Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Didn't get an entry for NYE obviously but it was pretty smooth sailing much of the day. Had some drinks with my housemate but mostly it was almost the text book case of a nice, quiet but fulfilling day at home. There was some brief late night wandering towards borderline material (smart phone near the bed, still not learning) but I stopped once I came to my senses. No room for substitutes in a porn-free lifestyle.

As for today, possibly as a result of the above it was a little bit trickier but I seem to have handled it alright.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
In the morning I was hit with a barrage of mild but persistent urges. Fantasies & porn flashbacks kept pushing their way into my mind. Thankfully my new morning routine & also my hangover routine put me in good stead and I was in a good position to dismiss the thoughts until they eventually ceased. Vigilance is still necessary but I felt very happy with how I was able to manage it.

2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
I think the drinks & the previous night was a cue but the combination of the morning run to lose the hangover, the meditation to set my head straight and a long morning walk at a national park to get me out of the environment & state that was 'triggering' me put me in good position to manage & dismiss the urges. Once I was done, I spent the rest of the day resting, cooking, reading & jamming with the housemate.

I feel like since yesterday, these new habits feel much easier than they did even two days ago. Persistence & taking measured, small steps really does pay off.

So here we are in the new year. It's day 4 which, while I'd prefer to be a larger number, is still a start and certainly better than being trapped in the porn cycle.

Happy new year everyone. Wishing you all well in your journeys and much success for the year ahead.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thank you Phineas, your unwavering support and patience is, as always, greatly appreciated.

Late last night I got a call from that colleague of mine I spoke of earlier who I was briefly involved with. I thought about answering but decided against it as I assumed she was just drunk and in a maudlin mood. To make sure, I gave her a call earlier today, lo behold she hangs up so I guess my suspicions of the classic drunk dial were correct.

Truth be told it annoyed me somewhat it kind of set the tone of the day unfortunately. I guess there were always going to be complications and this is definitely a learning lesson about fraternising with work colleagues, romantically or otherwise.

As always, letting go of these feelings of frustration & bitterness is proving a challenge. No surprise, it's never been a strong point of mine in the past.

Perhaps a positive of this may lie in it being a lesson that will linger for awhile and it is a good reminder to keep moving, bit by bit, beyond this and towards people & things that are better for me.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
Quite a few intrusive sexual thoughts waking up in the morning. This followed an unusual amount of bad dreams last night. The urges were quite mild though and I was able to overcome them by more or less just getting out of bed and starting the day. Not too much trouble.

2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Lingering in bed awake for long periods of time (over 30 mins) seems to often lead to problems if not outright PMO. This is particularly so if there's a phone or device nearby. The exercise, meditation & reading are going well and I think are helping the mood & structure of my day considerably.

That's day 5 down.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
No urges today.


2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Didn't do much habit-wise today as I was out for the day but did get to spend some quality time with family & visit a few friends. I'll resume things tomorrow.

Day 6 down.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
So I MOed yesterday. I hadn't really anticipated it to be honest as I so rarely do it without either PMO or fantasy but I did, basucally to sensation. It took a little while for things to 'warm' up but once they did I was definitely at adequate strength to perform. I felt mostly fine after but some lethargy and mild urges definitely came back which I'm dealing with today.

Soooo - to reset or not to reset? I was considering this and weighed in several factors. Some here may disagree but hear me out.

First - my goal which is to quit porn, improve my life and cure my ED. While the MO probably didn't help, especially at this stage, I am still otherwise on track with those goals.

Second - while it may have set back the healing process a bit, I wasn't exposed to any porn or any cues. I did not have any porn fantasies or infact any fantasies during it.

Third - I don't have any issues with compulsive masturbation. While again it doesn't help and there are habit associations between the two, porn is the problem here. So is it really productive to reset over it or is it falling into my regular all-or-nothing habit of thinking?

So I've decided instead to set up a second counter to keep this under control and address it more appropriately during this journey.

Comments are as always welcome on this. Even if they are ones of scepticism or disagreement with this.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
Apart from the MO yesterday, I had some urges following the morning work out. I found myself travelling towards some borderline content but came to my senses. Instead I logged on here to journal where I'm at.

I still feel the urge right now but I am breathing & non responding my way through it.

2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Yesterday I didn't do too much habit-wise other than the (by now) usual run & meditation. We're going through a heatwave at the moment which is making sleep as well as getting stuff done during the day more tiring than usual. Today on the other hand has been good and I'm back on track with everything. It's definitely helping with managing mood and keeping me away from the usual routes of temptation.

Still, I need to be vigilant after this slip up.

Day 8 no porn
Day 1 no MO
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @Orbiter, nice job on 8 days porn free.

I wouldn't lose any sleep on the MO thing. It it what it is. Sure, would it help to not MO at this time, probably, but it sure as hell isn't porn and that's all that really matters. In the grand scheme of things it means nothing.

Just keep on going and remember to not get too caught up in your head about all of this. I think your mindset and the points your bring up are very good and on target.

One day at a time is where it's at.

