Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal

[Orbiter]

Reporting in and I have successfully made it through the weekend. I still need to be vigilant but I feel like I've got some momentum going again. Journalling has been a huge help and I think sharing more here of what's going on in my mind & life rather than just counting the days and worrying about what's happening down below has been a real strength. The brutal honesty & articulation of those thoughts and feelings helps to make this tool far more constructive and Iwantthesecondchance's journalling has been a big inspiration for that.

As for the issues with the housemate, we sat down today and had a very long, very honest and very constructive chat about the argument over the weekend and where we were both coming from. It went well and I think there was a genuine, mutual appreciation from both parties that we did it. So all sorted for now. Hopefully there won't be a next time but if there is we'll cross it when we get to it. More positives there.

Nothing much else to report. No withdrawals, urges or issues yet so I guess I'll just aim to be grateful and enjoy the calm while it lasts.

Day 6 done.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @Orbiter, great job getting through the weekend. Glad you got things worked out with your housemate.

 

[Orbiter]

Thanks Blondie. Conflict is not a strong point of mine and, as often is the case for those who are particularly averse, the tendency can either be placate the other party even if they are in the wrong or catastrophise and approach it assuming the worst. Thankfully I avoided both this time and was able to work it out as a result. Even after all this time, life still has a way of humbling us and showing there's so much more to learn.

It's day 7 today. No exciting reboot news today. Just some vague little urges that were circling around but are easily ignored. Congratulations on your recent milestones. I can't even imagine being almost a year free of pornography. Must be amazing...

 

[Orbiter]

Today got off to a bit of a rough start with multiple dreams of PMOing and being in various sexual situations. I woke up with that seedy, unpleasant feeling not dissimilar to the feeling right after looking an porn for a long period of time without the MO. My hands seemed to, as if they had a mind of their own, repeatedly drift downstairs as I was waking up.

Once I was mostly awake I'd snapped out of it. Thankfully the day has been fair too busy to dwell on it. I knew these withdrawals were going to happen and I think, as long as I realise they are just that and not get swept up in the fantasy of it, I should be okay.

Other than that, smooth sailing here. Day 8 is down.

 

[Orbiter]

Day 9 today.

Today started much the same as yesterday with lots of intense sex/PMO related dreams which gradually subsided as the morning continued. Thankfully another busy day made this one easy to get through. I feel like this might be more of a challenge tomorrow than today if things continue to go this way but i think if vigilance is kept, there's no reason it can't end being another day free.

I was reflecting on this somewhat over various points in the day and I think the outcomes to situations like this can vary heavily on whether you apply a 'PIED' or 'Porn Addiction' mindset.

Because the 'PIED' mindset is so focused on downstairs and any changes that may occur, this leads to far too much focus on changes in sexual/erectile function, urges, morning woods, testing, 'Am I ready yet?', 'Will I ever be ready?', and entertaining fantasy. It's quite a sexualised frame of mind which is not conducive to rebooting.

The 'Porn Addiction' mindset however is about what's happening in the head i.e 'this is just a withdrawal symptom, your sexual cues are so miswired that basically every urge should be considered a thinly-disguised withdrawal until you are healed so ignore it, dismiss it and focus on something else until it has passed'

No one said this was ever going to be easy.

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

Great progress! Keep going!
I am glad that could somehow even indirectly have a positive influence on your situation with porn addiction.
It is nice to see that you are going toward your goal!
Also try to make your days as busy as possible, even the weekends! So you do not have time to lie in bed after you wake up. And you do not have any desire to stay up late because tomorrow morning you need to get up early.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Good job man

 

[Blondie]

Thanks Blondie. Conflict is not a strong point of mine and, as often is the case for those who are particularly averse, the tendency can either be placate the other party even if they are in the wrong or catastrophise and approach it assuming the worst. Thankfully I avoided both this time and was able to work it out as a result. Even after all this time, life still has a way of humbling us and showing there's so much more to learn.

