Iwantthesecondchance
Member
Maybe you will try to stay outdoors and find some hobbies in order to be away from home where you are usually prone to relapse? And you will go home just to sleep?
Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal
- Thread starter Orbiter
- Start date
Exactly, brother! Utilizing two different 'methods', we can use these two terms:
1. Big Beast: All the faulty belief systems that support our unwanted habits and behaviors. These are often based in trauma, family of origin issues, etc.. This will come from the prefrontal cortex of our brain.
2. Little Beast: This is where the AV (addictive voice) is located, in the more instinctual 'lower brain', where are urges come from that signal for us to use or act out.
So, different methods focus on either the first or the second area for emphasis. Both are important to address. But to change or alter our habit, all we need do is ignore, dismiss, or distract from the urges arising from the little beast. But for some of us (myself included), we need to address the deeper issues that are based on the faulty and maladaptive beliefs of the big beast.
How to deal with each? Toward the little beast, all we need do is ignore, dismiss, or distract from the urges. Urge surf (with mindfulness). Toward the big beast, we have to 1) Identify faulty belief systems, why we think we need P, PMO to cope; 2) Replace old untrue beliefs with true and healthy beliefs; 3) Recognize (with mindfulness) when our mind and emotions are in a downward spiral- or a 'bad mood', and determine why. Bringing awareness is itself a powerful method, like shining light into the darkness.
So important is the point you raise above, in self-understanding, we can be more compassionate. Look into 'radical acceptance', and determine to get rid of all judgement and shame surrounding this.
For me, the judgement and shame around p and beating myself up about doing it ironically kept me doing a lot of p for a long time. When I brought more compassion to the process and realized that this is a result of my childhood and that other are going through it as well, then I had much more success.
Exactly, Kraken! Shame is a well known driver for p-addiction, and learning a little 'self-compassion' goes a long way.
Many of us have religious backgrounds, and this shame factor is especially true for us. Obviously, porn use is a moral and/or ethical issue, regardless of our backgrounds, I had to all but take it out of the realm of moralism in order to frame it in a way that, not excusing it, but enabled me to properly address it.
And though my background is Christian, I found a lot of help with a more Buddhist concept, 'Radical Acceptance', and that fits nicely with my views on grace. Regardless, taking it out of the legalistic and hyper-moralistic, has helped me immensely.
I've been feeling pretty sick this week and went back to work a couple of days ago so, once yesterday was done, I didn't have much left in me to do much other than cook dinner & go to bed. Hence the lack of entry yesterday but day 5 = done all the same.
The shame I think is a big part of how we get stuck in the relapse cycles we see so often in journals here, my own included. I think the solution is trickier than 'just getting over it' or whatever because real acceptance means we have do meaningful, serious work to change the way we look at ourselves. Compassion, while not impossible, is difficult to extend to someone we dislike and if we dislike ourselves...
I think if one can't like who they are, they can surely go back through their lives and find a younger version of them that they did before all of this went wrong. And maybe from there imagine the person they otherwise could be and like that & aspire to become that.
And if all else fails, start with action. Do something, anything that one knows they'd be proud of and build on it. Whether it's doing some push ups, doing a drawing, going for a long walk, playing an instrument, making a thoughtful remark to someone over the counter somewhere, fixing something around home that's broken, doing something in the garden, resolving a conflict with someone that's been ongoing, cooking a meal never tried before etc. little things that can build a person little by little, day by day into a better them.
For me personally, that's what I've been doing over the last few years even while struggling & falling with this. It's only recently the difference has become tangible. And once it does, addictions like porn start to feel profoundly out of place in ones life.
The last lapse was discouraging for sure but, for the first time in a long time, it does feel like just a blip on the radar. This seemingly neverending flatline I'm in certainly seems to be helping there too. I don't want to get too over confident or whatever but that feels like where things are at the moment, which when I look at it written out here doesn't seem half bad.
The shame I think is a big part of how we get stuck in the relapse cycles we see so often in journals here, my own included. I think the solution is trickier than 'just getting over it' or whatever because real acceptance means we have do meaningful, serious work to change the way we look at ourselves. Compassion, while not impossible, is difficult to extend to someone we dislike and if we dislike ourselves...
I think if one can't like who they are, they can surely go back through their lives and find a younger version of them that they did before all of this went wrong. And maybe from there imagine the person they otherwise could be and like that & aspire to become that.
And if all else fails, start with action. Do something, anything that one knows they'd be proud of and build on it. Whether it's doing some push ups, doing a drawing, going for a long walk, playing an instrument, making a thoughtful remark to someone over the counter somewhere, fixing something around home that's broken, doing something in the garden, resolving a conflict with someone that's been ongoing, cooking a meal never tried before etc. little things that can build a person little by little, day by day into a better them.
