Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal
- Thread starter Orbiter
- Start date
Things are still really busy. Work, music & social commitments have been taking up literally all of my time but it's all been very positive & fruitful. Haven't been as focused on recovery but I'm still clean, very much involved in life at the moment and porn couldn't be further from my thoughts. None the less I can't get complacent and I'm writing here tonight to reaffirm my commitment to this.
Day 8 down.
Day 8 down.
So I am reaching the point where this recent burst of busy-ness & activity is nearing the end. Once today is through I'll finally have the weekend to relax.
It's been a positive & productive period with the added bonus of not having time or space to even be tempted, but it's getting close to relax and unwind and I need to be conscious of the 'landing'. There is always the temptation to want to 'reward' ourselves after such a burst of activity. Over the next couple of days, what I need to remember is there are many ways to relax & treat oneself without resorting to pornography or masturbation. Ignore the urges and focus them instead into more nourishing, healthy forms of self-care.
Day 11 today
It's been a positive & productive period with the added bonus of not having time or space to even be tempted, but it's getting close to relax and unwind and I need to be conscious of the 'landing'. There is always the temptation to want to 'reward' ourselves after such a burst of activity. Over the next couple of days, what I need to remember is there are many ways to relax & treat oneself without resorting to pornography or masturbation. Ignore the urges and focus them instead into more nourishing, healthy forms of self-care.
Day 11 today
Lapsed at Day 12 yesterday and again just now. So it's Day 0 at the moment.
I was thinking of the very 'Binge & Purge' cyclical nature of this. Like a bulimic who over eats, binges and then immediately after throws it all up or simply starves themselves.
Sometimes I feel like streaks have almost become just a part of the cycle. There's a week or two motivated by desperation and perhaps shame, which seems to feel more like starving or holding ones breath than any actual progress. The will to stay clean wears down one way or another and then follows an excessive binge until there's nothing really left in the thank, and then the cycle seems to repeat itself.
A week or two clean I suppose is better than just doing it compulsively all the time. But I feel my approach to getting clean or aspects of it are still at best holding me back or at worst actively feeding the cycle of addiction.
I think this warrants some further reflection.
I was thinking of the very 'Binge & Purge' cyclical nature of this. Like a bulimic who over eats, binges and then immediately after throws it all up or simply starves themselves.
Sometimes I feel like streaks have almost become just a part of the cycle. There's a week or two motivated by desperation and perhaps shame, which seems to feel more like starving or holding ones breath than any actual progress. The will to stay clean wears down one way or another and then follows an excessive binge until there's nothing really left in the thank, and then the cycle seems to repeat itself.
A week or two clean I suppose is better than just doing it compulsively all the time. But I feel my approach to getting clean or aspects of it are still at best holding me back or at worst actively feeding the cycle of addiction.
I think this warrants some further reflection.
Apart from the greater questions of the direction I'm going with this, there was an absence of positive personal habits and activity. The blockers also hadn't been put back on since the last relapse so there's been an element of negligence to the process. I had started bringing phone to bed with me again as well etc. in a way I shouldn't have really been surprised at all.
One thing I am sure if is I can't expect to get out of this with the same lifestyle & habits that put me in it. Being busy is good but it's unsustainable and in future, I need to take steps to ensure I don't fall into this same pattern every time I have an opportunity to relax & unwind. This means attending to life and fostering the good habits that at least minimise the urges and make sure I don't reach that point of auto-pilot no return with such severity.
As for the urges themselves. My response, or non-response certainly needs work.
One thing I am sure if is I can't expect to get out of this with the same lifestyle & habits that put me in it. Being busy is good but it's unsustainable and in future, I need to take steps to ensure I don't fall into this same pattern every time I have an opportunity to relax & unwind. This means attending to life and fostering the good habits that at least minimise the urges and make sure I don't reach that point of auto-pilot no return with such severity.
As for the urges themselves. My response, or non-response certainly needs work.
Hi, Orbiter! Wanted to comment a little on the above, but was caught up in busyness.
First of all, congrats on the 12 days above! This is no light feat, as you more than all know. Never mind that much was due to your own busyness, because, I suspect (as would be true of me), if you wanted to obsess and give in, busy or not busy, we would've found a way! I think you're keying into a certain habit-pattern, busyness versus relaxation time; and then there's the 'reward factor' which you also mentioned.
