Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Hi everyone,

I’m Orbiter. Some of you will know me from my old journal which I felt necessary to abandon to truly move forward. If you desire to read it, you can find it here https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/12707/

To recap, I am 38 years old, single and I been a regular user of pornography from the age of 12. Since losing my virginity at age 17, I have suffered with various forms of sexual dysfunction which gradually escalated to PIED by around 2010 or so. My use of pornography for much of my life has been compulsive by nature, escalating into areas & genres I am uncomfortable with and has repeatedly violated my beliefs, values, self-esteem & self of identity.

I can safely say this addiction has been the most destructive force in my adolescent and adult life.

Today marks roughly the 10 year anniversary since discovering yourbrainonporn.com back in late April 2012. Since then I have faced many challenges & changes in recovery and my life as a whole. I have had some successes but have so far failed in beating this addiction.

My goal is to break free from my 20-year-plus addiction to pornography. I have divided this period into what I think are sensible milestones for quitting.


QUIT PMO TIMELINE

Goal 1 - 24 hours
Goal 2 - 3 days
Goal 3 - 1 week

Goal 4 - 10 days
Goal 5
- 2 weeks
Goal 6
- 1 month
Goal 7
- 2 months
Goal 8
- 3 months


The plan over the course of these milestones is to gradually transition from breaking the addiction towards developing healthier habits & coping mechanisms in life.

I plan to reward myself upon reaching goal 3, 5, 6, 7 & 8.

NOTE 24/4/22 - The first reward will be treating myself to dinner & a movie of my choice.


MY APPROACH

1.) The Core Fundamental:

This consists of abstaining from P, MO, edging, p sub, fantasy, flashbacks, online escort searching or any other borderline behaviours.

The other, perhaps even more important area is urge control. This will be managed using the AWARE method:

A - Acceptance. Be accepting, even welcoming of the anxious feelings, urges or fantasies;

W- Watchful. Watch as an outside observer without judgment, with compassion and understanding.

A- Act. Take action on these feelings, in terms of breathing deep, staying calm in the moment.

R- Repeat. Repeat steps 1-3, until the feeling passes.

E- Expect. Know that these feelings of anxiety, triggers, or urges will come, but have an expectancy that you will handle them successfully.


The intention of this is to starve my addiction and create space in my life to take control. The measure of my well-being & potential risk for relapse will be informed by my 3 Circles chart.


2.) The Replacement:


This consists of replacement habits and activities that disrupt the addictive cycle and fill the day with more meaningful pursuits & outcomes. Morning exercise & meditation are a fundamental routine habit that has given me positive outcomes in the past. Additional activities are in my Fail Safe Chart


3.) The acceptance:


This is about the changing internal dialogue, self talk & false beliefs (known by some as the ‘brainwashing’) throughout this process. The core of this is an acceptance that I will move forward from this addiction which means leaving behind all of it’s perceived comforts and pleasures, that I have gone as far as I can living this lifestyle and need to change to move forward. Porn is no longer an option.


4.) The Additional:


For a temporary period, I will need to give up certain habits & routines that endanger the quitting process. This will be temporary & as strict as necessary. Potential things that be excessive alcohol consumption, internet on the weekend, sexually suggestive media. Using internet in the bedroom or the bathroom etc.

JOURNAL QUICK LINKS

More to come soon...
 
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ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Orbiter,

Well done on creating a thorough plan of action. I'm really digging the AWARE method!

The replacement is also a very nice point as the habits surrounding our addiction can de defining in whether or not we relapse.

Acceptance; this perhaps can be one of the more difficult thing to change in our thought process as we are consiously trying to battle our subconsious mind. I think it's safe to say that it's also one of the most pivotal, perhaps even the most pivotal, point that can help us leave the addiction behind.

Additonal; I think this is in the same catergory, but not similar to the replacement. At our core we have a porn addiction. But surrounding that there are a lot of small behaviours, sub-routines if you will, that help guide us towards the addictive behaviour. Some we can replace, others we're best of to simply leave behind.


Overal I think you've a very solid foundation for beating the addiction. Together with a nice set of milestones. So you've made your plan concrete and measurable. If I were to give you one piece of advice it's something that I myself struggling with as well and that is to make the addional more concrete. Set up this list asap so that you know what you're in for and that there can be no room for interpretation.


