Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thanks Shade, unfortunately that strength did not hold up and I PMOed twice. Today is once again Day 0.

I will be honest, there was a part of me that didn't want to post tonight out of a sense shame & hurt pride.

Regardless, here I am once again. It's at this point of the week almost like clockwork that, after all the high talk and good habits of the week, things kind of just fall apart and I once again begin the process of post-lapse process of restarting, saying to myself and you all 'well this time it's going to be different'

One could say that as the one who is ultimately in control, my continual end-of-working-week PMO lapse means that i'm either not capable of change or simply kidding myself and I am unwilling to change. I don't believe either of these things are the case but I am still ultimately responsible & need to hold myself accountable for this.

So there's a clear weekly pattern here. Make it through the working week focused & staying clean ----> 'Letting go' at the end of the week with alcohol and/or PMO ---> Restart & recommit the next day ---> Repeat.

I have considered even taking a weekend to get away out of the house for the weekend away from the computer. The problem with this being that once back, the same pattern will merely repeat but a week later as it has in the past. My lapses from my old journal seem to be predictably at the end of a week. Either around day 7, 14, 19, or at most 28 or 29. This is what I need to break.

So clearly there's a ritual I need to change around the end of the working week/start of the working weekend. What are the habits that make the sum of this ritual? What need is this ritual fulfilling? How can I find a better way to do so without falling in a heap at the end of every working week? I need to think about this
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Thanks Shade, unfortunately that strength did not hold up and I PMOed twice. Today is once again Day 0.

I will be honest, there was a part of me that didn't want to post tonight out of a sense shame & hurt pride.

Regardless, here I am once again. It's at this point of the week almost like clockwork that, after all the high talk and good habits of the week, things kind of just fall apart and I once again begin the process of post-lapse process of restarting, saying to myself and you all 'well this time it's going to be different'

One could say that as the one who is ultimately in control, my continual end-of-working-week PMO lapse means that i'm either not capable of change or simply kidding myself and I am unwilling to change. I don't believe either of these things are the case but I am still ultimately responsible & need to hold myself accountable for this.

So there's a clear weekly pattern here. Make it through the working week focused & staying clean ----> 'Letting go' at the end of the week with alcohol and/or PMO ---> Restart & recommit the next day ---> Repeat.

I have considered even taking a weekend to get away out of the house for the weekend away from the computer. The problem with this being that once back, the same pattern will merely repeat but a week later as it has in the past. My lapses from my old journal seem to be predictably at the end of a week. Either around day 7, 14, 19, or at most 28 or 29. This is what I need to break.

So clearly there's a ritual I need to change around the end of the working week/start of the working weekend. What are the habits that make the sum of this ritual? What need is this ritual fulfilling? How can I find a better way to do so without falling in a heap at the end of every working week? I need to think about this
I know exactly what you're talking about bro. I'm there myself. I didn't want to return to the forum and post the relapse because I was disappointed with myself and ashamed. It's a loop, things happen the same. The last two days of relapsing made me think whether I really want to do this. It's all my fault that I stay an addict, it's nobody else's fault. Yes, I know it's hard, I know hypofrontality isn't helping at all, I know the built up sexual frustration doesn't help, I know I'm using this as self-medication, I know I have no coping skills (and I don't do anything to change this) but those are just excuses I tell myself, only so I could keep the porn pleasure in my life. I think somewhere deep inside, I know there is that day that comes when I PMO, I don't want to completely abandon this filth. And here I pay the price. I don't do whatever it takes, I don't quit alcohol, I don't quit caffeine, I don't quit MO, I don't quit edging, I don't accept that I will have to suffer with the urges, flatline etc... Then how the fuck am I supposed to do it? It ultimately comes down to what I do. It's not what you know, it's what you do. After all the studying I've been doing about how to quit porn, it all comes down to whether I really put up the effort and follow that. Quitting porn involves a mental game and a "physical" game. It's what you think and what you actually do. It doesn't work without both. You could be doing things like exercise, eating right, cold showers, new habits, avoiding triggers etc. but get sabotaged by your own mind. One moment of "I really want this" and you crossed the line in your head, you just accepted porn. I don't know what else to say, I guess is day 1 for both of us. Where are we actually going from here?
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Orbiter, excellent questions and self-examination (so far, and to follow) that they raise.

You are actually in a very, very good place right now:

You want change
You recognize the weekend pattern, and the greater loop to which it belongs
You recognize when you're 'mindless' (habit-land) as opposed to being mindful
You put up the effort to fight it during the 'initial day 0'

I used to be the most angry with myself if I didn't even so much as put up a fight. But, even if I lapse, I give myself credit for at least putting up some kind of fight..., or somehow limiting, or disrupting the behavior.

