Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal

[Orbiter]

I like it Phineas. It's going to take work on my end to make that psychic leap but it totally makes sense. A slip-up to someone who's no longer an addict is a slip-up, not the end of the world and the end of all efforts to stay clean. If the slip-ups form a pattern than that pattern needs to be addressed but that's fine. And after all, the brain may take a few months to heal or whatever but does that mean we have to get to that point before we can say we've quit porn? There's no arbitrary number of days where someone goes from 'trying to quit' to 'quit' and even if there were, it'd be just that, arbitrary right? Anyway, let's see how this goes.

For accountability's sake, I did MO this morning. I woke up and my brain felt like it was being barraged with urges, fantasies & thoughts. I MOed to sensation and went back to sleep. No more urges. I know it's not great and i'm not particularly happy about it but I feel as long as I can make it through this weekend without porn, make it through a hangover without PMOing etc. I can set a precedent that I can actually do this and not only that, do it easier & cleaner next time.

I am over the half-way point in getting through this weekend. I'm looking forward to going into next week with a bit of momentum and hopefully in a better state of mind. It has been very low this week and existing like this is a exhausting & dispiriting experience in and of itself.

Still no PMO, no porn, no peeking, no borderline searches, nothing like that. It's Day 4.

 

[Orbiter]

Sorry guys, one PMO today. Very dissapointing. I feel like I really could've avoided this one and let myself and all of you down.

I did it after a stay over at a friends place where I had too much to drink the night before, a mild arguement with him at the end of the night and not enough sleep. Feels like I was doing it before I realised and unfortunately missed some things I was supposed to do today.

Exhaustion & autopilot really go hand in hand and I need to be more drastic with curbing the alcohol & sleeping better in the short term. The solution is I think simply to avoid drinking & sleeping over for the short term.

I know i've said all of this before but this time i'm doing it. No give ups, no chaser effect, no rumination. Gotta get up and keep going! Day 0

EDIT: I should probably add that the 'cue' was a risque profile on a dating app. Should've known I wasn't ready to be back on there but at the very least i'm reminded now.

 

[Phineas 808]

Orbiter, being able to recognize all the contributing factors and to come on here with such tenacity is highly commendable.

When the levee breaks, they'll be no stopping you, brother! You'll soon have all the motivation and momentum on your side.

 

[Orbiter]

I hope you're right Phineas.

Day 1. Not much to report today. Woke up with the usual 'hangover' & brain-fog associated with too many accumulative instances acting out but the day was mercifully lacking in challenges and actually turned out somewhat alright. Honestly i'll take a little break like that where I can get it.

Thinking back to the weekend, I think I have to be mindful of the tendency I have to hyper-focus on very specific strategies. It's as if there's a part of me that's like 'Aha! That's where I was going wrong. I will use this as my strategy' ignoring other things in the past that also helped. The reality is I have to use a combination of all of them to address different the 'heads of the hydra' so to speak.

On the other hand, I need to be mindful not to over-complicate things which is my other extreme/opposite tendency and to an extent consider what role shame plays in informing a faulty approach to recovery.

I also need to relearn some patience and, as frustrating as it is, find a way to let the process take it's course and stop pushing against myself so much.

I will take some time to re-read through both my page one 'manifesto' and strategies of the past that either worked or did not.

 

[Phineas 808]

I also need to relearn some patience and, as frustrating as it is, find a way to let the process take it's course and stop pushing against myself so much.

I will take some time to re-read through both my page one 'manifesto' and strategies of the past that either worked or did not.

Good ideas and strategy, especially (as tedious as it may be) going through your journal(s) and seeing what worked, and what didn't work- and in particular, what were the mindsets that prevailed when you were more true to your goals versus those when you were not. And then, base a new approach on your findings... I've certainly had to reassess my approach in this manner before.

 

[Orbiter]

Going back I feel like much of the useful stuff is already summarised in my page one post. I unfortunately have a tendency to 'forget' all these strategies, insights and lessons, often in the moment where they are needed the most. It's like my mind can't hold onto it or stick to it for any meaningful period of time much less when urges/withdrawals are at their peak. A way to meaningfully remind myself of my goals is perhaps in order.