As always I am rooting for you my friend
 
Sounds like a very structured plan - I like it!
You thought about what movie you're gonna watch when you hit goal 3?
Hope it works out - I'm looking forward to following your progress 💪
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Hi Shade,

It would be wrong for me to take credit for AWARE as that's a Phineas technique. Not entirely dissimilar from your own six point plan yes? I think any variation of that mindful intervention would be helpful and I admit it's something I struggle with. I think there is an element of procrastination in my lapses which is something I really need to take seriously. This "fuck it, it's been a rough week, you're tired etc. just this one more time and we'll start properly next time Orbiter" attitude gets me time & time again. That's an issue of attitude, intention & self-deception on my part which I will have to face if I am to make it past a week ever again. It's just one weekend, i'm sure I can do it.

The 'additional' is admittedly one I struggle with. If I make it too strict, I won't be able to sustain it for long enough but if I make it too vague, I can deceive myself into crossing the boundaries to relapse. Off the top of my head, I can think of two particularly recurrent additional behaviours that put me in danger which are:

1.) Excessive/aimless internet use on the couch for long periods of time
I would say this contributes to most of my relapses these days. Bingeing on internet junk feels almost like a mild PMO binge at times. It also affects my self-esteem wasting a day of my life to it which leads to feelings of guilt & hopelessness that also feed into the depressive PMO cycle. The short term solution is what I outlined above with mindful, intentional browsing at set times of the day where I am less likely to relapse. The idea is that with the time away I will hopefully adapt to occupying my time with things that actually make a positive impact on my life and don't just waste time.

2.) Alcohol
The other main reason. I don't PMO when i'm drunk but I do PMO when I am hungover. I have taken breaks from alcohol in the past but I have found it difficult while abstaining from PMO at the same time. Therefore I am going to try something different this time. I will allow myself to drink but it under the following conditions:

* Strict two drink limit
* Only drinking in public a.k.a bar, restaurant, a film, a friends house etc.


The idea is giving myself some leeway in this is to make it sustainable during a period where my willpower & resolve will be tested throughout. If it doesn't work I will need to think of something else.

I'm sure there are more that will come to me but these seem the central habits. I am good at keeping devices out of the bedroom these days but I have found them sneaking into the bathroom more and more but point one should address this.

More to come in this area. I will give the additionals further thoughtl

Thank you for the continuing support Shade! Wishing you well
 
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Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Sounds like a very structured plan - I like it!
You thought about what movie you're gonna watch when you hit goal 3?
Hope it works out - I'm looking forward to following your progress 💪
Hi Particularly,

I'm not sure yet as i'm really out of the loop with what's on so I think i'll leave to chance and rock up to my favourite picture house (haven't been since the start of the pandemic) and see what's showing.

Thanks for dropping by and for your support. All strength to you brother!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
First goal of 24 hours is complete!

I struggled this morning to get myself together and get my exercise/meditation happening in the morning but once I pushed through and got some momentum happening, I started to pick up. Either way, I did most of what I intended to do today and had a productive morning around the house and a jam with a friend later in the day as I had the day off work. It felts good to not waste a day PMOing/glued to the computer.

One thing I am conscious of this time is not 'over-indulging' in my moods with my journal entries. While I need to acknowledge them and their effect on my, the overly blog-ish nature of my last journal meant that it became less & less focused on making any meaningful progress in recovery. I will endeavor to make this journal something of greater substance.

Additionally I also need to remember that I need to be leading my own recovery. In the past, I have looked to often for others to provide the answers instead of growing, learning & reflecting for myself. This passivity is a bad habit that extends to many areas in my life and something else I will need to address moving forward.

Today is Day 1

Wishing you all well in your journeys today
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
The 'additional' is admittedly one I struggle with. If I make it too strict, I won't be able to sustain it for long enough but if I make it too vague, I can deceive myself into crossing the boundaries to relapse.
I can only say: SAME! This is very recognizable with me. Hence me asking! ;)
1.) Excessive/aimless internet use on the couch for long periods of time
I would say this contributes to most of my relapses these days. Bingeing on internet junk feels almost like a mild PMO binge at times. It also affects my self-esteem wasting a day of my life to it which leads to feelings of guilt & hopelessness that also feed into the depressive PMO cycle. The short term solution is what I outlined above with mindful, intentional browsing at set times of the day where I am less likely to relapse. The idea is that with the time away I will hopefully adapt to occupying my time with things that actually make a positive impact on my life and don't just waste time.
Again, also recognizable especially it feeling like a binge if you do it for long enough. Scientifically I know that quick browsing on social media sites also trigger the dopamine system. That's why they are so addictive as well. Yet also, a distinction here is needed. Sometimes it's ok to just let go and mindlessly do something for a bit. In fact that is very healthy. But what is a healthy medium online and what is not. Personally i look up web comics. But perhaps for us addicts we should adhere to your replacement rule: Any activity that resembles P use or triggers the same parts of our brain should be off limit. So I can imagine things like Instagram, Facebook, 9gag, etc. I do admit that i'm still on 9gag (don't ask why as it is a cesspool that makes you loose hope in humanity). So typing this I'm questioning myself and my actions.

