Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal

Hey man, I think you are making the same discovery that I just recently made. I have a similar approach to my latest attempt at recovery where I am cutting out several other unhealthy behaviours, temporarily, to give myself and edge. I also noticed a lot of trouble, and several setbacks, when I was hungover.

I have a theory that by engaging in any form of escapism you start to separate yourself from reality and the more you separate from reality the less capable you are of making clear decisions. Even things that would otherwise be innocuous, are setting you on the path to relapse. I think you mentioned the three circle exercise, basically I took all my middle circle stuff and put it in the centre for now. I wanted to be really thorough and I am still trying to keep an eye out for any new ways I find to distract myself.

I think this approach has really helped, I'm halfway through the initial 90 days now and I have barely had any trouble. I have had some intrusive thoughts and flashbacks but it has remained almost as easy to shake them off as right after a relapse when the consequences are still fresh in your mind. It sounds like you are on the right track here, keep it up!
 
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Orbiter

Well-Known Member
@Wolf,

It's an interesting theory. The less time we spend living in our reality, the less rational our decisions regarding it are. I never really thought of it that way but it makes a lot of sense.

I think an additional to this is, over time the decision to escape becomes default which not only means we become dependent on these escapes to deal with life in general but our problems and our life get worse.

@Phineas,

Can't wait!!!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Day 7 today. Still feels like early days but everything has been all in all, smooth sailing. The work thing I was worried about over the weekend worked out well and not spending the weekend frying my brain consuming mindless, revolting hardcore porn made a difficult day that much easier to manage. Still some challenges looming over the horizon this working week but i'll take it as it comes.

I feel like my brain is slowly beginning to adjust to the idea & routine of not using the internet as a form of procrastination, escape or entertainment...at all. I have recently been contemplating the relationship between using the internet and sites like Youtube, Reddit etc. as a source of endless entertainment & escape and using porn as a form of endless entertainment & escape. I wonder if perhaps the reason we fall into the trap of 'porn subs' so much is because even though we quit porn, MO, PMO etc. we're still using the internet in a way to fulfill an almost identical, albiet milder, addictive pattern. Perhaps in doing so we're still essentially continuing the same behaviour, and PMO is not separate but in fact an escalation of this.

I would like to think these short-term measures are the beginning of a greater shift in my life, moving away from using the internet and things like porn, Youtube, 'social' media and things like that for emotional fulfillment, escape, self-soothing, relaxation, entertainment and instead finding these things in my own life and making these things a reality for myself and others in the real world.

More to come
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Day 8 today. I've noticed instances of the Excessive fantasizing concerning women I know, ex-gfs, escorts, make believe scenarios behaviour beginning to creep in over yesterday and today. There could be many reasons behind it but I feel I need to take this seriously. Fantasizing at this point in time is, whether I like it or not, basically just watching pornography in my mind. If I indulge in this, chances are it will eventually escalate and lead me straight back to PMOing in front of the computer.

As the thoughts are kind of intrusive by nature, it's difficult to just 'stop' them. I also need to be mindful that resisting, arguing with & fighting these thoughts will most likely just make them stronger. It's tricky.

I think half of the battle here is acknowledging excessive fantasizing during a reboot is what it is, the brain filling the void left by porn by making imaginary porn. With that in mind, there is no good reason to be doing this right now. The only two strategies I have to deal with this are visualisation (not answering the phone ringing in the room), Phineas' AWARE method and making sure to 'snap out' of it whenever I catch myself excessively fantasizing.

I think that should be enough but I would love to hear suggestions & feedback on this. Managing this particular behaviour is somewhat of a weakness for me.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Congratulations on your streak. Keep at it.

When I have been hit by moments of "fantasising" I really try to focus on my breath to bring myself back to the present. Bring myself to the now. Like I take a deep breath in. Hold it. Let it out. Really focusing on each moment. I do this a few times then I focus on my normal breath. If my mind wanders I just try and bring it back to the breath till the thoughts ease/subside.
 
