Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
You got this, man.
Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal
- Thread starter Orbiter
- Start date
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Good job man! You're doing well.
PMOed at Day 9. I have been on break from work which, while I am enjoying, was unprepared for both the feeling of 'relief' of responsibilities as well as mentally managing the doubts in my head. On the month streak I just had, I was doing better at recognising these thoughts as the addictive voice and dismissing them accordingly. This time I have been indulging them and being less focused on pushing through or managing them. I will need to work on this moving forward.
Recognizing this is huge! Seeing the difference between the two mindsets, one mindful, the other 'mindless' in habit-land, is self-knowledge, key in changing your life, changing yourself.
Making progress, onwards and upwards!
You're doing great. Reflecting and recognising the triggers and issues can only make you stronger. Keep going!
Thanks Hannibal & Phineas. What I have to figure out is keeping that clarity of focus during those short, critical moments where the urges present themselves. That's where I need to start building some wins again.
Kind of lost track of the days but I think it's Day 3 today
Kind of lost track of the days but I think it's Day 3 today
So there was over the weekend two of these 'critical moments' that hit, fueled I think by some issues that have made me realise I'm going to have to end the aforementioned office romance. I got through the first moment but unfortunately there was another yesterday that I lapsed during. Getting somewhere but this is still not the kind of progress I need to get out of this.
Day 1 today
Day 1 today
Relapsed & unfortunately for the first time in a long time, binged. Watched all the usual garbage I escalate to when I do.
There's definitely something in the way I'm thinking about or approaching this that isn't working right now. I can't help but wonder that, with this affair of sorts all but over, there's a certain directionless with recent attempts as well as a general 'well I have no outlet right now so what does it matter?'.
This is frustrating because obviously it does as much as ever and, in the event of another, more suitable relationship, I don't want to be in the same position that I am unable to perform, I don't want to lose any more potential relationships or even opportunities for them due to being unable to be sexually present in them.
Even with that out of the way, I hate this seedy, foggy, tired, miserable feeling that I'm constantly having to manage when I am living life with this addiction.
I think out of all of this I am frustrated at my either inability or unwillingness to make a consistent commitment to this. Life is passing by and I hate there's this part of me that, when the critical moment of choice hits, I am in that moment content to say 'whatever it's just a week or so, I'll start properly tomorrow'
Hate it, hate it, hate it!
There's definitely something in the way I'm thinking about or approaching this that isn't working right now. I can't help but wonder that, with this affair of sorts all but over, there's a certain directionless with recent attempts as well as a general 'well I have no outlet right now so what does it matter?'.
This is frustrating because obviously it does as much as ever and, in the event of another, more suitable relationship, I don't want to be in the same position that I am unable to perform, I don't want to lose any more potential relationships or even opportunities for them due to being unable to be sexually present in them.
Even with that out of the way, I hate this seedy, foggy, tired, miserable feeling that I'm constantly having to manage when I am living life with this addiction.
I think out of all of this I am frustrated at my either inability or unwillingness to make a consistent commitment to this. Life is passing by and I hate there's this part of me that, when the critical moment of choice hits, I am in that moment content to say 'whatever it's just a week or so, I'll start properly tomorrow'
Hate it, hate it, hate it!
Last edited:
Iwantthesecondchance
Member
We all have such moments when we want to start tomorrow and just relax now. Sometimes it is difficult to control it, especially when you already have erection and porn is just in two clicks out of reach.
One thing that I think you might do is to install an adult content protection extension in your browser, and generate a long password consisting of random symbols but do not save it in the memory of the browser. Instead, write it on the paper and remove the paper far away, better to a place where you need a ladder to get it. So, the next time you want to watch this content, you will need to find the paper and type this long random text, and maybe the desire to do this will just diminish because of additional efforts you will need to take.
I know that it is better to train your mind to recognize these traps, and you are doing great so far with only minor relapses sometimes, but still these little tricks might help.