Be kind and gentle with yourself, and patient. You are your own best friend. Take the time to analyze this pattern, and what you can do- particularly at the end of the week- to disrupt or change the surrounding habits...

This is your enemy's greatest weakness, is that you can discern its patterns, and work to undermine those, and hack into this behavioral addiction, and change it for the better.

Standing with you, brother, as always.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Escape - I relate strongly to your frustrations and I agree that there reaches a point where we've got to apply what we've learnt and make it happen. There is such a thing as over-thinking, I am a chronic over-thinker and much of the recent entries in this journal have discussed the pitfalls of doing so. I think you're right in that there comes a time we've just got to get ourselves up, get out and make it happen.

What I will add is something Particularly raised in his journal about the spectrum of ownership with addiction:

Two extremes:
porn is dangerous super stimulus > it's not my fault > I am powerless (disempowering)
Vs.
I made bad choices of my own free will > it's my fault > I am a bad person (shame)

It's something i've been reflecting on. I think it could be beneficial for you to take some time in your journal to consider where you lie in that spectrum and how it's affecting your efforts at recovery. I know I have!

Stay strong man, you got this!


Phineas - Good points as usual! The weekend has admittedly not panned out how I would have liked and I have been feeling quite low throughout. While it's important to recognise, feel those emotions and work through them, I need to remember that ruminating on & over-indulging in these negative thoughts is actually part of this ritual of 'letting go' every week that is sabotaging my efforts at recovery.

The part that i'm finding challenging is what exactly am I going to do I do to stop this? What do I substitute to fulfill the need that letting go addresses in my life? I'm still working on that

Thanks for your encouragement & support!
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
The part that i'm finding challenging is what exactly am I going to do I do to stop this? What do I substitute to fulfill the need that letting go addresses in my life? I'm still working on that

The need for 'letting go' at the end of your busy work week is certainly legitimate. The 'reward system' that this addiction has hijacked is also legitimate....

I won't presume to list a bunch of alternate rewards, because you only know what you like and enjoy as to legitimate rewards. If only drinking could work...? But how to do it without it entangling you concerning P? But if alcohol is associated too closely to P for you, like the one implies or instigates the other, maybe replace both P and alcohol, which I think was your intention anyway...

Perhaps write a list out... One drawback is that P hijacked our reward system for so long, that 'normal' stuff might not [naturally] spike our dopamine levels that much (?). So, the challenge will be to make whatever you replace to help you let go sound exciting to you...

For me, I let go in front of the T.V., and just watch my crime shows, or fight-matches, or the like. I can enjoy T.V. nowadays without obsessing on seeing some sex scene, or what not. But, I'm also aware if I stray into that 'middle-circle' zone....

Excited to see what you come up with... Wishing you the best!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Good points once again!

In my particular case i'm beginning to realise there is a clear difference between relaxing or 'unwinding' at the end of the week and what I am referring to as 'letting go'

'Unwinding' is addressing the legitimate need to rest & de-stress at the end of a physically, mentally or emotionally demanding day. Over the years it seems I have more or less forgotten how to legitimately do this.

'Letting go' is about a depressive act of temporarily giving up and just 'letting it happen'. The feeling that everything is too overwhelming, difficult & exhausting giving in to the urge to avoid/escape/numb oneself through depressive over-sleeping, bingeing of pornography, junk food, alcohol & substances, any form of instant gratification really.

The drinking is a good example of how this differs:

'Unwinding' - would be relaxing with a couple of really nice beers either on the couch, while listening to a album/record, having a nice meal or watching a TV show I like

'Letting go' - would be after a stressful or difficult day, immediately start drinking and basically keep going throughout the evening until i've either run out, wiped myself out or just can't stay awake. As the impluse control is gone, usually pornography isn't fair off by this point

The drinking is a tricky one because I actually genuinely enjoy the former, like exploring different beers, wines & whiskeys and it's how I actually prefer to drink. There's also the social thing and I do find myself quite isolated when i'm abstaining which is a problem in itself when battling pornography addiction

Now i'm far from being some drunk sipping out the last drop of vodka from a bottle before work in the morning or anything like that. I don't have a problem going without it for long periods of time either. The problem is that the ritual of 'letting go' has hijacked having a drink like many things I do to relax & enjoy myself. Maybe it was always this and i'm just kidding myself? I don't know

So perhaps the direction forward is to not only relearn better ways to relax at the end of the week but understand and be aware of when I am 'unwinding' and when i'm 'letting go'.