Day 2 today. Day was largely uneventful but found myself falling into excessive fantasy surrounding a work colleague of mine today. I discussed a brief period of chemistry between us in my journal last year, something which thankfully we never acted out on. I'm not sure why it came up so strongly in my thoughts today. Perhaps it's merely withdrawals and my brain is just coping with not being flooded with graphic, hyper-sexualised imagery for a couple of days.

There's a place where we must hold space for feelings but I wonder if in doing so, I sometimes legitimize and give too much power to thoughts & urges that aren't real or don't serve me in any meaningful way.

 

[Orbiter]

Day 4 today. It's getting late and i'm tired so no big post but i'm doing alright. Hope those of you reading this are as well.

 

[Orbiter]

Today is Day 1

3 x PMO yesterday. Paid for content again and binged on some particularly hardcore content that I would usually not and am certainly not very proud of. One just after midnight before bed and two in a row waking up. I think the mechanism behind why we binge is a combination of the emotional i.e the feelings of shame & disappointment and the porn flashbacks & dreams that follow the more intense & troubling relapses. The lapsed compound on eachother and the emotions + flashbacks get more intense until you reach a point where it becomes physically difficult, uncomfortable and yes, too depressing to continue.

Thankfully I had arrangements to meet up with a friend coming from interstate so, instead of laying around the house feeling awful or lapsing again, I had to get myself together, get out of the apartment and do something. I also got in some quality exercise before going out despite every atom of my being screaming at me not to. It definitely helped.

Exercised & meditated this morning before breakfast. Still learning to snap back but I feel like i'm getting better at this. I discussed with several friends I usually drink with that i'm not going to be drinking for the foreseeable future. So far they have been understanding and supportive.

Still stuck in this weekly PMO cycle it seems. I suppose I just need to keep pushing, keep grinding, keep learning & actually putting the lessons that can be learnt from this into practice.

 

[Phineas 808]

You'll do it, Orbiter! You're on your way... Always seek those "Aha!" moments, those deeper lessons- heart level. Being around a while (like myself), we certainly know a lot about all the little rules, what to avoid, where not to go, how to do this or that..., but think of all that as- yes, practical- but go deeper, always go deeper. Challenge yourself to learn on a deeper, more cellular level.

Be kind to yourself, gentle. Set yourself up for success, give yourself a level playing field, but come at it from within, if that makes sense. It's kind of like realizing what's already true- you know, when things always come back down to a normalcy, an equanimity, and to realize that this is your base, your default setting. We use porn, mo, or drinking to kind of 'get there' faster, but if we just wait things out (practice the pause), things will invariably go back to this equanimity on their own.

Be well, brother!

 

[Orbiter]

I'll take it on board. Thank you Phineas

Day 1 today.

 

[forceisstrong2]

Hey Orbitor,

I read your recent post. So this is my journey to quitting. Last year I was like relapsing every weekend. By the start of this year I was like relapsing once a month. Then during I kinda quit for good. I'm on 71 days. I'm not getting cocky. I know this fucking addition still wants me dead. But at the moment, I'm doing good. Aiming for those 90 days.

For me at least key is learning after a relapse. Any time I relapsed I learned from it. I relapsed because I was hungover. Stopped drinking for a month. I started watching porn through a VPN. So I used a new blocking software to block VPN. Keep learning. Keep finding ways to start clean of this motherfucker. Build up those days. The relapses become less intense. But starts to lose it's hold.

Also, and here is a big one, it's useful to shock your system by introducing a big life change in your life. I don't know. Join an acting group where in one month you have to perform a play. Start a new job where your mind can't be fucked because of porn. Get a real girlfriend - fucking crazy I know. The thing is, porn is a sign that your life is out of balance. That you need more of the good stuff in it - interesting life, good friends, a loved one to share it with, all of that good stuff.

Porn is like the opposite of all that. It feeds off our misery. It's a cunning, conniving motherfucker.

Anyway, rant over. It's great to hear you are making progress. Aim to stay clean for a week. Then aim for two, then three, then try a month. By then, you should be leaving this crappy addiction behind you.