Hey @Orbiter. Nice job. Yes, I've had this problem before in my life, avoiding situations that I needed to address until the it was too late, etc. It's something I've definitely worked on and have gotten better at, but it still trips me up occasionally. Have you ever read any books about how to be assertive at work or at life? Those have helped tremendously with this life skill.

 

[Orbiter]

Thank you all for the support & encouraging words.

Iwant - Excellent advice here. I think it's both a matter of being busy but also creating the life situation & circumstances to. Being conscious of having an environment and routine conducive to growth so we don't have to work ourselves to death to stay porn free. Still, these are early days and for now I concede that keeping busy & healthy is the way to go.

Escape - Thanks man. Wishing you strength in your current struggles. You'll get there eventually, I know it.

Blondie - I think one of the more insidious aspects of compulsive porn use is it creates the illusion in the brain that we can get all of our emotional rewards with the click of a button. There's no negotiation, no argument & no compromise. I believe in coming out of this & re-engaging with the world and others, we become more aware of this deficit in ourselves. These things have to be learnt, and cemented by putting them to the test in actual practice. While I am not 'happy' about the argument per se, I am grateful for the opportunity to ever so slightly grow from it.

There's a copy of No More Mr Nice Guy around the house I've been meaning to sit down and read for awhile. Other than that, most of my learning has been through my therapy sessions. Any recommendations in particular you can share?

 

[Blondie]

Blondie - I think one of the more insidious aspects of compulsive porn use is it creates the illusion in the brain that we can get all of our emotional rewards with the click of a button. There's no negotiation, no argument & no compromise.

Yes, that's a good point. It's all in our heads, and we lack any sense of reality as to the skills we need in the real world and what that means on a day to day basis. We're basically just running away from the real world to get our emotional rewards met as you said.

There's a copy of No More Mr Nice Guy around the house I've been meaning to sit down and read for awhile. Other than that, most of my learning has been through my therapy sessions. Any recommendations in particular you can share?

Definitely read No More Mr. Nice Guy. That book was a gamechanger for me twelve years ago, and I have returned to it many times sense. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but for whatever reasons its message moved me and does to this day. It's also very practical with good exercises after each lesson. At 42 years old I'm most assuredly not the man I was twelve years ago, and that book has much to do with that fact.

As far as books about being assertive, a book called The Art of Everyday Assertiveness by Patrick King was good, though it's been a while.

 

[Orbiter]

Thanks Blondie, I'll be sure to look into it. I feel like I've got my hands pretty full with this whole quitting porn thing at this stage but it's definitely a life skill that'd serve me well to better develop. The same could probably be said for all of us.

Oops missed a day. I wound up falling asleep early last night and missed my daily check in. Thought it's not a big deal in and of itself, I've noticed in the past around this period of days is when my resolve can start to wane and get complacent. I need to be aware of this and compensate my efforts accordingly.

So the last couple of days...have been a bit difficult. Very low on energy, very anxious, very unmotivated. I've also noticed I'm having difficulty sleeping and have been having strange & somewhat unsettling dreams. Flashbacks and idle fantasy has been trying to creep it's way in.

Surely this must be withdrawals?

I think the severity of them might possibly be due to the fact that I've been extremely strict since my last PMO. No MO, no fantasies, no touching, no testing, no thinking about past encounters, no dwelling on porn flashbacks, no substitutes, no wandering around on borderline sites, no ogling women in the street, nothing.

I've had enough of my tricks, i'm not taking any chances this time. Everything remotely sexual until I'm at a decent period of time clean is either a withdrawal or a trick of the mind and I'm approaching it as such with extreme prejudice.

Still, the flashbacks & urges come all the same. Although I have the blockers as a barrier against the auto-pilot response, there's still the auto-pilot response in my head. I need to work on an internal blocker in my brain, a response that for all intents and purposes brings up a mental 'page missing' redirect message every time my mind wanders. I seem to be managing this well so far but there's no guarantee this is going to get easier.

The loss of motivation is a real danger and I need to fight that. It took what felt like forever just to get myself into the bathroom to shave today. It sucks but I know I need to push through this. I can't just sit around waiting for an excuse to PMO. I just need to keep pushing on for now and keeping on top of my days until things get better.