I think as long as we don't completely rely on the blockers to stay free of porn, I can see the benefit. Do you have any suggestions of what extensions I could look into? I use Firefox as my browser, my computers run Linux and my phone runs Android. I hate Chromium but will sometimes use a fork of it if I absolutely have to for something.
After my last post I had, as embarrassed as I am to say, a binge session the following day. This time I cannot say it was a compulsion or being 'triggered' by anything, it was a conscious choice I made to do so. I was thinking about the colleague i'd been seeing and managed to find some actresses that looked like her and had a similar body type. I indulged in the fantasy and the easy pleasure for an afternoon and, six or so PMOs later, I was done. I take full responsibility for this.
It's Day 2 for me today.
I was thinking of recent discussions on the forum about conflating the problem of porn addiction and other problems in our lives and how that can ultimately undermine our efforts to get and stay clean. I also remembered a post William made in his 'now we begin' thread about this and I began to think.
I first realised porn was a problem when I started not only having issues with women and managing my life but also when I discovered I had PIED. Though I don't really write about it that much in my journal, on reflection I do tend to focus heavily on the physical aspects of getting clean. Erectile strength, physical urges, desires for sex & masturbation etc. I worry about morning wood, fixate on porn preferences & fetishes and whether I have physical health issues which sows a lot of doubts in my mind of whether i'll ever recover and definitely gives temptation to 'test' or fixate on fantasies about escorts and the like.
This also leads to getting distracted with focusing too much on erectile health, sexual aspect of recovery. I'm starting to think, as powerful a motivator to quit as it is, it is the wrong thing to focus on during this journey.
Simply put, I am physically fine and I know this. Though I went through that flatline period, recent PMOs have been with solid erections and I am capable of doing this multiple times in a row. This is something I believe a man with vascular or physical ED could not do.
The real problem here is porn, nothing more or less. Porn addiction is in the mind. PIED is psychological and comes from the mind. My problem is in my mind, not my manhood and I think I need to be focusing first and foremost on this.
I feel like if i'm going to start making progress again, I need to turn my focus away from PIED, masturbation, sex and instead focus on the addiction itself, what's happening in my head and how to manage that moving forward.
This is something I definitely need to elaborate on and explore further.
After my last post I had, as embarrassed as I am to say, a binge session the following day. This time I cannot say it was a compulsion or being 'triggered' by anything, it was a conscious choice I made to do so. I was thinking about the colleague i'd been seeing and managed to find some actresses that looked like her and had a similar body type. I indulged in the fantasy and the easy pleasure for an afternoon and, six or so PMOs later, I was done. I take full responsibility for this.
It's Day 2 for me today.
I was thinking of recent discussions on the forum about conflating the problem of porn addiction and other problems in our lives and how that can ultimately undermine our efforts to get and stay clean. I also remembered a post William made in his 'now we begin' thread about this and I began to think.
I first realised porn was a problem when I started not only having issues with women and managing my life but also when I discovered I had PIED. Though I don't really write about it that much in my journal, on reflection I do tend to focus heavily on the physical aspects of getting clean. Erectile strength, physical urges, desires for sex & masturbation etc. I worry about morning wood, fixate on porn preferences & fetishes and whether I have physical health issues which sows a lot of doubts in my mind of whether i'll ever recover and definitely gives temptation to 'test' or fixate on fantasies about escorts and the like.
This also leads to getting distracted with focusing too much on erectile health, sexual aspect of recovery. I'm starting to think, as powerful a motivator to quit as it is, it is the wrong thing to focus on during this journey.
Simply put, I am physically fine and I know this. Though I went through that flatline period, recent PMOs have been with solid erections and I am capable of doing this multiple times in a row. This is something I believe a man with vascular or physical ED could not do.
The real problem here is porn, nothing more or less. Porn addiction is in the mind. PIED is psychological and comes from the mind. My problem is in my mind, not my manhood and I think I need to be focusing first and foremost on this.