Best brother
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I agree with Blondie above, Orbiter. It was a 'one off' (no pun intended), and, as you said, not something done compulsively by you. Count it, or don't count it, but I wouldn't do a whole reset on it.

You're still on target for your overall goals. Well done.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thanks Blondie & Phineas!

Unfortunately I relapsed just now (on Day 9). I had become fixated on some borderline material that I viewed the other day and entertained the thoughts in my head for too long.

I find there's a point of no return where, if I dwell enough on a fantasy, urge or thought, it builds up quickly into a compulsion I find difficult to control. I had probably passed that point the other day. From then a series of "harmless" peeks & wanderings until it culminated today in one PMO.

There also might have been that I'd become too focused on the surrounding habit-change side of things & not enough on adequately managing my thoughts & urges. Both are priorities but ultimately the urge management is the higher of the two.

Day 0 no porn
Day 0 no MO
 
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Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
It definitely takes practice, Orbiter! So, congrats on 9 days.

The surrounding habits and the actual unwanted habit (or addiction) are definitely interconnected, and the surrounding habits may fuel the other as a reward system (especially if p-subs) or reinforcement of the other.

I posted something in my journal that may or may not have relevancy regarding what happens when we go to tackle our surrounding habits, something called extinction burst.

Wishing you well.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thanks Phineas, I did some further reading into the extinction burst myself and, though, I'd like to say I'm getting there I can't help but feel there's also been some negligence on my part that has contributed to the recent acting out.

For posterity & a reminder to my future self. I've observed recently that I have both been quite stressed about returning to work the following week. I have also been having continuous dreams about my first girlfriend who was the other half of one of those kind of doomed but 'almost could've been perfect' kind of deals that one never really forgets.

Funnily enough after every recent lapse, both of those things disappeared.

This is a reminder that urges don't always appear to be urges on the surface. They can be deceptive. An urge to PMO can look like longing for a failed relationship, it can look like a stressor from work, it can look like a problem with a family member. Anything that can create sufficient enough emotional distress to turn to porn. When withdrawals hit, they'll throw everything and the kitchen skin to make you go back.

Coming back to the point of extinction bursts, a particular point of the article caught my attention and I quote:

However, it’s important to note that extinction bursts can have potential psychological consequences if not handled properly. The intense nature of these episodes can be distressing, and if individuals interpret them as failures rather than normal parts of the process, it could lead to feelings of hopelessness or burnout.

I have fallen into this trap too many times before and, as frustrating as it feels, I'm determined to keep pushing forward and looking for lessons to learn amongst the anger & disappointment.

Day 0 no porn
Day 0 no MO

Wishing you well also Phineas
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
It hasn't been a great two days in terms of abstaining from PMO and that's honestly on me.

I neglected to mention I have been away the last two days in a country town. I think the remoteness, some dramas I had to sort remotely and the absence of a healthy routine definitely all contributed. There's also a 'what happens in Vegas' kind of mentality that comes with being away and I simply wasn't managing it nor had I anticipated and had an action plan together which I should've sorted before.

Back home now though. I feel a comfort and a sense of sureness, a sense of trust in myself being back here and returning to the good habits and an environment less conducive to acting out.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
There was one PMO in the morning just before I hit the shower. It was a 'one last chance to act out because you'll be back to it once you're home' sort of thinking going into it. Obviously a fallacy but it's done.

Once I'd gotten home, I was exhausted from the drive and took a moment to lay down. Almost immediately a voice in my head went 'check this website out, let's see what new videos they've got' I stopped, thought for a few seconds and immediately put the phone away and had a nap. No further issues.


2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Having a good rest and going straight into the habits I was cultivating before my time away was a big positive in getting my mind back on track. It was weirdly relieving just feeling like I had gotten myself back under control.

The rest of the day as a result went really well. It changed the trajectory of what could've been a really crappy day full of destructive acting out.

Day 0 no porn
Day 0 no MO.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thanks Phineas!

Missed a day but honestly there's been nothing too exciting to report. I've just been going through the motions of day to day life, staying active whether it's going for a morning run, doing the washing, seeing a gig, calling a friend or watching a movie. This will be trickier going back to work but on the other hand that might provide an additional helpful distraction. We shall see.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
No serious urges to report. Since the holiday binge I've been pretty ruthless in shutting any remotely sexual thoughts down.

I was at a show tonight and there was a young woman near me with what appeared to be her boyfriend. She was gorgeous and there were some brief pangs of jealousy but nothing that I would connect to PMO or any porn urges/thoughts. It was perhaps more of a romantic longing but it's okay, it's only natural.

2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Habits are going well. Feeling strong & clear at the moment and it's getting easier to keep the good ones up. I had a poor sleep the previous night but the 'internal call' to get up and get into it was too strong to resist.

Good, easy day today. I wish every day could be this easy.

Day 2 no porn
Day 2 no MO

EDIT: Got the days wrong. It's actually two not one.
 
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Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Woke up much lower in mood than yesterday. I also felt a lot of urges to look at porn earlier. It's that weird feeling of restlessness mixed with flatline blankness that often takes me unawares. I often lapse in this state.