For me personally, that's what I've been doing over the last few years even while struggling & falling with this. It's only recently the difference has become tangible. And once it does, addictions like porn start to feel profoundly out of place in ones life.
The last lapse was discouraging for sure but, for the first time in a long time, it does feel like just a blip on the radar. This seemingly neverending flatline I'm in certainly seems to be helping there too. I don't want to get too over confident or whatever but that feels like where things are at the moment, which when I look at it written out here doesn't seem half bad.
Another early night last night. I felt super exhausted most of yesterday and weirdly down mood-wise for much of it. I'm not sure how much of that was due to still being somewhat unwell. All the same, it's in the past and with it Day 6 is done.
Got hit with some very 'porn-ish' sort of dreams. Can't remember most of them too well but there was one where I was on a dating site, I clicked on a link and hit some Craigslist style escort page with some very graphic and very unappealing photos. Was one of those classic 'oh shit I lapsed...oh it was all a dream' sort of deals.
Might need to be mindful today though. I usually hit a bunch of urges after nights like that but we shall see.
Got hit with some very 'porn-ish' sort of dreams. Can't remember most of them too well but there was one where I was on a dating site, I clicked on a link and hit some Craigslist style escort page with some very graphic and very unappealing photos. Was one of those classic 'oh shit I lapsed...oh it was all a dream' sort of deals.
Might need to be mindful today though. I usually hit a bunch of urges after nights like that but we shall see.
Not going to lie, today wasn't easy. I had multiple dreams of lapsing to PMO today, weirdly they were all in my old bedroom at my father's place. May need to be on my guard next time I'm around. I felt like after each of these dreams, there was almost a chaser effect of sorts i.e finishing what I started in the dream.
Thankfully my band played a show today which went really well. Lots of compliments from the crowd and met/hung out with lots of cool people. It just goes to show the fruits of our labour really do accumulate and the effort me put in can take us to a whole different place in life.
That's day 8 finished. Onward & upward from here.
Thankfully my band played a show today which went really well. Lots of compliments from the crowd and met/hung out with lots of cool people. It just goes to show the fruits of our labour really do accumulate and the effort me put in can take us to a whole different place in life.
That's day 8 finished. Onward & upward from here.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Good job man!Thanks Escape, unfortunately I lapsed & PMOed in the early hours of this morning so it's day zero again.
A combination of the urges building up, having difficulty sleeping, alcohol in system from the show and generally letting my guard down lead to it. There were also some accounts to sites that I hadn't deleted that were dangling as a temptation (they have since been deleted).
Needless to say working today on three hours sleep was a whole ton of fun. Actions have consequences so I suppose I can't be too raw about it right?
My head has been clouded with dark thoughts ever since, I won't indulge in them in too much detail here as I don't see the benefits in doing so, but needless to say they all focus on feelings of defeat, helplessness & hopelessness.
I think one big reason is to me there's a difference between the last lapse and this one - the last felt like a temporary lapse at the time, now I see it as the all-too-familiar pattern reemerging. The same cycle, the same old shit. Not to over-dramaticise but I feel this one is a turning point of sorts.
Am I going to be able to get back on top of this or am I going to fall back down the same bleak old path? The more I give in, the harder it gets to pull away.
A combination of the urges building up, having difficulty sleeping, alcohol in system from the show and generally letting my guard down lead to it. There were also some accounts to sites that I hadn't deleted that were dangling as a temptation (they have since been deleted).
Needless to say working today on three hours sleep was a whole ton of fun. Actions have consequences so I suppose I can't be too raw about it right?
My head has been clouded with dark thoughts ever since, I won't indulge in them in too much detail here as I don't see the benefits in doing so, but needless to say they all focus on feelings of defeat, helplessness & hopelessness.
I think one big reason is to me there's a difference between the last lapse and this one - the last felt like a temporary lapse at the time, now I see it as the all-too-familiar pattern reemerging. The same cycle, the same old shit. Not to over-dramaticise but I feel this one is a turning point of sorts.
Am I going to be able to get back on top of this or am I going to fall back down the same bleak old path? The more I give in, the harder it gets to pull away.
Still feeling much the same today as I did yesterday. Just very frustrated and disappointed that I did it and how much it set me back from where I'd otherwise be right now if I hadn't. I'm feeling well & truly back into the flatline now. Just dead & tired all over but that might be due to the lingering effects of the virus I had.
No point sitting here feeling sorry for myself I guess. Day 1 down anyway.
Wishing you all well.