I feel like if i'm going to start making progress again, I need to turn my focus away from PIED, masturbation, sex and instead focus on the addiction itself, what's happening in my head and how to manage that moving forward.
This is something I definitely need to elaborate on and explore further.
Iwantthesecondchance
Member
Stay strong, my friend, we all have good and bad days. Look positively at this experience, now you know your weak areas and what you need to work on. Do not blame yourself, you are the person who deserves the most of your empathy and care and love. Try to self-reflect and understand the real reasons why you did it, why you looked for porn actresses looking like your colleague. I somehow missed your story about her, and last time I was reading your blog I still could not find it, so not sure what the connection is between two of you.
Actually, I do not use any extensions now. One of the things that helped me stay more or less clean last year is that I had to show a lot of things to different people on my private laptop, and if I had in my browser history some porn websites names, that would have been embarrassing. But then I still watched porn occasionally, making sure that I deleted the browser history before going out of home. So, still not the best option.
I use Google Chrome both on my Android phone and my laptop, and the add-ins I was using were Personal Blocklist (by Google), BlockSite and Windscribe - Free Proxy and Ad Blocker. The problem with these services is that sometimes they block normal websites as well. So this is why you need to ensure that you store the password somewhere if you really need to access the website. However, you have to ensure that you stand the temptation to watch porn once you entered the password.
For me, the best thing that works is to be out of home as much as possible and to be so busy that when you come home, the only thing you can think of is to go to sleep. Otherwise, if you are at home, and you do not have any plans or deadlines, it is difficult to think of something else except the old destructive habit.
But for sure, for all people who have PIED, the main problem is the psychological one. Because be it porn or be it masturbation, it is an addiction. The thing that works for me now is that I told myself 'Stop! You are not getting any younger and by doing it even once, you bring your all problems back, let us say, 20 days. And you need 20 days more to recover. This way you are never getting over your problem. And all your dreams will never realize.' Just we need to remind ourselves that there are no ways for even one-second glances. Also, I have 100 days till the year end of being porn and masturbation free, so these round numbers sometimes stimulate your desires because if I do it at least once, all the streak will be gone.
And finally, for me there are no ideal women anymore. Before, I used to put them on a pedestal, and was making them a center of the universe, forgetting about my own needs and that there is still life without woman in it. Now, after many disappointments, I think of the majority of women badly, be it their fidelity, their selfishness, their woke culture, their double standards, etc. Yes, I think there are still good women existing on the planet, but either I do not like them for some reasons like their physical appearance, or they won't like me as I am today and would not accept me with the luggage of problems I bring with myself, let us just be realists. So, I care about none of them now, and would not imagine myself with any of them. Of course, it is not a good trait and might be quite cynical, but at least it helps me in my journey as I made it work for me.
Actually, I do not use any extensions now. One of the things that helped me stay more or less clean last year is that I had to show a lot of things to different people on my private laptop, and if I had in my browser history some porn websites names, that would have been embarrassing. But then I still watched porn occasionally, making sure that I deleted the browser history before going out of home. So, still not the best option.
I use Google Chrome both on my Android phone and my laptop, and the add-ins I was using were Personal Blocklist (by Google), BlockSite and Windscribe - Free Proxy and Ad Blocker. The problem with these services is that sometimes they block normal websites as well. So this is why you need to ensure that you store the password somewhere if you really need to access the website. However, you have to ensure that you stand the temptation to watch porn once you entered the password.
For me, the best thing that works is to be out of home as much as possible and to be so busy that when you come home, the only thing you can think of is to go to sleep. Otherwise, if you are at home, and you do not have any plans or deadlines, it is difficult to think of something else except the old destructive habit.
