Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal

[Orbiter]

Ah I did PMO later in the night so I can't take too much credit unfortunately. It really needs to be all or nothing at this stage. The best way for now to handle that stuff is to not go there in the first place. Everything blocked, no excuses, compromises or half measures there. It was however only one this time and it was fairly dull and short. As long as I keep away from here on out, it's at least an improvement from the previous weekend.

The virus I've had is still lingering unfortunately and the weekend is full of just enough obligations that rest has been difficult to make time for. It's not ideal but I suppose there's not much to do but get it when I can.

1.) Weaken the porn urges by managing them as consistently as I can using methods discussed above.
No issues since yesterday.

2.) Address the habits that lead to using porn.
No new developments.

Day 1 no porn
Day 1 no MO

 

[Phineas 808]

Hi, Orbiter! I understand the 'all or nothing' intent and its necessity, but indeed celebrate that you were able to stop the previous day. We (in this situation) need all the victories we can get. Also, you disrupted the pattern, the cycle, albeit it played out later. But nonetheless, it's those disruptions and changes to our routine, our 'ritual', that help us change our relation to this addiction for the better.

 

[Orbiter]

That's a good way to look at it Phineas. Taking more of a 'glass half full' approach to it. In hindsight that probably would have been the more positive, constructive approach to take.

So i've fully lapsed into old patterns...bad this weekend. I think the total number must be around 12 or so. Alcohol has been involved. Cam chats have been involved and I've blown over half a grand. Really unhappy with how this has panned out.

I feel like it's 'out of my system's so to speak for now but oh boy do I need to get myself back on track. Can't be neglecting myself anymore, for me the consequences are serious.

I'll post more later once I've calmed & thought things through a little better.

 

[Phineas 808]

That's a good way to look at it Phineas. Taking more of a 'glass half full' approach to it. In hindsight that probably would have been the more positive, constructive approach to take.

Definitely, Orbiter! Take a 100% non-judgmental view of yourself right now. Take all shame and blame off the table, no matter what happened- or didn't happen.

We're building new identities here, or actually unpeeling, unveiling actual identities of who we really are, creatures of immense value and preciousness and worth!

Old identities, and hence old patterns, may seem to hinder this unveiling, but you will prevail!

Think about how everything transpired, what could have been done differently? What's worked for you in the past, and what's not worked. What makes this thing 'less sticky' versus what makes it 'more sticky' (no pun intended)? "Sticky" means, more obsessive versus less obsessive.

Have full confidence in you, brother!

 

[Orbiter]

Thanks Phineas! Your support & advice is as appreciated as always.

I think the green, yellow, red patterns & behaviours are well established by now. I know what they are and what to do but i'm failing to address why/how I don't and falling into the same pattern.

Willpower & clear thinking are low when energy is low. I don't have the fight or the focus when I'm running on empty to deal with this problem as it is now. I'm going to focus this week on addressing that and what in my life drains that and what I need to have the necessary reserves in the tank to draw from.

Also losing focus is a big one. I need to have a way to remind myself and recommit so I don't lose sight of what I'm doing. That's where journalling comes in and why I feel when I'm doing my best is when I'm here regularly working through it but by bit. Lapsing or not.

The other issue is planning ahead. After years of trying to put them into place, I'm not entirely sure how well strict habits & routines work for me. So perhaps rather than that I need to take a different approach and rather than set up a rigid routine, just more intentionally plan what I'm going to do instead perhaps the night before or at the start of the day. Go into the day, particularly difficult ones like the weekend, with a game plan of how to get through.

Whatever it is, it needs to be sustainable. The problem with all or nothing is it's not sustainable and it's getting exhausting. There's a lot to unpack here and I'll endeavour to do so over the coming days.

 

[Orbiter]

It's been 8 days since I last PMOed. No peeks, no MO, nothing. Some reflections over this recent stretch of time.

I believe one of the things that has made me struggle so much this year has been the attitude to 'tough it out' and lean so heavily onto using willpower & habit change to get through. Unless there is a change in attitude and belief around what porn is, any attempt at escaping the PMO cycle is doomed to exhaustion and failure.

The belief, my deep down belief, despite any rational thoughts otherwise is porn provides temporary relief & relaxation is flawed. What am I seeking relief from? The stress? The boredom? The exhaustion? Porn created a chasm inside me that drains my life of meaning, energy, stability & happiness. It drains me of what I need to take control of and improve my own life. What we think of as temporary relief makes everything worse and doesn't provide anything real in return. Just lies.

The belief that I can indulge in sexuality and fantasy through porn robs my life of any real intimacy, sexuality or imagination. PMOing in that respect is almost the opposite of real sex or intimacy. Every time I PMO, I close the door to others and the world outside. The part of me that desires to connect with others starves inside.

The deeper we dig, the more obvious it is porn doesn't really provide an addict anything but the illusion. It's all a lie.

Life is there to be lived but it is not forever and even tomorrow is not guaranteed. I don't want to waste any more time.