Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Good to see you, Orbiter!

You may see that I'm quiet around here lately, but I am never too far away. I will still be as supportive as possible during my own changes in focus and energy.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Good to you see back Orbiter.
I have fallen physically & mentally out of shape in recent times.
Over the years, I've found my physical and mental states to be such an important part of my recovery, that they're almost one and the same. Whenever I've almost went back to porn or did go back, often I noticed I was starting to lax in other areas of my life too.

An interesting observation.

Best
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thank you all for the welcome backs, well wishes & support!

Day 0 again

I have been clean since my last post but fell into the usual end of week slump today, too much idle time on the computer etc.

Work has been taking it's toll and at the end of most days, I find it difficult to even stay awake much less be productive. Another aspect of this is i've been drinking more than usual which is what is, switching one faulty coping mechanism for another.

I'd probably have a better sense of exactly how this recent lapse played out if i'd been journaling like I planned to. I think at this point I need to return to journaling daily as a routine.

Wishing you all well.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
There’s usually a reason why we relapse, all we can do it figure that out and then keep going. I find that writing down some of my thoughts now and then helps, even if I don’t do it every day!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
So it was a triple threat binge in the sense that there was not only multiple PMOs and money wasted on OF paid content that I couldn't afford but I was also drinking and even fell back into smoking cigarettes (thankfully I lost the pack sometime during the night)

One of the really bad aspects of this is that I had to loan money from my father to pay rent earlier this week due to a payroll delay at work. What do I do instead? Waste it on absolute shit.

Looking back to the anticedent of the binge, the motivation (or at least what was running through my head) was that I didn't want to spend the night at home. I wanted to go out to some places, have some drinks, see a band or two, enjoy myself, have a big night. I think the sub-text of this I was probably feeling lonely, seeking a level of connection & company from this and not wanting to spend the night alone with my thoughts.

I think another thing is i've been trying online dating again as a way to find connection but have struggled to find matches and sometimes fallen into a compulsive pattern of profile/picture viewing in a way not too dissimilar from looking at a NSFW sub-reddit or something (should stop visiting Reddit entirely)

So is there anything wrong with that? I would say no, not in and of itself. The problem is when there is an addictive impulse and we're going through a period where we're trying to quit something right? The addiction is like this sickness trying to find an outlet. It may be alcohol, it may be pornography, it may be junk food, it may be cigarettes, it may be weed, it may be cocaine etc.

The addiction itself needs to be weakened and brought under control before we can indulge & celebrate in such a fashion without relapsing.

So where do I go from here? If each vice is just another head of the same hydra so to speak, do I just break the link and stop everything that's problematic at once? Put the hard yards in and starve it in the short term? It feels like more and more, the measures I need to break away from pornography and this addictive lifestyle will require (at least in the meantime) some serious, drastic changes in lifestyle. Much more so than what I have been doing up to this point.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
In my case, all the addictive behaviors and substances have a common root: My belief that those things could fix the problems of my inner world. I got into this porn world around the age of 13 but since then I picked up an alcohol addiction, an internet/gaming addiction and, to a way lesser extent, a caffeine addiction that it's starting to form these days. Thank God I've never had drugs in my life because I would've binge them as well. I've been pretty much a magnet for addictions, that was just all I could encounter in my life. I think you have a chance when you try to find the answer to the questions: Why do I keep using those things if I know they are bad for me? And what can I do about it? As Jordan Peterson says (in my own words): What can I do today to change the trajectory of this ship a little bit. The problem can't be fixed in a day but it can be fixed a little at the time each day.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
In my case, all the addictive behaviors and substances have a common root: My belief that those things could fix the problems of my inner world. I got into this porn world around the age of 13 but since then I picked up an alcohol addiction, an internet/gaming addiction and, to a way lesser extent, a caffeine addiction that it's starting to form these days. Thank God I've never had drugs in my life because I would've binge them as well. I've been pretty much a magnet for addictions, that was just all I could encounter in my life. I think you have a chance when you try to find the answer to the questions: Why do I keep using those things if I know they are bad for me? And what can I do about it? As Jordan Peterson says (in my own words): What can I do today to change the trajectory of this ship a little bit. The problem can't be fixed in a day but it can be fixed a little at the time each day.
By the way, I forgot to mention a sugar addiction to some degree.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I think another thing is i've been trying online dating again as a way to find connection but have struggled to find matches and sometimes fallen into a compulsive pattern of profile/picture viewing in a way not too dissimilar from looking at a NSFW sub-reddit or something (should stop visiting Reddit entirely)
That's right. That's why I don't like online dating and social media in general. Because for me they are porn substitutes and I would start using them like this. Reddit is another bullshit place where you find stuff. Fuck them for allowing that. But what do you expect? Instagram is softcore porn all day. And I've found some pictures on Facebook... I don't even want to get into this. The idea is that those things are not called "Porn" but to me that's what they are. The fences are pushed further and further, more and more things are accepted as normal but they are softcore porn in disguise. The influence is so strong, the whole society in many countries is changed from how people dress to advertisement on the street etc. We live in some times when it's harder than ever to quit this porn world. I think the challenge is with filtering what is a healthy sexuality and what it's not. How should you look at people? Should you have fantasies with everyone you see? Should you think about sex all day? Since many societies are the way they are nowadays and with all this online excess, there is no wonder why many guys are obsessed with sex.
 

forceisstrong2

Active Member
So it was a triple threat binge in the sense that there was not only multiple PMOs and money wasted on OF paid content that I couldn't afford but I was also drinking and even fell back into smoking cigarettes (thankfully I lost the pack sometime during the night)

One of the really bad aspects of this is that I had to loan money from my father to pay rent earlier this week due to a payroll delay at work. What do I do instead? Waste it on absolute shit.