You touch on an important comparison, too. The eating disorder pattern of binge and purge, coupled with bulimic-like symptoms definitely resonates with me. As you may know, I often compare sex/porn addiction with eating disorders (as well as other addictions, including, if not especially (?), OCD). Why? Because food is a major driver of our survival, as is sex (survival of the species). And so 'disorders' regarding these key into the same instinctive parts of the brain (lower brain, or 'beast-brain').
Finally, good point about habits and lifestyle. We know a definition for insanity is: doing the same things but expecting a different result. This has been a major issue for me, changing the habits that surround the habit, which for me is social media in particular and phone use in general.
You're in an excellent place for major change, just be patient with yourself, and keep asking those deeper questions.
First of all, congrats on the 12 days above! This is no light feat, as you more than all know. Never mind that much was due to your own busyness, because, I suspect (as would be true of me), if you wanted to obsess and give in, busy or not busy, we would've found a way! I think you're keying into a certain habit-pattern, busyness versus relaxation time; and then there's the 'reward factor' which you also mentioned.
You touch on an important comparison, too. The eating disorder pattern of binge and purge, coupled with bulimic-like symptoms definitely resonates with me. As you may know, I often compare sex/porn addiction with eating disorders (as well as other addictions, including, if not especially (?), OCD). Why? Because food is a major driver of our survival, as is sex (survival of the species). And so 'disorders' regarding these key into the same instinctive parts of the brain (lower brain, or 'beast-brain').
Finally, good point about habits and lifestyle. We know a definition for insanity is: doing the same things but expecting a different result. This has been a major issue for me, changing the habits that surround the habit, which for me is social media in particular and phone use in general.
You're in an excellent place for major change, just be patient with yourself, and keep asking those deeper questions.
Thank you for your reflections Phineas.
I was certainly aware of this cycle and was aware it was a danger period as my post leading up to the lapse proves. I still however did it anyway so either there's a piece of the puzzle I haven't figured out or it was just a critical moment in time I just dropped the ball. I wish I could say I know.
The binge/purge-esque cycle of stress & release is clearly evident to see though. Perhaps it's getting a better handle of these urges that is the escape from the cycle. I just feel like I'm rowing a boat with one paddle here, going round and round in circles and I'm trying to figure a way to break out.
I think habits do have motivators that tie us to them and that link is can what make habit change go from difficult to seemingly impossible. There is a root of sorts in all of it. I think mine is to manage stress, escape life and find an immediate, easy substitute for romantic intimacy. Those feel like difficult things to face without the PMO eject switch. It is however something I need to take more seriously.
Day 2 down
I was certainly aware of this cycle and was aware it was a danger period as my post leading up to the lapse proves. I still however did it anyway so either there's a piece of the puzzle I haven't figured out or it was just a critical moment in time I just dropped the ball. I wish I could say I know.
The binge/purge-esque cycle of stress & release is clearly evident to see though. Perhaps it's getting a better handle of these urges that is the escape from the cycle. I just feel like I'm rowing a boat with one paddle here, going round and round in circles and I'm trying to figure a way to break out.
I think habits do have motivators that tie us to them and that link is can what make habit change go from difficult to seemingly impossible. There is a root of sorts in all of it. I think mine is to manage stress, escape life and find an immediate, easy substitute for romantic intimacy. Those feel like difficult things to face without the PMO eject switch. It is however something I need to take more seriously.
Day 2 down
Hey, Orbiter.
The 'missing paddle', if you will, I think would be the 'waiting out' the urges, outlasting the urges, practicing the pause before engaging in any habits, realizing that urges come and go, but that we can ignore them, dismiss them, distract from them, or else practice the pause.
What does 'practice the pause' look like? Say we know we're going to lapse. Okay, we're gonna do it, but if I can wait at least 15 more minutes, or if I can set a timer, and see how I feel in 5 minutes; then when 5 is up, set it for another 5 minutes, etc...
We're telling our brain, "Okay, we're gonna do it. We won't even fight it, necessarily. But, we're going to wait x-amount of time before we do it."
Meanwhile, we'll breath slower, longer and deeper breaths, and maybe watch a cat video, and see how we feel in a few. Urges diminish, whether or not it feels that way in the moment.