No point sitting here feeling sorry for myself I guess. Day 1 down anyway.
Wishing you all well.
Hey, Orbiter! As you know, recovery is typically never a straight line. And, of course, you're not really at day '0'. But, those who count days should know that... Celebrate those 8 days, for sure! Stringing lengthier and lengthier streaks together is definitely addressing the habit.
On the p-dreams, yes, those can definitely be a cue to act out. Do they make it unavoidable? Of course not, but they certainly can be the 'spark' to start the ritual.
You may have heard of E.R.P., Exposure Response Prevention (used primarily in OCD and anxiety or phobia based therapies), it's also been worded "Exposure Ritual Prevention". That's kind of what being cued (or triggered) is like. The cue occurs (external, like a billboard; internal, like a dream or emotion), but the non-response, the non-ritual, is what we want. The beauty is, it's in our power to NOT respond, to ignore the ensuing urges.
Hope you feel better.
On the p-dreams, yes, those can definitely be a cue to act out. Do they make it unavoidable? Of course not, but they certainly can be the 'spark' to start the ritual.
You may have heard of E.R.P., Exposure Response Prevention (used primarily in OCD and anxiety or phobia based therapies), it's also been worded "Exposure Ritual Prevention". That's kind of what being cued (or triggered) is like. The cue occurs (external, like a billboard; internal, like a dream or emotion), but the non-response, the non-ritual, is what we want. The beauty is, it's in our power to NOT respond, to ignore the ensuing urges.
Hope you feel better.
Thank you Phineas & everyone for your continued support.
Re your point above about non-linearity, while this is certainly true in the long term for breaking the addictive cycle, I am unsure it is for managing issues such as my PIED which seems to only get worse & worse with each episode of exposure to porn. I have not seen or personally experienced anything to the contrary and I feel like I've been at this for long enough to know.
I think it's going to take some serious & consistent dedication to get out of this mess, probably many many months of concentrated abstinence. Unfortunately for me I have been unable to get through even one month for literally YEARS.
I think the last time might predate making an account to reboot nation, something that occured almost a decade ago...possibly even more.
It hasn't been an easy week I suppose. Work has been challenging and had to unexpectedy say goodbye to one of the family pets who was sick and had to be put down earlier today.
There's a work function tonight which I really don't want to go to but basically have to. The earlier mentioned lady will also be there and I'm just feeling really frustrated and inadequate on that end of things. It's like a persistent reminder of how huge a hold this addiction has over my life. I think it's one of the main reasons I've been avoiding her.
In all honestly I did look at some porn and escort adds before, obviously out of the 'self-soothing' habit creeping in so it is yet again Day 0 again for me. I was not aroused enough to masturbate to it but of course that's not the issue here, it's the searching and the binge-watching of it. That's what's doing the damage and as far as that's concerned, seems like business as usual.
Re your point above about non-linearity, while this is certainly true in the long term for breaking the addictive cycle, I am unsure it is for managing issues such as my PIED which seems to only get worse & worse with each episode of exposure to porn. I have not seen or personally experienced anything to the contrary and I feel like I've been at this for long enough to know.
I think it's going to take some serious & consistent dedication to get out of this mess, probably many many months of concentrated abstinence. Unfortunately for me I have been unable to get through even one month for literally YEARS.
I think the last time might predate making an account to reboot nation, something that occured almost a decade ago...possibly even more.
It hasn't been an easy week I suppose. Work has been challenging and had to unexpectedy say goodbye to one of the family pets who was sick and had to be put down earlier today.
There's a work function tonight which I really don't want to go to but basically have to. The earlier mentioned lady will also be there and I'm just feeling really frustrated and inadequate on that end of things. It's like a persistent reminder of how huge a hold this addiction has over my life. I think it's one of the main reasons I've been avoiding her.
In all honestly I did look at some porn and escort adds before, obviously out of the 'self-soothing' habit creeping in so it is yet again Day 0 again for me. I was not aroused enough to masturbate to it but of course that's not the issue here, it's the searching and the binge-watching of it. That's what's doing the damage and as far as that's concerned, seems like business as usual.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I feel you, man. I literally have a similar experience but with mental health instead. It gets worse with each PMO episode. I mean, actually, the way it works is that I need many days to start feeling better but if I PMO then I go back to feeling like shit, it's like an overreaction to PMO, like 10 times worse than what a PMO should be like for me. And this is not encouraging. That's why I've been saying on my page that getting some longer abstinence right now for me it's not just a matter of I have to do this cause I'm an addict, it's literally a must these days, it's very imperative to happen because for a year my streaks have been shit and I've been feeling the repercussions month by month, especially since my stress at work escalated.