The trick is to find meaningfull replacement. I mean this forum is a very good one ;) perhaps some other forums that align with your hobbies / interests?
2.) Alcohol
The other main reason. I don't PMO when i'm drunk but I do PMO when I am hungover. I have taken breaks from alcohol in the past but I have found it difficult while abstaining from PMO at the same time. Therefore I am going to try something different this time. I will allow myself to drink but it under the following conditions:

* Strict two drink limit
* Only drinking in public a.k.a bar, restaurant, a film, a friends house etc.


The idea is giving myself some leeway in this is to make it sustainable during a period where my willpower & resolve will be tested throughout. If it doesn't work I will need to think of something else.
Hangover induced relapses are unfortunately not uncommon with us addicts. Ideally one does not drink at all indeed, but as you've indicated, that is hard for you. But your rule about only doing it in social events is a good start i guess. But, when you're had 2 drinks; are you able to control yourself to not have a third? I guess that is the biggest question you've got to ask yourself.

Giving leeway is something I like, you're only human after all and trying to quit to many things at once doesn't work.

And what if AWARE is not your own, as long as it works right?

You just keep kicking ass like you're doing right now, I think you've found a realy solid foundation for beating the addiction.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
All good points Shade and i'd be lying if I said I knew the answer for sure. I do know personally that prohibitive measures in the past have not been sustainable for me and in fact, increase the urge to indulge (the forbidden fruit effect if you will). So instead of blocking out things like social media, web comics, Youtube or whatnot, I am trying a shift toward intentionally, purposefully using such sites with limits. By this I make an internal agreement with myself of what I am using the site for, stick to that and then close the site once i'm finished. This applies to using the computer in general and, to an extent, alcohol usage as well. The limits around the internet are at times where I feel the risk of relapse is minimal.

Obviously there are things that need to be off limits which is anything of a sexual nature. P, P subs, racy social media, borderline image searches, escort sites & adds, sites that I have mainly used for pornography in the past are all things that are off-limits. If there are additional sites that I cannot control my usage of (dating sites have become a problem as had Reddit) they need to go for a period of time too.

An additional point that springs to mind for me is that this addiction is a chameleon. Urges are tricky and can take many shapes & forms. What is a problem for me may be different next week from what it is at the moment. Vigilance & reflection is required.

Who knows, it might not work but I feel like I need to shift my focus and try different approaches if i'm to make any progress again.

Thanks for the continued support & constructive discussion. Wishing you well today!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
I had some very strong urges this morning and lots of PMO-esque dreams which I found quite surprising given the relatively early period in this new journey. I persevered all the same and kept to my morning routine. Work was exhausting and I did stop by the pub for a beer on the way home but, apart from that, I have been mostly on track so far.

There is little to report at this stage other than that. Just doing what I can do stay course and be prepared for whatever challenges lie around the corner.

It is Day 2 today
 

SebUK

Active Member
Hi Orbiter

I like your journal first entry. I think you are a bit like me - you seem very organised and conscientious!

I wonder if you have used a psychologist over the years of your struggle and whether you have found this useful? I'm currently trying to decide whether to go back to one or keep going by myself. My argument for the latter is I know what I need to do; I just need to do it. One of my psychologists actually got annoyed at me for not doing anything and just seeing him without making changes! His annoyance stuck with me in a good way and now I think I just need to take action and not count action as telling a psychologist my problems.

I also agree with your idea about limiting internet usage. I'm actually trying to limit screen usage. I only realised the other day that I have spent almost my entire life (since I was 12 and got a computer) in front of some form of screen. In the late 1990s/2000s a desktop. Then when smart phones came in, that was added to the mix. And through all that time, TV. My life and needs and wants are almost solely being met through screens and not real life. Obviously this is most problematic when it comes to sex/intimacy via porn.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I had some very strong urges this morning and lots of PMO-esque dreams which I found quite surprising given the relatively early period in this new journey. I persevered all the same and kept to my morning routine. Work was exhausting and I did stop by the pub for a beer on the way home but, apart from that, I have been mostly on track so far.

