I think one thing I'm particularly starting to struggle with is a growing awareness of my mortality, age & passing of time. I feel sad about the decades of life & opportunity I've lost to this. I don't want to lose anymore but when I try to quit, I wind up in the end still trapped. Very familiar feelings of helplessness & despair begin to set in.
Hey
@Orbiter, I definitely get this. I'm prone to these kinds of existential thoughts myself, and well beyond thoughts concerning only this bad habit, but other things in my life as well, like how I was "lazy and purposeless" in my 20s and somewhat still in my 30s etc. These things can wear a man down and make it all the worse. Thinking about "what ifs" is continuing in the "purposelessness" of existence, because you can't change your past anymore than you're able to fly to the moon. It just ain't gonna happen.
Another thought I have is this, sometimes we (and I'm pointing to myself here) think we can quit this nonsense by finding the "perfect streak."
This time, we tell ourselves,
is going to be the "one." Or, we think we've found the "perfect book" or the "right motivation" that will make it different
THIS TIME. But aren't all these thoughts to be expected from (past) addicts? I mean, are these not the same low ball thoughts we have while IN THE MOMENT of blowing it? We're always looking for the "perfect" shot or picture and telling ourselves that "This time will be our last time." Or, "This picture our last one." You can't defeat this monster by using the same thought patterns you had while indulging in it. It just doesn't work that way.
Life doesn't work that way.
And that's the problem, this habit is born out of fantasy and it can't be killed by using the same childish fantasies that got us addicted to it in the first place.
Nothing worthwhile in life happens as fast as a click of a mouse. That is the fantasy. That is OUR fantasy, and it must be extirpated from our thoughts because it's unhealthy to indulge in such unhealthy thinking.
Another unhealthy thought pattern we get suckered into coming from this same state of mind, or, one might call it, the
innocence of the porn addict, is the focus on the end goal only, that is,
never again will I look at porn, rather than on the day to day activities that will FREE you from porn. One is ambiguous and not a reality that can be grasped in the day to day grind, the other is completely quotidian and utterly possible. You just did it yourself, going almost 20 days porn free. I can understand that you're upset at the moment that didn't get to YOUR GOAL of "This time it will be different" but are these not leftover thoughts and fantasies from the addiction you're trying to quit? How can anyone get in shape by telling themselves
this time it will be different, while innocently expecting that "From this day forward, I will get buff," yet, never really going to the gym or changing their eating habits on a day to day basis? Furthermore, after "20 days" they throw in the towel and say "I can't get buff" (I'm not saying you're saying that). Would not that man have better results if instead of thinking of the end goal only, he focused on the day to day instead? Thus, even if he made mistakes or "blew it" some weeks and didn't go to the gym or ate too much some days, that man in a year would not be the same man he was when he first started out. It's in the day to day grind that a man "changes" and NOT in some ambiguous goal that can never be found besides in the fantasies of a man who is still living in Plato's cave of delusions.
I've been this man of delusions many times on this journey, hell, I've made Plato's cave my damn crib from time to time!
However, I have learned over these last six years of being almost porn-free - but blowing from time to time - that I'm a much more successful "man" on a day to day basis than the boy looking at some ambiguous goal out there in the ether of my existence. One is a man of the streets and living in the world grounded as a man. The other is a boy living off in some ivory tower thinking one click will get him to paradise. Because what would you rather be in a year's time, a man who has blow it a few times like the man with his gym attendance and food habits, or a man living in an ivory tower thinking he can wish himself to "success"? The paradise of porn and the paradise of a "perfect streak" are the same illusion.
What does this mean, do we give up our beautiful goal of
never again or the motto I live by,
Porn is Not Option? Hell no! However, none of that means anything if we're not grounded in reality. You don't get in shape by being
perfect, you get in shape by showing up most of the time and being
mostly consistent in your habits. The same is true for us. Being "perfect" is for porn-addicts only, and I don't know about you but I don't identify with that.
Let us leave "perfection" for the gods and porn addicts who are either looking for the "perfect shot" or the "perfect streak." Let us in turn be aiming for the men who we want to be, and doing what we can do to get there on a day to day basis.
The only way to paradise is through reality.
Best my friend.