But for sure, for all people who have PIED, the main problem is the psychological one. Because be it porn or be it masturbation, it is an addiction. The thing that works for me now is that I told myself 'Stop! You are not getting any younger and by doing it even once, you bring your all problems back, let us say, 20 days. And you need 20 days more to recover. This way you are never getting over your problem. And all your dreams will never realize.' Just we need to remind ourselves that there are no ways for even one-second glances. Also, I have 100 days till the year end of being porn and masturbation free, so these round numbers sometimes stimulate your desires because if I do it at least once, all the streak will be gone.
And finally, for me there are no ideal women anymore. Before, I used to put them on a pedestal, and was making them a center of the universe, forgetting about my own needs and that there is still life without woman in it. Now, after many disappointments, I think of the majority of women badly, be it their fidelity, their selfishness, their woke culture, their double standards, etc. Yes, I think there are still good women existing on the planet, but either I do not like them for some reasons like their physical appearance, or they won't like me as I am today and would not accept me with the luggage of problems I bring with myself, let us just be realists. So, I care about none of them now, and would not imagine myself with any of them. Of course, it is not a good trait and might be quite cynical, but at least it helps me in my journey as I made it work for me.
Day 2 today
The story with my colleague was I was having a brief work-place situation-ship of sorts which was mired by complications of different lifestyles & goals, poor communication, Alcohol and mental health issues on her part, PIED & commitment issues on my part and the complications of navigating this while working in a relatively small work place often in a collaborative manner together. I think she has her own issues to deal with and I almost certainly didn't turn out to be the kind of guy she was after. I feel like she dropped me but she might feel otherwise. The start of this and the issues that it brought up were my initial motivation to make a renewed effort to stay clean and lead to the recent 28 day streak.
This is now basically over. It's probably for the best but that doesn't mean I feel particularly great about it. Despite all this I am quite fond of her.
Re the blockers, I wound up using a DNS blocker on the phone and using a list on my computer that blocks Adult websites through the /etc/hosts file. It currently has over 200000 entries, is by it's nature customisable and I was able to further tailor it to block out particular websites that are problematic to me. This system also forces Safe Search on search engine image browsers.
Is it bypassable? With some effort yes. I feel that is kind of missing the point of it, which is essentially a way to get me to stop & think when I fall into the auto-pilot patterns of behaviour. I mean, I've been doing the same thing for years with the same results. I think it's time to try something new, at least to try and inject some semblance of proactivity & energy back into this journey.
Re the comments on women, I know a lot of women, work in a field predominantly populated by them and cannot say that many of them fit your description. I respect your right & freedom to feel that way but personally it doesn't resonate with me. That said, I do not believe happiness and fulfillment in life is dependant on anyone other than ourselves, so in a way I do not hold those expectations either. I think for a lot of us here who are long term single addicts, there are so many other issues in ourselves that we need to address before even beginning to worry about that stuff.
Thanks for your continued support, it is always appreciated and I'm grateful for you and in fact everyone here who is still taking the time out of their lives to provide some support & encouragement in mine. Wishing you the best in your journey today man.
The story with my colleague was I was having a brief work-place situation-ship of sorts which was mired by complications of different lifestyles & goals, poor communication, Alcohol and mental health issues on her part, PIED & commitment issues on my part and the complications of navigating this while working in a relatively small work place often in a collaborative manner together. I think she has her own issues to deal with and I almost certainly didn't turn out to be the kind of guy she was after. I feel like she dropped me but she might feel otherwise. The start of this and the issues that it brought up were my initial motivation to make a renewed effort to stay clean and lead to the recent 28 day streak.
This is now basically over. It's probably for the best but that doesn't mean I feel particularly great about it. Despite all this I am quite fond of her.
Re the blockers, I wound up using a DNS blocker on the phone and using a list on my computer that blocks Adult websites through the /etc/hosts file. It currently has over 200000 entries, is by it's nature customisable and I was able to further tailor it to block out particular websites that are problematic to me. This system also forces Safe Search on search engine image browsers.