Today is unfortunately Day 0 again as I peeked. The need to turn things around is real.

Wishing you all well today
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Thank you, Orbiter, for clarifying unwinding versus letting go, I understand now.

Would you say that letting go is escaping from the stress/pain of the busy workweek? If so, how to face these feelings at the end of the week, or to see these things- not as something to escape from, but as something to accept, albeit painful or stressful?

After clearly defining for yourself the 'why' behind the perceived need to let go, see how to work with this in a meaningful way that will fundamentally change this response to the workweek for you. This way, each weekend isn't a shortcircuiting of your well intentioned efforts toward abstinence.

This can still be turned around, and you can take advantage of this self-knowledge to change yourself.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thank you for the thoughtful follow-up Phineas! To be honest it was clarifying it myself as much as anything. It's definitely a form of escape and practicing acceptance will definitely be a part of the solution. Some positive changes of habit and leaving behind some old habits are also necessary I think.

I think you're spot on in tackling this though defining the 'why' and going from there. This I will need to give some more thought before I can give you a more solid answer & plan of action.

It is Day 1 today

Wishing you all well
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Letting go.

WHY?
* Escaping feelings of:
* Frustration
* Exhaustion
* Loneliness
* Discomfort

* Temporarily ease fears/worries of the future
* Feeling overwhelmed by life and/or life circumstances
* Feeling despondent about life i.e ‘nothing will ever change so why even try’
* Ruminating on past & imaginary conflicts with others
* Impatience that doing something positive isn’t yielding the desired results immediately so why bother
* Fear of success/failure ‘the better I do, the harder it will become and the worse I will fail’
* Feeling unhappy with life for whatever reason and feeling powerless to change it in any way for the better

More on this to come...

It is Day 2

Wishing you all well today
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Good work looking into that need to 'let go', and the changes in habits and outlook that will arise from this. I think in addition to changes to your ritual at the end of the work week, challenging your 'global beliefs' that you have about yourself are what's going to help change take place.

In fact as I read the above, it brought to mind something I posted in my own journal:

In true recovery (active) as opposed to recoveryism of the disease-model of addiction (passive), you are:

  • active, involved, self-directed—the opposite of the passive vision that you are suffering from a disease you can’t control;
  • outward- and forward-looking—rather than focusing on yourself as a trauma victim (Maté) or biological aberration (Volkow);
  • purpose driven—you are pursuing values and goals, rather than concentrating on trying not to do something;
  • positive—you believe the best about yourself and your life; you don’t see yourself as a disabled or deficient human being;
  • valuable—you believe that you and your life have a meaning to be fulfilled for the benefit of yourself and others and the world.

The above gives us the mindset needed to make real and lasting change, beginning fundamentally with the beliefs that we have about ourselves.

In application, here's a couple examples from my own focus points:

* Living in the present moment, accepting that this world- and my part in it- is valuable (this offsets escapism as a primary motive).

* Expand on greater meaning and purposes beyond the addicted lifestyle (deepen and focus on your why = the rewards of abstinence).

Self-love, finding value in yourself, and finding purpose for your life- beyond the mundane job, probably even beyond yourself, will fundamentally address these core beliefs that may keep us back...

Be well, Orbiter!
 
Last edited:

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Yes, I understand this letting go thing. It's what I used to do like 10 years ago but not for a weekend, for months. I waited days to build up good urges and then edged myself out cold to the point where the "Big O" meant nothing, just me worrying I would get blue balls or whatever the fuck I was thinking.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Brilliant advice Phineas. While I do realise there's some core beliefs I have that do need addressing, I didn't really give it as much thought as perhaps I should have until I took some time to reflect on your post. I will have time to ponder this further now that the rush of the working week is subsiding.

I think, rather than setting rigid benchmarks for this weekend, I'll make my goal focusing on keeping up the positive habits that work throughout the week, avoiding the tempation to 'relax' with the computer instead using it as needed, taking things one day at a time and being very careful & purposeful about what I do over this short stretch of time. If I need to 'unwind' this is fine as long as I make sure it's nowhere near much less involving a device that can access the internet. This is a skill that I need to learn and this makes the upcoming weekend as much of an opportunity as it is a challenge. It is Day 4 today.

Wishing all of you well
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
There was a close call last night with the computer. After my post, I began to revert to habit and started searching borderline material, mentally arguing with myself throughout but kept going all the same. Thankfully I snapped myself out of it and stopped before I escalated any further. I switched the computer off, checked my pulse and practiced some deep breaths. After this I put a TV show on instead. Soon enough the feeling passed.