Best of luck!

Force!

 

[Orbiter]

^ Quality post up here Force. Some really good, practical strategies and good advice. Definitely taking it on board and will consider how some of these things apply to my situation.

So it's Day 0 again. Been PMOing twice a day on average since my last post. Having a really difficult time breaking free of porn for even 24 hours at this stage. Without elaborating too much, there's things going on in my life, in my therapy, work, music etc. that are taking me outside my comfort zone. They are making me face a lot of my own limitations, past failures and some sad memories. I believe I am trying to escape these uncomfortable feelings and being accountable/responsible for my part in it as usual through excessive porn.

Some would say simplify and just focus on PMO, but the place that i'm at in my life hasn't left me much choice but to face my problems. With all that said, I don't believe this is something that is preventing me from quitting porn, in the long term I think it will be quite the opposite. Part of this accountability in regards to breaking free of this addiction is learning from relapses and APPLYING the lessons rather than repeating the same patterns and falling back again and again.

Looking back through past entries and reminding myself of my three circles chart, the common preceding patterns of behaviour that lead me to relapsing tend to be:

* Using the computer on the couch and in bed late at night or when excessively tired
* Drinking, being drunk and/or hungover leading to reduced impulse control
* Being overly tired...also leading to reduced impulse control
* Procrastinating on solving problems that are causing me stress/anxiety
* Looking at non pornographic media/material related to my fetishes
* Borderline image searches aka porn substitutes
* Borderline imdb searches aka porn substitutes
* Looking at escort sites as a porn 'substitute'
* Excessive amounts of time doing nothing at home alone on weekends
* Mindless computer use & internet browsing on the couch
* Being emotionally triggered by the news & social media
* Excessive ruminating, dwelling on sad memories, past conflicts, imaginary arguments etc.
* Dating apps (mindless swiping, using pictures as porn subs instead of any actual interaction)
* Using the computer and/or phone in the bathroom
* Catastrophising or excessive, anxious dwelling on potential future problems
* Excessive focus in 'abstinence'. Obsessing about days, triggers etc. in turn giving the addiction too much power
* Bringing devices to bed
* Too much caffeine in a short period of time
* Excessive fantasizing concerning women I know, ex-gfs, escorts, make believe scenarios

If i'm to move forward. These issues need to be address with consistent strategies thought out in advance. These are the same mistakes i've been making forever. They are part of the routine & lifestyle of being a porn addict and they all play into eachother.

If i'm going to get anywhere, I need to do the work and take these things seriously moving forward. If I want to live a life free of porn, I need to start living like i'm actually free from porn.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I know what you're talking about Orbiter. I can't say I'm doing better. I thought I had it figured out then I binged and since then I can't even reach 10 days. The thing about focus on porn vs include quitting porn in a bigger plan is tricky enough for me. Some people say focus on 90 days no porn first then think about what you can fix in your life, as they claim in should be easier. I don't know how true this is for everyone but I've definitely tried a lot of this: Push myself past my limits to achieve a longer streak and it seemed that my problems were a little easier, I was less neurotic, less social anxious, less depressed and less tired ( a lot more energy, in the beginning I was afraid I had become bipolar because it looked like a manic episode, I was running around at work like speedy Gonzales. However, I know for sure that this doesn't happen without 3-4 weeks no porn).

However, what happens is that I crashed before being able to use this momentum streak to put things in motion. I haven't even achieved 1 month in a looong time. So I don't know if I have the ability to focus on a longer streak first then add things up (fixing my life etcetera). Probably I will have to include quitting porn in a bigger transformation plan. Maybe this thing with "focus on quitting porn first, man" might work for people who have pretty much things figured out in their lives and porn is their main problem right now (or PIED). I don't know, just assuming/imagination exercise. But for people like me who have this voice in my head that walks all over me telling me I don't have anything going on in my life, I am not satisfied with it even one bit, then this thing becomes a matter of transformation, I am not really capable of focusing on quitting porn for 90 days as I don't even reach 90 days, eventually the desperation to "take a break" from myself becomes so strong, the mental misery/depression etcetera become so fuckin crushing that I eventually medicate.