Is it bypassable? With some effort yes. I feel that is kind of missing the point of it, which is essentially a way to get me to stop & think when I fall into the auto-pilot patterns of behaviour. I mean, I've been doing the same thing for years with the same results. I think it's time to try something new, at least to try and inject some semblance of proactivity & energy back into this journey.
Re the comments on women, I know a lot of women, work in a field predominantly populated by them and cannot say that many of them fit your description. I respect your right & freedom to feel that way but personally it doesn't resonate with me. That said, I do not believe happiness and fulfillment in life is dependant on anyone other than ourselves, so in a way I do not hold those expectations either. I think for a lot of us here who are long term single addicts, there are so many other issues in ourselves that we need to address before even beginning to worry about that stuff.
Thanks for your continued support, it is always appreciated and I'm grateful for you and in fact everyone here who is still taking the time out of their lives to provide some support & encouragement in mine. Wishing you the best in your journey today man.
Day 3 today.
Managed to beat the usual post work tiredness & urges today. I think due to this forced change in my browsing habits, there's a lot of aimless browsing that has been cut out which has lead to me both getting better sleep and having a lot more time without being on Reddit or going down any similar aimless internet rabbit-holes. I also managed to control my post-work drinking this week much better and limit it to a single beer after work which has also saved a lot of energy and probably put me in a better position to stay in control.
Having the day free, I spent most of it getting on top of the errands for the day and repairing/replacing the fault switches on my MPC which is something i've been putting off for ages. I remember a journal here years ago that resonated with me, can't remember who it was, where there was a guy who kept himself occupied for his reboot fixing lanterns. I think I can appreciate the simple joy & satisfaction of tinkering around with something or bringing something back to life. I feel like this is something I should put more time into.
Had a really nasty argument with a house mate today that just put me in a really bad mood & state of mind. One of those really vicious ones that I usually find really hard to let go of. Still feeling pretty down & foul about it but I think i've handled it the best I could. This journey is full of tests and maybe this is just one of those that I will need to find a way through one way or the other. Maybe it's just good to know where, behind the veil of everyday cordiality, you actually stand with someone.
Either way, still going strong over here and will continue to do so through the weekend. I think as long as I keep myself busy, I can make it through.
Managed to beat the usual post work tiredness & urges today. I think due to this forced change in my browsing habits, there's a lot of aimless browsing that has been cut out which has lead to me both getting better sleep and having a lot more time without being on Reddit or going down any similar aimless internet rabbit-holes. I also managed to control my post-work drinking this week much better and limit it to a single beer after work which has also saved a lot of energy and probably put me in a better position to stay in control.
Having the day free, I spent most of it getting on top of the errands for the day and repairing/replacing the fault switches on my MPC which is something i've been putting off for ages. I remember a journal here years ago that resonated with me, can't remember who it was, where there was a guy who kept himself occupied for his reboot fixing lanterns. I think I can appreciate the simple joy & satisfaction of tinkering around with something or bringing something back to life. I feel like this is something I should put more time into.
Had a really nasty argument with a house mate today that just put me in a really bad mood & state of mind. One of those really vicious ones that I usually find really hard to let go of. Still feeling pretty down & foul about it but I think i've handled it the best I could. This journey is full of tests and maybe this is just one of those that I will need to find a way through one way or the other. Maybe it's just good to know where, behind the veil of everyday cordiality, you actually stand with someone.
Either way, still going strong over here and will continue to do so through the weekend. I think as long as I keep myself busy, I can make it through.
Day 4 today.
Things have been pretty relaxed for the most part. I've been intentionally trying to slow my nights down as energy has been a big struggle lately and the constant fatigue & hangovers combined with a lack of routine has been hampering my progress and ability to make anything productive of my days.
Earlier nights & earlier mornings definitely seem to be the way to go. It also might have to do with some of the time wasting websites I've cut out but I'm kind of shocked how productive and how much time I've had the last few days. It's kind of great to be honest.