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Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thanks Chris, wishing you much strength & self-conpassion bouncing back from some of your recent troubles as well. I think you're right on the money with taking a mindful approach here, catching the mind drifting, recognising & accepting it for what it is, breathing and bringing the mind back to the present. Rinse & repeat.

Day 9 here. Don't have much time to post before work so this entry will be short as well but everything's going well so far. Though I'm counting the days, I'm still treating each like day one and living each day one one day at a time. Hope you are all doing well today too
 
I have recently been contemplating the relationship between using the internet and sites like Youtube, Reddit etc. as a source of endless entertainment & escape and using porn as a form of endless entertainment & escape. I wonder if perhaps the reason we fall into the trap of 'porn subs' so much is because even though we quit porn, MO, PMO etc. we're still using the internet in a way to fulfill an almost identical, albiet milder, addictive pattern. Perhaps in doing so we're still essentially continuing the same behaviour, and PMO is not separate but in fact an escalation of this.
Absolutely. Much of this behaviour is also conditioning your brain. Other forms of distraction that have lead to PMO in the past or even patterns of behaviour that are close enough to the ritual will further sensitise the same neural pathway. Continuing to activate these neurons strengthens the connections. Even though you may be abstaining from one specific thing your brain is not healing.

As far as the intrusive thoughts. Practicing mindfulness will help, the more you try to control your thoughts, the more skilled you will become. Meditation has been shown to increase gray matter in the frontal lobe too, helping to reverse the hypofrontality caused by long term addiction.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Thanks Chris, wishing you much strength & self-conpassion bouncing back from some of your recent troubles as well. I think you're right on the money with taking a mindful approach here, catching the mind drifting, recognising & accepting it for what it is, breathing and bringing the mind back to the present. Rinse & repeat.

Day 9 here. Don't have much time to post before work so this entry will be short as well but everything's going well so far. Though I'm counting the days, I'm still treating each like day one and living each day one one day at a time. Hope you are all doing well today too
Yeah I feel like losing my connection to myself is a big part of how my relapse happened. I am being sure to get my practice back in and trying to be mindful about acts like eating and walking just to really sharpen my mindfulness blade.

Hope your day is/has gone well.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
There's a disconnect with ourselves but also importantly I think a disconnection or withdrawal from our lives where we become trapped in our brain, where our thoughts & feelings become increasingly disconnected from reality. There's an emotional element but also yes that habit/reflex element where we retreat automatically because that's what we're trained ourselves to do.

Food for thought indeed! Thank you both
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Day 0 today. Didn't want to come on here and say it but here we are. It started with a bad day at work, like, a really bad day at work with plenty of unresolved issues waiting for me next week. I self soothed with a couple of drinks at the pub after work, which lead to one more over dinner with my father. I stayed there the night and, thanks to loosened inhibitions, unresolved stress and also being away from my regular environment, I felt it'd be totally fine & safe to check my phone for a bit in bed. I then (surprise, surprise) indulged in some porn substitutes that quickly escalated to porn once that was no longer doing the job. I looked at videos & pictures for an hour or so, turned the phone off and went to bed. I didn't PMO but I did MO the next morning. Could've been worse but that's still a hard reset.

So I made a choice to retreat, soothe and let my guard down at a point where I should've gone the other way and doubled up on my efforts instead. I also need to remember that PMO can happen anywhere, not just in my apartment, and the framework for rebooting needs to be consistent wherever I am or whatever I am doing.

With that in mind, it's back to it from here. No time to feel sorry for myself or indulge. There's things to do and a life away from porn to rebuild. No fucking around.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thanks Chris, there was one PMO later that day due largely to * Using the computer on the couch and in bed late at night or when excessively tired. That wasn't good, should've known better but I need to leave it behind if i'm going to get some of my momentum back.