Consise, clear & practical! I like it Phineas. I actually put it into practice early this morning, when I couldn't sleep, was stressed about work (almost text book cause & effect) and the urge to just 'Do it to relax and go back to sleep. You can start again tomorrow'. Made it through that one but more will come. I just have to learn to relax and just take things one urge at a time.
I'm on holidays more or less as of today with a few loose ends to tie up before the end of today. This is usually a period where the 'wheels fall off' so to speak. The stress is gone, the exhaustion kicks in and all of a sudden I've been bingeing for four or so days.
I was thinking about my last lapse, how I'd flagged there was a difficult period coming up, almost like I was setting myself up for this struggle that perhaps I deep down wanted to lose.
Which leads to the next logical thought which is the danger of associations & urges. There's the emotional association 'I feel like I have to PMO because I'm so tired/lonely/stressed/frustrated etc.' but there's also for serial relapsers such as myself a historical/habitual one too, 'I always relapse when I'm tired/hungover/on holidays/angry about work and I almost always give in so why even stress myself fighting it?'.
I've noticed lately I rarely lapse when I'm hungover anymore. This one or two years ago was a big problem. This is due to changes in habit of how I manage them (out of bed early before it gets worse, go for a long walk, shower, eat a nutritious plain meal, don't nap until it's almost gone etc). In doing this I feel like I unintentionally broke the association between that state and PMO.
Once these associations and emotional ties are broken, an urge becomes little more than...well, an urge right? A temporary feeling of discomfort.
Maybe this association with holidays and 'relaxing' will be the next one to break.
EDIT: Day 5 today
I'm on holidays more or less as of today with a few loose ends to tie up before the end of today. This is usually a period where the 'wheels fall off' so to speak. The stress is gone, the exhaustion kicks in and all of a sudden I've been bingeing for four or so days.
I was thinking about my last lapse, how I'd flagged there was a difficult period coming up, almost like I was setting myself up for this struggle that perhaps I deep down wanted to lose.
Which leads to the next logical thought which is the danger of associations & urges. There's the emotional association 'I feel like I have to PMO because I'm so tired/lonely/stressed/frustrated etc.' but there's also for serial relapsers such as myself a historical/habitual one too, 'I always relapse when I'm tired/hungover/on holidays/angry about work and I almost always give in so why even stress myself fighting it?'.
I've noticed lately I rarely lapse when I'm hungover anymore. This one or two years ago was a big problem. This is due to changes in habit of how I manage them (out of bed early before it gets worse, go for a long walk, shower, eat a nutritious plain meal, don't nap until it's almost gone etc). In doing this I feel like I unintentionally broke the association between that state and PMO.
Once these associations and emotional ties are broken, an urge becomes little more than...well, an urge right? A temporary feeling of discomfort.
Maybe this association with holidays and 'relaxing' will be the next one to break.
EDIT: Day 5 today
So as feared I did slip with three PMOs over the weekend and, while I didn't go through whole way, I did look at porn yesterday. I wasn't aroused by it, more just out of some uneasy boredom. I stopped after awhile as I had to leave the house for family commitments. Once I was there, I almost immediately felt the error and lack of sense in what I'd done. Alas I'd 'had my fix' and so it was back to Day 0.
Looking back there would've been so many other better things to do, but in the busyness and excess of 2024, I feel I have unfortunately become distanced from most of my interests and the idea of engaging with them seems almost alien at times. I've become increasingly sedentary, conditioned to instant gratification and detached from my own life.
I think the excessive smartphone use and neurological impact of these porn binges has robbed me of the ability to feel sufficient satisfaction and joy in many of the things that give my life joy, meaning & purpose.
I don't like that I've become like this. I feel like every time I spend glued to the screen endlessly looking through crap on the internet or PMOing, I lose another piece of myself. Like a ship at sea, slowly losing sight of the shore. The more these habits take away, the less worthwhile a clean life looks beyond this, and the less hope I feel. Quite the vicious cycle.
So looking forward from this, where do we go? I think the only way forward is action. There's no 'lifehack' or easy way out, no brilliant solution, no perfect streak, no silver bullet. That's an addict mentality which Blondie touched upon that in that previous post. Beating the porn addiction at this stage for me is:
1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above. That's obviously where the real change happens and, rather than worrying about ED or day counters, this needs to be the primary focus.
