresome and stressful, being stuck in a perpetual war with our own thoughts & feelings.

Being aware & appreciative of the baseline and how important that calm, median, non-judgemental frame of mind is, even after a slip up seems like a big key. Less of how we stumble but more how we snap back.

It could be another one of my lower brains many tricks but I feel like that's kind of where I'm at today, an 'everythings not too bad' sort of place. Tomorrow may be different, we shall have to wait & see.

Thanks for dropping by and, as usual, your patient, ever-consistent support in this difficult journey.

Oh and Day 5 today

 

[Orbiter]

And I lapsed. It was a pretty bad lapse too.

I guess this is where the work comes in. How quickly can we 'snap back

Day 0

 

[Androg]

And I lapsed. It was a pretty bad lapse too.

I guess this is where the work comes in. How quickly can we 'snap back

Day 0

Expect extra cravings over the next few days. Things will settle down.

 

[Blondie]

How we doing @Orbiter?

 

[Orbiter]

Hey Blondie, it's been awhile! Thanks for checking in.

It's been up and down over the last couple of months to say the least...but for now I seem to be doing alright.

Day 10 today.

Happy New Year to you all! Hope 2024 brings you all the freedom, strength, connection & joy in life that we're all fighting for.

Wishing you all well.

 

[Orbiter]

Day 0

So I made it to 12 days and slipped. The day after that (today) I binged. I had to cancel a family gathering due to staying up bingeing until 7am and, in the space of that time, losing literally hundreds of dollars to cam sites. Feeling really bad about it and myself right now but that's neither here nor there. Wallowing doesn't change anything.

This ones on me. It's my fault, I own it.

I think there's a couple of things to learn from this. Going without porn, cam sites or any of this stuff can be as simple as just not responding to the urges. The problem this time was lack of vigilance and leaning on auxiliary bad habits to pass the time (idle browsing, excessive drinking etc). This time it could've been the one but I was being lazy & careless about it.

So, moving forward from this. I think the key will be to make sure I'm being more purposeful & intentional with my time. Idle hands are the first step every time and, if relaxation is necessary, there are better ways to do it. I think over the last few years i've given almost every 'good habit' a try and they do work so it's not like i'm without options or ideas.

I can only stay in this rut for so long before the consequences of this behaviour will start to have serious & immediate life consequences.