Welcome back Orbiter!
Over the years, I've found my physical and mental states to be such an important part of my recovery, that they're almost one and the same. Whenever I've almost went back to porn or did go back, often I noticed I was starting to lax in other areas of my life too.I have fallen physically & mentally out of shape in recent times.
By the way, I forgot to mention a sugar addiction to some degree.In my case, all the addictive behaviors and substances have a common root: My belief that those things could fix the problems of my inner world. I got into this porn world around the age of 13 but since then I picked up an alcohol addiction, an internet/gaming addiction and, to a way lesser extent, a caffeine addiction that it's starting to form these days. Thank God I've never had drugs in my life because I would've binge them as well. I've been pretty much a magnet for addictions, that was just all I could encounter in my life. I think you have a chance when you try to find the answer to the questions: Why do I keep using those things if I know they are bad for me? And what can I do about it? As Jordan Peterson says (in my own words): What can I do today to change the trajectory of this ship a little bit. The problem can't be fixed in a day but it can be fixed a little at the time each day.
That's right. That's why I don't like online dating and social media in general. Because for me they are porn substitutes and I would start using them like this. Reddit is another bullshit place where you find stuff. Fuck them for allowing that. But what do you expect? Instagram is softcore porn all day. And I've found some pictures on Facebook... I don't even want to get into this. The idea is that those things are not called "Porn" but to me that's what they are. The fences are pushed further and further, more and more things are accepted as normal but they are softcore porn in disguise. The influence is so strong, the whole society in many countries is changed from how people dress to advertisement on the street etc. We live in some times when it's harder than ever to quit this porn world. I think the challenge is with filtering what is a healthy sexuality and what it's not. How should you look at people? Should you have fantasies with everyone you see? Should you think about sex all day? Since many societies are the way they are nowadays and with all this online excess, there is no wonder why many guys are obsessed with sex.I think another thing is i've been trying online dating again as a way to find connection but have struggled to find matches and sometimes fallen into a compulsive pattern of profile/picture viewing in a way not too dissimilar from looking at a NSFW sub-reddit or something (should stop visiting Reddit entirely)
Hey Orbiter,So it was a triple threat binge in the sense that there was not only multiple PMOs and money wasted on OF paid content that I couldn't afford but I was also drinking and even fell back into smoking cigarettes (thankfully I lost the pack sometime during the night)
One of the really bad aspects of this is that I had to loan money from my father to pay rent earlier this week due to a payroll delay at work. What do I do instead? Waste it on absolute shit.
Looking back to the anticedent of the binge, the motivation (or at least what was running through my head) was that I didn't want to spend the night at home. I wanted to go out to some places, have some drinks, see a band or two, enjoy myself, have a big night. I think the sub-text of this I was probably feeling lonely, seeking a level of connection & company from this and not wanting to spend the night alone with my thoughts.
I think another thing is i've been trying online dating again as a way to find connection but have struggled to find matches and sometimes fallen into a compulsive pattern of profile/picture viewing in a way not too dissimilar from looking at a NSFW sub-reddit or something (should stop visiting Reddit entirely)
So is there anything wrong with that? I would say no, not in and of itself. The problem is when there is an addictive impulse and we're going through a period where we're trying to quit something right? The addiction is like this sickness trying to find an outlet. It may be alcohol, it may be pornography, it may be junk food, it may be cigarettes, it may be weed, it may be cocaine etc.
The addiction itself needs to be weakened and brought under control before we can indulge & celebrate in such a fashion without relapsing.
So where do I go from here? If each vice is just another head of the same hydra so to speak, do I just break the link and stop everything that's problematic at once? Put the hard yards in and starve it in the short term? It feels like more and more, the measures I need to break away from pornography and this addictive lifestyle will require (at least in the meantime) some serious, drastic changes in lifestyle. Much more so than what I have been doing up to this poin