2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn. This involves excessive use of the smartphone, excessive idle time, re-engage with interests & routines that are good for me.
Both of these need to be done simultaneously as for me they are both parts of the same problem and they both feed into each other.
How to do this is clear to me now. Now it's time to put in the work and actually make this happen.
Along with this, I will track both these approaches in my journal so I am accountable and stay on the right track.
Day 1 today.
Looking back there would've been so many other better things to do, but in the busyness and excess of 2024, I feel I have unfortunately become distanced from most of my interests and the idea of engaging with them seems almost alien at times. I've become increasingly sedentary, conditioned to instant gratification and detached from my own life.
I think the excessive smartphone use and neurological impact of these porn binges has robbed me of the ability to feel sufficient satisfaction and joy in many of the things that give my life joy, meaning & purpose.
I don't like that I've become like this. I feel like every time I spend glued to the screen endlessly looking through crap on the internet or PMOing, I lose another piece of myself. Like a ship at sea, slowly losing sight of the shore. The more these habits take away, the less worthwhile a clean life looks beyond this, and the less hope I feel. Quite the vicious cycle.
So looking forward from this, where do we go? I think the only way forward is action. There's no 'lifehack' or easy way out, no brilliant solution, no perfect streak, no silver bullet. That's an addict mentality which Blondie touched upon that in that previous post. Beating the porn addiction at this stage for me is:
1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above. That's obviously where the real change happens and, rather than worrying about ED or day counters, this needs to be the primary focus.
2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn. This involves excessive use of the smartphone, excessive idle time, re-engage with interests & routines that are good for me.
Both of these need to be done simultaneously as for me they are both parts of the same problem and they both feed into each other.
How to do this is clear to me now. Now it's time to put in the work and actually make this happen.
Along with this, I will track both these approaches in my journal so I am accountable and stay on the right track.
Day 1 today.
Iwantthesecondchance
Member
Great initiative, @Orbiter ! The only small piece of advice from me is try to always remind yourself these thoughts, so that they are always with you. And, the same as you do, now I noticed that some behaviours lead me to PMO. For me, in these days, these are playing video games at nights instead of sleeping and alcohol abuse (also at night). So, as you said, it is best not to create an atmosphere where PMO risks would increase.
You got this!
You got this!
Christmas has been & gone over in my time zone and it's kinda just another ordinary day over here. Leading up to the season I've been considering the above two goals and trying to make progress, even if it's a little, each day. And so regarding that:
1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
I had an urge during Christmas day (I am house-sitting on my own at the moment) where I remembered an old laptop I'd been keeping in storage. 'Curiosity' got the better of me and I wondered what running some recovery software on it would find. Sure enough within a few minutes multiple picture files & movies came up that I'm certain were pornographic in nature. Rather than simply open them as I was tempted to, I went and had a shower while thinking it over. By the time I was out, I'd come to my senses, closed the session and did a total free space erase. The laptop is now clean and (more or less) so am I.
2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
I have used the holiday period as an opportunity to reinstate a morning routine and rebuild some positive habits & activities. This involves 30 minutes or exercise (any exercise as long as it's 30 mins worth, at worst it can be as simple as going for a walk) 10-15 minutes meditation immediately after (mental exercise, calming and a good barometer of where my headspace is at), reading, engaging in interests etc.
I'm working on making a system for tracking all of this throughout the month which I plan to keep in a seperate, hard copy journal. This still needs to be done and I can feel myself dragging my feet on this. On there other hand, I've done what I've set out to every day apart from Christmas Day.
The focus is on progress over perfection this time. Let's see how it goes.
Wishing you all a safe, relaxing & joyful Christmas holiday season. Let's make 2025 our year!
1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
I had an urge during Christmas day (I am house-sitting on my own at the moment) where I remembered an old laptop I'd been keeping in storage. 'Curiosity' got the better of me and I wondered what running some recovery software on it would find. Sure enough within a few minutes multiple picture files & movies came up that I'm certain were pornographic in nature. Rather than simply open them as I was tempted to, I went and had a shower while thinking it over. By the time I was out, I'd come to my senses, closed the session and did a total free space erase. The laptop is now clean and (more or less) so am I.