Therefore I thought: Okay, if I can't just put my shit life on hold for 90 days first, maybe I should rather focus on fixing my life and hopefully the need to medicate with porn (and alcohol) won't be as powerful/urgent. But what happens is that this means I can relapse any time and I still experience the post-PMO hangovers and all the effects it has on me anyway. I still feel lethargic, neurotic, depressed, high social anxiety and shit sleep anyway. That's why all this became very tricky. For the quality of my life, I urgently need to completely stop this fuckin PMO practice. But as a realistic plan for my life, maybe it's not possible at this incipient stage of my transformation attempt. And I'm caught in the middle and taking all the blows so far. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my fuckin mind. I know I should break everything into small steps. The thought of "How long will it take until I feel better about my life and myself?" is killing me.

 

[Orbiter]

Thanks for dropping by Escape. Sorry to hear of your recent troubles but i'm sure once you make a decision on how best to tackle it this time around, you will be able to get back to where you were. All the best man.

Feeling the after effects of the weekend bingeing this morning but really that is something that is neither here nor there. Actions have consequences, there were choices that I made and I believe accepting this is a part of building the strength & momentum to own this addiction and seriously tackle it. To that end, doing the morning exercise & meditation again have somewhat helped clear the fog.

I have very little time to post this morning but moving forward I will start tackling the behaviour list I wrote above and figure out both why they're happening as well as what I will do to avoid falling into these patterns moving forward.

 

[Orbiter]

Day 2 today. Not much I know but it's better than 1 or 0.

I was looking back at the list of behaviours I wrote down. I think rather than a list, it is better to think of these things as a chain of events that lead to PMO

Eg - Drunk/Hungover and/or Tired -> Mindless computer browsing on couch -> Any porn substitute or online trigger -> Lapse

So regarding which I need to tackle first. It would make sense at this 'early' stage the original antecedent is the one to focus on.

A big one is drinking, being drunk and/or hungover leading to reduced impulse control

Time and time again I have proved this is not something I can responsibly handle during recovery so, for the time being, I need to stop.

I told most of my friends as I stated in my journal but I made a concession recently for a friends birthday. Surprise, surprise the exact chain of events happened the morning after along with not getting enough sleep and taking the computer to bed.

An additional issue is it impacts my ability to consistently maintain the good habits on my Three Circles Chart. These are important to my recovery.

What I have to remember is this is temporary and something I can re-assess at a later point in time. It's not becoming a tee-totaller forever, punishing myself or even having to go through quitting a seperate, serious addiction or anything like what some others here have had to do with alcohol. I simply need to stop while i'm rebooting.

I understand PMO urges will come regardless but if i'm to handle them, I need to give myself the best chance i've got rather than put myself into the same situations again and again. Removing the alcohol removes a serious, regularly recurring antecedent and I think will have a positive impact on my progress.

More to come.

 

[Phineas 808]

Good luck in setting alcohol aside for now, Orbiter.

Because it’s not so restrictive, this may be a good thing to do while you gain some distance from porn or the ritual behaviors leading to it.

Drinking can be reintroduced perhaps when other habits are changed, and good supportive habits are implemented.

 

[Orbiter]

Thanks Phineas. I feel like porn for me at the moment is like a super-tight elastic band. Every time I stretch even a little way away it snaps back hard and fast. I need to take some drastic short term measures just to weaken the hold, stretch the band to the point I can realistically stay clean before considering sustainable recovery.

When I quit smoking. For the first two weeks there was no chance at all of me coping with being around people smoking. There's no way I could've lasted an hour without giving in. These days it is almost no problem but that's only because I took those measures at the start to 'dry out'.

For the short term I have to be very strict. Obviously it's not sustainable but it doesn't have to be. Sustainability can and will be consider once i've broken this cycle i've been stuck forever in.

 

[Orbiter]

Day 4 today - Just another day really.

Mood is very, very low today. On top of the general low-level discomfort of disrupting a lot of my 'relaxation' routines that lead to PMO, I had a important but very difficult therapy session the previous day. There is also some challenges waiting for me at work on Monday that i'm not looking forward to but, like yesterday, they will be faced and overcome one way or another.