There is little to report at this stage other than that. Just doing what I can do stay course and be prepared for whatever challenges lie around the corner.

It is Day 2 today
I know, man. It's annoying for me too when urges start "too early". It's crazy that I have a better chance of tolerating urges on day 20 than on day 4.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Hey Orbiter,

Well done on creating a thorough plan of action. I'm really digging the AWARE method!

The replacement is also a very nice point as the habits surrounding our addiction can de defining in whether or not we relapse.

Acceptance; this perhaps can be one of the more difficult thing to change in our thought process as we are consiously trying to battle our subconsious mind. I think it's safe to say that it's also one of the most pivotal, perhaps even the most pivotal, point that can help us leave the addiction behind.

Additonal; I think this is in the same catergory, but not similar to the replacement. At our core we have a porn addiction. But surrounding that there are a lot of small behaviours, sub-routines if you will, that help guide us towards the addictive behaviour. Some we can replace, others we're best of to simply leave behind.


Overal I think you've a very solid foundation for beating the addiction. Together with a nice set of milestones. So you've made your plan concrete and measurable. If I were to give you one piece of advice it's something that I myself struggling with as well and that is to make the addional more concrete. Set up this list asap so that you know what you're in for and that there can be no room for interpretation.


As always I am rooting for you my friend
Sounds good, man. I know what you mean, I've created a new journal too because I felt that the one I had had become too repetitive and depressing, but now I'm back to it. I don't know, maybe one day I can read it from the start and see the struggle and the change, when I'm done with porn, which I hope will happen. Stay strong!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Hi Orbiter

I like your journal first entry. I think you are a bit like me - you seem very organised and conscientious!

I wonder if you have used a psychologist over the years of your struggle and whether you have found this useful? I'm currently trying to decide whether to go back to one or keep going by myself. My argument for the latter is I know what I need to do; I just need to do it. One of my psychologists actually got annoyed at me for not doing anything and just seeing him without making changes! His annoyance stuck with me in a good way and now I think I just need to take action and not count action as telling a psychologist my problems.

I also agree with your idea about limiting internet usage. I'm actually trying to limit screen usage. I only realised the other day that I have spent almost my entire life (since I was 12 and got a computer) in front of some form of screen. In the late 1990s/2000s a desktop. Then when smart phones came in, that was added to the mix. And through all that time, TV. My life and needs and wants are almost solely being met through screens and not real life. Obviously this is most problematic when it comes to sex/intimacy via porn.

Hi Seb,

Being organised and conscientious is definitely something I aspire to. I don't always live up to this but i've found life is at it's best when I am.

I have been seeing a psychologist since the beginning of 2021. She has helped with a lot of areas of my life but pornography addiction is something which she doesn't seem to pay much focus to and, though has never stated it, seems somewhat skeptical of. I have some reservations myself about all this recently but I think 'checking in' with someone who will make you ask yourself questions that might not have occurred to you definitely has value. I suppose we get out what we put it right? Just like everything I suppose.

I am in the same boat as you with the screens. My life has panned out in a very similar fashion though I was and am still somewhat resistant to smartphones (still have to use one :/). It makes me sad sometimes thinking about how might I have missed out on living this way. Even though I still really like computers for things like programing, music production, art and general tinkering/fiddling, I really want to shift my life in a direction that is less centred around screens. If you have any breakthroughs in that area, please feel free to share.

Thanks for your support & thought, definitely given me food for my own!

Keep fighting the good fight
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hi, Orbiter! I just found your new journal, and am still catching up!

Really excellent stuff here! I like your plan, your approach, and your energy coming into this. I like how above you said that you want to make your journal meaningful, and not simply bloggish- that's what I had to do, too!

I like also how you said that you had to find your own path, your own meaningful approach, toward your own learning and progress, which it sounds like you have.

So excited for your fresh and new approach, brother!
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hi Seb,

Being organised and conscientious is definitely something I aspire to. I don't always live up to this but i've found life is at it's best when I am.