2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
I have used the holiday period as an opportunity to reinstate a morning routine and rebuild some positive habits & activities. This involves 30 minutes or exercise (any exercise as long as it's 30 mins worth, at worst it can be as simple as going for a walk) 10-15 minutes meditation immediately after (mental exercise, calming and a good barometer of where my headspace is at), reading, engaging in interests etc.
I'm working on making a system for tracking all of this throughout the month which I plan to keep in a seperate, hard copy journal. This still needs to be done and I can feel myself dragging my feet on this. On there other hand, I've done what I've set out to every day apart from Christmas Day.
The focus is on progress over perfection this time. Let's see how it goes.
Wishing you all a safe, relaxing & joyful Christmas holiday season. Let's make 2025 our year!
Lapsed again, I think the laptop the previous day was probably the start of a rapid downhill slide into it. I wasn't dismissing the thoughts and substitutes like I should've been (and can). I was also hungover which, while I managed with my new routine, left me tired & lacking in impulse control. I need to get that aspect of things back on track and start taking this seriously again. There's no room for substitutes in a porn free lifestyle.
1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
PMOed so obviously didn't do too great with this today.
2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Did some positive things like exercise but going back to bed after put me in a bad position. Obviously I did it because I was tired and should've chosen to relax in the living room instead. The excessive drinking didn't exactly help. This seems like a strong case of bad old routines feeding into each other.
With all that in mind, back to it! I'll endeavour to take these lessons on board moving forward.
1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
PMOed so obviously didn't do too great with this today.
2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Did some positive things like exercise but going back to bed after put me in a bad position. Obviously I did it because I was tired and should've chosen to relax in the living room instead. The excessive drinking didn't exactly help. This seems like a strong case of bad old routines feeding into each other.
With all that in mind, back to it! I'll endeavour to take these lessons on board moving forward.
"There's no room for substitutes in a porn free lifestyle."
I like this quoted above ^
I like your motivation that I detect in your 'voice', that, despite stumbling, you're getting right back to it. I like this new way of assessing urge-management and, like I call them, the 'habits that surround the habit'.
Keep up the progress, Orbiter!
I like this quoted above ^
I like your motivation that I detect in your 'voice', that, despite stumbling, you're getting right back to it. I like this new way of assessing urge-management and, like I call them, the 'habits that surround the habit'.
Keep up the progress, Orbiter!
Thanks Phineas, I'm making a conscious effort to 'bounce back' as quickly as possible. It's part of a necessary shift away from the 'hold strong for 90 days until cured' trap I have fallen into and looking at this from a more holistic long term point of view.
I'm also accepting that I've essentially developed an internet/screen addiction that is feeding into the porn addiction. I need to tackle these both simultaneously and gradually work on better ways to spend my time & energy.
Unfortunately at this point I'm still PMOing way too much as I did twice yesterday. Waking up/mindless browsing/phone in bed etc. I think my willpower & motivation are quite low at the moment and I seem to be really struggling to stay away from the YouTube/mindless browsing that inevitably leads to porn. There's going on here that is feeding into this but I think it's mainly:
* Low energy from multiple hangovers & poor sleep drains the willpower & motivation basically before the day begins.
* Brute forcing habit change to fast by leaning too heavily on willpower.
* The neuro-chemical effect constant screen & phone usage, multiple PMOs, alcohol abuse damages my ability to feel good and motivated to do good things that'll get me away from the screen. I compensate for this by relying on what willpower I have.
So in an effort to change this, I've been taking a low pressure approach. I'm starting by, prioritising getting better sleep and better food. I'll still keep up with the exercise & meditation but I'll take it slowly at this point and not put too much stress on myself over it.
Also getting out of the house something I need to do more of. I felt like I was trapped in a loop yesterday after the relapses and instead got in the car and went for an unplanned day trip down to the beach. When in doubt, flee temptation I suppose?
I'm also accepting that I've essentially developed an internet/screen addiction that is feeding into the porn addiction. I need to tackle these both simultaneously and gradually work on better ways to spend my time & energy.
Unfortunately at this point I'm still PMOing way too much as I did twice yesterday. Waking up/mindless browsing/phone in bed etc. I think my willpower & motivation are quite low at the moment and I seem to be really struggling to stay away from the YouTube/mindless browsing that inevitably leads to porn. There's going on here that is feeding into this but I think it's mainly:
* Low energy from multiple hangovers & poor sleep drains the willpower & motivation basically before the day begins.