As for the reboot, no urges or issues yet. It's been more or less smooth sailing with little to report. I've been doing some reading of journals here & there and making sure I don't forget my commitment to this throughout the day
On the other hand, I was ruminating pretty heavily on the argument last night thoughtout the day. I am admittedly a terrible grudge bearer and find it very difficult to let go of things. I think it's one of the many areas that I have managed in the past by resorting to vices and, as a result, haven't really emotionally matured in.
I think that sometimes we have to accept that we can't be happy with every outcome and things/people don't always work out the way we want. Though we may not have agency over everything, there are still many other areas in our life we do and I'm slowly learning to, in times like these, turn my focus to other things and not drown myself in bitterness & addiction.
At least I'm certainly trying to.
Things have been pretty relaxed for the most part. I've been intentionally trying to slow my nights down as energy has been a big struggle lately and the constant fatigue & hangovers combined with a lack of routine has been hampering my progress and ability to make anything productive of my days.
Earlier nights & earlier mornings definitely seem to be the way to go. It also might have to do with some of the time wasting websites I've cut out but I'm kind of shocked how productive and how much time I've had the last few days. It's kind of great to be honest.
As for the reboot, no urges or issues yet. It's been more or less smooth sailing with little to report. I've been doing some reading of journals here & there and making sure I don't forget my commitment to this throughout the day
On the other hand, I was ruminating pretty heavily on the argument last night thoughtout the day. I am admittedly a terrible grudge bearer and find it very difficult to let go of things. I think it's one of the many areas that I have managed in the past by resorting to vices and, as a result, haven't really emotionally matured in.
I think that sometimes we have to accept that we can't be happy with every outcome and things/people don't always work out the way we want. Though we may not have agency over everything, there are still many other areas in our life we do and I'm slowly learning to, in times like these, turn my focus to other things and not drown myself in bitterness & addiction.
At least I'm certainly trying to.
Iwantthesecondchance
Member
I like the way how you are removing the clutter from your life and becoming productive instead. I think that it would be nice to add some positive habits instead of the previous destructive habits to solidify your progress.
Thanks Iwant. I remember a period of time a few years ago when I was on a pretty solid streak and I remember something that worked really well for me was having a to-do list of things I wanted to get done or had been putting off for awhile. I found I could get through most of the days with little room to procrastinate.
Though I have a lot of interests to engage in, a lot of it was pretty basic stuff like going shopping, going to see a movie, doing some pushups, sorting out the washing, tidying the house etc. And if I ran out of things to do, a solid 2 hour walk out to somewhere or taking the train/going for a drive out of town for the day always did the job.
The good thing about stuff like this is it not only is a great way to pass the time, all these things improve our lives and give us back control in small increments.
That period of time was indeed a good one. I lapsed pretty badly Day 32 or so after catching up with a friend and sinking four coffees in a couple of hours. After that it was binge city and, from murky recollection, all downhill from there. In hindsight it was a real shame but then again, porn addiction always is.
All this certainly gives me food for thought. Maybe it may do the same for you?
Oh and Day 5 today.
Though I have a lot of interests to engage in, a lot of it was pretty basic stuff like going shopping, going to see a movie, doing some pushups, sorting out the washing, tidying the house etc. And if I ran out of things to do, a solid 2 hour walk out to somewhere or taking the train/going for a drive out of town for the day always did the job.
The good thing about stuff like this is it not only is a great way to pass the time, all these things improve our lives and give us back control in small increments.
That period of time was indeed a good one. I lapsed pretty badly Day 32 or so after catching up with a friend and sinking four coffees in a couple of hours. After that it was binge city and, from murky recollection, all downhill from there. In hindsight it was a real shame but then again, porn addiction always is.
All this certainly gives me food for thought. Maybe it may do the same for you?
Oh and Day 5 today.