Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Almost another week between the last post. Issues with work have been really getting to me lately to the point I have been feeling regrets of even choosing the career I have. As established in recent posts, being in a life situation I have little power in the moment to change is a big cue and these thoughts did lead to a handful of PMOs over the weekend. I actually paid for a subscription but deleted it shortly after as I knew deep inside, as long as it existed, it would serve as a barrier to a clean, normal life.

So definitely not out of the game just yet but not doing well lately. There is a strong desire in me to turn this around but these intentions are ultimately only as good as what I make of them.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
Nothing since the weekend.

2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
The pause on the drinking & late nights is slowly beginning to reap benefits to energy & willpower. Other habits have suffered due to recent long work hours though.

Day 1 no porn
Day 1 no MO
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Another day down and not too much to report other than another crazy, draining day at work. Some mild dramas outside of work too but nothing unmanageable.

Managed to solve a couple of my laundry list of work related problems so that was a small step in the right direction. Even a small amount of action is something to feel good about. Baby steps...

Since stopping drinking, I'm becoming increasingly aware of how draining much of my regular weekly routine is as well as the role drinking plays to mask that. It also shines a different light on the relationship I have with managing stress & fatigue with vices such as alcohol and of course pornography.

The urge to slow down, exercise some proper self-care and make space to focus on some more nurturing, positive activities is gradually building. I feel this is a result of actually making some space for it.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
Nothing since the weekend.

2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Just working. Nothing much today unfortunately.

Day 2 no porn
Day 2 no MO
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
I feel like I need to return to regularly checking in. As busy as I may be much of the time, it's the only time I'm accountable (other than to myself) for my actions.

PMOed yesterday in the morning and again this morning. It's the same old cycle really of pushing through the week, too busy to even think about porn and finally getting to a day free where I can actually rest & recouperate then wham it hits. Sometimes I feel like I just give in because at least as depressing as it is after, I can rest and not spend my weekend in a on/off tug of war with my addiction.

That mindset unfortunately won't get me anywhere, just letting go and pushing the life I want to live and the person I want to be away for yet another week. The accumulated problems of dropping the ball on my own life to binge etc. The stress makes things difficult but perhaps my obligations are the only thing that keeps me from fully relapsing.

It seems like a vicious cycle and I'm not sure how to escape it other than through an initial, concerted effort of willpower - something I seem to struggle to muster at the best of times.

My good habits have certainly been neglected. Exercise has fallen to once a week and even then it's pretty half-hearted. I know the things that are good for me but the dark passenger in me seems to fight me all the way, even for things as simple as eating or taking a shower. It just feels like I reach a point where I just get sick of fighting myself all the time to do anything other than PMO, look at YouTube and sleep.

At least not drinking is going well.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
PMOed earlier today.

2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Nothing to add.

Day 0 no porn
Day 0 no MO
 
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Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I appreciate the 'dark passenger' reference from Dexter, and have used that in regards to my own experience, lol...

My thinking, in terms of regaining valuable momentum, is to think on recent streaks, 11 days, 8 days (?), and think on what was your mindset as you made advances.

Otherwise, good choice on checking in more often as needed...
 
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Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thanks Phineas. I think the common factor for n the longer streaks was perhaps a better routine and approaching the day, the thoughts, feelings & urges with more self awareness. There was also for whatever reason a sense of hope and purpose in doing this that has been absent for a little while. I need to get back to that.

I was really struggling to get myself to do anything today but instead of giving in, I gave the James Clear 'two minute rule' a go and, once I got into the flow of things, got quite a bit of good stuff accomplished today.

This was a lightbulb that came a little too late as before, I looked at some porn. My other self fighting back against doing anything to move things forward but I got it together in the end. Today was what it was but I'm grateful I was able to pull something good out of it.

Note to self - must remember the two minute rule.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
Looked at porn earlier today but snapped out of it and didn't PMO.

2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Ran, exercised a little, meditated, worked in some music, did some reading and cooked my meals for the week. Hopefully that should set me up for a better tomorrow.

Day 0 no porn
Day 1 no MO
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Busy week but very fruitful and much more positive than the previous. One auto-pilot PMO Friday morning but other than that, no issues this week. Not the greatest result but I'm down from two last week and multiple times the week before.

Just need to keep at it at this stage I suppose.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
Had some urges both yesterday & today. Slept through them when my energy was low and kept busy when it was high.

2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Was happy that I was able to properly rest yesterday without defaulting to PMOing multiple times. Got back on the good habits once some energy had returned.

Day 2 no porn
Day 2 no MO
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Spoke too soon with one PMO last night. It's honestly on me as, while I only did it once on the weekend, blockers have been down and I've been consuming borderline material as well as spending far too much time on the internet. No place for any of this stuff in a porn free lifestyle, I know this.

It's been a crazy year work & life-wise so far and it's been testing my resolve to grow beyond this. Lots of positive steps forward followed by very predictable steps back. There's a definite internal tug of war going on at the moment between who I was and what I want to be. Like that night spending time with my sister, old demons and doubts rise to the surface and, while I'd like to be able to take more stock in myself, I haven't set enough precedents in my life to have much stock to draw from.

The only thing I do know is giving up is not an option. I suppose I just need to keep building on the positives and keep at building a better me, bit by bit, day by day.


1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
Not so good there.

2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Much of the weekend was not a positive here. Sunday was, Monday wasn't, today was etc. Still baby steps in the grand scheme of things. I feel like it's just a matter of pushing forward from here.

Day 0 no porn
Day 0 no MO
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Another busy mid-week day. Little to report other than hum-drum life stuff but I've kept on top of it today. Just taking it one day at a time right now.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
Urges to turn off the blockers and revisit the borderline sites are present but didn't pay it too much attention. I was far too busy to give it much thought but sitting here now, it feels good to have taken down control and not be doing that to myself.

2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
Good habits were still neglected but I suppose keeping busy is in itself a good opposite to locking myself in my room and PMOing. Focusing on getting the screen time under control again which I've been much better with today.

Day 1 no porn
Day 1 no MO
 
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