Anyway, that's day 12 done (thank god!)

 

[Orbiter]

I honestly don't know what's come over me but today I have been in a state that I can only compare to the first 48 hours of nicotine withdrawal. Anxious, negative and very reactionary. I realised very early into my shift today that I was not in a good state to do it, and consequentially had to compensate the best I could accordingly. If I had to sum it up, just a very negative mood.

Surely this can't all be withdrawals from porn? This is ridiculous.

But then again, it's been so long since I've been this clean. Even the last 28 streak there was a weekly MO, sex and in hindsight, quite indulgent fantasising. This time it's been nothing.

I guess if these are the withdrawals, this just is what it is and I'm going to have to push through however many days it is to the other side regardless.

Onward we go.

Day 13 down.

 

[Blondie]

Hi @Orbiter, I definitely would put this on withdrawals. I still have them once in a while too, though they are far less than they used to be. Just keep pushing ahead and be thankful because you know you body and brain are healing and now they don't know what to do with themselves! That's a beautiful thing at the end of the day.

Best

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

I agree with @Blondie. As someone who has 2 months or so of PMO behind his shoulders, I can confirm that there will be mood swings, ups and downs and a desire to give up. Even a person who does not have the same problems as us can be affected by negative mood and desire to lie in bed all day. Not all the days are good, and there are some bad ones. Our task is to withstand the pressure and continue.
You are doing great, almost two weeks of the streak is a proof. Keep going!

 

[Orbiter]

Thanks Blondie & Iwant.

Really appreciate the support at the moment and also the piece of mind that I'm not going crazy over here!

Today was much the same mood-wise but with a little more energy and less of the flashbacks so that's a slight improvement at least. Still have that constant anxious 'withdrawal' feeling. I noticed I was smoking a few more cigarettes than usual today and being ever-so-slightly more impulsive with eating. I'm not too fussed about those things at this stage but am conscious I don't want to develop my other bad habits further.

Just need to keep my cool at work and keep pushing through. One day at a time.

And that's Day 14 down!

 

[Orbiter]

It's getting late here so I'll keep it brief but things feel like they're slowly improving. Still feel that withdrawal anxiety and low energy but it's a little bit better than yesterday.

Day 15 down. Time for sleep.

 

[Blondie]

Rock on!

 

[Orbiter]

Thanks Blondie!

Feeling extremely tired at the moment, it's getting a bit late so no big posts from me.

That said, Day 16 is down!

 

[Orbiter]

Withdrawals are back in force today. I hadn't had a cigarette in the evening or the morning so I thought it might be that but after having a couple, the feeling persists. If this is healing I guess I can take solace that I'm doing a lot of it at the moment!

Over the course of the morning I was thinking on the nature of this journey and the role of commitment & intention in it. When we go through periods like this, it can sometimes feel like holding our breath underwater. That we've committed to an arbitrary length of time to clean up, get back in control and we've just got to tough it out. What then though? We 'come up for air' and act out a couple of days after our goal? Or perhaps we fall a few days (or weeks) short of it, regroup & start again? If so then we never escape the cycle, just suffer on loop for years.

So if that's the case, then we need to let go of this thought and any thoughts connected to it. There's no relief of PMO to look forward to the other side of this, no porn-related fantasies to fullfil on the other side, no crazy fetishes to act out on. We have to let those 'dreams' go, say goodbye, accept that there's no going back and leave it behind forever...all of it.

Giving up would be so easy but it would be AWFUL. Crushing! I'm so tired of starting again, suffering on loop and most of all, missing out on the most basic connections human beings can have. The life of a PMO addict is now so far from my values that I can't rationalise or reconcile it anymore. I'm getting older, getting greyer day by day, year by year.

Such a big part of being a person of integrity is being accountable for our actions. Actions have consequences and these withdrawals are, amongst other things, the consequence for years of repeated actions.

I'm not turning back now and, if I want a better life, won't ever. It's time to say goodbye to it all, embrace the consequence and push forward.

 

[Orbiter]

And that's day 17 down.