Keeping up my morning routine really seems to set me up well for the day ahead. Exercise & meditation worked wonders and i've had quite a productive day today. It's getting late though and i'm wary of spending too much time on the computer so I might finish for the night.

It is Day 5

Wishing you all well today
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Wow, that is exactly what it takes, brother!

When [outgoing] habits began to take over, you put up resistance in your mind- arguing with them. I know typically we don't want to argue with the urges, but it shows that you were saying, 'No', that you're wanting to keep with your new trajectory and not repeat...

You disrupted the behavior by 'snapping out of it' and turning off the computer.

You were in touch with your physiology, by checking your pulse rate. That gives you awareness (as opposed to mindless habit-land), it grounds you also, particularly as you did deep breathing until the urges passed.

Then you distracted your mind, or refocused your attention (whilst ignoring the unwanted urges), by watching T.V.

You're also creating a framework that's supportive of recovery, like your morning disciplines- that's awesome!

And you're also being wary of what may be 'high-risk' for you in the moment, which was being online too long. It's that kind of watchfulness that's really helpful, too.

Sorry for the play-by-play of what you already stated, but I just think everything you did to deal with this is what change looks like.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thanks Phineas...

Today would have been Day 7 but I PMOed earlier this afternoon. I'd had a big night the previous night at a friends birthday and didn't get home until 6am or so. Slept for a few hours but I was quite tired & dazed throughout the day. Wound up procrastinating on the computer and as always, one thing lead to another. There are plenty of other things I could have done with my time to relax instead but I chose the easy, mindless way out so here I am one again on Day 0.

So getting the immediate & obvious out of the way, I should have gone home earlier, moderated substance use throughout, had an alternative to spending the day on the computer prepared and better anticipated the challenges of the day after.

Beyond that, there is still something in my thoughts that i'm not addressing here. Auto-pilot and the preceding rationalisations that allow it to happen are still a problem even despite knowing better.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Beyond that, there is still something in my thoughts that i'm not addressing here. Auto-pilot and the preceding rationalisations that allow it to happen are still a problem even despite knowing better.

Don't be too hard on yourself. The rationalizations are provided by your 'beast-brain' and therein is the ambivalence, especially when you (in your rational pre-frontal cortex) want to do the 'right' thing.

It's just habit land (where auto-pilot is king), and behaviors that were recently- or over the long run- repeated. This is why we try and identify the pattern, and how we can disrupt, replace, or alter it... anything, the habits that surrounds the habit. But, and here's the rub, we need to reinforce the encouraged behaviors with repeatability and consistency.

What I like to say is, Repetition is what built our chains and repetition is what will break them.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thanks Phineas. You're right in that it's not as simple as 'knowing better' is it. A habit that has been reinforced so many times is not simply going to disappear the moment I will it. I still need to put in the active work to change the habit, changing the way I respond to the urge and making it stick through consistency & repetition. Just like changing any habit.

That said I did put myself in a position where I would find the typical weekend 'beast-brain' temptations difficult to resist. I need give myself a better chance here. Anyway, it's Day 1 today.

Wishing you all well.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
It seems, in what's possibly a further consequence of my weekend excesses, I am now coming down with some sort of cold/flu. RAT tests are so far coming in negative so hopefully it's not Covid but so often this is the case in the early onset. I have a lot to do this week so it's certainly not the most convenient.

I think i'm just going to rest and get an early night tonight. It is Day 2.

Wishing you all well in your journeys on this day.
 
Sorry to hear about the cold/flu. Try and rest up and recover

I still need to put in the active work to change the habit, changing the way I respond to the urge and making it stick through consistency & repetition. Just like changing any habit.
Relating to the above a lot - difficult thing is to know where to start
How do we make not doing something a habit? Struggling with this atm

Stay strong and get well soon brother 💪
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
@Orbiter Hope you feel better soon!

@particularly_respecting

How do we make not doing something a habit? Struggling with this atm

By doing something else, which includes all the habits that surround the unwanted habit. But doing this consistently and repetitiously. Even if we slipped into an old pattern, to reinforce the new habit by coming back to it- no matter what.

Many times recently I have this strange pause, like my 'wheels are turning' looking for the old pattern. Why don't I just bring my phone into the restroom before bed, like I used to? Even if I feel I'm 'safe' from doing anything, I'm changing what surrounds the habit, the behaviors, the environment, the times, whatever it takes. Let the beast-brain search and come up empty, or better, find a new behavior in it its wake.

Habit change and neuroplasticity is at work!
 
Top