Got through it all the same but I feel like I am undermining my efforts with socialising out late and drinking too regularly. This has been for the most part social obligations which I need to start winding back or at least doing but in a way where I am getting proper sleep at the end.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
A surprising amount of thoughts today but, like yesterday, I've been able to shut them down easily enough. Just saying no in my head and thinking about something else until it goes away. Still, it's been a weird day and I need to be vigilant.

2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Yet another social event tonight with lots of drinks and probably a late finish. The last time I stayed over at this person's house under similar circumstances, I pmo'ed in the bathroom at 3AM. Not a proud moment at all!

My game plan going into this is to call it before things get too late and to keep the phone switched off at the opposite end of the room once it's time to crash.

Day 3 no porn
Day 3 no MO
 
Great determination, @Orbiter ! I hope it went well yesterday!

Something that helped me with my previous streak was that I told myself that I PMO every one or two weeks, and it does not let me move in my journey. So, this each lapse prolongs my journey and I might never achieve it with this attitude. And if I do not lapse, I will get to my goal faster. And I imagined myself cured, with better life in future, and how I do not get there because of these 1-minute weaknesses. It worked for me, maybe it can help you, too.
Anyway, I wish you to have clear mind and march toward your goal consistently, brother!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
So this is a difficult entry for me to write. I think it was a combination of two big nights with too much alcohol back to back, mixed with a good but emotional meet up with my sister (discussed some bad memories of things that happened when we were children) mixed with a negligence of the good habits, but I relapsed.

The good habits have helped but the reality this time is they've been undermined by the bad ones. In this case, the late nights and excessive drinking.

I haven't used camsites since early last year and I've managed to stay free of all of that stuff but I got home last night and, without a second thought, disabled all the safe guards and signed up. Thankfully after the first purchase of tokens my bank declined any further transactions which prevented it from getting much worse than it was. Still, I binged until about 6:30am this morning and PMOed intermittently during the day.

Really feeling the shame strongly after this one. It was my choice to do it but this time feels really demoralising. Like I betrayed myself. It pretty much ruined the day and started the week on a bad note. I'm back to work tomorrow which I'm also not particularly looking forward to and this just makes it all the worse.

The account I made there has been deleted, I'm not planning on going back. There's not much to do but press forward and get things back on track but I'm having a hard time with this recent one.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
Did not manage them today.

2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Did not manage this today. If there's one thing to take from this. The good habits can only balance out the bad so much and things like bad sleep and drinking weaken my already weak impulse control too much.

We can't have our cake and eat it too. That's just the reality here.

Day 0 no porn
Day 0 no MO
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
This is a good opportunity to explore for yourself the deeper issues at play. Yes, habits played a major role, but the conversations with your sister cued you emotionally, which the easy solution within reach was your more familiar habit-patterns.

Good on you for getting up and going forward. But really be non-judgmental here. Replace that with curiosity, and really thinking about what feelings were behind what was discussed.

Believing in you, as always!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thanks Phineas, it's always moments like these it's appreciated more than ever. I gave it some thought in the morning. I think there's a deeper correlation there and, without going into too much detail for now, my addiction started in those dark days and would escalate at the more difficult periods. I didn't have a lot of control over my life and I think I used porn primarily in those days to escape. The more I think about it, the more the parallels line up between these difficult periods in the past and my porn use.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
None today.

2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Managed to get in my routine and keep the habits on track today. Everyone was drinking at rehearsal tonight and I intentionally didn't partake. As said, we can't have our cake and eat it too.

Day 1 no porn
Day 1 no MO
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Since I've been back at work this week, it feels almost like the break never happened. Many of the dramas that plagued home & work life alike seem to have all returned almost exactly within the previous two days.

There's a sense of powerlessness. I can't reassure myself because I don't have a solution. Worse still is the lingering feeling that much of the situations & problems I'm in are in fact the culmination of either years of poor choices or mere absence of action. Porn feels like both to me.

Consequences catch up with us all, not only for the things we do wrong but the absence of things we do right.

Maybe this is something that I try to escape with PMO. The regret of actions not taken, the life with no future, the passing of time and what little is left at the end. While my younger years are a different story, in escaping through this, in running away as an adult, I have avoided facing any of these problems or really establishing anything in my life. We can't run away from the consequences forever.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
None today.


2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Work, exercise, meditation and a visit to a parent. That's basically it for today.

Day 2 no porn
Day 2 no MO
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Yikes it's been a week! Work has been extremely demanding since I returned back last week as have my music commitments. As a result, the days have been full from start to finish and there hasn't been much time for anything else. Bitter experience dictates I need to be ready when there's a lull and make sure that's when the good habits need to take a place front & centre.

Thankfully the house dramas have been somewhat resolved with some careful mediation from yours truly. Unfortunately I PMOed three times at the start of the weekend. I chalk this up to bring far too tired and having far too much to drink the previous night combined with the stressful week.

Alcohol is off the table for the meantime. It's too much of a drain on my energy, time & willpower.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
Nothing since the weekend.

2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Putting a pause on the drinking & late nights.

Day 4 no porn
Day 4 no MO
 
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