As difficult as these things are. There's little that feels as awful as coming out the other end of a PMO binge and nothing worse that facing the week feeling less than empty. Facing these challenges is progress, and in progress I can find hope.

My exercise, meditation, friends & music are an anchor to me at the moment. It is very easy for me to put my time and effort into these things and receive immediate positive feedback. The routine, positive brain chemicals & even the challenge itself gives me something to tackle and something to hang on to even when times seem dark & uncertain. As for the friends, as an introvert, I rely on space & time to myself to recharge and find it uncomfortable & stressful to be busy. Being busy and proactive however is exactly what I need to be doing in the short term, not only to stay away from porn but to cultivate a life after it that is feels worth living.

To this extent, the next group of behaviours I need to address revolve around procrastination and using devices as a tool for escape & relaxation. This has been discussed earlier as the idea of 'letting go'. Apart from the drinking, these behaviours specifically are:

* Using the computer on the couch and in bed late at night or when excessively tired
* Excessive amounts of time doing nothing at home alone on weekends
* Mindless computer use & internet browsing on the couch
* Using the computer and/or phone in the bathroom
* Bringing devices to bed

These specific routines are involved in almost every relapse I have had in the last few years. Using devices as a form of relaxation & procrastination doesn't always lead to PMO but when it does the two are linked hand in hand. I think the appeal of this is it's an easy way to mentally & emotionally escape from any stresses or worries. The world dissappears as we immerse ourselves in the comfort of the screens & endless gratification. As we all know, literally a whole day can vanish into thin air. PMO in many respects is this mechanism turbo charged.

So there is a very clear, bad habit with using the internet & such devices to unwind that needs to change. There is an established link between escaping through the internet and escaping through porn.

To this end I need to use computers/devices mindfully for specific purposes. I don't think I need to be too legalistic or restrictive about what these things are as they are common sense. Work-related matters, music/gig organising, emails, recovery journaling. They need to be used as tools rather than an activity.

Does this mean I am no longer unable to use them or unwind? Absolutely not. Just not together in this way. This, like all of these things, can be reassessed at another point in the future.

Another issue is using devices, even mindfully, when excessively tired. My willpower in the moment is much lower at times in the way when I am tired. Therefore I plan to limit my use of internet devices in general to do all the necessary things around the start of the day. Later in the day will be for relaxing, socialising, reading, creative things etc. Beyond that, I need to recognise when I am tired and be aware if I am in a state where using internet devices puts me in danger.

The final area that needs to be addressed is the location of using these devices. Using them in places of relative comfort such as the couch, the bed, the toilet etc leads to using them in a particular way. Devices are for purposeful spaces such as the desk.

Once again, I have to state that none of these things are silver bullets. I'll still have to face urges & discomfort sooner or later. What this is about is breaking the habits that lead me down the path of compulsive porn use. This I have to do.

More to come.

 

[Orbiter]

Day 5. It's the last day of the weekend today. Which means, once i've made it through today, it will be the third...maybe fourth time this year I have gone a whole weekend porn free.

As I say this though, I need to be honest that there are flashbacks and urges swimming around in my brain and that familiar tension in the chest. That's okay though because once i've finished this post, the internet will go off for the day and I have many things I can do to make something of the day I can look back on feeling satisfied and accomplished with. As is so often the case, I know what I need to do, it's making the decision to commit to it, follow through until the day is done. Rinse. Repeat.

Feeling okay today. Wishing you all the same.

 

[Orbiter]

Day 6 today. Not much time to post this morning. The rest of yesterday was quite difficult with persistent urges and low mood, complicated by my friend cancelling at the last minute leaving me without plans for the evening and plenty of idle time to wallow in bad feelings & entertain urges. I however pushed through, got myself out of the house for a long drive and once home played a couple of hours of Ocarina of Time to pass the time. Not the most amazing evening but it hey, it worked right?

It feels good to have made it through the weekend without PMO, porn or any substitutes. It goes to show that, at least in the short term, the above strategies are working. Once i've made it through this working week, it'll just be a matter of repeating again, weakening the habit one weekend at a time.