* Brute forcing habit change to fast by leaning too heavily on willpower.
* The neuro-chemical effect constant screen & phone usage, multiple PMOs, alcohol abuse damages my ability to feel good and motivated to do good things that'll get me away from the screen. I compensate for this by relying on what willpower I have.
So in an effort to change this, I've been taking a low pressure approach. I'm starting by, prioritising getting better sleep and better food. I'll still keep up with the exercise & meditation but I'll take it slowly at this point and not put too much stress on myself over it.
Also getting out of the house something I need to do more of. I felt like I was trapped in a loop yesterday after the relapses and instead got in the car and went for an unplanned day trip down to the beach. When in doubt, flee temptation I suppose?
1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
No urges today.
2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Did not go through the exercise routine but did walk & meditate. Also managed to do a decent amount of cooking & reading. Most of the remainder of the day was spent sleeping or generally not doing much. Motivation was quite low today and doing most things felt like more of a struggle than they should've. Screen & phone usage was kept to a reasonable minimum.
Day 1 today
No urges today.
2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Did not go through the exercise routine but did walk & meditate. Also managed to do a decent amount of cooking & reading. Most of the remainder of the day was spent sleeping or generally not doing much. Motivation was quite low today and doing most things felt like more of a struggle than they should've. Screen & phone usage was kept to a reasonable minimum.
Day 1 today
Awesome awareness to see that this is a marathon and not a sprint (albeit a 90 day sprint). I agree with the holistic approach you're taking.
Physiologically, concerning the low mood and motivation, that after an episode the dopamine which was spiking has now dropped below baseline, which means a low mood and lack of motivation. You probably know this, but awareness is key. This, awareness, will help us to be compassionate with ourselves as we find our flow.
Physiologically, concerning the low mood and motivation, that after an episode the dopamine which was spiking has now dropped below baseline, which means a low mood and lack of motivation. You probably know this, but awareness is key. This, awareness, will help us to be compassionate with ourselves as we find our flow.
Yes definitely in the duldrums at the moment. I think with the distractions of work removed, perhaps I'm just more acutely aware of it now that I'm not as busy.
1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
No urges today.
2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Felt a lot of internal resistance today. With that said, I got through my morning run, exercise and also did the meditation too. I noticed during the meditation my head was very 'noisy'. All sorts of intrusive, stressful thoughts coming through. I guess it's just where I'm at right now.
I felt on a loose end this evening and decided to go to a random gig nearby. I found myself coming a bit more alive moment by moment and was surprised how much I enjoyed it.
There was a very attractive, mid 20s woman who was making strong moves on me through the night. I didn't follow through because of where I'm at ED-wise and also to an extent her age (she wasn't bothered by it but I somewhat was). None the less we hung out, chatted, had some drinks and it was a validating experience. It was also a reminder of what I've been missing out on and, if I hadn't wasted all these years and screwed myself up so badly with this rotten habit, what life could be like.
It seems, even after blowing so many chances so many times, there's still some promise & hope that it's not too late for me to get serious & turn this around. Life still yields another chance, another shot at it, and maybe the promise of better things to come.
Day 2 today.
1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
No urges today.
2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Felt a lot of internal resistance today. With that said, I got through my morning run, exercise and also did the meditation too. I noticed during the meditation my head was very 'noisy'. All sorts of intrusive, stressful thoughts coming through. I guess it's just where I'm at right now.
I felt on a loose end this evening and decided to go to a random gig nearby. I found myself coming a bit more alive moment by moment and was surprised how much I enjoyed it.
There was a very attractive, mid 20s woman who was making strong moves on me through the night. I didn't follow through because of where I'm at ED-wise and also to an extent her age (she wasn't bothered by it but I somewhat was). None the less we hung out, chatted, had some drinks and it was a validating experience. It was also a reminder of what I've been missing out on and, if I hadn't wasted all these years and screwed myself up so badly with this rotten habit, what life could be like.
It seems, even after blowing so many chances so many times, there's still some promise & hope that it's not too late for me to get serious & turn this around. Life still yields another chance, another shot at it, and maybe the promise of better things to come.
Day 2 today.