I have been seeing a psychologist since the beginning of 2021. She has helped with a lot of areas of my life but pornography addiction is something which she doesn't seem to pay much focus to and, though has never stated it, seems somewhat skeptical of. I have some reservations myself about all this recently but I think 'checking in' with someone who will make you ask yourself questions that might not have occurred to you definitely has value. I suppose we get out what we put it right? Just like everything I suppose.

I am in the same boat as you with the screens. My life has panned out in a very similar fashion though I was and am still somewhat resistant to smartphones (still have to use one :/). It makes me sad sometimes thinking about how might I have missed out on living this way. Even though I still really like computers for things like programing, music production, art and general tinkering/fiddling, I really want to shift my life in a direction that is less centred around screens. If you have any breakthroughs in that area, please feel free to share.

Thanks for your support & thought, definitely given me food for my own!

Keep fighting the good fight
Hey Orbiter,

First of all; congratulations on reaching day 3 with ease. Well done.


On the doing hobbies offline, I've recently started with a computerless setup of synthesizers. I do this in combination with playing piano.

Now, I don't know what type of music and or instruments you make / play. But that is a nice way to make music without screens. Of course it does help that I already owned a piano...

Enjoy the weekend down under!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Phineas - Thank you for dropping by and for your patient, understanding & ever-continuing support throughout this. Over-indulgence in feelings of negativity, defeat & worthlessness is something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember, well back into childhood. It feeds the cycle of addiction and it also gives me an excuse to not put in the work & the learning I need to make the necessary changes in my approach.

Learning to separate my actions from my emotions is something I am learning to do day by day. I am determined this time that, no matter how many days are on my streak or what horrible pornography I relapsed too or how hopeless it 'feels', I am going to take a constructive approach to each setback and make sure I learn from all of them.


Shade - Sounds like a great working setup you've got over there! I do have a couple of synths, an MPC and an old four track for tape loops/pads/drones that would probably be enough to get the start something similar going myself. There's probably still a few things I would need to get but nonetheless I'll definitely give it some thought!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
So I PMOed twice yesterday.

How did it happen? Well I think it started when I caught up with a friend for dinner and of course my two drink limit. What I didn't consider was my mood & low energy from a tiring week of work. I think because of this, I wound up having...way more than two drinks. So first mistake was that I put myself in a position where it was easy to give up and secondly, I made the choice regardless of the circumstances to break my own rule.

Because I slept on the couch at my friends place and because of the alcohol, I didn't sleep properly and was even more exhausted + hungover in the morning. I found myself flicking through some borderline material on my phone. Once that happened, I couldn't stop thinking about PMO. I used checking my pulse, breathing, mindfully addressing the urges which got me through half of the day.

As the day dragged on, my hangover only got worse. I felt really sick and I kept having thoughts like "maybe quitting PMO just isn't for you, are you really going to spend the rest of your life dealing with this", "you're not going to have any other release anytime soon so it's either PMO or nothing", "other people do it all the time and they have no problem, why are you punishing yourself like this?" and had lots of flashbacks throughout.

By the middle of the afternoon, I just did it so it would all stop and I could sleep. I PMOed, went to sleep, woke up & PMOed again and went back to sleep for a little while. Of course I felt even worse after and the rest of the day just kind of slipped away.

So alcohol, energy management & internal self talk are all issues here that need addressing. How to do this...

1.) I think the obvious is I gave the two drink limit a go and it didn't work. My inhibitions were double compromised from both alcohol & stress/exhaustion and I feel that's where this lapse really began. I am clearly not at a stage in this journey where I can indulge in this so alcohol is off for now. It just has to be. I will revisit this once I have passed my Goal 6 marker.

2.) I need to be mindful of how I cope with feelings of stress & exhaustion. In hindsight I think the best way would've been to leave after the dinner, go home, have an early night and wake up the next day with the morning routine and a restored sense of focus. Lesson learnt.

3.) I was genuinely surprised at how intense & persistent the self-talk was. It was like there was another person in my head that wouldn't leave me alone. I feel this wouldn't have been that bad were it not for the two previous points but I need to consider how I manage this in future. Perhaps an issue might have been that I 'over indulged' in these thoughts by having an internal argument with them when instead I should have merely acknowledged, breathes & dismissed them. Would be interested in anyones thoughts or advice in this regard.

I started the morning right with my exercise/meditation route, being dressed & ready for the day and addressing the lapse in my journal. I will learn from this and am recommitting myself to staying free from pornography. Today is day 1

Wishing you all well today
 
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