Edit: Plus two more PMO's
 
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Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Day 1. Time to return back from the hole in my head to reality as another working week is upon me. Definitely disappointing that another weekend panned out this way but at the end of the day, there's no one else to blame. I think looking back, though I crossed the line with many behaviours this week, the anticedents for yesterdays two were

* Excessive amounts of time doing nothing at home alone on weekends this was in part due to my current financial situation
* Mindless computer use & internet browsing on the couch
* Excessive ruminating, dwelling on sad memories, past conflicts, imaginary arguments etc.
aka worrying about work
* Procrastinating on solving problems that are causing me stress/anxiety - putting off cleaning for an upcoming house inspection

Something that is becoming an issue is my current financial situation. I am quite isolated lately due to a lack of money. The decision that I have been trying to avoid is to either find a new job that pays better or move to a smaller, cheaper place or share with another person. I am leaning towards the latter. There is no guarantee that this will change anything PMO-wise but I feel I will be at least less isolated, not stuck alone in the apartment for days on end, can socialise/engage in the real world more and can save/aim towards long terms goals beyond paying rent, bills and saving to have enough food for the month.

I'm getting out of the house today, going to go visit my father and have a break from the apartment. Wishing you all well
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Day 1. Time to return back from the hole in my head to reality as another working week is upon me. Definitely disappointing that another weekend panned out this way but at the end of the day, there's no one else to blame. I think looking back, though I crossed the line with many behaviours this week, the anticedents for yesterdays two were

* Excessive amounts of time doing nothing at home alone on weekends this was in part due to my current financial situation
* Mindless computer use & internet browsing on the couch
* Excessive ruminating, dwelling on sad memories, past conflicts, imaginary arguments etc.
aka worrying about work
* Procrastinating on solving problems that are causing me stress/anxiety - putting off cleaning for an upcoming house inspection

Something that is becoming an issue is my current financial situation. I am quite isolated lately due to a lack of money. The decision that I have been trying to avoid is to either find a new job that pays better or move to a smaller, cheaper place or share with another person. I am leaning towards the latter. There is no guarantee that this will change anything PMO-wise but I feel I will be at least less isolated, not stuck alone in the apartment for days on end, can socialise/engage in the real world more and can save/aim towards long terms goals beyond paying rent, bills and saving to have enough food for the month.

I'm getting out of the house today, going to go visit my father and have a break from the apartment. Wishing you all well
I think when we are being consumed by these feelings its very easy to lose all motivation and have our head run away with all the bad/bad memories and also creating worse case scenarios for the coming days/weeks/months/years/life.

I can relate to the thoughts of a new job as I have been doing the same though I appreciate my situation differs from yours. Thinking of changes like that are hard! It's a stress but I think it's something to try and approach mindfully and not let it be something else to swarm over us.

Have you considered trying to find a running club or something that is free to use, has a social aspect to it and the health benefits? Maybe not running but something like that?
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
I think when we are being consumed by these feelings its very easy to lose all motivation and have our head run away with all the bad/bad memories and also creating worse case scenarios for the coming days/weeks/months/years/life.

I can relate to the thoughts of a new job as I have been doing the same though I appreciate my situation differs from yours. Thinking of changes like that are hard! It's a stress but I think it's something to try and approach mindfully and not let it be something else to swarm over us.

Have you considered trying to find a running club or something that is free to use, has a social aspect to it and the health benefits? Maybe not running but something like that?

Thanks Chris, that's a good idea. I did a similar-ish thing with restarting martial arts last year. That however did cost considerable money and swiftly ended due to Covid lockdowns. The thought of a free neighbourhood group didn't occur to me. I'll give it some thought.

Day 5 today. I've been a bit quiet the last few days but have stayed porn free without issue throughout. Hope you are all doing well too!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Reaching out here again. Things have been pretty bad lately and at this rate it's only getting worse.

I need to get things going again but I can't seem to pull it together. If nothing else, I at least need to start journaling again and start climbing out of this hole i'm trapped in.
 

Weetakker

Member
You got this. I don’t know you, but by how much depth you’re putting into your thought processes as you are attempting to quit porn, I know you are doing your best. Every time you relapse, you journal and get to why it happened. The more you do it, the more you are consciously is going to be in control of your actions. All the best.
 
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