Looking back to the anticedent of the binge, the motivation (or at least what was running through my head) was that I didn't want to spend the night at home. I wanted to go out to some places, have some drinks, see a band or two, enjoy myself, have a big night. I think the sub-text of this I was probably feeling lonely, seeking a level of connection & company from this and not wanting to spend the night alone with my thoughts.

I think another thing is i've been trying online dating again as a way to find connection but have struggled to find matches and sometimes fallen into a compulsive pattern of profile/picture viewing in a way not too dissimilar from looking at a NSFW sub-reddit or something (should stop visiting Reddit entirely)

So is there anything wrong with that? I would say no, not in and of itself. The problem is when there is an addictive impulse and we're going through a period where we're trying to quit something right? The addiction is like this sickness trying to find an outlet. It may be alcohol, it may be pornography, it may be junk food, it may be cigarettes, it may be weed, it may be cocaine etc.

The addiction itself needs to be weakened and brought under control before we can indulge & celebrate in such a fashion without relapsing.

So where do I go from here? If each vice is just another head of the same hydra so to speak, do I just break the link and stop everything that's problematic at once? Put the hard yards in and starve it in the short term? It feels like more and more, the measures I need to break away from pornography and this addictive lifestyle will require (at least in the meantime) some serious, drastic changes in lifestyle. Much more so than what I have been doing up to this poin
Hey Orbiter,

For me anyway, I had to build strategies for myself to defeat this thing.

Mental health-wise - I meditate mornings and evenings. Some days with a group. Also, I go swimming a few times a week. All of this is really strong for my mental health. And we need it strong if we're going to defeat this thing.

I don't trust myself around my phone/computer. So I've put loads of porn blockers on them and I use 'future me' to send the password to my future self. I also use the freedom app to limit my screen time. Also, and this is super important, I stay away from all porn subs. I've blocked Reddit, twitter, twitch, insta, I can't access them. Also, for a while I realised that I was checking out images of babes so I blocked all images on my browser too until I got that under control. When you are getting off porn, my advice is to stay away from all porn subs - even things like Tinder.

As for life - plan your weekends in advance. Make sure to organize it so that's it's jammed back with activities. Meet friends, family. Go to gigs. Go on dates. Chat to real girls! If drink is a problem, cut back on that. Drinks alcohol free beer.

For me at least, I approached this thing like it was a task at work. Okay here are all the steps I need to take to defeat this thing and build a better life for myself. What's great about this forum is that it allows me to track my progress and also of course the support and great advice from people on their own journeys.

Also, I've said this before in these forums but read The War of Art - it's great. It's about battling one's inner demons and building a truer, better life for oneself. You'll read it in a couple of hours. It made me reexamine my life and it was a real help.

And, lastly, don't beat yourself up if you relapse. Just get back on the road to recovery. It takes time but it's so worth it.

All the best, man.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
So it's Day 7 today and I have so far managed to abstain from any porn for this time. I have managed to cut down the drink to the point where I only drank once this week (though it was admittedly to excess as well). I probably put myself in danger of lapsing that time but thankfully I was too busy jamming with a friend that day. I also exercised and meditated this morning for the first time in awhile. I was pleasantly surprised at how easy I was able to get back into both despite the break between. I think being consistent with this is something I need to return to.

Force - These are all great ideas. Especially if done at the same time which is where I often falter. I will consider this further but to be honest, a ruthless multi-prong approach such as this is likely what I need at the point that I am at. I need to use every means I can to end this for good.

I think I need to make some steps to (at least in the beginning) start locking my devices down. The future me password is a brilliant idea as is removing the images. I would have to look further into what blockers I can use.

With the dating website, I have been holding out as I have a date planned for tonight. Once that is finished, i'll stop the app and take a break until i'm in a better place.

Feeling very flat today. Low energy & libido which is weird at this point in time but it at least makes things a little easier from a temptation point of view.

Wishing you all well
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Day 8 today and i'm still porn free. There were even points in the day where the thought arose but I simply just didn't want to. Lots of aimless internet browsing though which is of course a middle circle behaviour. Not great and definitely better ways I could've spent much of the day but it was not all to waste as I got out of the house for a good lunch and some quality time with my dad earlier in the day.

The date seemed to be going well enough but also seemed to somewhat abruptly end with very little avenue to take things from here. Looking back i'm not really sure how it went which is in itself not a good sign. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained I suppose.

Definitely feeling that libido-less, hollow feeling that is probably a flat line. I find sometimes enough concentrated aimless browsing can contribute and almost put the mind in such a state. At least there's been no urges.

Wishing you all well.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Yeah, that type of browsing can be unnaturally high in dopamine, and can have the same type of effect that porn has. That is to say, everyday life starts feeling like a slog because it just can't compete with all that stuff.

Good job on 8 days of freedom!
 

forceisstrong2

Active Member
Hey Orbitor,

The first couple of weeks are the worst. Just take it one day at a time. Be careful too of mindless browsing. It can lead to other things - at least it did for me. My advice is just don't do it. I think it's your brain basically looking for its dopamine hit. From my experience, it leads to one feeling low, depressed, etc.

Spending quality time with friends and family is the way to go. Also, do something that gives you a natural dopamine high. Whatever you're into man - yoga, surfing, swimming, bike riding - do something that'll get your juices flowing and that hollow feeling will go away.

Best of luck!!!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
In a way, it's kind of like mindless browsing can be a p-sub in itself. Anyway, making conscious efforts to limit it. I also de-activated the dating app for the meantime. Was hesitant to do so as it removes an avenue of connection but it removes a certain level of temptation & potentially 'triggering' material. It's only temporary anyway.

Day 9 today.

Wishing you well.
 
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